Anyone want to join the breakup club?

[Herewegoagain22]

So today, my partner of 3 years ended things with me. Deep down I know it was for the best (for both of us) but it doesn’t stop it hurting like hell. There genuinely is no going back. It’s just going through this horrible period of looking for his texts, wondering what he’s up to, missing him in general and generally just feeling lost that I can’t stand

Herewegoagain2, I'm just wondering how you are doing as your breakup was exactly the same time as mine after a 5 year relationship, which I posted about. We've had no contact. I was doing well for a while but lately I feel quite low in myself. I'm not pining for him, but I feel a bit weepy and out of sorts again, which I'm annoyed at myself about, five months later.

Thanks @herewegoagain22, that's really kind. I think im still in shock tbh. I knew it was coming because I was going to end things tonight but he obviously sensed that and unilaterally decided to do it first, giving us no chance to have a mature and humane breakup. It's forever ruined our relationship. Even tho he has been a nightmare the past few weeks I was happy to forgive and assume good intent just to end things on a good note but now I am looking at the relationship through a different lens and seeing that there were red flags all the way for abusive behaviour and just feeling like an idiot. Nine months wasted with someone I had icky feelings about quite a lot, what is wrong with me. And as I'm 37 I feel time is running out now to find someone to have a child with. Especially as I know I need some time to heal now. I am honestly exhausted by men now. There's been a string of terrible ones spanning the past six years off and on. I think I might be done.

@StartingAgain33 sorry to hear you’ve had to join the club. It sounds like a rubbish way of it happening too. Would you like to share more about it. Everyone here is very supportive.

In case anyone wants detail of why ex raised red flags for me, on top of the 16 minute rambling voice note ending things, here's a thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4290405-Dumped-by-16-min-rambling-voice-note?pg=1

@StartingAgain33 I just had a read. It really does sound like you’re better off without him.

Feeling sad today and missing him. Worried I 'drove' him to his behaviour and that Im telling myself he was abusive to make me feel better when really it was all just as much my fault things went awry. I do think he really tried and didn't mean to be mean, he was just emotionally stunted maybe

@StartingAgain33 I have that same conversation in my mind all the time, but after a while I always come to the conclusion that whilst there were things I could have done differently and would in future, there was no way I deserved what my ex did to me and I very much suspect the same is true for you. You partly feel like that because you’re trying to figure out what went wrong and I suspect partly because that’s how your ex made you feel. Mine repeatedly told me what I did wrong that “made” him do what he did (a year long affair and lying to me about it to the point I got counselling to deal with my lack of trust in someone who was just trying to do the right thing - that’s the story I was fed). It’s nonsense. People have the choice to treat others with decency or not, and neither of our exs made that choice.

I just dropped my DC at my ex’s house and heard them chatting away to OW as I left. I hate it.

Thanks @sorryaboutthetypos, I do worry I was overly critical in the relationship but also I feel he took anything I said as a criticism when it wasn't. I think we were just bad for eachother tbh.

@SorryAboutTheTypos if it helps to put it in perspective, it's better that their interactions with her, superficially at least, are positive.

@BelladiMamma I know that’s true and it would be awful if they hated her, I just feel like she has no boundaries and doesn’t consider my feelings at all in any of her interactions with the children. It’s important to me that everyone is happy, whereas she only cares that she is happy (she has repeatedly acted in a way that shows this is the case and as much as I’ve tried to give her the benefit of the doubt she keeps showing it to be true). I will make concessions and sacrifices for them and the children and they won’t do the same back for me.

@hellotesting123123 I had a very similar situation happen recently. Do you think he is possibly an avoidant or commitment phobe? Mine would also make grand statements about the future and being together forever, but then any time an actual chance for commitment came up, he'd pick fights, go cold and basically be awful. We moved in together and he seemed to just try to make it as awful as he possibly could until I moved out again.

Out of interest, have you ever lived together? Did you consider buying a property together rather than you on your own?

[quote SorryAboutTheTypos]@BelladiMamma I know that’s true and it would be awful if they hated her, I just feel like she has no boundaries and doesn’t consider my feelings at all in any of her interactions with the children. It’s important to me that everyone is happy, whereas she only cares that she is happy (she has repeatedly acted in a way that shows this is the case and as much as I’ve tried to give her the benefit of the doubt she keeps showing it to be true). I will make concessions and sacrifices for them and the children and they won’t do the same back for me.[/quote]
I hear you. Just make sure you've got some good stuff going on for you and then let them carry on being the selfish pricks that they are. They can dig their own hole xx

@BelladiMamma I’m trying. I’m so lucky that I have amazing friends and family, just sadly no one local. It’s hard to make plans to distract myself when there’s no one to make plans with. I’m trying new clubs and hoping to find some new people, but no luck so far.

[quote SorryAboutTheTypos]@BelladiMamma I’m trying. I’m so lucky that I have amazing friends and family, just sadly no one local. It’s hard to make plans to distract myself when there’s no one to make plans with. I’m trying new clubs and hoping to find some new people, but no luck so far.[/quote]
If you can afford it, self care like gym membership / the odd massage or beauty treatment is always good to do ♥️

I am feeling rubbish tonight and lonely. 7 weeks since I saw him now. I feel like a failure, I can't do a relationship. He treat me badly, even slept with someone else v quickly on a break. I still went back but couldn't handle it and did not want a life with that hanging over me. I miss him though, when it was nice. Watching the football on my own and I know he is probably with another woman already

Tough week for me, unbelievably so. 7 weeks after D Day and the rush to find a job and apply for benefits

He had a three and a half year affair and is now in a relationship with her. Asks me every week about ‘job situation’ and I now have a very low paid job. Finances and divorce ongoing

They are having holidays and meals out. We had agreed post split that we would discuss timeline etc first before introducing anyone to our 10 year old

I found out yesterday he had already introduced our DS to OW before discussing with me

He just shrugged and folded his arms, saying ‘I’ve wanted this for years but never had the guts to leave you’

I said he may have but to DS and I, it had only been weeks

DS is only just coming to terms with him leaving, they could have waited longer

Ladies can I join you. I have been following your thread and I’m so sorry what has happened to many of you. I can’t even go into my story, but the man I lived with and loved for 3.5 years turned into a person I’m ashamed to have stayed with for the last 10 months. I’m finally in the last 2 weeks not with him anymore, but not before he got to let me down badly again. He is from another country and back there. Another woman involved the whole time, and oh she should be visiting any day now. My feelings go from anger, to why me? To imagining them together again. All this on top of breast cancer, failed reconstruction and now thankfully some reconstruction which is ongoing. And in all this I am met with someone who doesn’t see a problem with anything he has done!
I now need to stay strong and keep him out of my life for good x

@Franwith2and1 how are you doing tonight? I'm so sorry to read a little about what you're going through. You are such a warrior and deserve so much more than someone who treats you like that and subjects you to such games after everything that's happened. It will seem like a tough road ahead but you will surprise yourself at how strong you can be AND how much better off you will be without him x

@Herewegoagain22

So today, my partner of 3 years ended things with me. Deep down I know it was for the best (for both of us) but it doesn’t stop it hurting like hell. There genuinely is no going back. It’s just going through this horrible period of looking for his texts, wondering what he’s up to, missing him in general and generally just feeling lost that I can’t stand

I wonder just how my ex will handle the breakup, when it reaches that point with her dh, unless of course the relationship survives .

Thank you. I played a tournament at my tennis club tonight and played really well, so that has lifted me. I cannot fathom how men who are pretty normal can turn into absolute arseholes and deny anything they are doing or have done!

@Rozziie thank you, yes I do think he was an avoidant. He hadnt had a relationship for over a decade. He really liked the idea but he seemed to not be able to deal with the normal ups and downs of life or a relationship.

Starting to get the anger...just so hard to feel it as im sure he was trying his best and was just not capable. I dont think he did it on purpose. But, he did treat me like crap and I wish I had dumped him at month 4 the first time he pulled the rug from my feet. What a twat.

DW has said she thinks she's found somewhere to move to, its been 18 months since she wanted out to be with OM and I am totally exhausted. Even though she has put me through hell I am still in love with her, God knows why so feeling pretty down today. Of course trying to do that man thing where externally I look okay to everyone but inside I am still devastated as I guess I thought by now she'd have realised how much of a mistake she made.

I won't lie I hope she move out and comes back into real life with a bump (paying a house, cleaning it, going shopping all of which she has done none of the last year) and realises how fucked up she's been, but I am sure in these cases that rarely happens.

Bit of a low day for.me here, it's been 7 months and I've moved on sometimes well and felt happy and hopeful but having a bad day again today. Missing him and hating being single . I just want it to be over and to not think about him anymore

@crochetmonkey74 sorry you're feeling that way. I can relate. Are you taking some time out to be single or actively dating at the moment? I think Saturdays are the worst!