Anyone want to join the breakup club?

[Herewegoagain22]

So today, my partner of 3 years ended things with me. Deep down I know it was for the best (for both of us) but it doesn’t stop it hurting like hell. There genuinely is no going back. It’s just going through this horrible period of looking for his texts, wondering what he’s up to, missing him in general and generally just feeling lost that I can’t stand

@mcvities I’m so sorry to read your post. I’m not too sure about the nightmares. I had a long period of nightmares but they were when I suspected the affair and was being lied to. They actually calmed down a lot when I learned the truth and he left. They do sometimes come back, but I tend to find that they’re usually when I’m particularly stressed about something. I guess what’s worked for me is focussing on my future and the things I need to sort to ensure I have financial security, fair access to my kids, good friends, etc. When those things are going according to plan the nightmares go, if I have a hiccup the nightmares come back. So my advice would be to sit down and work out what you think you need to move forward and then focus on getting those things for yourself. As they start to come together I suspect the nightmares will start to ease. Sending love as I know how tough it is x

Thank you @SorryAboutTheTypos. I think it’s because everything is so up in the air. He’s playing hard ball about absolutely everything and is trying to call all the shots

I’ve been to see a solicitor but need funds to start the ball rolling. I’m completely financially dependent on him at the moment, after he encouraged me to leave my job a few months ago

I’m desperately applying for jobs but won’t feel settled until things are sorted

I can’t believe how cold and vile they are after finding ‘true love’ with another person. It’s like they’re completely devoid of all compassion

Hi @mcvities do not let him pressure you. Divorces takes time he must be aware of that. Make sure you are in good position for it.
There can be different reasons for his coldness. It my be strategy but might be also way of coping. He did care about you, he might still do deep inside at some level. You are enough. You are strong. You will get through this. The pain will subside, the fog will be gone and you will find your happiness. I wish you all best.

Can I join ?

Boyfriend of 5 years split up with me last Monday. It was his choice, I didn’t want to split up. Our relationship has been long distance for the past year without an end in sight which isn’t easy but I didn’t want to give up. He was really upset, distraught actually. He didn’t really give exact reasons but he has been under a lot of stress at work at the moment and said he is struggling to cope with life in general. He wanted to basically split up but stay in contact (not as frequently though), not see other people or each other and re assess our relationship in September when work should be easier for him. He felt this would give us both time to figure out what we want. I said no because it felt like he wanted to go out and test the waters but still have me waiting there as a back up.

The thing is though he is still calling/texting almost as if nothing has changed. Not quite as often as before but still pretty regular. Things like good morning texts with lots of kisses or FaceTime to say goodnight, love you etc. I feel like I probably shouldn’t answer but I do. He’s also said that he won’t be removing our ‘in a relationship’ on Facebook for a long time as he didn’t split up with me to move on and he hasn’t told anyone else yet because it’s not anyone else’s business. I feel like it’s giving me false hope and he’s messing with my head, I don’t think we will get back together and honestly, I don’t know if I would want to now after all the hurt he has caused.

It’s just so confusing right now, I don’t know what we are anymore. We’ve split up but it doesn’t feel like it and no one really knows so it doesn’t feel like I can actually properly grieve or start to try to move on. It kind of feels like if I don’t stop contact myself it will just play out like this until he finds someone else or phases me out of his life.

@Wolfie11

You have to take back control here and end contact. It’s the only way. Just text and say “I’m sorry but I have decided that as you wanted to bring things to an end, it will be easier for me to have no contact with you going forward. Please don’t text me anymore.”

You are right in your assumption that by saying don’t see anyone else, what he is actually saying is “I’m going to do what I want but don’t want you moving on in case it doesn’t work out for me”

Don’t be his fallback. Take control back from him.

You'll be okay just take it one day at a time. Being on your own isn't the worst thing in the world. You do get used to it and sometimes it's better than being in a relationship. I feel much freer than I used to and wouldn't consider dating again. There are ways to feel happy, all is not lost

I'm about to be single I suspect, my boyfriend has said he 'needs to think about things' after having a long rant at me at how 'shit I've made him feel' when I calmly bought up something that had hurt my feelings. It was also on the day I completed on a house purchase and he knew it was literally my first conversation in the house and didn't want it to be a horrible one (my hurt feelings were because I would have liked him to be more positive for one day and not moan as per usual). This isn't the first time I've been subjected to long angry rants where he seems to be feel a massive amount of shame and just fling it at me. I'm usually very assertive when I need to be but it makes me feel physically weak. It's happened 3 or 4 times now. He also does massive statements like he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and then swings like this, it's very destabilising.

He has said we should try and talk on the weekend (despite the plan always being that he would spend the first night with me in my new property tomorrow) but I'm honestly thinking maybe we should break up and this isn't healthy. I'm a bit exhausted by it all, and perhaps holding on a bit too hard because I'm 36 and very frightened of being alone and childless :(

I've spent the last couple of hours reading through all these posts. Im here if anyone ever would like to talk / vent / rant.

My situation is slighty different as i ended my 9 year relationship.. but i am still struggling like you all are. It has been almost 3 months now and although i chose to walk away because of dishonesty and hiding things from me, it still hurts A LOT.

9 years.. engaged for just over one year.. about to buy a house together before finding out he was in debt / had been hiding credit card debt from me.. and wasnt the first time either!

To make matters worse i found out he had moved on after about 2 weeks - he denied it of course - but within a month he was round this womans house. Once i found out about that i cut off all contact so dont know anything further since then and would rather not know too!

Its just so frustrating as i was the one to leave but also seem to be the only one whos upset about it. Its like he just shrugged it off and moved on, as if it was all nothing to him. Yet im still struggling day to day...

@Wolfie11 I think you did the right thing. It sounds like he wants you as a friend, not as a partner, but if he wants that he needs to understand that even best friends don't send texts like that. He's probably still very fond of you and is experiencing difficulties letting the relationship part go.

So ex is back seeing OW regularly now she’s left her husband. He’s told me is “natural that they’re going to get closer now”.

My DS told me today that she’s at the house every day (he say she has wifi problems at home so can’t work there). She’s also there at the weekend.

I can’t bear hearing about her and yet every time I speak to my children her name comes up as she’s the person they’re spending their whole life with. Apparently she’s a lot of fun.

I know I should be glad that they like her but it’s a like dagger in my heart having to hear it. I asked exH not to have her around this children yet but He ignore me. I had a year of being compared unfavourably to her from exH all the time with her pretending to be my friend and them both lying to my face about their affair. She’s never apologised or shown any kind of remorse. I don’t want someone I don’t trust raising my kids. How to I get through this?

@SorryAboutTheTypos

So ex is back seeing OW regularly now she’s left her husband. He’s told me is “natural that they’re going to get closer now”.

My DS told me today that she’s at the house every day (he say she has wifi problems at home so can’t work there). She’s also there at the weekend.

I can’t bear hearing about her and yet every time I speak to my children her name comes up as she’s the person they’re spending their whole life with. Apparently she’s a lot of fun.

I know I should be glad that they like her but it’s a like dagger in my heart having to hear it. I asked exH not to have her around this children yet but He ignore me. I had a year of being compared unfavourably to her from exH all the time with her pretending to be my friend and them both lying to my face about their affair. She’s never apologised or shown any kind of remorse. I don’t want someone I don’t trust raising my kids. How to I get through this?

I don't have any answers but just to say, it's shit, I'm sorry you've had to go through this and just remind yourself that the DC know who Mum is. And that things will no doubt lose their shine at some point for ex and OW, at which point the DC will see that OW isn't Mary Poppins.

@SorryAboutTheTypos I'm the same, I don't really know what I can say to make you feel any better as it's an awful situation. I really feel for you. But like @BelladiMamma said, the excitement of this new relationship will wear off soon and the children will always only ever have one mum, to which nobody will ever compare. Try to focus on you, and be the best version you can be without dragging yourself into what your ex and his OW are doing. Nothing is ever as perfect as it seems from the outside - although they will try hard to portray that it is.

Thanks @Herewegoagain22 and @BelladiMamma I worry that she’s trying to push me out as she spent the past 18 months trying to push me out of my marriage and she doesn’t seem to understand appropriate boundaries. Hopefully I’m wrong. Fingers crossed.

I very much doubt everything is as good as they present, but they do a good job of pretending that they’re made for each other and no one else understands.

He’s currently ignoring all of my messages which is frustrating (one with dates he needs to know for the kids and one asking when he’s going to come and clear his stuff from the house).

@SorryAboutTheTypos

Thanks *@Herewegoagain22 and @BelladiMamma* I worry that she’s trying to push me out as she spent the past 18 months trying to push me out of my marriage and she doesn’t seem to understand appropriate boundaries. Hopefully I’m wrong. Fingers crossed.

I very much doubt everything is as good as they present, but they do a good job of pretending that they’re made for each other and no one else understands.

He’s currently ignoring all of my messages which is frustrating (one with dates he needs to know for the kids and one asking when he’s going to come and clear his stuff from the house).

Again, I am truly sorry that this is happening.

Couple of things: re separation etc presumably a part of it can go through mediators (cheaper but no enforcement) / solicitors (expensive but can be worth it depending on what's getting carved up(.

As for communication, I have gone no contact on WhatsApp and the phone a couple of times with my ex and he has done the same to me. I use an app for dual parenting, which he ignores, but it allows me to record interactions and dates he has them.

In some ways, he's making it easier for you to move on. As much as you can, think of yourself and the children as one self reliant little kingdom; the time they spend with him as partial holidays where their real needs aren't being met but they have a change of scene. The OW is just a satellite; not central or meaningful to their lives beyond providing basic amenities or extras.

It may not help you but I've kind of used that in my head as a way to allow myself to break free. I was unhappy in my marriage; it seems like you were too. Now is the time to embrace the change for all the new opportunities it's providing you with.

Aww @SorryAboutTheTypos I am sorry your going through this, it’s bad enough going through it yourself but when children are involved I can only imagine it’s so much harder. As others have said your their Mum and always will be, for kids it’s just someone new and all that cool will wear off.

My situation has remained unchanged, my wife is still living here and still seeing the OM, has anyone heard anything like this?! Is absolutely absurd, I mean if you want the marriage leave! She said she was getting her own place over 6 months ago and she’s still here it’s mental, completely and totally mental. The worst part is the feelings I have for are still there which makes me feel like shit more about myself it im honest, I shouldn’t care for her or feel anything for her for the way she’s behaving.

@BelladiMamma you talk so much sense 😊

I will definitely think of OW like that. She doesn’t have her own kids and at the moment acts like it’s all fun and no responsibility.

Out on interest, when you went no contact did you tell him that’s what you were doing, or just start ignoring messages? I have no problem if he tells me he needs space, but he’s been pressuring me to agree things he wants sorted (despite me asking for space) so it seems unfair to suddenly go NC on things I want.

[quote SorryAboutTheTypos]@BelladiMamma you talk so much sense 😊

I will definitely think of OW like that. She doesn’t have her own kids and at the moment acts like it’s all fun and no responsibility.

Out on interest, when you went no contact did you tell him that’s what you were doing, or just start ignoring messages? I have no problem if he tells me he needs space, but he’s been pressuring me to agree things he wants sorted (despite me asking for space) so it seems unfair to suddenly go NC on things I want.[/quote]
Did a mix of each and also once via the solicitor when he'd been particularly shitty and a nasty bully. Hilariously he went NC when the judge told him exactly how little he thought of his financial next to zero offer. 3 days later after I asked him an awkward question he went NC, having discussed it with OW in front of DD. These eejits are all alike. I'm fairly sure they're given a handbook at birth - TheKnobBook, a user's guide.

Anyway. Other than the odd rant on here I am genuinely far happier

@feeficken

Aww *@SorryAboutTheTypos* I am sorry your going through this, it’s bad enough going through it yourself but when children are involved I can only imagine it’s so much harder. As others have said your their Mum and always will be, for kids it’s just someone new and all that cool will wear off.

My situation has remained unchanged, my wife is still living here and still seeing the OM, has anyone heard anything like this?! Is absolutely absurd, I mean if you want the marriage leave! She said she was getting her own place over 6 months ago and she’s still here it’s mental, completely and totally mental. The worst part is the feelings I have for are still there which makes me feel like shit more about myself it im honest, I shouldn’t care for her or feel anything for her for the way she’s behaving.

You poor thing, what a bloody nightmare for you. Are you getting divorced? Do you both own the house? Possibly time for some legal advice or at least a timetable for steps towards divorce. That's an unfair situation which is detrimental for your mental health and your ability to move forward

@feeficken sorry your wife is being such a selfish nightmare. It’s perfectly normal for your feelings to still be there. Mine were for a long time after I discovered my ex’s affair. If you’re anything like me you’ll find they do fade in time. I wouldn’t want my ex back now even if he wanted me (he doesn’t). I still care, but I don’t want him. I found it helped to remind myself of all the rubbish things he’d done every time I felt myself attracted to him. The feeling soon passed.

Have you had an legal advice about legally separating?

Turns out the novelty of being around OW is going to wear off quickly as she’s moving in with exH so she’s going to be around my DC whenever they’re there now.

Time for me to move on. I feel so lost.

@SorryAboutTheTypos

Turns out the novelty of being around OW is going to wear off quickly as she’s moving in with exH so she’s going to be around my DC whenever they’re there now.

Time for me to move on. I feel so lost.

Yes, focus on yourself and your DC. Look after your finances and your health. You matter way more than their deluded 'love' affair

Please can I join the breakup club? Just been dumped via a rambling 16 minute voice note.

@sorryaboutthetypos just read your posts and wanted to say I'm so sorry. Your ex husband and friend sound so so callous. How can people do this! It's so selfish and to not be able to separate from them must be a daily torture. Big bunch of flowers for you. You are so much better than this

@StartingAgain33 sorry you have to join the club. How are you? I can imagine things are really raw and your a bit all over the place so probably a bit of a silly question. We're here for you though, just write in here when you need to. Hugs