Anyone want to join the breakup club?

[Herewegoagain22]

So today, my partner of 3 years ended things with me. Deep down I know it was for the best (for both of us) but it doesn’t stop it hurting like hell. There genuinely is no going back. It’s just going through this horrible period of looking for his texts, wondering what he’s up to, missing him in general and generally just feeling lost that I can’t stand

So do I. I'm 4 months now since breakup but was dreaming about him last night and actually woke up in tears this morning. It's unsettling, even though I am in general feeling stronger. But I keep thinking when I'm alone at weekends, I wonder if he's found his 'dream' woman yet - irrational, I know!

@Teatimes2, its awful isn't it. Try to be kind to yourself and take the focus off him and onto you. I do this too, imagine him meeting someone 'better' think I wasn't enough or not this or that. Reality was he was a dick and treat me badly.
What are your plans today?

Yes, I'm trying to focus less on him but it's hard sometimes. I've no doubt he's not thinking about me... I'd say he's long moved on, going by what he said about previous exes. I did have a nice weekend though, even though I'm feeling a bit down in myself again. Should I be over it completely after 4 months? It was a five year relationship

@Teatimes2 four months isn’t a long time to get over someone at all. I’m definitely not surprised you’re not yet. You will get there though.

@Teatimes2 it's been nearly 20 years since I split with my ex-fiancé and the thought of ever bumping into him still fills me with absolute dread so 4 months is nothing and no one can tell you how you should be feeling

Thank you. That makes me feel a bit better.

Last place I want to be and somewhere I never thought I would be 10 days ago, but can a jilted man join please?

Wife of 10 years (20 in total) has dumped me.

Devastated. Inconsolable. In total despair.

Need a glimmer of hope. If anyone has one to spare.

Thanks for reading.

@ManandaDad of course
I know men get a lot of grief on here but I know women can be just as bad
Has she been seeing someone else?

Thank you @fedup078 I don’t think so, but can’t be sure.

It was definitely out of the blue though. Just says she needs to be happy, and that it can’t be with me. I asked why she said less than 2 weeks ago how much she loved me and that we were making plans for next year and she says she was trying to convince herself.

How’s that fair on me? How am I meant to know there’s anything wrong when she tells me she loves me more than anything on a regular basis?

I keep trying but can’t keep hearing her say she doesn’t want to be with me and that’s she’s leaving me. It physically hurts.

I think you should brace yourself for there being someone else
Unless there is some other major reason such as abuse etc then a sudden change like this usually means there is someone else involved
I know what you mean about it physically hurting
My break up this time has been different but my last one in 2013 very nearly killed me as did the one in 2004
I hope you have some real likes support ?

@ManandaDad you’re definitely welcome, although sorry you’ve had to join us. It is incredibly painful hearing that you’re not loved (my husband told me a year and a half before he finally left and hearing it again and again nearly destroyed me). However, now he’s gone I’m learning to accept it and slowly starting to realise that I’m better off emotionally (sadly not financially) without him. Confiding in one or two trusted friends can be very helpful and if you’re not able to do that then you can always post on here and we’ll send you some virtual best wishes and remind you that you’ll get through it.

I don’t know the circumstances of what’s happened with your wife, but would she consider marriage counselling? If there’s someone else then it’s extremely unlikely to help, but if you’ve simply grown apart then it could help bring you back together.

@fedup078 if it is someone else I can’t see how she’s started it.

She’s a SAHM and cares for our boy all day. She wasn’t protective of her phone at all or never disappeared or did anything that made me suspicious.

She didn’t go out until the weekend before she ended it, so one night stand maybe? But even then I really don’t think so.

She’s just not happy and it’s all my fault.

I have been lazy the last six months or so, taking her for granted, not being attentive, but I never thought this was on the horizon.

I only have my Dad and he’s a bit old school. He tells me to ‘man up’ and ‘be strong’. I don’t think he’s ever loved anyone enough to understand why I’m so upset. No friends or other family at all.

Genuinely don’t see a way through.

Thank you @SorryAboutTheTypos

She’s not the counselling type. I would definitely go but it’s not even up for discussion. She just wants to move out ASAP and get her share of everything and have this fantastic life without me.

I keep hoping she’ll change her mind but she gets more resolute every day. I honestly don’t know how my heart will survive.

It’s the rejection, the lost future, the kids, the new future. I don’t want it. I fear that I’ll feel like this forever.

Thank you for your kindness.

@ManandaDad from what you’ve written you don’t sound like a monster who’s impossible to live with and if that’s the case then this is completely not all your fault. I’m not sure if that’s what she’s told you or that’s what you’ve told yourself, but it’s simply not true. Yes, it’s likely there are things that you could have done differently and it’s important to recognise and learn from those things, but she could have communicated her feelings better to you and if she had done then maybe you could have worked together to repair things. In my marriage there were things I did that upset my husband and sadly, in the same way as you, it wasn’t communicated to me until it was too late. I worked on everything he said and he told me he could see the difference, but sadly the feelings were gone. We realise now that if he’d made it clear earlier how he felt then maybe we could have fixed things. Also, some of my behaviours were me reacting to how he was treating me. In both of those respects he contributed equally to things being broken. At first he blamed it completely on me, but over time he has come to realise it’s more equal.

As I said before, you can’t change the past, but you can learn from it and become an even better version of yourself.

@SorryAboutTheTypos
Thank you, I don’t think I’m a monster either.

I am being told how much I didn’t do (right), how much I did do (wrong), how I made her feel, how I controlled her and she’s actually told me I made her suicidal. How can anyone do that unintentionally?

I hope she comes to remember our time somewhat differently because we had some genuinely amazing times. We had shit too, don’t get me wrong, but that’s life, isn’t it? For me, when it gets tough, you try harder. You don’t throw in the towel and end 20 years. At least say you did all you could.

Struggling to see the future, can only see the one I lost. Haven’t even spoke to an adult other than her in days.

@ManandaDad my husband said almost exactly the same to me and whilst I can see how some things I did may have hurt him (I had undiagnosed depression and pushed him away and sometime took him for granted), none of it was intentional. He slowly accepted over time that this was the case. Your wife may or may not do that, but just because that’s what she thinks, it doesn’t make it true. To say those things and then refuse to go to counselling to help you understand them better is actually quite mean on her part.

I totally understand how you feel about focussing on what you’ve lost, but it will get easier. That’s all I could think about for a long tome, but I’m starting to look forward to a different but still good future.

To say those things and then refuse to go to counselling to help you understand them better is actually quite mean on her part.
@SorryAboutTheTypos

Mean is an understatement. How can someone turn so quickly. Literally 14 days ago we were making plans for next year and saying how much we love each other. To say it’s too late, it’s gone too far, I can’t comprehend. At least give me a chance to rectify it.

That’s what makes me think it doesn’t matter what I do. I liken it to flicking a light switch. She’s flicked it off and unless she flicks it back, there’s nothing I can do. She sees me as a man ruining her life by not making it easy for her.

I totally understand how you feel about focussing on what you’ve lost, but it will get easier. That’s all I could think about for a long tome, but I’m starting to look forward to a different but still good future.

All I keep reading there is about it being all you could think about for a long time. I’m an over thinker by nature. This will destroy me.

Do you know what? I think I can actually say I no longer feel like I love exh any more. I still care and I think I always will, but if he walked into the room today and asked to try again I would say no, not because it’s for the best (because I’d never trust him), but because I don’t want him back in my life. I am better off without having someone who cares that little about me.

@SorryAboutTheTypos glad to hear this update! Think about you and you only!

@Glitterb he made it perfectly clear at the weekend that that’s how he’s going to behave so why should I try and be any different (except kids first, me second). He did something very hurtful, told me he knew I’d be hurt by it and knew he could have done it in a way that would hurt me less but it wasn’t really convenient so he didn’t.

Great thread, thanks for starting. Broke up with husband of 13 years with some I have two kids. Then he was diagnosed with cancer, he’s come through treatment and is a lot better. Then I fell very hard in love with someone who pursued me at work. However he is confused about his life and broke up with me after messing me around a bit. It broke my heart. I feel very alone right now, despite lovely friends.

I’ve recently reconnected with a lovely male friend who is also single, we spent an evening together in which we both felt very close. He sent me a message afterwards saying it was so lovely to reconnect, more soon please. I’d love to spend more time with him and just see where it goes. But am afraid of being inappropriate if I suggest meeting up too soon. I was hoping he’d suggest something and he hasn’t. I also want to make sure I’m not rebounding since he’s a friend I care about.

I know I should maybe also give myself more time being out of a relationship. But the thing is I think I felt very lonely in my marriage for the last number of years, so I would really like to be close to a guy.

Btw a friend just gave me a book written for women ‘It’s Called a Break Up because it’s Broken’, and it’s really good, and actually very humorous, I really recommend it!

Sending strength to everyone xx

@Earlgrey19 did you reply when he said “more soon please”? If you didn’t then it’s not surprising that he hasn’t suggested anything as maybe he doesn’t want to be pushy.

Only you know if it’s too soon. Could you just take things slowly, meet as friends and see where it goes in time. If he asks for more, maybe tell him what you’ve told us here.

NOTE - I know nothing about dating so if someone has better advice take that instead. This is just how I’d probably approach it 😊

Hello, hopefully it's not too late to join? My 20 year relationship ended 3 weeks ago and I'm definitely struggling. Although my husband was here today and I didn't cry til he left, so was proud of that.
We went to counselling and although it was excellent, it became very clear there was no future.

I know I'll be fine - better than fine - but I feel absolute panic when I think too far into the future and my anxiety is insane. In the meantime, I'd love to read and hear about all you wonderful people who have come through the other side, and maybe share the journey with anyone going through similar.

Well folks guess what wife is still living here and still dating OM! I just can’t see an end to this it’s destroyed me! How am I supposed to move on when she’s still here can’t even give me that. I moved back months ago, it’s like no end in sight I think I am going to have to move out again fuck the house.

Does anyone know when the nightmares/dreams end?

Every night, I’m exhausted and really need to sleep but have some sort of vivid dream about it all. His cold looks of contempt or him going back to how he used to be

It’s been five weeks since he left for OW and he’s rushing me for the divorce

He’s treated it like a business deal. I have started proceedings but my solicitor says it could take 6 months to 1 year