Anyone want to join the breakup club?

[Herewegoagain22]

So today, my partner of 3 years ended things with me. Deep down I know it was for the best (for both of us) but it doesn’t stop it hurting like hell. There genuinely is no going back. It’s just going through this horrible period of looking for his texts, wondering what he’s up to, missing him in general and generally just feeling lost that I can’t stand

@Breakingupbadly72 I think we do this because we still hold out hope of a reconciliation and that they're going to reach out and proclaim their love and mistakes. It doesn't happen though, and it just sets you up for even more disappointment (I know because I did exactly the same). Hope is sometimes such a hinderance. I've really focussed on me the past while, cliche I know. But honestly, I am in such a better place physically and emotionally and I am not interested in anyone else. For once, being selfish is paying off

@Herewegoagain22 well said 👏🏼👏🏼

I'm not ready to date, its someone I vaguely know and thought if nothing else it might move me forward. I'm not sure. Yes its the hope I must leave it. I have a few things in the pipeline regarding working on myself. I'm with you. We can do this 💪

@Breakingupbadly72 him not contacting you is honestly doing you a favour, if he kept in contact you would never move on. You deserve to meet someone lovely and you will, in time. I know it’s hard though, and easy to say.

Breakingupbadly72, Glitterb, & Herewegoagain22
Just wanted to encourage you all, there's wisdom in all your posts, you are helping yourselves with your realisation that time will heal. It's human to hope for better things, without it I think we would become cynical. Regarding the upset caused by exes NC, if things were not going well in the ex's lives they would hang on, remaining in contact, and maybe that wouldn't help you move on. On sad, reflective days I would just remember the irritating things about your exes, and the times when they were horrible and unsupportive. Keep on keeping on, best wishes for next year and thankyou for sharing.

DP has packed his bags and left about half an hour ago. Six years ( on Sunday) and 4 year old twins. Its been a long time coming but I'm broken. Hugs to you all.

[quote Herewegoagain22]@Breakingupbadly72 I think we do this because we still hold out hope of a reconciliation and that they're going to reach out and proclaim their love and mistakes. It doesn't happen though, and it just sets you up for even more disappointment (I know because I did exactly the same). Hope is sometimes such a hinderance. I've really focussed on me the past while, cliche I know. But honestly, I am in such a better place physically and emotionally and I am not interested in anyone else. For once, being selfish is paying off [/quote]
This is very helpful.

@ladygindiva

DP has packed his bags and left about half an hour ago. Six years ( on Sunday) and 4 year old twins. Its been a long time coming but I'm broken. Hugs to you all.

So sorry to hear that. I hope you and the DC are ok ♥️

can I join? Mine was a very short relationship (a month!), but so intense and lovely and I had such high hopes for the future. He was really keen too, and really didn't put a foot wrong. I destroyed it with my anxiety/reassurance-seeking behaviour/insecurity. That makes it worse somehow - knowing it's my fault. 21 hours no contact so far ...

@BelladiMamma
thankyou x

@Breakingupbadly72 I agree with @Herewegoagain22, it’s about still holding out hope and for them to come running realising the error of his ways. Weirdly as sad as I am that my ex has said he’s most likely going to try again with OW, I also feel very free. I know now there is no hope and that if he’s running anywhere it’s towards her. The fact is even if he wanted to come back I could have taken him as I wouldn’t trust him. I think I just wanted to feel wanted. Try and accept that he’s moved on and that he’s not going to come running and start looking forward to better things in future. You probably aren’t ready to date yet (I’m sure I’m not), but why not enjoy a nice meal with a friend anyway. It could be fun.

@ladygindiva I’m sorry to hear that. If it’s been a long time coming then I’m sure it’s for the best. Be kind to yourself and take one day at a time and it’ll start to get easier.

@ArriettyCArriettyC I’m sorry to hear that. Have you tried counselling to manage your anxiety? It could help for the future. Is there any chance you could talk to him about your anxiety and try again?

@SorryAboutTheTypos, this is the thing. The trust has gone. My ex slept with someone else in the 5 weeks we had a break. Some random online i think. I went back but really I got no reassurance from him. I think I'm going to bite the bullet and delete all pictures

@ladygindiva
I'm so sorry, do you think it will be any easier knowing it was about to happen? I hope your life improves from now on, be kind to yourself, sending hugs.

Thanks for your kind comments people, it's helping. Yes, I've been mentally preparing myself for this for well over a year, whilst hoping we could turn things around. But it became apparent he is either incapable of doing so or can't be bothered to. I'm also lucky that this is my house and covid prevented us marrying a year ago as was the plan, so financially me and the kids don't have major worries. Thank you for letting me vent. I've been here with my first dc dad ( 20 odd years ago) so I know that whilst it feels shit now, happier times are likely round the corner.

[quote SorryAboutTheTypos]@ArriettyCArriettyC I’m sorry to hear that. Have you tried counselling to manage your anxiety? It could help for the future. Is there any chance you could talk to him about your anxiety and try again?[/quote]
yes, I tried that yesterday :(. Told him about the anxiety, promised to change when I had a handle on it etc. He said something had broken for him and he would not consider getting back together. He was very firm and kind. Better to know really/. I have deleted all our messages :( and changed him to an anon name in my contacts (didn't want to delete from contacts, as it would be obvious if he ever messaged me and I thought it looked a bit petty). That will help me not contact him again, because there is absolutely no point sadly.

[quote SorryAboutTheTypos]@ArriettyCArriettyC I’m sorry to hear that. Have you tried counselling to manage your anxiety? It could help for the future. Is there any chance you could talk to him about your anxiety and try again?[/quote]
oh and yes, I have made plans for my anxiety. Spoke to a private therapist this morning (a bit too expensive £120 per week!). Also did an NHS self referral and am having an assessment over the phone tomorrow - no idea what the wait is like though

@ArriettyCArriettyC that’s sad, but it’s good that he took the time to be open and honest with you rather than stringing you along so you can both move forward. As hard as it sounds, knowing how he feels I think he’s done the best by you he can.

I’m so glad you’re getting help. £120 a week is a lot, but it’ll be totally worth it if it works.

give me a few reasons why it's not a good idea for me to phone him and cry my eyes out :(
Was doing so well earlier, but now feel so so sad and need his comfort.

@ArriettyCArriettyC because I’ve done it and I can assure you, if you’re anything like me (which I think you are as I’m very scared I’ll do exactly the same as you did in a new relationship), then you will regret it and be mortified afterwards. It won’t change his mind. If his feelings changed because of your anxiety all you’ll be doing is cementing what he already thinks in his mind. Chances are if he’s a good man (which is sounds like he is), then he’ll say something kind to you which will get your hopes up and make the situation worse.

What you could try is to write a note to him saying everything you’d like to say and then either destroy it, or maybe post it here so we can support you instead of that’s what you’d like. Don’t send it. I promise it’ll get easier.

thank you SorryAboutTheTypos
It just seems such a sudden change for him. He had seemed so into me - just days before he ended it, he was talking about me meeting his children at some point in the future, going away together, staying overnight this week, he seemed so happy and excited with me. Then all of a sudden I guess his annoyance at my reassurance-seeking flared up, and he snapped.

@ArriettyCArriettyC I would also chip in and say, there were times I wanted to contact my ex too. But looking back, I am SO GLAD I didn't. As @SorryAboutTheTypos says, it isn't going to change their mind and you will be embarrassed later. He has made his decision which unfortunately includes you not being together. Stay strong, let him walk away and keep your self worth by not begging or asking him to stay. If someone wants to walk, let them. Value yourself more and don't reach out. Delete their number if you have to, it will help during any weaker moments, and remember, this will pass. You'll soon see that it is completely his loss, and someone who was 'good for you' or 'right for you' wouldn't have walked away so easily in the first place. Please also stop blaming yourself, some people need more reassurance than others, if he wasn't in a position to give you what you needed, then that's exactly it, 'it isn't what you needed' and you wouldn't be happy with what he could provide you

@ArriettyCArriettyC it may not even be because of your reassurance seeking, it may have been because it was suddenly getting serious that he reassessed, so please don’t blame yourself. You’ll never know for sure. What you do know is that you don’t think your reassurance seeking was helpful so definitely work on it anyway and I’m sure you’ll been better about yourself when you do.

What I keep telling myself is that if I love myself then it doesn’t matter so much if someone else does. I hope that with that mindset I’ll be able to go into a new relationship without worrying about where it’s going and if it might end. I’m definitely not there yet, but I hope to be one day and I think I’ll have a better, stronger relationship in the future as a result.

How is everyone getting along? I find weekends especially the hardest.