To think this is financial abuse/control

[Oldat40]

As briefly as I can...

Left my controlling ex-husband seven years ago. He changed the locks to the large family home within hours of me going and I never was able to return. I got a settlement in court but, despite working ft, the settlement combined with my earnings was not enough to get a mortgage for a three-bed property (boys are 11 and 13, both with additional needs).

I spent 6k on a car as mine was going up it, and returned 4k to my parents for loan of legal fees. The rest I saved for when I could afford to get on the property ladder.

My ex was awarded 50/50 shared care by the courts as my years of abuse could not be "evidenced."

To date he has taken me to court on around five separate occasions and so has drained almost all of money in legal fees. I do not qualify for Legal Aid. On repeated occasions he had applied to gain more custody of the children but has so far been unsuccessful. He is currently taking me back to court again for another try. Should he win I will be required to pay him maintenance.

As it is 50/50 currently there is no maintenance due by either party. He refuses to pay costs for any extra-curricular activities so I end up picking up the bill for those.

He won't share clothes or school uniforms, anything like that. We are still privately renting seven years on. One bathroom between us all is not fun!

So now we are at a point where nearly all of the money I had saved has gone on legal fees fighting for the best interests of the children. We are not in a position now to get a mortgage.

Ex earns in excess of £115k pa, I earn around £15k pa. I have a partner who earns a small amount more than me, also working ft. He lives with a partner who does not work.

AIBU to think this is financial control/abuse?

It happened within our marriage very frequently but it hasn't ended up on divorce.

If this is who I think it is then wasn't the ex saying dreadful things about the baby and her not being their real family etc? Made them stressed and angry about it from the moment he found out.

Yes he told them my baby would be born a "retard" (I'm now 40) and that I only ever wanted a daughter and not sons and that the baby wasn't related to them(?!) They adore their sister but can't tell their dad that because he would go mad.
As for posters saying they want to be with him more because we have a baby, what happens if/when dad's gf wants a baby? She's 29 so lots of years ahead of her.

@Oldat40

Yes he told them my baby would be born a "retard" (I'm now 40) and that I only ever wanted a daughter and not sons and that the baby wasn't related to them(?!) They adore their sister but can't tell their dad that because he would go mad. As for posters saying they want to be with him more because we have a baby, what happens if/when dad's gf wants a baby? She's 29 so lots of years ahead of her.

Yes, I remember all this. I didn't want to refer to the dreadful claims of the R word because I wasn't 100% sure. I'm so sorry OP. It must be so frustrating for you. All I can say to you is that eventually it has to swing the other way. My ex told dreadful lies about me to everyone and I took a lot of abuse from ex friends and his family but gradually over the years he showed himself and while I don't get much in the way of apologies, they make it clear that they now realise what a liar he was. So awful for him to be driving a wedge between siblings like that too.

I have read many of your threads. It certainly does sound as though the ex was and is emotionally abusive to both you and your sons. I can't even imagine how difficult that must be.

However, I wouldn't characterise his current behaviour as financially abusive. And what strikes me most of all is that the you seem perpetually stuck in resentment to the point of paralysis, and also that you can't separate financial and emotional issues in your mind. I know it is easy for me to say that, as an observer. But in your shoes I think I would try to compartmentalise the various issues as much as possible.

From the strictly financial perspective, if the divorce settlement was unfair (e.g., if your ex hid assets, etc.), is there any way to rectify that? I genuinely don't know whether that would be legally possible. And if not, I'd really try to draw a line under it and do what I could to move forward. Again, I know it's easy for me to say that. But surely there is a way to increase your earning potential. Can you or your partner retrain in another field? I can imagine that might be trickier now that you have a baby than it might have been a few years ago, but the short term pain could be worth long term gain.

Op, I also think you need to try to seperate financial abuse from emotional. I think it’s lovely that if you were divorced and a high earner you’d make sure your ex had a lovely house and enough money so the children had an equal lifestyle where ever they went, but in reality very few people do this.

You are simply not entitled to this type of financial support from your ex. The emotional abuse is different, and I think you need to seek more therapy to try to help you move on. The repeated court cases I understand you feel he is only doing to be abusive, it would seem maybe he has different view, you may be right, I don’t know, but these need to be addressed seperately to the fact he has a more affluent lifestyle than you,

There have been several threads outlining how:

The boys don’t adore the baby at all
Don’t like the DP who has been horrible to them since before OP moved in with him
Don’t want OP to marry him
The DP has had serious health issues
DP earns more than OP
OP earns more than DP
DP is lazy and unambitious
DP calls OP lazy and swears at her
They don’t have sex and are miserable
OP thinks the boys would be better off living with their dad.

The ex is no doubt an arsehole but it’s not clear cut that the boys want to live with their dad because he’s alienated them, when their other household isn’t happy or peaceful.

OP based on your previous threads it changes things.
As pp said you need to let go of the stress you're bringing on over his finances, the settlement is done.
He has 50% custody.
My friend and her ex bank 100 a month each to cover Birthdays christmas he pays more as he is the high earner 70/30 by court order but if he is already supplying these things then forget finances.
Sort out custody let the boys decide they'll be able to decide for themself to a judge in a few years

@AnneLovesGilbert Please stop commenting negatively on most of my posts. It's a bit weird how invested you are in my life tbh.

@Emeraldshamrock Thanks.

I'll leave it there. Court next month then again later on in the year so we shall see.

I'll keep fighting for my boys.

@AnneLovesGilbert You forgot to mention OH has had recent emergency spinal surgery and a result has been left with complications affecting many parts of his life and affecting our relationship xx

Please stop commenting negatively on most of my posts. It's a bit weird how invested you are in my life tbh.

It is difficult to give advice when we don't know all of the background info though.

My initial post was that he was in the wrong for going to court for more than 50/50 custody but if there is a background or you have said yourself they would be better off with him then my opinion may change.

You keep saying you will keep fighting for your children but it doesn't seem they want you to fight for them there comes a time when you need to take responsibility for your actions and let go

I represented myself in court because my ex was similarly well off and I couldn’t LD not afford a barrister. It was fine. Sometimes it’s the only option. You can only say your truth and then you have to let things lie and come to terms with things.

I wouldn’t say it’s financial Abuse but I would say it’s Parental Alienation. Something which is nearly impossible to prove in court. It happens in so many separated relationships. My DPs ex wife does the same.

As custody at the moment is 50:50 regardless of what he earns he doesn’t need to contribute to anything else.

I feel you were also pretty lucky to get a financial settlement- depends how much money you put into the property I guess!

I’m not invested anymore. But every time you post your story changes a bit and you get lots of people sharing their own stories of abuse and investing heavily in yours. There’s plenty I didn’t include above, I wish you no harm, you’re obviously very unhappy and seeking support and sympathy.

I was drawn in to your sad history quite a while ago and gave you lots of support urging you not to go from one abusive relationship to another. The behaviour you described from your then new boyfriend was very upsetting to read and lots of posters urged you to dump him. Instead you moved in with him, inflicted him on your very damaged children, got engaged to him and had another baby all while both children displayed more and more disturbing behaviour. It’s a car crash. You ask for advice several times a week and refuse to listen to it. Most posts end up being about your ex.

My concern is for the posters kindly giving you their time and emotional investment. Nothing ever changes.

Hopefully you can get the help you and your children desperately need.

@AnneLovesGilbert

I’m not invested anymore. But every time you post your story changes a bit and you get lots of people sharing their own stories of abuse and investing heavily in yours. There’s plenty I didn’t include above, I wish you no harm, you’re obviously very unhappy and seeking support and sympathy.

I was drawn in to your sad history quite a while ago and gave you lots of support urging you not to go from one abusive relationship to another. The behaviour you described from your then new boyfriend was very upsetting to read and lots of posters urged you to dump him. Instead you moved in with him, inflicted him on your very damaged children, got engaged to him and had another baby all while both children displayed more and more disturbing behaviour. It’s a car crash. You ask for advice several times a week and refuse to listen to it. Most posts end up being about your ex.

My concern is for the posters kindly giving you their time and emotional investment. Nothing ever changes.

Hopefully you can get the help you and your children desperately need.

Ah, it's that poster. I would echo @AnneLovesGilbert's advice.

But every time you post your story changes a bit and you get lots of people sharing their own stories of abuse and investing heavily in yours. There’s plenty I didn’t include above, I wish you no harm, you’re obviously very unhappy and seeking support and sympathy
I have to agree.

Oh God now I remember that poster.

Not hard to see then why the ex wants the kids to live with him and why the kids want to.

@AnneLovesGilbert seems to be giving very accurate and kind advice here OP. I’m sure the situation is incredibly difficult for everyone involved, but the healthiest thing is for you to own your role in how things have ended up and look as dispassionately as possible at what is best for you the kids. It’s not “fighting FOR” your boys if they don’t want this, in that case you’re fighting against them for you.

@Bumblebee1980a have you read the latest updates? OP is in a toxic relationship with a baby and having a lot of difficulties at home at the moment. Her sons are saying they want to be based more with their dad, it sounds like the issue is she’s struggling to accept that. He’s taking her to court to get this. Op has said that the sons have told professionals they want to spend more time at dad’s, she admits her partner is abusive

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy Where have I said my partner is abusive?! Load of crap. I'm leaving the thread now as I need support not slagging off. I won't let anyone tell me my kids should spend more time with an abuser. End of.

[quote Oldat40]@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy Where have I said my partner is abusive?! Load of crap. I'm leaving the thread now as I need support not slagging off. I won't let anyone tell me my kids should spend more time with an abuser. End of.[/quote]
So your previous thread, saying your new partner swears at you if you can't settle the baby, wasn't true, then?

He sounds a peach.