To think this is financial abuse/control

[Oldat40]

As briefly as I can...

Left my controlling ex-husband seven years ago. He changed the locks to the large family home within hours of me going and I never was able to return. I got a settlement in court but, despite working ft, the settlement combined with my earnings was not enough to get a mortgage for a three-bed property (boys are 11 and 13, both with additional needs).

I spent 6k on a car as mine was going up it, and returned 4k to my parents for loan of legal fees. The rest I saved for when I could afford to get on the property ladder.

My ex was awarded 50/50 shared care by the courts as my years of abuse could not be "evidenced."

To date he has taken me to court on around five separate occasions and so has drained almost all of money in legal fees. I do not qualify for Legal Aid. On repeated occasions he had applied to gain more custody of the children but has so far been unsuccessful. He is currently taking me back to court again for another try. Should he win I will be required to pay him maintenance.

As it is 50/50 currently there is no maintenance due by either party. He refuses to pay costs for any extra-curricular activities so I end up picking up the bill for those.

He won't share clothes or school uniforms, anything like that. We are still privately renting seven years on. One bathroom between us all is not fun!

So now we are at a point where nearly all of the money I had saved has gone on legal fees fighting for the best interests of the children. We are not in a position now to get a mortgage.

Ex earns in excess of £115k pa, I earn around £15k pa. I have a partner who earns a small amount more than me, also working ft. He lives with a partner who does not work.

AIBU to think this is financial control/abuse?

It happened within our marriage very frequently but it hasn't ended up on divorce.

@gobackanddoitproperly

He has found a way of limiting access to your money by making you tip it all into the legal system while not even being married to you. With the added bonus of arguing it can't be financial abuse because he's not married to you...it isn't happening in the home...because you're responsible for your own finances etc etc. Clever him.

Honestly, the propensity for people here to bend over backwards to see the arsehole point of view is astounding to me sometimes.

'Topping her up' financially doesn't mean NOT dragging her back to court multiple times. What a hideous thing to say.

Maybe he doesn't think extra curricular activities are important? Maybe, just maybe, he is a prick?

Well said.

Some of the posters on here are messed up.

[quote CC2021]@HmmSureJan yes of course but there are plenty of cases where DC spend more of their time with Mum and not because Dad doesn't want extra time. So why would it be so bad for the DC to be allowed to live more with the parent they want to be with?[/quote]
Would you be happy to hand your children over full time to an abuser who you know is trying to alienate you from your children? And honestly I am struggling with your apparent confusion in understanding why most parents would feel horribly sad at not living with their children at least 50% of the time - mother or father.

[quote FloconDeNeige]@HmmSureJan

No, you calling me names won’t stop me from expressing my views on a public forum. It just makes you look like a bully.[/quote]
Blah blah blah.

I had no pension or assets

But did he? If so, you have a claim here. Did you receive cash for half the equity in the family home?

Post separation/divorce abuse is for sure a fact of life for many. Especially common where there are children involved
There is zero evidence that the OP is a gambler,so needed the money in her purse intended for food, taking away, nor that every night she needed to be back as he had an international flight the next morning. My own then-husband made it impossible for me to go out in the evening for many years until the children were in their late teens by having hobbies that were so important that they couldn't be missed, that extended to doing anything at weekends. Couldn't spend the money on babysitters as we couldn't afford it apparently, but we could always afford his hobbies, but then when the children were old enough not to need looking after he would simply manufacture arguments just before I was to leave, and sulk and behave badly if I did manage to get out
If you've not experienced coercive control maybe just keep quiet rather than trying to disprove the OP, things do not magically get better because the person is living apart, it has taken me years to get through the mental ill health caused by years of it

Oh my I feel for you @Oldat40

I am sorry I am not able to offer any advice. Hopefully, someone else can?

Either way too much cash has dissapeared since the divorce or there is something really wrong with the orignal divorce settlement? I can’t square it, you either spent A LOT on legal fees or have the world’s worst divorce settlement

[quote Oldat40]@Mumwithapub It isn't really provable so no legal implications.
What really worries me is if a lot of people on here can't see the abuse or have simply minimised it (because we are not now married, an abusive husband doesn't equal a bad dad, the eldest is saying he "wants" to live with dad more), then what hope do I stand in court?
How can I protect my beautiful children?[/quote]
A court will only be interested in whether he abuses/abused the CHILDREN. Not you.

They will decide in the CHILDREN'S best interests, not yours and not his.

It isn't about where YOU stand in court. It just isn't.

I got zero pension.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland the devil doesn’t need an advocate. Abused women frequently do. Perhaps you should rethink which side you’re on.

And yes OP, I have seen your other posts, and yes absolutely he was abusive towards you. PP going on about the purse etc - it was years ago when they were still in a relationship. He was an abusive fucker towards YOU, not the children.

You split up seven years ago.

Now it is about what is best for the children. It is all about what they want and what is best for them.

Wait what you got zero pension??

So let’s get this right:
Family house: how much equity was in this, how much did you get? Assuming a nice house given his salary I’m imaging 50% of this should have been big?
Pensions: these should have been pooled, you would have got a chunk of pension or a cash payment? Did you not get even a cash payment to offset not taking pension?! This should have been a big chunk on his salary.
Shared assets: split of belongings, etc should have been part of the agreement?

Something has gone very very wrong here

I really think a lot of these financial issues could have been prevented from the start if you had been really dispassionate and calm from the start about the children’s place in all this.

Good job it’s so easy to be dispassionate and calm about your abusive ex trying to limit your access to your children, eh?

@Haffiana Do you think that he doesn't with the horrendous things he tells them?
Most recent example...
Eldest on phone: Hi Dad. Really excited because if we can go end of summer we have booked a trip to Wales. Right in the mountains which (partner's name) and I love. (Younger brother) is hoping we can go too as there's loads to do there!"
Dad: "That's shit."

[quote Oldat40]@CC2021 With respect you are just not getting it. I am not asking him that. There is no "shortfall" and I work hard to make it so. What I would like is for him to stop draining me of the money I have saved as yet another form of revenge. Wish I'd have gone on a bloody holiday to the Bahamas now rather than trying to invest in my. childrens' future.[/quote]
With respect, I am. You are the one that's not getting it's your choice to "drain" the money.

I got zero pension

I know I'm repeating myself, but did your Ex have a pension at the time that you separated? If so, you have a claim here for half of the value at that time. Please don't gloss over this. You could be due thousands.

And again - half the equity in the marital home & economic recompense for being the lower earner.

Wouldn't you love to wipe the smile off his face?

Did you have a separation agreement? You need one.

[quote Oldat40]@Haffiana Do you think that he doesn't with the horrendous things he tells them?
Most recent example...
Eldest on phone: Hi Dad. Really excited because if we can go end of summer we have booked a trip to Wales. Right in the mountains which (partner's name) and I love. (Younger brother) is hoping we can go too as there's loads to do there!"
Dad: "That's shit."[/quote]
Yes, he is a cunt. They will be able to see that for themselves.

What do you tell them OP?

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy I got the half house settlement and one of the kid's framed "Day you were born" canvases. No pension or anything else. He has own business and said he was only taking 22k pa for it.

Would you be happy to hand your children over full time to an abuser who you know is trying to alienate you from your children? And honestly I am struggling with your apparent confusion in understanding why most parents would feel horribly sad at not living with their children at least 50% of the time - mother or father.

I'm not confused why a person would feel sad. I'm confused as to why the OP is insisting it's financial abuse when she chooses to spend the money to prevent her DC living where they want to live. It's not about how sad Mum or Dad feel, it's about how the DC feel.

Anyway, I'm out. OP posted on AIBU. Lots of us have said yes she is BU and no it's not financial abuse. Nothing more we add is going to make OP see that.

@HmmSureJan

but anyone who posts a very negative story full of abuse/neglect/control it must be 100% true and accurate and can't possibly be doubted?

No you just handle it sensitively and kindly in case it's true. You probe gently to find the missing links. That's what decent people do anyway.

I’m guessing you’re not classifying yourself as ‘decent’ here then, since decent people don’t go around calling others cunts in an attempt to silence them into submission for having an alternative viewpoint.

@SummerBlondey Yes and yes but he hid them all away / put with family. And his savings. There are ways of doing it when you've worked very high up in finance for years

@CC2021 Google Parental Alienation.

He was "setting up" a new business

I’m guessing you’re not classifying yourself as ‘decent’ here then, since decent people don’t go around calling others cunts in an attempt to silence them into submission for having an alternative viewpoint.

I do yes. You didn't just have an alternative viewpoint, you were nasty to a distressed OP . I won't change my mind so you may as well stop trying to get me to retract or apologise for what I said. I don't care for the opinions of randoms on MN who got out of bed the wrong side and were mean to abused women. You should try not caring too instead of showing how stung you are by justified criticism. It's very liberating

Sorry I do classify myself as a decent person. For reasons already explained