To think this is financial abuse/control

[Oldat40]

As briefly as I can...

Left my controlling ex-husband seven years ago. He changed the locks to the large family home within hours of me going and I never was able to return. I got a settlement in court but, despite working ft, the settlement combined with my earnings was not enough to get a mortgage for a three-bed property (boys are 11 and 13, both with additional needs).

I spent 6k on a car as mine was going up it, and returned 4k to my parents for loan of legal fees. The rest I saved for when I could afford to get on the property ladder.

My ex was awarded 50/50 shared care by the courts as my years of abuse could not be "evidenced."

To date he has taken me to court on around five separate occasions and so has drained almost all of money in legal fees. I do not qualify for Legal Aid. On repeated occasions he had applied to gain more custody of the children but has so far been unsuccessful. He is currently taking me back to court again for another try. Should he win I will be required to pay him maintenance.

As it is 50/50 currently there is no maintenance due by either party. He refuses to pay costs for any extra-curricular activities so I end up picking up the bill for those.

He won't share clothes or school uniforms, anything like that. We are still privately renting seven years on. One bathroom between us all is not fun!

So now we are at a point where nearly all of the money I had saved has gone on legal fees fighting for the best interests of the children. We are not in a position now to get a mortgage.

Ex earns in excess of £115k pa, I earn around £15k pa. I have a partner who earns a small amount more than me, also working ft. He lives with a partner who does not work.

AIBU to think this is financial control/abuse?

It happened within our marriage very frequently but it hasn't ended up on divorce.

Anyway, I'm out.

Thank fuck for that.

[quote Oldat40]@CC2021 Google Parental Alienation.[/quote]
I'm well aware of parental alienation I just think you're clutching at straws here and playing the victim. It doesn't sound like PA is what's happening here and it appears the court (who have a fuller picture than we do) don't agree it's PA either.

Not sure why you posted this in AIBU if you're so adamant that you're not

Dad: "That's shit." he is pathetic and spiteful to say that to an excited DC.

I would be accused of lying or exaggerating and immediately disbelieved, but anyone who posts a very negative story full of abuse/neglect/control it must be 100% true and accurate and can't possibly be doubted?
Exactly that. In threads about exes battling for custody, the courts are always accused of being totally biased, making totally outrageous decisions, based solely on the charm of the abuser and totally ignoring evidence. Social workers get it wrong, cafcass get it wrong, the judge gets it wrong.

In this instance, it's not unreasonable to actually question the full validity of what is
claimed.

Indeed, a mum lost custody of her children from her rich husband at my kids school and would open tell everyone that he had abused her was manipulating the kids etc...until one day, she was arrested drink driving dropping her kids to school and it turned out she was an alcoholic and that was the reason she has lost custody. She'd never mentioned any issues with alcohol although some had guessed from her behaviour.

OP might indeed be persecuted, used, unheard by professionals and might indeed be the victim of the system and a powerful ex, but none of us can be totally sure, hence unable to really help.

As for the taking ones purse and locking out of the house, that's exactly what my dad did with his wife when she was battling with her addiction to alcohol. He took her cash and card so she didn't go down the pub when she claimed to go visit her mum and refused to let her in when she came back home screaming shouting kicking and too drunk to open the door with her key.

Again, not saying that's what OP did, we have no idea, but it's one instance why it can be done for good reasons.

In the end, although not perfect, the judgement of the court is likely to be what represent to closest to the truth and indeed what is best for the kids.

If there is no evidence of wrong doing by OP, there is no reason for her to lose her 50%.

@Emeraldshamrock I had to go up to my room and have a cry. It's the first time in ages he's been properly animated. My youngest doesn't even bother telling dad about the good times he's had here as he knows his dad will put it down/try to go "one better" or completely ignore it. It's heartbreaking.

If he has them more this behaviour will only get worse and eventually I'll barely see them if at all. I just want them to be happy at both homes.

My youngest doesn't even bother telling dad about the good times he's had here as he knows his dad will put it down/try to go "one better" or completely ignore it.

Well at least on that front, let him just wreck his relationship with his boys! The more he behaves like that the more they will want & choose to live with the parent who is loving and isn't playing mind games with them - you.

My youngest doesn't even bother telling dad about the good times he's had here as he knows his dad will put it down/try to go "one better" or completely ignore it. It's heartbreaking
Then surely that means that he will tell professionals that he doesn't want more time with his dad and go towards him not getting custody anyway.

On which basis is he saying for it?

@HmmSureJan

I’m guessing you’re not classifying yourself as ‘decent’ here then, since decent people don’t go around calling others cunts in an attempt to silence them into submission for having an alternative viewpoint.

I do yes. You didn't just have an alternative viewpoint, you were nasty to a distressed OP . I won't change my mind so you may as well stop trying to get me to retract or apologise for what I said. I don't care for the opinions of randoms on MN who got out of bed the wrong side and were mean to abused women. You should try not caring too instead of showing how stung you are by justified criticism. It's very liberating

Ha! Well, I guess you’re good for a laugh if absolutely nothing else!

I’m not trying to get you to do anything; I couldn’t give a fuck who you are or what you do. I’m just pointing out your blatant hypocrisy; you thinking you’re on some kind of imaginary moral high ground whilst throwing around the insults in attempt to shut people up. HTH 😁

@dontdisturbmenow Fear.

"Parental alienation is counter intuitive. When it comes to parental alienation, the voice of the child should be given NO weight as it is not really the child's voice but the voice of the alienating parent.. Children are manipulated by the alienating parent through coercive control, false scenarios, bribery, fear, guilt, shame, etc. to devalued and reject the fit loving parent and to favor the alienating unfit parent. It is not normal for children to reject one parent for the other parent unless they have been manipulated, coached, and brainwashed into a loyalty conflict. This is emotional and psychological child abuse and spousal/partner abuse.
Most courts, lawyers, member of the mental health community, etc. do not understand the dynamics of domestic abuse. They need mandatory continued education on these matters"

My exh refused me any photos too op.. He stashed them in his car... A few weeks later his car was destroyed by a garage fire when in for a service.. He lives alone now. Ravaged by the effects of diabetes. Couldn't have happened to a nicer man. As bad as your exes comment about the holiday, your ds will start to see the true him and be able to make his own choices.. My dc don't ever see their df. He destroyed their relationship. Nothing I did. They are heading for successful lives after knuckling down at school over here. Don't underestimate the bond you have op.

Yes, this sounds like post separation abuse.

I’m so sorry.

Flocon MNHQ have removed the insult in question so I think that gives you a sense of how that kind of thing is tolerated around here. I.e. not.

Ha! Well, I guess you’re good for a laugh if absolutely nothing else!

I’m not trying to get you to do anything; I couldn’t give a fuck who you are or what you do. I’m just pointing out your blatant hypocrisy; you thinking you’re on some kind of imaginary moral high ground whilst throwing around the insults in attempt to shut people up. HTH 😁

You don't care yet here you quoting and posting and quoting and posting, scrolling back to address posts written to other posters two hours ago. Yes you're super chilled and laughing away, you're not stung at all, not you

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Flocon MNHQ have removed the insult in question so I think that gives you a sense of how that kind of thing is tolerated around here. I.e. not.

Yeah but it was out there for quite a while

OP my advice to you is to forget about this thread and post again on relationships.

Total sympathy here with you. Surely he should be paying half for uniforms/school stuff? In time your life will get better and as the kids get older they will realise for themselves what a tosser their father is!

@HmmSureJan

Ha! Well, I guess you’re good for a laugh if absolutely nothing else!

I’m not trying to get you to do anything; I couldn’t give a fuck who you are or what you do. I’m just pointing out your blatant hypocrisy; you thinking you’re on some kind of imaginary moral high ground whilst throwing around the insults in attempt to shut people up. HTH 😁

You don't care yet here you quoting and posting and quoting and posting, scrolling back to address posts written to other posters two hours ago. Yes you're super chilled and laughing away, you're not stung at all, not you

Does it give you a nice little warm feeling inside to think I might be ‘stung’ by your insults? Sorry to disappoint. You’re quite clearly demonstrating what a ‘decent’ sort of person you are with every new post.

You have my sympathies, OP. My ex took me to court so often that I was able to get an order under section 91(14) of the Children's Act, which meant he had to get permission from a judge to take me to court again. Of course he took me to court to challenge that, but since then, blessed peace.

My dd is 13 and the big change is that she now sees through her father's manipulations and chooses not to see him. Whatever about spending your financial resources due to him, my main advice is not to waste your emotional energy on him. Focus on a relationship with your boys that is full of love and joy - not easy when he is going all out to deplete you. They may have their head turned by his wealth, but children do know where they are loved and cared for. Focus on that bond and don't let him distract you from it. You only have another few years till these battles become redundant. It won't be forever.

@SixesAndEights

OP my advice to you is to forget about this thread and post again on relationships.

Yes and legal. Sadly though sometimes it's only time that deals with this stuff. That's the awful thing about this kind of abuse. It took my child turning 18 to relieve the stress as I could block him then as we literally had nothing left to say to each other, no excuses.

@FloconDeNeige I'm not even reading your posts now. We won't agree, I stand by everything I said. On line rows get boring very quickly. Feel free to keep shrieking into the void.

@HmmSureJan

It was your shrieking that was deleted. Carry on not reading. You’ve shown your true colours.

@Freetigerking

Total sympathy here with you. Surely he should be paying half for uniforms/school stuff? In time your life will get better and as the kids get older they will realise for themselves what a tosser their father is!

He does. He provides for when the children are with him. The OP thinks, because he has more money, he should be sharing those things he buys when the kids are at her house too.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Leaving aside the court situation it isnt financial abuse for a better off spouse to want 50/50 of their children, thus paying no maintenance. He isnt required to top you up financially because he is better off, you are no longer married - how much he earns is not relevant to you. It's even less relevant that he has a partner not earning.

Lots of children don't do any extra curricular activities and maybe he doesnt think they are necessary. If you can't afford them on 15k dont do them. You say he won't share clothes or uniforms - does he buy them for the children for the time they are with him/to have at his house? If you mean you buy them all and he does not contribute whatsoever then that is of course very unreasonable.

It's not unusual for boys in their teens to be quite keen to live with dad, especially if dad has the big house & lots of money. But as a pp said the court will have professionals who are very good at identifying what they really want.

Totally disagree with this. If one parent earns £100K and the other £10K then the higher earner should absolutely be required to contribute to extra curricular activities. They are not that expensive for someone earning that much. Even expensive swimming lessons would only be about £80 a month for two children. He's obviously saying no to get back at the mother.

If the boys both have additional needs are there special procedures at the family court when it comes to custody applications? I would have thought that the court would need to be even more careful about how they make their decisions.

bibliomania

That's made my day. Good on you.