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Original poster

Am I expecting too much or is this the norm...

151 replies

Oldbutnew · 11/02/2021 22:25

I'm 45 and divorced with teens.
Been dating a guy also divorced with younger dc for 18 months.
We haven't met children or families yet. Lockdown has pretty much meant our relationship has just been the two of us hanging out in each other's homes when we are childfree.
I saw him a lot last year, every couple of days for 2 days at a time or a whole weekend but he's asked me for some space and that we see each other every 3 or 4 days instead for an evening together and over night stay.
I was gutted.
He says it's not me he just needs some time to himself after the kids have gone.
I want to believe that but he's also texting and messaging me in the gap between us seeing each other much less. Good morning texts are rarely sent by him first anymore and he takes a while to respond to mine. We used to chat on and off throughout the evening and dont do that now either.
Ive made my feelings quite clear, I love him but I'm worried I'm either being taken for granted or hes just not into me anymore.
I feel so sick and anxious all the time, I'm just living day to day till the next time I see him.
Is seeing each other this amount after 18 months ok ?
Should I try and back off ?
The other day we were cuddling and I told him he had become my best friend, he hugged me back and said what a lovely thing to say but didnt say it back...

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 11/02/2021 22:42

To be honest it is not looking good is it?
If someone else had posted this...what would your advice be? Tme to move on I rhink.

pallasathena · 11/02/2021 22:43

You're over invested OP. And coming over as terribly needy.
Back off.
Most men don't appreciate those of us who are giving, committed, available....in fact, the more you exhibit independent attitudes and display unavailability... well, what can I say?
Most women run around after men.
And the men find that (according to male family members) incredibly satisfying.

o8O8O8o · 11/02/2021 22:46

It sounds like he is de-escalating the relationship this may be a strategy to keep you under control or it may be that he's losing interest either way I would take a big step back

Jumpers268 · 11/02/2021 23:43

I think lockdown is affecting us all. The seeing each other less often seems fairly reasonable. I'm seeing DP a lot less than I could, but mainly because I'm fucked after a day of work and home schooling. However, the not saying the same about the "best friend" comment and also hardly ever messaging first would suggest he's backing off. That's not to say it's because he's not interested or taking you for granted, maybe just stressed, maybe it's just a lot?

I would call him up on it but I can be confrontational. My DP messages me every morning on his way to work, regardless of anything. I think it's given him paranoia as we had a time where I'd always message first, and I pulled him up on it. Never again 🙈😂. Or alternatively, back off a bit. I hope you're okay Flowers.

seensome · 12/02/2021 00:33

It could be that he wants some space and with lockdown it can become too much in each other's company, hard to say for sure though, is he initiating contact much? Making plans for after lockdown?
Backing off yourself will make it more clear if he tries to make an effort or not.

HeddaGarbled · 12/02/2021 00:37

Sorry but I think you’re right that he isn’t into you anymore. Definitely back off.

Onthemaintrunkline · 12/02/2021 00:43

You sound keener on him than he on you. Back off a bit, if he’s keen he’ll make the effort, back off....leave the ball in his court.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/02/2021 00:45

You definitely are over-invested and he is backing his way out the door. I'm sorry, op, but I would end it because that's where it's heading.

TheChip · 12/02/2021 00:47

Just to give him the benefit of the doubt here...

How long was he single before you got together?
It could be that he had started enjoying his own company. Especially when the kids were away, and now he finds it is all being taken up by you. Which isn't a bad thing, but I can understand him wanting to have some of his free time as alone time.

The backing off on texts is a bit fishy, but could also just be due to a level of comfort in the relationship.

Orrrrrr

There is something going on in his life that he hasn't shared with you and its causing him stress and time.

Dery · 12/02/2021 00:49

“You sound keener on him than he on you. Back off a bit, if he’s keen he’ll make the effort, back off....leave the ball in his court.”

This. Sorry, OP, because it hurts a lot when someone is more important to you than you are to them. As PP have said, you need to pull back a bit and start getting busy with other things. That may be a bit of a wake up call for him. But even if not and the relationship is coming to an end, you’ll feel better if you have some other interests to occupy you.

CandyLeBonBon · 12/02/2021 00:54

Fucking hell, ignore what @pallasathena said because they seem to have been caught in some kind of weird sexist time warp!

You have done nothing wrong, op. You're not 'needy'. It is not wrong to expect that after a year and a half of being emotionally involved with a committed partner, that you would have some form of communication if things weren't right.

Your partner of 18 months has, for whatever reason, chosen to distance himself.

You have no way of knowing why, and as he's not telling you, you can only work on your own reactions.

Why do women constantly think that they should minimise themselves in case they 'upset' their man because they're being 'needy'?

If he's had a change of heart, he needs to communicate that to you. If he's struggling with something, he needs to communicate that to you.

You're not needy. You have a perfect right to have your partner of 18 months be straight with you.

Why do women set their bar so low?

Original poster
Oldbutnew · 12/02/2021 00:58

@TheChip he has been divorced three years. We started seeing each other then a few months in the pandemic started so we kind of bubbled and I was basically with him every day his children weren't. So for over a year he's never had a day to himself.
Which I understand, but I can't get over the niggling feeling that if you love someone you want to be with them as much as possible.
He's still lovely when I'm with him, texts me every day, and texts good night every night.
Am I just being needy ?

OP posts:
TheChip · 12/02/2021 01:05

No I don't think you are being needy. It's a sudden change, so of course it's going to make you wonder.

If it is only this that has changed, and not his behaviour around you or towards you. Then I'd take his word for it, at least for the time being. He could be under stress that he hasn't told you about.

EmptyPringlesTube · 12/02/2021 03:17

I can't get over the niggling feeling that if you love someone you want to be with them as much as possible.

Not necessarily. You know all the other stuff you did before you started seeing someone - friends, hobbies, family, work? They still happen.

Tbh, I would find it very claustrophobic to spend as much time with someone as you spent with him. I have other things i want to do that I can't do if I'm spending all free time with one other person.

If I'm seeing someone, I want them to become part of my life not the whole thing!

We started seeing each other then a few months in the pandemic started so we kind of bubbled and I was basically with him every day his children weren't. So for over a year he's never had a day to himself.

Tbh, that sounds horrific.

PaterPower · 12/02/2021 03:35

That sounds like a lot. I love my DP and we live together but, tbh, thank God for work giving us some time apart during the week.

Because I don’t think anyone could spend 24/7 with another adult with no space at all. It’s why a lot of couples find retirement together so difficult.

You and some of the other PPs might be right and he’s losing interest. But I think he could genuinely need more “me time” and I think your relationship is more likely to survive by letting him have it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/02/2021 03:42

You are pushing forward and he is pulling back. Chicken and egg.

FWIW I'd be a bit weirded out if someone told me I was their best friend after 18 months dating. I have a best friend.

And I need headspace. I love when DH takes DD out somewhere, even though they are the two people I love most in the world.

I think you need to find some lone activities and enjoy them. He might move forward, he might not. Either way you'll be better with your own things.

CandyLeBonBon · 12/02/2021 07:42

*So for over a year he's never had a day to himself.

Tbh, that sounds horrific.*

To be fair, I'm in that position and it is bloody hard.

CodenameVillanelle · 12/02/2021 07:49

[quote Oldbutnew]@TheChip he has been divorced three years. We started seeing each other then a few months in the pandemic started so we kind of bubbled and I was basically with him every day his children weren't. So for over a year he's never had a day to himself.
Which I understand, but I can't get over the niggling feeling that if you love someone you want to be with them as much as possible.
He's still lovely when I'm with him, texts me every day, and texts good night every night.
Am I just being needy ?[/quote]
Nope
I have been with my BF for 2.5 years and we still only spend 2-3 nights a week together. Whole days only when both our kids are away and we don't have to work so at the moment not a lot!
It's totally normal to want time to yourself as an adult with kids and a job. Everyone is different though and it might not appeal to you but that doesn't mean someone doesn't love you if they need time to theirselves.

Pluas · 12/02/2021 07:52

@CandyLeBonBon

*So for over a year he's never had a day to himself.

Tbh, that sounds horrific.*

To be fair, I'm in that position and it is bloody hard.

Yes, I couldn’t be doing with that at all.
LittleBirdBlu · 12/02/2021 08:10

I think you are being a little needy to be honest, I don't think there is anything wrong with him asking for time to himself. Not having a single day to himself in over a year is massive! Quite claustrophobic and he's probably feeling smothered. Everyone needs 'me' time. I think you should go with what he's suggested and the days you are not together you should do stuff just for you too. Not seeing each other all the time will strengthen your relationship, as you will both see what it's like to miss each other, and then the times you are together will be more special.

EmptyPringlesTube · 12/02/2021 08:11

Tbh, OP. If someone had those expectations of me (to spend all free time together), I'd have already ended it by now because we just wouldnt be compatible.

I'd also wonder why the other person had so little going on in their own life that they had that amount of time to spend free.

Don't you have other friends or work or hobbies that you want to pursue.

What happened to all the things you did before you started seeing him? Don't you miss them?

MorbidPodcastFan · 12/02/2021 08:15

Im on your DPs side here, give the man some space.

If you believe he needs to be on beat texting you every 5 mins and with you every single day he can you are indeed too needy.

Try and enjoy an evening of alone time with a nice long bath and a call to friends or family. Watch programs he doesnt like and relax in your ugly but comfy pjs.

Its not mentally healthy to be so very reliant on a boyfriend, they come and go, being happy in your own company alone with carry you contently through life. Its also massively more attractive than super needy.

MorbidPodcastFan · 12/02/2021 08:17

*will not with. HmmGrin

CrimsonFlags · 12/02/2021 08:17

@pallasathena How depressing. Puts me off dating for the unforeseeable future. Being a loving, attentive partner/prospective partner is a turn off? Really?

So we should alter our personalities, what comes naturally to us, to satisfy men... what a load of crap.

Mundaym678 · 12/02/2021 08:21

If he’s contacting you every day, still lovely to you, then I don’t think he’s not interested. It’s not unreasonable to want some time to himself, its one of the perks of not being married 🤣