Am I expecting too much or is this the norm...

[Oldbutnew]

I'm 45 and divorced with teens.
Been dating a guy also divorced with younger dc for 18 months.
We haven't met children or families yet. Lockdown has pretty much meant our relationship has just been the two of us hanging out in each other's homes when we are childfree.
I saw him a lot last year, every couple of days for 2 days at a time or a whole weekend but he's asked me for some space and that we see each other every 3 or 4 days instead for an evening together and over night stay.
I was gutted.
He says it's not me he just needs some time to himself after the kids have gone.
I want to believe that but he's also texting and messaging me in the gap between us seeing each other much less. Good morning texts are rarely sent by him first anymore and he takes a while to respond to mine. We used to chat on and off throughout the evening and dont do that now either.
Ive made my feelings quite clear, I love him but I'm worried I'm either being taken for granted or hes just not into me anymore.
I feel so sick and anxious all the time, I'm just living day to day till the next time I see him.
Is seeing each other this amount after 18 months ok ?
Should I try and back off ?
The other day we were cuddling and I told him he had become my best friend, he hugged me back and said what a lovely thing to say but didnt say it back...

I think the thing I struggle the most with, is being paranoid he's talking to someone else or interested in someone else. I can't get the paranoid thoughts out of my head. When I see him online, and it's not talking to me brain instantly insists he's talking to other women.
He does have a childhood female friend he texts a fair bit but she's married and I have no idea of the content of these messages as obviously I haven't asked....
I just think my marriage has messed with my head and I've lost the ability to relax .....

@Oldbutnew

I think the thing I struggle the most with, is being paranoid he's talking to someone else or interested in someone else. I can't get the paranoid thoughts out of my head. When I see him online, and it's not talking to me brain instantly insists he's talking to other women. He does have a childhood female friend he texts a fair bit but she's married and I have no idea of the content of these messages as obviously I haven't asked.... I just think my marriage has messed with my head and I've lost the ability to relax .....

With respect and as kindly as possible, the paranoia is your issue, not his. He shouldn't have to give up his small amount of decompression time to 'defend' himself against your paranoid overthinking.

Maybe some therapy would help you OP.

Oh it is, it absolutely is my issue.
I need to fix myself, but no clue how.
Doesn't help I'm working from home, can't see any family or friends etc.
I need to just put my phone down and......stop.......and breathe

@Oldbutnew

I think the thing I struggle the most with, is being paranoid he's talking to someone else or interested in someone else. I can't get the paranoid thoughts out of my head. When I see him online, and it's not talking to me brain instantly insists he's talking to other women. He does have a childhood female friend he texts a fair bit but she's married and I have no idea of the content of these messages as obviously I haven't asked.... I just think my marriage has messed with my head and I've lost the ability to relax .....

I think you need to deal with your own paranoia and possessiveness, OP. It may well be that your marriage has caused lasting damage to your thought processes, but you need to sort that out yourself via therapy or the like or you'll wreck not only this relationship but any future ones. In your boyfriend's shoes, I would find it incredible that someone was monitoring my presence online if I wasn't actually talking to them, and that a boyfriend would have liked to know the content of my texts to a childhood friend! I also wouldn't want anyone telling me they were my best friend -- I would be worried about someone who'd been in my life a mere year and a half who didn't have other people they were closer to, plus it's a lot of responsibility.

Have you considered ending things and working on yourself before dating again? It just sounds as if this relationship isn't bringing you any particular happiness, not through anything he's doing wrong, but because you seem to want far more than he's giving.

I don't think there is right or wrong here, if you have tried being together and have different needs then fair enough. I think if you are mostly anxious and not happy then I would probably end it. I get both sides, I think when you don't live together you do need time apart from everything else as an other poster said when you live together you can just go out or go in another room and do separate things but I suppose there is a feeling of entertaining someone when visiting when living apart but I also think you can get a gut feeling about these things, and if you are mainly anxious and sad then what are you getting from the relationship that enriches your life?

I'm hopi g this doesn't come across as rude but if I was your partner I would find it abit draining and suffocating to be honest.

Everyone needs a break for time to themselves.

I've been homeschooling and working from home and when dh gets in the door it's lovely but when he goes upto bed early due to early starts I settle myself down in front of the tv for some peace and quiet.

I can get your last relationship has made you paranoid but try not to carry that into this one.

If he feels you don't trust him your probably without realising it getting more and more needy which after having small children on your own and their neediness is the last thing he wants.

He probably wants to look forward to seeing you and wants to miss you. If your together every time he doesn't have the dc and he isn't getting downtime he won't be feeling like that.

I'd back off gently. Send the odd text that's not questioning so he doesn't have to reply instantly or your not sat glaring at your phone for a response.

Take the pressure off op

Don't people think it's a bit unfair to keep labelling someone 'needy' we all have different needs, why is her need wrong, could just mean they are not right for each other. I think people do react to changes like this when they pick up on something. I agree with the points about being apart to decompress but it's not wrong to want something different.

@Oldbutnew

I think the thing I struggle the most with, is being paranoid he's talking to someone else or interested in someone else. I can't get the paranoid thoughts out of my head. When I see him online, and it's not talking to me brain instantly insists he's talking to other women. He does have a childhood female friend he texts a fair bit but she's married and I have no idea of the content of these messages as obviously I haven't asked.... I just think my marriage has messed with my head and I've lost the ability to relax .....

So, let's say he was seeing someone else. What would that mean? You don't live with him, you don't have children with him, you've only known him 18 months. If you found out he was sleeping with six other women, you could just dump him within minutes.

Disappointing, yes, but you've found one guy you like at the grand old age of 45. You'd find another. The new guy might actually be better.

Stop wondering if he's going to dump you and start wondering whether you should dump him. He doesn't really offer what you want.

I wish people specifically men could be a lot more open and honest about their feelings. I've been out with so many wooden men I no longer trust any of them, they seem to want to avoid confrontation completely.

However, I would be completely distraught about this, I need a lot of time to myself, I cannot abide a partner being clingy and need my own space a lot. I get stressed if someone constantly wants to be next to me hanging on.

My last husband was constantly hanging onto my hand/arm and wanting to be kissed and so on and it really did my head in. We divorced in the end as he saw it as me being unloving. I did love him but on my own terms.

Would not be distraught that should say!!!

But is op actually wanting 24/7 together?

I can't get over the niggling feeling that if you love someone you want to be with them as much as possible.

Heck no, even the most loving couples need space apart and time to themselves! It sounds as though you need to develop interests other than being his girlfriend. Don't be too despairing though – if he wanted to dump you, he'd have done it now, in lockdown, where it's much easier to move on when you have an excuse not to see someone. So give him the space he's asked for and look for other ways to fill your time.

I would want some space too, if I were him. Really sorry.

OP,

Your projection, anxiety and utter focus on him has every chance of scaring him off.

Him wanting time to decompress after minding his children is both healthy and very understandable.

It is highly unlikely your relationship is going to move forward in the short term.

He has his children several days and sees you when they are not with him.

Blending families is a very challenging thing and not something to rush into.

It sounds as if he is putting boundaries in place for him.

I think you should focus on getting some counselling to help you work through your issues.

You being healthy in yourself is fundamental to having a healthy relationship.

@Megansocks

But is op actually wanting 24/7 together?

She wants 100% of his spare time. That's not reasonable.

@EmptyPringlesTube

I can't get over the niggling feeling that if you love someone you want to be with them as much as possible.

Not necessarily. You know all the other stuff you did before you started seeing someone - friends, hobbies, family, work? They still happen.

Tbh, I would find it very claustrophobic to spend as much time with someone as you spent with him. I have other things i want to do that I can't do if I'm spending all free time with one other person.

If I'm seeing someone, I want them to become part of my life not the whole thing!

We started seeing each other then a few months in the pandemic started so we kind of bubbled and I was basically with him every day his children weren't. So for over a year he's never had a day to himself.

Tbh, that sounds horrific.

Maybe he's does want some space.

I do a lot.

What happened to all the things you did before you started seeing him? Don't you miss them?

Errrr - Global pandemic

AS I said above OP, sadly there is a possibility he is talking to others, in which case as I said better to give him the space and see how it goes— I think giving the space he wants will bring things to a head one way or the other— and have a think yourself whether longterm you might be better with someone who also feels you should want a partner around all the time — we are all different — doesn’t mean he’s not lovely, not a great guy but somewhere along the line you aren’t singing from the same hymn sheet in terms of needs

If a woman was posting saying she wants space and her boyf wasnt letting her, let people would say dump him.

He could be backing off, he could just be wanting space. Lockdown is not a usual time and hard to compare it to what he would normally be like.

I think you need to keep busy and relax a bit. I am madly in love with my OH. We have only been together around 2 years. We don't live together as both have teenagers and will wait til they finish exams in a few years. We see each other every weekend and occasionally a midweek evening for a walk/dinner/cinema trip depending on what's happening with work and kids. We talk every day on phone and text regularly but we don't live in each other's pockets 24/7.
We both like to have our own space. Under normal times I travel for work, see friends, he has DIY projects, gym, cycling etc. I think it is healthy to have space to yourself.
I think you need to let him have his space. It may actually let you have better quality time together.

What happened to all the things you did before you started seeing him? Don't you miss them?

Errrr - Global pandemic

Errrr, snarky comment...

The only thing I can't do that I used to do is go out socially or to the gym. I can still keep in touch with my friends, I still read books, I still go out for walks, I still play my instruments and learn new music, I still work, I still have my children...

Besides, they've been together for 18 months. Last I looked, we haven't been in lockdown for the past year and a half!

I just assume other people have things going on in their lives too.

@Silenceisgolden20

If a woman was posting saying she wants space and her boyf wasnt letting her, let people would say dump him.

He could be backing off, he could just be wanting space. Lockdown is not a usual time and hard to compare it to what he would normally be like.

They would same to a woman who was harassing her boyfriend too.

However - OP isn’t doing that

"I'm just so anxious and paranoid".....OP I think you may need to get some help with this. Spending every waking moment with someone does not equal love. To me that equals co dependency bordering on slight obsession. Your boyfriend has picked up on this and is taking time out as being with someone who wants you to themselves on your downtime can be over bearing and stifling. He is putting a boundary in for himself for his mental well being. This shows he is a balanced person and understands what he needs right now. Why dont you build deeper friendships with the people you see or speak to outside your relationship. Get back to hobbies if you can right now. Dont be so available and live your life not so attached to this man. Ultimately you need to address your paranoia around this relationship to be able to successfully manage any intimate relationship.

I have been in a similar situation recently. I ended it after much will he-won't he, me getting emotional, declaring all sorts etc.
Now reading your OP I thought 'fuck, I must have been really annoying' and put myself in his shoes. If someone did what I did (and you are) to me I'd run a mile.
That's not to say you're at fault or he is really. We're in a pandemic, we need different things and we all experience things very differently! Some relationships are not strong enough to endure it. Mine wasn't, that's for sure but I hope yours is OP!
I cried at work today, in a video call with my colleagues! What a dreadful time we are having to endure. Please be good to yourself