Am I expecting too much or is this the norm...

[Oldbutnew]

I'm 45 and divorced with teens.
Been dating a guy also divorced with younger dc for 18 months.
We haven't met children or families yet. Lockdown has pretty much meant our relationship has just been the two of us hanging out in each other's homes when we are childfree.
I saw him a lot last year, every couple of days for 2 days at a time or a whole weekend but he's asked me for some space and that we see each other every 3 or 4 days instead for an evening together and over night stay.
I was gutted.
He says it's not me he just needs some time to himself after the kids have gone.
I want to believe that but he's also texting and messaging me in the gap between us seeing each other much less. Good morning texts are rarely sent by him first anymore and he takes a while to respond to mine. We used to chat on and off throughout the evening and dont do that now either.
Ive made my feelings quite clear, I love him but I'm worried I'm either being taken for granted or hes just not into me anymore.
I feel so sick and anxious all the time, I'm just living day to day till the next time I see him.
Is seeing each other this amount after 18 months ok ?
Should I try and back off ?
The other day we were cuddling and I told him he had become my best friend, he hugged me back and said what a lovely thing to say but didnt say it back...

@jessiemilkshake but he may see it as harassing

I don't think I'm harrassing him. I dont text him all day, every day. I do respond to his texts and I do send a morning text if he hasnt . We text good morning then often nothing all day, then a few late night , then goodnight. He never phones me, he says he hates the phone. I called him last week without texting first and he did admit he thought I was checking up on him, but I just missed him ..

When he asked for more space and for a few evenings on his own, I told him I understand and thats whats been happening.
I don't voice my paranoia or my neediness to him, it stays with me like a wretched ball in the pit of my stomach on the days I dont see him.
When I'm with him I try really hard to be breezy and relaxed, but I'm actually anxious and sad.
I can't help taking him not wanting to see me as a personal rejection.

I don't voice my paranoia or my neediness to him, it stays with me like a wretched ball in the pit of my stomach on the days I dont see him. When I'm with him I try really hard to be breezy and relaxed, but I'm actually anxious and sad.

OP you aren't happy when you're together or when you're apart. This relationship isn't working.

So you aren't happy together are apart.
You really need to talk to someone because you are taking all of this as a really personal rejection.

Wanting not to be with someone all the time is very normal.

Please get help before this is completely spoiled.
Even if this relationship doesn't work out, you need to deal with these issues of rejection thatvyou are feeling.

Oh Op, it must be hard if someone says they don't like the phone......

And saying you're breezy when you're not.....
Tell him how you feel. If he decides that's not for him at least you'll know...

You might not be hiding how you're truly feeling as well as you think you are. Some people are very sensitive and can detect when someone is "off"
So you saying you're acting breezy and relaxed might be an obvious act to him. Which would be off putting to the other person wondering what's really going on.

I don't really know how to get help tbh ?
I don't know how to change my mindset..

@Oldbutnew

I don't really know how to get help tbh ? I don't know how to change my mindset..

I think as the relationship is making you feel unhappy and anxious both when together and when separate, it makes sense to seriously consider whether you should continue relationship or not.

Therapy would be hugely beneficial to get to the root of why your insecurity has become so strong and why you feel unable to voice authentic concerns that are bothering you, instead choosing to hold them in and pretend you're not worried.

I think you are getting some really bad advice here, OP.

You know he is backing off. People don't make a big deal about a phonecall without a text first unless there's something odd going on IMO .If other people are ok with that, all well and good, but we aren't a match, It would not work for me, so I'd be out.

Also, at some point, you will want to move in together presumably. How would he cope with that? Apparently, he wouldn't. So you are looking at a future where you always live separately. That would suit me. I doubt it would suit you. You are not a match.

This relationship has you feeling needy. Healthy relationships don't do that, and your perfectly normal expectations of a relationship have people here branding you 'needy'. I would brand him 'avoidant'. I'm avoidant myself, and being avoidant doesn't make someone a bad person - but stringing along someone who wants an emotionally intimate relationship does. Making them feel 'needy' for wanting more intimacy does.

This is not all on you. But the outcome is the same. I think you will not be happy in this relationship.

Ironically, when you pull away by ending it, as I think you should, he will come running. By pulling away, you become 'safe' for an avoidant.

It will, of course, be tempting to play this game to try to hook him. But life isn't a game, don't waste it playing one.

I think your best course of action is to find someone more suitable, who makes you feel secure, not anxious. Thty's what relationships should be about - feeling happy, not upset.

Yeah the best advice is to talk to him

@ChristmasFluff

I think you are getting some really bad advice here, OP.

You know he is backing off. People don't make a big deal about a phonecall without a text first unless there's something odd going on IMO .If other people are ok with that, all well and good, but we aren't a match, It would not work for me, so I'd be out.

Also, at some point, you will want to move in together presumably. How would he cope with that? Apparently, he wouldn't. So you are looking at a future where you always live separately. That would suit me. I doubt it would suit you. You are not a match.

This relationship has you feeling needy. Healthy relationships don't do that, and your perfectly normal expectations of a relationship have people here branding you 'needy'. I would brand him 'avoidant'. I'm avoidant myself, and being avoidant doesn't make someone a bad person - but stringing along someone who wants an emotionally intimate relationship does. Making them feel 'needy' for wanting more intimacy does.

This is not all on you. But the outcome is the same. I think you will not be happy in this relationship.

Ironically, when you pull away by ending it, as I think you should, he will come running. By pulling away, you become 'safe' for an avoidant.

It will, of course, be tempting to play this game to try to hook him. But life isn't a game, don't waste it playing one.

I think your best course of action is to find someone more suitable, who makes you feel secure, not anxious. Thty's what relationships should be about - feeling happy, not upset.

Yes to all of this 🙌🙌🙌

@ChristmasFluff Your post makes perfect sense. I'd hasten a guess that the OP'S bf has toxic tendencies, making her appear needy when she's not even asking more than the bare minimum. Consistency and consistent communication is not a lot to ask for. It doesn't sound at all like the OP is harassing her bf either.

And OP, have you changed any details in your OP? This sounds very much like my ex. He's been with his new gf for around 3 months though. He was highly toxic... I've now come to the realisation that he is most likely a covert narcissist. A creep, essentially.

This is all speculation until you talk to him
Wanting space is not toxic behaviour. A lot of replies are projecting and other people experiences.
If he wants space because he's not into you, ask him. Ask him what's going on.

@Silenceisgolden20 I disagree. The OP's bf might have explicitly stated he wants space... to me this sounds suspicious, for more than one reason.

IME this is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

In your opinion

Suspicious? Then OP talks to him.
It is not toxic behaviour. It maybe other things, backing off, not wanting to communicate feelings but not toxic. We don't know.
That's why the OP needs to find out

One of my friends recently broke up with her boyfriend for this reason. He wanted to see her whenever she was free, all the time. She said she couldn't miss him when he was never not there - it was stifling for her. He disagreed, they broke up. She isn't toxic because she didn't want to spend every moment with him.

I love dh dearly but this lockdown has been very tough because he now works from home as do I and he no longer travels for work - we have never had this much togetherness before.

OP, the relationship should be making you happy. If you have different relationship styles it won't. no fault on either of you just you want different things.

I haven't changed any details.

I have asked him. He has specifically said the reason for space is for him to have time to himself after kids.
He did say that also his head was all over the place and that he wanted to be sure of his feelings for me. That was about a month ago. We talked again earlier this week as I communicated how anxious I've been feeling since then and he told me he lived me, and felt better about things etc.
But we are still seeing each other a reduced amount of time from before.
Plus hours go by without messaging which i really struggle with.
I don't know if its needy or not but if I dont see him for 3 or 4days at a time I do like messages letting me know he's thinking of me or as a link to his life.
Otherwise I don't feel like we are bf and if more like 2 people that get together every 3 or 4 days.
I'm not IN his life and I've made that clear I want that and he's said he wants that too. He says lockdown has made it hard etc.
As for the living together thing hes told me that he "cant imagine marriage or living together again at the moment but who knows how he'll feel in 10 years".....

Then it's not for your Op.
He's slowing it down. He's trying to make sense of stuff going on for him, prob pastnissues catching up with him and nothing to do with you.
The best thing you can do is say ok take some space and then get busy with your own life (hard in lockdown)
Don't make him your priority.
He has said he's all over the place. Believe him and back off.
This isn't for you.

I'll be gutted if thats true. I honestly am not sure If i can go through another break up after my marriage.
This is too hard

take some time for yourself.
That's ok. Step back a bit

You are really struggling with this relationship OP. It must be so hard for you and you must not get a break in your thoughts about this hence the anxiety. He has said a couple of things that you need to believe, one is he does not see you living together or married right now but maybe in 10 years? This is a relationship not for you. Can you imagine 10 years of this anxiety of "will he/wont he marry me?" and secondly he said his head was all over the place about the relationship. Again, this will cause you more anxiety. He is not stepping up but stepping back. You are not happy. You are scared for another break up but surely being away from this relationship will eventually give you peace and certainty...you do not have this at all and it looks like you wont find it with him any given time now.

After your last post no wonder you are anxious, are you going 3 or 4 days with no or minimal contact? This is my situation and it’s hers to keep the connection going I feel.

*hard not hers

There isn't a norm, OP. You're looking for some external set of rules to guide you as to whether it's right to feel the way you do.

It is ALWAYS right to feel the way you do, however you feel. Your feelings aren't things that need to obey rules. They are the rulebook you're looking for.

Stop analysing whether your feelings are right or wrong. There is no such thing as needy. You are the right amount of needy for you. That's how needy you are. More than some people, and less than other people. Allow your feelings to dictate the way. You are feeling neglected, sidelined, sick, anxious and preoccupied with these negative feelings, and yet all of your thinking is about how best to accommodate what he needs.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR NEEDS? He is not meeting them. You are not feeling emotionally close enough with him to talk to him about the fact that he's not meeting them. You are considering changing your own behaviour and putting yourself in the wrong because he is not meeting your needs.

Don't try to alter feelings to fit in with with how people want their relationship with you to be. Choose your people to fit in with making sure your needs are met. Choose people you feel great with, people who make you feel the best you can be, people who boost your confidence and make you laugh and cherish your feelings, even the tough ones.

Change your script. There's no such thing as normal. There's no rule book about what a relationship is meant to look like. You make the rules; it's your life. You are in charge of looking after your feelings, so get into the driver's seat and take responsibility. Tell him he's not meeting your needs. If he steps up, great. If he doesn't, walk, and find somebody who is interested in giving you what you need to be happy and fulfilled, and feel emotionally safe.