Am I expecting too much or is this the norm...

[Oldbutnew]

I'm 45 and divorced with teens.
Been dating a guy also divorced with younger dc for 18 months.
We haven't met children or families yet. Lockdown has pretty much meant our relationship has just been the two of us hanging out in each other's homes when we are childfree.
I saw him a lot last year, every couple of days for 2 days at a time or a whole weekend but he's asked me for some space and that we see each other every 3 or 4 days instead for an evening together and over night stay.
I was gutted.
He says it's not me he just needs some time to himself after the kids have gone.
I want to believe that but he's also texting and messaging me in the gap between us seeing each other much less. Good morning texts are rarely sent by him first anymore and he takes a while to respond to mine. We used to chat on and off throughout the evening and dont do that now either.
Ive made my feelings quite clear, I love him but I'm worried I'm either being taken for granted or hes just not into me anymore.
I feel so sick and anxious all the time, I'm just living day to day till the next time I see him.
Is seeing each other this amount after 18 months ok ?
Should I try and back off ?
The other day we were cuddling and I told him he had become my best friend, he hugged me back and said what a lovely thing to say but didnt say it back...

Stop thinking about him and what he wants and take back the initiative / your own agency and power. This is a great opportunity for you to take some time for yourself....step back from this relationship which seems to have become quite intense quite quickly, and take a leaf out of his book - take some time for yourself and enjoy all the selfishness and indulgence of concentrating on yourself and what makes you happy. You have to learn to be alone and fabulous in your aloneness, or no relationship and no measure of love will ever be enough. Sorry, that's very hippyish but I think also very true. ... I would take this as a gift and take the extra space and run with it. This is also a good time for YOU to assess,....is he really what YOU want? Have you had time to read, go out out, walk, try something new that YOU like? You may find he is doing you a massive favour. It does sound to me like its fading, but if it is, wouldn't it be absolutely better to do it on good terms and with dignity and knowing your own value ?

An evening and an overnight made me think that he just wants sex.

But also, I'm really grumpy at the moment and cannot be bothered to speak to anyone, or be in anyone's company.

@Oldbutnew, he probably just wants a bit a breathing space to himself, especially if his divorce was an unhappy time.
Just try and relax a bit and make yourself a little bit less available to him and go easy on yourself please

It's entirely possible that he likes you AND he also wants a bit of personal space which is it unreasonable. But at this stage of life I'd just come through the front door and have an open conversation about it rather than eating yourself up with worry. And yes, it is a good -an essential- thing to have other interests and relationships which nourish you- it's not healthy to expect one person to do that. Just talk to him and find a way. Bloody lockdown doesn't help either- it's amazing any of us can keep relationships going right now! Good luck OP

if you love someone you want to be with them as much as possible

You do sound very needy, sorry. Do you not ever enjoy time by yourself? It's perfectly healthy to need some time alone to decompress.

If the poor bloke hasn't had a 'day to himself' in over a year I"m not surprised he's asked you to back off a bit! You're going to strangle this relationship if you don't give him a bit of space.

OP it doesn’t matter what how other people act in their relationships or what other men say. Men are not one homogeneous group and neither are women.

You’ve felt a change in the dynamics of your relationship and what was considered normal and you’ve picked up on it.

In the past when I felt the change in the dynamics it was because they were losing interest in some capacity. Don’t text him in the morning and see how long it takes to get in contact.

Thank you for all the comments.
I have spoken to him about it, as I was upset when he asked us to see each other less.
He said he doesn't want us to split up he just wants some down time to decompress after the kids have gone, to be himself, to catch up with stuff etc. He usually spends it sleeping or working!
I know I need to do more things myself, but yes lock down has made it hard.
I guess also I need to get out of the over analysis of every text or gap between communication because even I can see that's unattractive. He has never given me cause to think he's doing anything like cheating but I'm just so anxious and paranoid.
Thats me not him though
I suppose I just think, at our age is this it ? Just seeing each other a few times a week ? I guess while he has young kids its put up with it or decide not to..

I'm glad you've cleared the air. He sounds genuine. Give him the space and then when you are together he's not worrying about life admin etc as he's done it in his own time. Perhaps he feels that he never has any me time and needs it, especially with the pandemic.

I can’t say anything different from what others have but, at age 58 and happily remarried to someone I met on a dating site, please do not chase, cling etc. You saying you are “anxious and paranoid” is sadly a very unattractive trait early on in a relationship. Give him his space - we’re all different personalities etc and I would absolutely want some time on my own. Good luck and I hope it works out.

Young kids can be exhausting, so he probably does need time to decompress. You must control your neediness. It's draining and off putting

My bf has an 11yo dd that he has 3-4 days a week, he sees me 2 days a week, so he has 1-2 days a week to himself.

If we lived together, he probably wouldn't need those days "off". He'd simply go in another room and veg out. Or he'd go and do the washing/cleaning/admin while I did something else.
But because we don't live together, we always see each other in the other person's flat. The "host" doesn't want to do admin or go off into another room as it would be rude to the "guest". The "guest" can't do the washing/admin as it's on the other side of town.
In this setup, you need days off.

If you found someone with older children, they'd be able to spend more time with you and still have days off.

I'd bet a lot of money that his wish for free time has got nothing to do with him not liking you as much as you like him. (Though of course that might also be the case.)

I just think, at our age is this it ? Just seeing each other a few times a week?
I love this setup, but if it doesn't suit you, then don't do it!

We've been doing it more than 4 years. In our 50s. I love the fact that after a few days, I really look forward to seeing him, and when we meet, we can tell each other alll the latest "news". Also, because of this host-guest situation, we actually do stuff together -- even if it is just sitting talking with a glass of wine.

People vary on how much time they can tolerate being with others. They may need time alone or with different people. In the first flush of love he may have been keen to be with you as much as possible, but now you've reached a different stage and it isn't necessarily a bad thing that he wants more time apart. He may well feel relaxed and sure of you. 1000s of messages aren't required. TBH it's impossible to tell as we don't know either of you.

Personally I like time apart from my DH, both alone or with other people. It's hard at the moment to see many friends but e.g. I go for walks with my brother by myself. DH knows him well and they get on, but I prefer the conversations my brother and I can have alone - and at the moment, other than at work, I'm not able to see many other people, so why waste a chance for being away from my DH?

I also think partners shouldn't be best friends. Yes, my DH knows me better than anyone, but I still count my best friend as the one I've known since we went to school together. I've never understood couples who do literally everything together. You need other people in your life.

If he's your best friend after 18 months, where does that leave you if you break up?

So we should alter our personalities, what comes naturally to us, to satisfy men... what a load of crap.

It's not about changing you personality to satisfy a man.

I'm a woman and I would find that level of contact oppressive and stifling.

I want to be with someone who has other stuff going on in their lives besides me not someone who is reliant in me to entertain them nor someone who feels the need to keep me around so they don't feel anxious and paranoid.

I was dating one man a few years ago who kicked up a right stink when I went to the pub to see a band on my own. All I wanted was to go to a strange pub, have a pint and listen to the band. Not talk to anyone. Nothing.

I like time to myself to decompress too. Just to have a quiet head. I like to have the opportunity to miss someone, not for them to he there, sitting on my sofa every time I turn round.

Tbh, I can't imagine how/why anyone would want to spend all their time with one other person. What about hobbies, interests, just sitting on your own and wandering around the house on your own in silence. A couple of times a week is more than enough for me.

I was sort of thinking he is not that into you originally, but I am wondering if you are very needy. I mean, a break is reasonable. If you're at his, are you together ALL the time? Before Dh and I moved in, he spent a LOT of time at my flat, but I still got downtime - I'd be reading, watching tv or whatever, If he'd wanted to be together the whole time - cuddling, talking, doing stuff etc - I've have gone crazy and would have had to implement the same things as your bf ie a few days where I'm just at home by myself.

I don't think it's weird that he wants downtime. And I do think it's odd that you think if you love someone you should want to be with them all the time. Are you always like this or is it an understandable side effect of 12 months of massive restrictions?

“I can't get over the niggling feeling that if you love someone you want to be with them as much as possible.”

“Not necessarily. You know all the other stuff you did before you started seeing someone - friends, hobbies, family, work? They still happen.”

Sums it up imo. I don’t agree that love means wanting to be with someone as much as possible. I have interests, relationships and self-care to nurture other than my marriage.

I read a quote that really resonated with me once.
“Love is not in gazing inwards at one one another, but in looking outwards together in the same direction.”

Sounds to me like he needs a bit of self-care time. I think that’s ok.

Although to add...if the arrangement doesn’t suit you, you are entitled to end it and search for someone who has the same approach to relationships as you.
There are men who want to be with their partners all the time too. I dumped one once...he was a lovely guy, attractive and kind...but he wanted something I’m not wired up to give. I was too independent for him and it hurt his feelings. It wasn’t to be.

I’m with @EmptyPringlesTube here on this— personally I don’t feel you have to spend all your time with someone to love them or be texting nonstop etc, I too would find it suffocating —but I guess we are all different. Lack of personal time/space on my own is one thing I don’t need like about marriage/living with someone if I’m very honest (and I’m
Married) I think OP you need to bring it to a head one way or the other, so best to back off and give him some ‘me’ time — he may be being honest and that is indeed what he needs, if you back off and the contact gets less and less and all is initiated by you then he wants out or has met someone else maybe and is just being a coward, so you will know the score quite quickly and can end it kindly .

Lockdown has taken a huge toll on people's mental health and I think he's completely within his right to want some time to himself to decompress without you or his children around. I haven't had a moment to myself for almost a year now - it's exhausting. Perhaps he's feeling a bit overwhelmed and needs some space. You sound quite needy tbh.

@Bmidreams

An evening and an overnight made me think that he just wants sex.

Maybe he just wants a nice evening with his girlfriend that doesn't involve 24-48 hours together? Doesn't mean he has bad intentions

I got divorced nearly 4 years ago and v soon after met the most wonderful man who I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. We live about an hour away from each other, so he moved in during lockdown.
And I hate parts of it. Spending so much time with someone is awful for me- I’m naturally a solitary person - my ex h was out of the house for work a lot and we had an very emotionally distant relationship, but also one where I had to always be careful of him. I had a fucked up childhood and was taught to be emotionally responsible for those around me, so no matter how much I love him and know he doesn’t need me to do that for him its hard for me to stop feeling like making him happy is my responsibility (therapy is helping)

So he goes back to his place a couple of nights a fortnight, and gives me space. It was really difficult to ask for- I was so worried he would think I didn’t love him. I do. I just need time to be me, without him.

@CodenameVillanelle yeah, maybe.

I understand your DPs point of view. I wfh, I'm having to homeschool and my DCs dad only has them one day or one overnight a week. My DP has to understand that sometimes I need some time to myself to sit in blessed silence. It doesn't mean I love them any less. I just need to be on my own without anyone wanting or needing anything from me. I also have a house to keep as well, washing etc. If my DP is visiting then I feel I cannot do these things as I have a guest to entertain.

If you badger him to spend time with you or want him to text you constantly, you will drive him away as you look nedy. Give him some space.

I mean, I like to spend an evening and night with my BF and then go home the next day and vice versa. I like to eat a nice meal, have a nice chat, have some nice sex and cuddle in bed. Does that mean I 'just want sex' or is it only men who are viewed that way?