Am I expecting too much or is this the norm...

[Oldbutnew]

I'm 45 and divorced with teens.
Been dating a guy also divorced with younger dc for 18 months.
We haven't met children or families yet. Lockdown has pretty much meant our relationship has just been the two of us hanging out in each other's homes when we are childfree.
I saw him a lot last year, every couple of days for 2 days at a time or a whole weekend but he's asked me for some space and that we see each other every 3 or 4 days instead for an evening together and over night stay.
I was gutted.
He says it's not me he just needs some time to himself after the kids have gone.
I want to believe that but he's also texting and messaging me in the gap between us seeing each other much less. Good morning texts are rarely sent by him first anymore and he takes a while to respond to mine. We used to chat on and off throughout the evening and dont do that now either.
Ive made my feelings quite clear, I love him but I'm worried I'm either being taken for granted or hes just not into me anymore.
I feel so sick and anxious all the time, I'm just living day to day till the next time I see him.
Is seeing each other this amount after 18 months ok ?
Should I try and back off ?
The other day we were cuddling and I told him he had become my best friend, he hugged me back and said what a lovely thing to say but didnt say it back...

@Oldbutnew

I'll be gutted if thats true. I honestly am not sure If i can go through another break up after my marriage. This is too hard

Sounds like you weren't ready to start a new relationship in the first place?

As others have said, he's not offering you want you want. Why are you seeing this as him rejecting you? Would you really not reject him, considering the rubbish deal he's offering you?

@MaeveDidIt

I think he's being quite cruel. He's definitely backing off but he's keeping you dangling to suit his own needs. You sound worryingly anxious which you really wouldn't be if you were with the right person. You know this is wrong but your heart's got to catch up with your head.

I disagree. If he needs/wants more space, he's right to say so, and to enforce that boundary if he needs to. It's not cruel to be honest. The hallmark of a good relationship is feeling you can both speak freely about your emotions, even if they're difficult ones.

The problem is that although he feels he can, OP is feeling she has to contort herself to avoid doing the same thing.

Her healthy response would either be 'Cool, give us a shout when you fancy meeting' (and going and getting on with her own life) or 'I'm not happy with this, I need to know what's going on. If you can't tell me, I can't have a relationship with you.'

It's not that what he's doing is unhealthy, it's that it's unhealthy for OP.

I have spoke to him about it. I do understand his need for space, I think my anxiety comes from doubting whether his need is really because he wants to see me less because he's losing interest.
He says no.
But I can't shake it off.
Thats me not him.

Exactly.
The best thing you can do is listen and say ok take some space and get busy with other things.
If it really doesn't make you feel good to do this, it's not for you.

Op save a world of heartache later for some now and go separate ways. Easy got me to say I know but this guy will drop you when someone else comes along. Been there got the t shirt.

@Oldbutnew

I have spoke to him about it. I do understand his need for space, I think my anxiety comes from doubting whether his need is really because he wants to see me less because he's losing interest. He says no. But I can't shake it off. Thats me not him.

It's not you OP. He has told you he has to think about his feelings for you. And that he doesn't want to think about living with anyone for 10 years. He has also pulled away from you. Your gut is screaming to you there's a problem. Please listen to it.

In general terms wanting time alone isn't unreasonable. But there is more going on here. He isn't sure about his feelings for you. Or his future with you.

If you don’t want to end it now , reduce your contact with him, don’t be the first to message, try and wean yourself away from him and see how you feel then. He may show concern that you aren’t so available, he may not but you will at least know whether he really just wants a bit of time alone or whether he wants to distance himself from you.

I'm sorry to say he is trying to let you down gently.

Use this time to focus on yourself and perhaps end it first before he does?

Ooh I find I need time out to catch my breath and we live together. Find myself increasingly 'empty' if I don't have time to 'fill up' with the things I enjoy by myself. Space does not mean lack of commitment.

Without sounding harsh, it sounds like you’ve had a nice companionship, if I’ve read it right, seems a bit minimal for a full blown relationship but that is just my opinion, relationships vary, they manifest in different ways and are ultimately what make the people in them happy.

You’ve both got children and I really respect the fact you’ve kept them separate, some people are too keen to introduce their children.

It could be that you’re more invested which happens to most people at some point or could it be that covid has moulded current dynamics? It’s a shot in the dark but how is he about covid and lockdown etc, could he be a bit down about things which is translating to you that he’s cooling off?

I would step back a bit, give him chance to make the effort and see how things go.

I wish those that post would read the OPs posts. He has told her he needs time to think about their relationship. And that he doesn't want to even consider living with someone for about 10 years.

Are you happy and relaxed about waiting ten years before living together?

If not then you need to break up. He's told you that's what he wants. If it isn't what you want too then you'd be foolish to stay together.

You'll either end up splitting anyway, or you'll spend the next decade trying to seek reassurance hes as into the relationship as you are. He isn't. That sounds harsh but he has been honest - he wants space, needs time to think stuff through and definitely doesn't want to move in any time soon probably not for a decade.

That's his truth. You need to respect his truth and also your own truth (that you want more, sooner) by acknowledging that you are incompatible.

I'm not sure I'm strong enough. I know that sounds weak but it seems so hard to give someone up that I love
What if I'm wrong, he isnt backing off, he might decide to move forward etc.
The truth is I'm scared I wont meet anyone else at my age....

I think you have lost yourself. While you are defining yourself only through being with others you won't be OK.

And what if you wait 10 years and he still isn't ready. And you are then 55. Don't settle for the first man that comes along when he clearly isn't making you happy.

@Oldbutnew

I'm not sure I'm strong enough. I know that sounds weak but it seems so hard to give someone up that I love What if I'm wrong, he isnt backing off, he might decide to move forward etc. The truth is I'm scared I wont meet anyone else at my age....

What if I'm wrong, he isnt backing off, he might decide to move forward etc.

Firstly, even if he isn't 'backing off' you need to acknowledge that he has explicitly told you he isn't even thinking about moving in together for years and years - ten years! You aren't ok with that are you? So you aren't on the same page at all when it comes to timescales - totally incompatible.

Secondly, if he decides he wants to move forward with you after all, he'll know where you are and he can get in touch so you can consider it. But the idea of you waiting around and staying in the relationship on the off chance he changes his mind over time when he's been very clear about his timescales is madness.

You're going to drive yourself mad and also force yourself to take on one of two roles if you stay in the relationship - either nagging him for reassurance constantly because you'll feel powerless, or pretending everything is ok because you think that'll show him how great you are and make him change his mind - with no evidence that will work. Both will erode your confidence and make the relationship toxic.

I met my partner 18 months ago, I am 56. Its never too late....you are still very young at 45.

Yes it’s scary but it’s less painful then investing years of waiting and wondering for 10 years. I was told this exact line ‘maybe in 5 years’ look if he’s not sure now in what should be the smooth lovey dovey but it doesn’t look great, and what came of the bit where he said he needs to think about his feelings? And what are you just going to wait until he decides? Don’t get into a dynamic like that you’ll have no self esteem in a short while. I know it hurts so much but it will more painful in the future if he deals with issues by creating distance and telling you ‘he needs to figure out his feelings’. You will be better now than further down the line and him dropping you when someone else comes along, that’s really heartbreaking to deal with. Don’t be like me.

Maybe you won’t, maybe you will. I’m sure there’s nothing terrible about you! You met this guy. That can become a self fulfilling prophecy if you say you won’t meet anyone else. Don’t stay with someone for that reason anyway otherwise you will put up with all sorts of crap.

OP he's telling you he needs space but the timing is very key here as to what's going on. If this were at the beginning of dating and you were both setting expectations and boundaries then I'd say, no problem, keep talking.

The fact he's mentioned it now tells me he's trying to slowly uncouple you, one step at a time because he hasn't got the balls to just be honest with you.

Could your neediness be causing this change in the relationship, maybe, but one thing is for sure, continuing to be so reliant on someone else for your own happiness is always a bad idea. You need to do a relationship 180 if you've got any chance to stop the decline (Google it). Carry on like a teenage girl (sorry!) wondering when he's going to call and the chances are he's going to (slowly) run for the hills.

You don't need another person to be happy. You are enough. Your partner should improve your life, not be your only focus.

Taking his foot off the pedal at this stage in the relationship and also saying he doesn't want to settle down for another 10 years does not bode well for you, unless of course that suits you too, but it clearly doesn't.
I think you should listen to your gut instincts.

@Oldbutnew

I'm not sure I'm strong enough. I know that sounds weak but it seems so hard to give someone up that I love What if I'm wrong, he isnt backing off, he might decide to move forward etc. The truth is I'm scared I wont meet anyone else at my age....

It doesn't matter if you don't. You need to be happy in yourself first, before having a relationship. otherwise you end up in a relationship where you feel crap, despite the fact that you're not even sure your partner has done anything wrong. All of this is coming from a lack of self respect.

If he's not meeting your needs, be single. Learn how to be happy from there. You can't feel much worse than you do now. Feeling rejected is AWFUL.

You sound like you have an anxious attachment style. The more he draws away, the more you need him. Try and read up on attachment styles in relationships. I'm similar to you and thought I was in a healthy relationship, well I believe it was, but the stupid virus and lockdown have made things really difficult for us. It was okay when we used to go out lots and have fun but now he just comes to mine, and we are probably both depressed. I have been feeling he doesn't want to be with me. I did tell him he wasn't meeting my needs and since then he's been making more of an effort. It's hard if you both have children. Maybe concentrate on yourself for a bit, and try and get some interests, it is just really hard at the moment though.

Not living together for 10 years (presumably til his DC are adults, off to uni etc) is actually pretty sensible, it's not easy to blend families and where there are children involved on both sides I think it's hard to force them all under one roof. You only have to look at one of the many threads on here about stepfamilies to see the issues; even just practically, ensuring a bedroom for every kid could mean a 5+ bed house which may be unaffordable.

There's nothing wrong per se with what this guy is doing or how he's behaving. None of it is conclusive evidence that he's not interested or looking for a way out and people presenting supposition like that as fact and insisting that's the reality of the situation are just fuelling OPs anxiety.

Maybe on threads like this if people were a little more accepting that you don't have to be dancing around bombarding someone with messages to still have feelings for them and be committed, it might not serve to create this fear that someone is backing off or whatever when actually they're quite happy in the relationship.

That aside, if this isn't what the OP wants, it's not the relationship for her. But I would say think about what YOU actually want, OP. It's all very well being told that a relationship should look like this or that...what do you actually want? ignoring the 'if he's committed to you, he'd be showing you by texting you every 5 mins brigade', and also ignoring any perceived societal expectations about how relationships and living together should look.

It's what I've done, we've never loved together in 7 years and actually I'm glad. At first I expected we would, but when I thought about it I realised it wasn't the right thing for my children or me. I know we will otn 2-3 years (so about your 10 year timescale, maybe a bit less or more) and that's fine.

@Eckhart

There isn't a norm, OP. You're looking for some external set of rules to guide you as to whether it's right to feel the way you do.

It is ALWAYS right to feel the way you do, however you feel. Your feelings aren't things that need to obey rules. They are the rulebook you're looking for.

Stop analysing whether your feelings are right or wrong. There is no such thing as needy. You are the right amount of needy for you. That's how needy you are. More than some people, and less than other people. Allow your feelings to dictate the way. You are feeling neglected, sidelined, sick, anxious and preoccupied with these negative feelings, and yet all of your thinking is about how best to accommodate what he needs.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR NEEDS? He is not meeting them. You are not feeling emotionally close enough with him to talk to him about the fact that he's not meeting them. You are considering changing your own behaviour and putting yourself in the wrong because he is not meeting your needs.

Don't try to alter feelings to fit in with with how people want their relationship with you to be. Choose your people to fit in with making sure your needs are met. Choose people you feel great with, people who make you feel the best you can be, people who boost your confidence and make you laugh and cherish your feelings, even the tough ones.

Change your script. There's no such thing as normal. There's no rule book about what a relationship is meant to look like. You make the rules; it's your life. You are in charge of looking after your feelings, so get into the driver's seat and take responsibility. Tell him he's not meeting your needs. If he steps up, great. If he doesn't, walk, and find somebody who is interested in giving you what you need to be happy and fulfilled, and feel emotionally safe.

This! I think you need to take a step back and ask yourself what you want in life: living with this constant anxiety sounds very unhealthy long term.