Bit of perspective please

[Slippersandacuppa]

I was wondering if you could please let me know if I’m being completely unreasonable and unfair.

I’ve just had the same argument with DH and it makes me feel like I am actually losing my grip on reality.

I have a zoom call commitment every other week for about 2 or 3 hours. I’ve committed to it and take it seriously. For some reason, this irritates the hell out of DH. Without fail, he will come in to whichever room I’m in and start trying to get my attention, either by doing something ridiculous or by talking. He knows I won’t talk to him because he knows it’s not important. This is the case with other things too. He always has to know who I’m on the phone with or texting or what I’m reading.

Anyway, I know it sounds trivial - I’m trying to be brief. Tonight really upset me. This call was something I am really passionate about. He came in, lay on the floor with the dog and started making really rude comments about the other people on the call, what they were talking about etc. I ignored him and he finally left. I’m so fed up of being happy about something and him just taking the wind out of my sails. I spoke to him after the call had finished and asked why he felt the need to do that. That was a can of worms I should have left alone.

He said I’ve brought the problem into the house so he is allowed to react to it. He finds the whole thing ridiculous and I know he’s always honest so what do I expect. I shouldn’t be so over sensitive. He can’t say anything without me over reacting and getting upset. He blames my childhood, where nothing was ever hard or criticised (his words).

I said that I couldn’t understand why someone would do something that they know would upset someone they love. Again. He said it’s not his fault if he reacts to a ridiculous situation and I should just laugh about it with him.

I can’t even explain. Sorry - I want to shout but we’re getting nowhere :(

Can you lock the door to your bedroom?

What about going out and doing it on your phone?

Does he actually do anything for himself? Start doing the same thing to him.

He sounds beyond horrible. His criticisms make it sound like he despises you. Is that something you’ve felt from him before?

I think that's really rude. Why can't he let you be happy and enjoy something

I can completely understand why you would feel upset . I find being interrupted on the phone etc very rude! Also I think his attitude isn’t too great either!

He says it’s because he knows I’m better than them and it’s actually a complement to me as I don’t need them to be able to do what I want to do.

He’s the same if I’m on the phone or talking to someone else. He can’t stand it if my attention is anywhere other than him - he has a big bee in his bonnet about being low down on my list of priorities (we have animals and children) but at the same time hates that the house is sometimes a tip. Then in the next moment, he will apologise and say I’m amazing and tell me all the things I’m good at. I’ve asked him to stop rating me - I’m not interested. I love all the things in my life but some things need to be done first. When I’m busy on these calls, he doesn’t pick up the house/child care slack as that’s my job and he’s been at work all day, he does work hard. I don’t expect him to - the kids are great and are fine with the odd late night but I don’t expect to be ridiculed. I had locked myself away but had no internet.

I think it boils down to me not being available for him. He doesn’t - he says he’s just calling a spade a spade and I shouldn’t react like the world is ending.

I really do appreciate you replying. There is no way I would have been able to sleep without straightening some of these thoughts out!

Sorry i find his behaviour incredibly immature, rude and selfish. I would hate this.

I would totally lose respect for him. What he is doing is so incredibly rude! 😱. And childish.

He sounds absolutely horrible. He doesn't like you having other people to talk to and wants your sole focus to be on him.
Even though he is completely in the wrong with the things he has been doing and said, he has the nerve to tell you that you are oversensitive and this is due to your childhood.

OP - he doesn't sound like a very nice person at all. Extremely selfish to the point he would rather you feel awful as long as he felt okay.

Thank you - so I don’t need to lighten up and get a sense of humour?!

It all sounds so bloody trivial but it’s really wearing. He keeps saying that I just don’t like it when he gets in the way of me doing whatever I like, whenever I like. He makes me sound like a spoilt brat..,

Hang on, is it wearing or waring??

Tired - too many possessive nouns before lunch today; which is exactly what I wanted to be doing, obviously.

This is an act of sabotage. He resents you enjoying your time without him. He's hoping you'll get sick of the interruptions and give up something you enjoy.

I wouldn't accept this behaviour from a 9 year old. It's rude and disrespectful to you and to your friends.

He's trying to alienate you from these people by saying you're better than them. This is a classic tactic of men who're trying to distance women from their family and friends.

All in all, it's very, very controlling. And he's blaming you for not loving this, by saying it's to do with your childhood.

My dc used to do this ... when they were 3!

I would just completely ignore him as if he wasn't in the room.

He is the one acting like a spoilt brat.

This is actually a very controlling man OP. I live with one (my husband) who does VERY similar things. I’ve come to hate him.
He doesn’t even respect your clear instructions not to do things. He’s an attention seeking twat

What is the zoom call? A hobby or something for you I’m guessing?

My 8 year old is doing this attention seeking behaviour at the moment and I’m stamping it out.

It’s not trivial, He sounds like your entire focus needs to be on him, only his needs, he’s removing you from anyone or anything that isn’t him. Have a good long think about any other ways he’s controlling your life and don’t minimise this.

Oh and the putting you down, negging them bouying you back up is emotional manipulation so your self worth is based on his opinion.

He is trying to control you exactly as PP say above. The household responsibilities have been divided in a way to control you. He is trying to alienate you from your feiends and then manipulate you into accepting it with his flattery and scorn.

The only thing your childhood may have brought to the table is that it has taken longer for you to realise that he is not acting out of love.

He is happy to make you unhappy.

Fortune that’s a really interesting idea I hadn’t considered. He’s very critical of my old pre-him friends. He says they’re all fat and ugly (I’ve become good at ignoring him). Our current friends aren’t immune to it either.
The women are all fat and the men are all boring. He’s always saying he wants to find more intellectual and stimulating friends. So he doesn’t want to spend much time with the one we’ve got and if we do, it’s always on his terms. Pre covid obviously.

I’ve just caught up :(

One zoom call is a group I volunteered for to make where we live better.

The other is a professional qualification to enable me to set up my absolute dream job: he says I’m gifted and I know more than them - they’re idiots who are padding out a course to make money: he knows this because he spends his life talking to people...

He doesn’t want you to have that qualification, it gives you more freedom from him.

Ditto the friends, ditch the ones you have, bet he never replaces them. You need help.

Gaslighting. He’s very cleverly got you questioning whether the way you’re feeling is unreasonable or in some way a result of a failing/shortcoming of your own. In your gut you know that’s not the case. Totally agree that the attention seeking is childish and should be dealt with accordingly. I think I’d find it difficult not to ask him in an overtly condescending tone if he might be able to manage playing on his own for a little while so you can talk to the grown ups?!

This isn't a silly, trivial thing OP.

He sounds absolutely horrible. A spiteful, mean spirited, selfish prick.

He's acting as if he doesn't even like you, let alone love you!

It's a way of being controlling and then having what he sees as the age old "god, I'm just messing around lighten up" card to play afterwards.

This is not what a healthy relationship looks like.

I like that! Might try it next time.

I don’t suppose he’s ever going to change. And I can’t see how I can. He’s great at the grand gestures but has left a cloud over most of our holidays/ trips.

I really appreciate all of your replies. I have a lot to think and read about.

He's awful. He doesn't want you to be happy or fulfilled. He doesn't want you to have friends. I'm so sorry.

This is definitely not trivial. It's manipulative pre-planned behaviour with a destructive goal in mind. It's important that you see exactly what he is doing here and what he's trying to achieve. I'm sorry but I don't think this is a respectful loving partner, and I don't think he will change. Please be careful and protect yourself from the consequences.

I just keep remembering things - the 11 year old told me he thinks his dad has a 20 minute happy cycle then reverts to being grumpy :( The thing is, when he’s not grumpy, he’s fun and funny, the life and soul. He is the mood setter.