Bit of perspective please

[Slippersandacuppa]

I was wondering if you could please let me know if I’m being completely unreasonable and unfair.

I’ve just had the same argument with DH and it makes me feel like I am actually losing my grip on reality.

I have a zoom call commitment every other week for about 2 or 3 hours. I’ve committed to it and take it seriously. For some reason, this irritates the hell out of DH. Without fail, he will come in to whichever room I’m in and start trying to get my attention, either by doing something ridiculous or by talking. He knows I won’t talk to him because he knows it’s not important. This is the case with other things too. He always has to know who I’m on the phone with or texting or what I’m reading.

Anyway, I know it sounds trivial - I’m trying to be brief. Tonight really upset me. This call was something I am really passionate about. He came in, lay on the floor with the dog and started making really rude comments about the other people on the call, what they were talking about etc. I ignored him and he finally left. I’m so fed up of being happy about something and him just taking the wind out of my sails. I spoke to him after the call had finished and asked why he felt the need to do that. That was a can of worms I should have left alone.

He said I’ve brought the problem into the house so he is allowed to react to it. He finds the whole thing ridiculous and I know he’s always honest so what do I expect. I shouldn’t be so over sensitive. He can’t say anything without me over reacting and getting upset. He blames my childhood, where nothing was ever hard or criticised (his words).

I said that I couldn’t understand why someone would do something that they know would upset someone they love. Again. He said it’s not his fault if he reacts to a ridiculous situation and I should just laugh about it with him.

I can’t even explain. Sorry - I want to shout but we’re getting nowhere :(

:(

I cope. I don’t talk to family or friends when I’m sad because I’d rather they didn’t remember those bits when it’s going well. People obviously see what he’s like and have commented (many times) that I’m an angel/saint and they don’t know how I live with him: but they all say it’s obvious how much he loves me and that I am his world.

He’s insecure, controlling and selfish. Insecurity is not an excuse for being a prick.
Don’t let him shrink your life and whittle down your friendships.
How dare he insult your friends and dismiss them on grounds of weight! He’s misogynistic.
It would all leave my fanny as dry as as the Atacama.

Do you realise how damaging it is for your dc to be growing up with this dynamic? You're all walking on eggshells trying to appease him. Of course he's the life and soul when you're all showering him with attention. It's how he's trained you all.

@Slippersandacuppa

I just keep remembering things - the 11 year old told me he thinks his dad has a 20 minute happy cycle then reverts to being grumpy :( The thing is, when he’s not grumpy, he’s fun and funny, the life and soul. He is the mood setter.

The 'Life and Soul'?

Don't you mean 'The Centre of Attention'?

A door wedge is extremely cheap and would keep him out of the room. He won't like it, not one bit, but it might get the point across that he isn't welcome to trample upon the things that are important to you that aren't him.

He's controlling and manipulative, I can imagine he plays the victim very well, sulks (more control) and minimising everything. Yuck

A "normal" partner would pop their head round the door with a cuppa or glass of wine for you, and leave. Have the house lovely and tidy for when you're done and maybe think to do other helpful bit while you are on the call.

There's a big difference between being honest and being a d*ck, op.

I'm also picking up a number of red flags in your posts but they've been discussed pretty well so far so I won't belabour them.

I will say that those are 2 of the most rubbish excuses I've ever heard for sabotaging your calls and how you've not lost your sh*t at him i don't know.

Who cares why the others ppl are doing the qualification, its why you're doing it thats important.

Someone can love you a lot and still be controlling.

He is jealous and immature - this is the behaviour of a toddler trying to split his mother from the new baby. I would consider looking at the behaviour of someone with some kind of personality disorder. He has attempted to split you from everyone else in your life and have your undivided attention, and is entirely unwilling to accept responsibility for his behaviour or to apologise for upsetting you. He is also gaslighting you - making your reaction either a "fault" of yours, or "upsetting" to him. Extremely unhealthy behaviour in an emotionally healthy individual. I would recommend suggesting that he gets himself a psychologist as soon as possible, because the only way he will be happy is going to make you thoroughly miserable and isolated. (Or you will leave.)

He's a controller.

He's playing the victim in the drama triangle, putting you in the position of saving him, finding things that are against him.

None of this is real, it's all manipulation. Keep stepping back out of it and assessing what is he doing and why?

BTW, I don't think anyone should ever have to resort to wedging their door shut to keep their partner out of their room in a healthy relationship. His behaviour is emotionally abusive.

What a selfish, immature freak. Why are you with this vile individual???

Yes, he sulks - he’ll walk into a room with a really awful look on his face; I can’t describe it but the effect is how I imagine dementors feel. I’ll ask how he is, he’ll say fine and that will carry on until I manage to work out what it is that’s gone wrong. Either I’ve left his unironed shirts in a crumpled pile, or there’s no honey or cold milk. He loves to say that I can have a house keeper or cleaners everyday or a nanny if I can’t cope but I don’t want that. I love my kids and my lived-in home (although my ideal was much smaller!) and I don’t want someone here all the time. He wants to throw money at it and have a show home. He’s fed up of the crap (as he puts it) in our home so wants to skip it all. I’ve managed to find homes for a lot of it but he wants it gone so we will be delivering my wardrobe/chest of drawers this weekend and I have nothing else to put my clothes in. I don’t particularly like them but they’re nice and I’m easy going, I don’t really mind if they stay or go. He says if we just wait until we’ve managed to find charity shops that will accept things now, we’ll just end up storing stuff forever. He says I just don’t ever get round to doing these things.

Sounds very controlling to me

His mum is a counsellor. He is so irritated by her, it’s unreal. He thinks it’s a joke that someone so selfish can profess to help people. That was one of his points today. He happened to walk in when one of the course leaders was going through different ways this course could be implemented: they kept talking about being present in the moment and mindfulness. He thinks it’s all a load of self-centred bull. There is no way he would ever see a psychologist. I’ve suggested it but he can’t see that he has anything to explore or work on. He is who is. He’s smart and likes to question. People like him are why humans evolve. If I ask him tomorrow if he actually meant all that, I can imagine he would laugh and call himself an idiot but he went on and on about it tonight.

OP, it's all "he loves... he says", where is your voice, your opinion?

Sometimes I really don’t know.

Sorry, that was to Perveen but actually Enough I hadn’t noticed that. I want a happy, quiet life without drama with the people/things I love. I don’t need to be excellent at anything (he hates lack of ambition) or to have loads of money (he would say that’s easy enough to say when I’m not responsible for paying for the kids/house).

He always has to know who I’m on the phone with or texting or what I’m reading

I had an ex like this. I'd run for the hills. Your partner isn't meant to make you feel like a dementor is in your midst. Ever.

Does he work? Is he currently on zoom meetings or going into his place of work? Does he tend to lie on the floor to play with the dog and make shitty comments directed at his boss and colleagues during that time?... I'm guessing a big fat no? 🤔 He's taking the piss. He knows full well he's taking the piss, and he's more than happy to keep sabotaging and minimising you.

Stop appeasing him and turn your focus back onto what you want and need. Instead of justifying yourself or placating him use short sentences, start with things like, "I would like..., thanks", e.g.
"I would like to be left alone for the next two hours, thanks".

Yes he’s working from home. He works long hours and I do exactly what was mentioned earlier. Take him breakfast, lunch and dinner unless he comes into the kitchen to make it himself. Ask him how it’s going; always knock, always interested in what he’s got to say. But that’s real work, obviously. He said it’s just ridiculous how I take something so inane so seriously. That’s what British humour is based on so I should lighten up.

Then he’s got more ammunition for the spoilt brat script :(

Obviously real work as he's a real VIP and you are a weak and wibbly woman playing at being important.

He isn't going to stop thinking this way, how long can you hack it?

@Slippersandacuppa

Then he’s got more ammunition for the spoilt brat script :(

Switch the scenario. Imagine he is on a Zoom call that is important to him for whatever reason. You come in and sprawl on the floor at his feet and make stupid comments.

Does that sound normal?

I'm sorry OP but he sounds like an emotionally immature fuckwit. He's using a child's tactics to control you. It's embarrassing.

I really don’t know. I do dream of a quieter life sometimes. I know this isn’t great for the kids but I’m not sure it’s bad enough to turn what they know upside down. I sometimes sort of think it’s inevitable but I’m not sure I’ve got the guts or whatever you call it. The weird thing is, I don’t think anyone would be surprised.