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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bit of perspective please

174 replies

Slippersandacuppa · 10/02/2021 23:48

I was wondering if you could please let me know if I’m being completely unreasonable and unfair.

I’ve just had the same argument with DH and it makes me feel like I am actually losing my grip on reality.

I have a zoom call commitment every other week for about 2 or 3 hours. I’ve committed to it and take it seriously. For some reason, this irritates the hell out of DH. Without fail, he will come in to whichever room I’m in and start trying to get my attention, either by doing something ridiculous or by talking. He knows I won’t talk to him because he knows it’s not important. This is the case with other things too. He always has to know who I’m on the phone with or texting or what I’m reading.

Anyway, I know it sounds trivial - I’m trying to be brief. Tonight really upset me. This call was something I am really passionate about. He came in, lay on the floor with the dog and started making really rude comments about the other people on the call, what they were talking about etc. I ignored him and he finally left. I’m so fed up of being happy about something and him just taking the wind out of my sails. I spoke to him after the call had finished and asked why he felt the need to do that. That was a can of worms I should have left alone.

He said I’ve brought the problem into the house so he is allowed to react to it. He finds the whole thing ridiculous and I know he’s always honest so what do I expect. I shouldn’t be so over sensitive. He can’t say anything without me over reacting and getting upset. He blames my childhood, where nothing was ever hard or criticised (his words).

I said that I couldn’t understand why someone would do something that they know would upset someone they love. Again. He said it’s not his fault if he reacts to a ridiculous situation and I should just laugh about it with him.

I can’t even explain. Sorry - I want to shout but we’re getting nowhere :(

OP posts:
Dery · 11/02/2021 13:13

As to the state of the house - just get a cleaner. It isn’t entirely reasonable to refuse to do that. The cleaner will only be there part-time during the week so you will still have plenty of privacy.

WeatherwaxOn · 11/02/2021 13:17

Have only read p1 as am between unnecessary tasks (!) but he is being incredibly rude and disrespectful.
I do several online things a week purely for fun. DH and DC respect that I have a commitment and leave me to get on with it. Occasionally DC has interrupted for help with school work, but even then only briefly and apologetically.
It sounds as though he has some sort of desperate urge to be the centre of attention.

Original poster
Slippersandacuppa · 11/02/2021 13:21

We already have one but he can’t stand the fact that I have to spend time folding clothes or doing washing. He hates the stuff the kids leave lying around. He would like someone here full time I think. He hates if I do anything like that when he’s not working. He thinks I’ve got a ridiculous obsession with hoovering. I can’t do anything on Friday evenings as they are particularly important to him after a long week at work. I’ve had grief from him in the past for wanting to meet up with friends at weekends. He can’t understand why they don’t meet up during the week. I’ve pointed out that I don’t always do the arranging so it’s not up to me. He doesn’t seem to get that.

There’s a checklist I run through to make sure as much stuff is under control as possible so that he won’t be provoked.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 11/02/2021 13:28

You really shouldn’t have to live your life worrying about annoying him and walking on eggshells

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/02/2021 13:29

@Slippersandacuppa

We already have one but he can’t stand the fact that I have to spend time folding clothes or doing washing. He hates the stuff the kids leave lying around. He would like someone here full time I think. He hates if I do anything like that when he’s not working. He thinks I’ve got a ridiculous obsession with hoovering. I can’t do anything on Friday evenings as they are particularly important to him after a long week at work. I’ve had grief from him in the past for wanting to meet up with friends at weekends. He can’t understand why they don’t meet up during the week. I’ve pointed out that I don’t always do the arranging so it’s not up to me. He doesn’t seem to get that.

There’s a checklist I run through to make sure as much stuff is under control as possible so that he won’t be provoked.

You are regulating another adults mood. That is not healthy by any stretch.

You're adapting perfectly normal behaviour, discussions, wants and needs to regulate his moods and the consequences.

Your children are being exposed to incredibly unhealthy relationship modelling and also gender stereotypes - the man dictates the mood of the house and is entitled to do so.

This is so damaging for you and the kids.

Can you see that you regulating your husband's moods is wrong on every level?

You're married and it sounds like you are very financially stable with decent marital assets.

Do you see how much healthier and happier you and your kids' lives would be if you split up with him?

Original poster
Slippersandacuppa · 11/02/2021 13:34

Yes I think I do. I do long for it sometimes but then he’s lovely again and the kids are happy and that get’s shoved away. He’s being all happy and lovely now.

OP posts:
Maunderingdrunkenly · 11/02/2021 13:35

This is absolutely bonkers! A checklist essentially to manage your husbands moods. This is no way to live, he seems to be saying ‘my moods are the price you pay for what I’ve bought you.’ It’s TOTALLY disordered

Think how much calmer and more relaxed life would be without him. Delicious freedom everyday

you’ve been living under his value system for so long it’s become yours, and you just say ‘you’re right’ and roll over.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/02/2021 13:53

@Slippersandacuppa

Yes I think I do. I do long for it sometimes but then he’s lovely again and the kids are happy and that get’s shoved away. He’s being all happy and lovely now.
This is what abusive nasty people do, otherwise nobody would stay with them. It's a cycle. As I said above and another poster also did, the word narcissist is thrown around way too often on here but your husband sounds textbook.

There is a cycle they tend to use: idealise, devalue, discard.

Idealise - They create a 'lovely' atmosphere enough for you to think everything is actually ok, they're lovely really, maybe you're over reacting or being sensitive. You start to feel a bit calmer, then...

Devalue - they remind you they are in charge, you aren't enough, you never do anything right, you're useless and need to be told how to behave, then if you argue back / set a boundary / don't give them what they want ...

Discard - they don't want to talk about it, there's no point talking to you because you're stupid and don't listen to them properly, you're out of order and don't appreciate they do xyz for you so then...

Hoovering - the punishment of the discard phase is too difficult for you so you apologise / join them in minimising how bad their behaviour was / join them in blaming you / concede because you want calmness for the kids and know he won't cave.

And back to idealise - ok he's willing to 'forgive' your 'bad' behaviour (which in reality was you calling him out or setting a boundary).

And round and round you go indefinitely.

It's exhausting. I've been there. Aren't you just fucking exhausted of trying to manage the behaviour of someone who is unmanageable?

Original poster
Slippersandacuppa · 11/02/2021 14:04

I was exhausted years ago, I packed a bag once before the kids came along. I’m going to do lots of reading x

OP posts:
ifitpleasesandsparkles · 11/02/2021 15:04

@Slippersandacuppa

I was exhausted years ago, I packed a bag once before the kids came along. I’m going to do lots of reading x

It makes me so sad to read that he kicks up a fuss about you going out with friends of a weekend. It's not normal @Slippersandacuppa

I'm praying you show this man the door.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/02/2021 15:13

There’s a checklist I run through to make sure as much stuff is under control as possible so that he won’t be provoked.

You see that that's incredibly wrong, don't you?

NovemberR · 11/02/2021 17:00

He will never be reasonable and see your point of view.

However you try to explain it he just won't get it - because the simple truth is it's him. He is the problem. His behaviour is so utterly far from 'normal' and what most people could ever tolerate in a relationship that he will never be brought to understand this.

Just file for divorce for God's sake. He doesn't have to agree you have reasons. It's enough for you to decide you know longer want to be with him.

And get a good lawyer!

namitynamechange · 11/02/2021 18:51

[quote Fortunefavours1]@namitynamechange
Your post makes so much sense to me.
My abusive ex husband hated me reading, I didn't know this was common in controlling relationships. I lost couht of the number of books and magazines of mine he hid or threw away. I actually told my sister, it's like he wasn't happy just controlling me, he wanted to own my soul, my mind, my thoughts, my opinions, EVERYTHING.[/quote]
I wrote a list while I was going through the looong process of leaving my ex (we lived in another country so it was complicated and difficult) of things I would be able to do when I was finally rid. Top of the list was being able to read without being criticised (second was being able to cook potatoes whenever I felt like it which is ridiculous looking back. its all ridiculous though)

namitynamechange · 11/02/2021 18:53

@Slippersandacuppa

Yes I think I do. I do long for it sometimes but then he’s lovely again and the kids are happy and that get’s shoved away. He’s being all happy and lovely now.
Forgive me if Im wrong but I take it your children aren't teenagers yet? He won't stay happy and lovely with them when they start pushing back against his authority.
Twattergy · 11/02/2021 19:04

Your posts make me feel so anxious as I was in a long term relationship with a man like this in my 20s. And if I'd married him I am sure this is what he would have been like. So similar in so many ways - putting other people down, all fun and games one minute, but then total thunder the next, gaslighting, other people telling me 'I don't know how you put up with him'. OP you sound lovely. Whilst he sounds like he has borderline personality disorder or at least is a narcissist. I've tried to 'make it work with someone like this. But if you have a shred of self worth I implore you to find a way out. This is NOT how relationships should be. You've got used to it, but it is not acceptable. I loved my ex but when I realised he could never give me what I truly needed and deserved, that enabled me to end it.

category12 · 11/02/2021 19:10

So many of them tell him they love his refreshing honesty though.

They don't really. They think he's a dick.

combatbarbie · 11/02/2021 19:22

Oh OP.... I hope you have now started to see the light. What a narcissist gaslighting prick!!

Can I ask if he cooked his own meals today like he said.....

I'm angry for you, I would really be considering your options now. What an absolute prick.....

Bananalanacake · 11/02/2021 19:33

Before lock down what was he like when you went out with friends, went to visit family, went to baby groups. It's good you are starting to see him for what he is.

Original poster
Slippersandacuppa · 11/02/2021 20:08

You guys Flowers

Nope, it’s back to how it usually is after these things. (I do see how wrong it is to have a list) Everyone is happy, until the next time.

I suppose I wait for the tipping point? If my daughter or sons were in this situation I know what I’d be saying to them.

One son is a teen and finds him unfair. They don’t have many run ins though.

A friend was in the process of splitting from her husband and I felt real envy when she was talking about closing her front door and it being all hers.

Pre lockdown, he worked away all week, which obviously hid a lot of the problems but also put so much pressure on having fun (read: being available for him) at weekends.

OP posts:
TaraR2020 · 11/02/2021 20:10

You only have one life, op...how do you want to live it?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/02/2021 20:18

I suppose I wait for the tipping point? If my daughter or sons were in this situation I know what I’d be saying to them.

The sad truth is that the longer they live in this environment, the more likely it is they will be in this situation, either playing the role of their father or the role of you.

combatbarbie · 11/02/2021 22:42

I suppose I wait for the tipping point?

Erm which has already happened? You do not have to put up with this at all, what are you teaching your children? I appreciate you cannot just up and leave but you can say the relationship is over.

Grimsknee · 11/02/2021 22:46

Sounds like a chronic case of FIGJAM. (Fuck I'm good just ask me). Lots of abusive men have it. Imagine life without having to pander to it OP!

ifitpleasesandsparkles · 11/02/2021 22:49

@Slippersandacuppa

You guys Flowers

Nope, it’s back to how it usually is after these things. (I do see how wrong it is to have a list) Everyone is happy, until the next time.

I suppose I wait for the tipping point? If my daughter or sons were in this situation I know what I’d be saying to them.

One son is a teen and finds him unfair. They don’t have many run ins though.

A friend was in the process of splitting from her husband and I felt real envy when she was talking about closing her front door and it being all hers.

Pre lockdown, he worked away all week, which obviously hid a lot of the problems but also put so much pressure on having fun (read: being available for him) at weekends.

Don't wait for a tipping point. I did that. There was so much unnecessary drama. I wish I'd left so much sooner. Think of all the stress you'll be putting yourself under while you wait for a big blow out.

Dery · 11/02/2021 23:06

“I suppose I wait for the tipping point? If my daughter or sons were in this situation I know what I’d be saying to them.

The sad truth is that the longer they live in this environment, the more likely it is they will be in this situation, either playing the role of their father or the role of you.”

This with bells on.