Bit of perspective please

[Slippersandacuppa]

I was wondering if you could please let me know if I’m being completely unreasonable and unfair.

I’ve just had the same argument with DH and it makes me feel like I am actually losing my grip on reality.

I have a zoom call commitment every other week for about 2 or 3 hours. I’ve committed to it and take it seriously. For some reason, this irritates the hell out of DH. Without fail, he will come in to whichever room I’m in and start trying to get my attention, either by doing something ridiculous or by talking. He knows I won’t talk to him because he knows it’s not important. This is the case with other things too. He always has to know who I’m on the phone with or texting or what I’m reading.

Anyway, I know it sounds trivial - I’m trying to be brief. Tonight really upset me. This call was something I am really passionate about. He came in, lay on the floor with the dog and started making really rude comments about the other people on the call, what they were talking about etc. I ignored him and he finally left. I’m so fed up of being happy about something and him just taking the wind out of my sails. I spoke to him after the call had finished and asked why he felt the need to do that. That was a can of worms I should have left alone.

He said I’ve brought the problem into the house so he is allowed to react to it. He finds the whole thing ridiculous and I know he’s always honest so what do I expect. I shouldn’t be so over sensitive. He can’t say anything without me over reacting and getting upset. He blames my childhood, where nothing was ever hard or criticised (his words).

I said that I couldn’t understand why someone would do something that they know would upset someone they love. Again. He said it’s not his fault if he reacts to a ridiculous situation and I should just laugh about it with him.

I can’t even explain. Sorry - I want to shout but we’re getting nowhere :(

If he has you doubting yourself, he can keep his position as the big man.

This is the behaviour of a young child.

He comes into the room whilst you're on the phone and tries to disturb you to get your attention.

He needs to grow up and stop being so controlling.

I'm would lose all respect for someone who did this.

Urgh. I don't say this lightly but please find a way to LTB. He sounds deeply unpleasant and is sucking the life out of the rest of you. How old are your DC? How do you stand financially if you split?

OP - "anything for an easy life" is lazy and short-termist thinking. And actually you don't have an easy life.

Look nobody's perfect. My DH and I have put a lot of thought into parenting but we still look at our lovely teen DDs and can clearly see that they have inherited some of our worst habits. Yes, we got some things right but there are some things we would do very differently if we got to do them over. Very differently.

But neither of us behaves like your DH does. Belittling everyone is his way of isolating you from other people and teaching you to depend on his opinion. As other people have said: all we're hearing about is your H's views on everything. Not yours.

Your children are learning that it's okay for a man to make himself the centre of the world and spoil everyone else's fun and have everyone else just suck it up. It is SO worrying that your son has said he has a 20-minute good natured cycle and then he gets back to glooping moodiness over the entire household so you're all walking on eggshells. And whatever chats you may have with your son, you are helping your children learn the lesson that your H’s behaviour is acceptable. Is this how you want your son to behave when he's married with children? And do you want your daughter (if you have one) to never be able to watch what she wants, do what she wants, express her views and needs, have her clothes given away against her will in a de-cluttering exercise etc? Do you want her thinking she always has to put her partner's need ahead of hers? OP - you have effaced yourself so much you don't know what you think or feel about things any more. This is what you are teaching your children. What you do will always set a much stronger example than what you say.

I'm not saying you need to LTB right away, though he sounds pretty awful. But it's no good just always giving way and then complaining about the results. It isn't giving you an easy life - it's just giving you a whole different set of problems with potentially far-reaching consequences. It would be far better for your children to see you standing your ground even if arguments do ensue.

Wow. He's a treasure, isn't he?

So he belittles you, he sucks the joy out of things you enjoy, he is waited on hand and foot, doesn't share your interests, and takes the mickey out of you. He is dominating, immature and moody. And when you tackle his poor behaviour, he says you can't take a joke and it's your fault.

Geez. It's hard to see any remdeeing features.

I think this boils down to how you move forward. Accept the shitty way you're treated, never share your achievements and joy with your partner, or you fight it from within, or you leave.

Leaving seems so dramatic, but actually, what you'll end up with is less drama.

If you told him that actually, you won't tolerate it anymore and you'll leave, how would he react?

Slippersandacuppa,

You're married to a selfish, mean and nasty arse.

When my OH is on the phone to her friends or making work calls or Zoom/team meetings I make myself scarce. I get on well with her friends but they don't need to hear/see me on their 'girlie' chats and I certainly don't interfere in her more serious calls.

I may take her a drink if the call drags on but otherwise I leave her alone to do her thing.

As someone said upthread, why are you taking him all his meals and knocking on a door you own as well? Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

Can you imagine more years of this shit? You'll have no friends to call your own, no real life except being a skivvy.

When your children finally leave home he will be all you have.

IF.YOU.STAY

Stop walking on eggshells and putting up with this crap.

People say we only have one life, don't waste yours, please.

If I point out that we live according to his agenda, he says yes, he loves working hard all day. That’s exactly what he wants to do. I’m entitled to my opinions and that’s that.

He’s acting like a toddler. For a comparison if it helps, I have a weekly 2 hour class that I attend online, and two weeks of the month I have book club another night. My dh is totally happy to go watch a film or play on the PlayStation or whatever. No sulking, no trying to distract me, none of that nonsense.

Your dh is controlling and abusive
You need to divorce him

If his answer is "You don't like my attitude? Bad luck!" then you can either put up with it or go - he's not leaving you any other option.

How many years have you put up with it so far?

Have to agree with the others that he is a mean controlling bully.
I'm curious as to what his profession is?

What is the career you are working towards and how much longer is the course?

Please don't get rid of your wardrobe and drawers! Where will your stuff go? Right now you're emotionally all over the place rethinking your relationship. The least you can do is have an organised space around you. Not your stuff all over the place. Tell him you've changed your mind and won't be getting rid.

I bet he spoils special days too doesn't he OP? Like other peoples weddings and parties?

He's an absolute mood hoover. He feels entitled to dictate the mood of the home and of the family.

You're both currently teaching your children that men have the right to do that. Modelling relationship behaviours that will affect them in their adult lives.

@Slippersandacuppa

Thanks all for taking the time to reply. It makes me feel relieved that I’m not overreacting or going mad. I will pick a family member to talk to about it all. I’ve woken up with a headache, he’s woken up in a great mood. Singing, dancing around the kitchen. He joked, saying, ‘ahhh, did I ruin your evening again...’ I’ve said he always creates these clouds that hang over my memories but he just doesn’t see it. If I run through the list, it’s just the fault of someone or something else that has created the situation.

I can’t quite describe it though - with the wardrobe thing, he’s not doing it so I don’t have a wardrobe. He genuinely thinks if we just get rid of stuff, we will be spurred into action and get better stuff.

Then, why doesnt he get rid of his own stuff???

ALso, if you have a kindle download Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that" and read it. Dont tell your partner you are reading it.

Just had a chat about last night (thank you for the comments). He says he has given me everything I’ve ever wanted. Now he just shouldn’t get in the way of me doing what I want, when I want. He wanted examples of when I’m made to do things I don’t like. He then got cross and said he’s clearly not allowed to get in the way of my life or have an opinion. I just can’t argue against him, he always sounds right: on paper he has given me everything. He says he’s going to steer clear of me for a while.

He’s in banking. I’m in a very specialised area of therapy. If we did split, I would only want enough to keep the animals and kids happy. I don’t care about clothes/furniture etc. I haven’t worked solidly since we had the kids - married 15 years.

I can’t say all the things you’re said, it just sounds like wet tissue hitting a wall! It’s impossible to argue. He has given me exactly what I always dreamed of (which is true, kids and animals etc) and doesn’t feel like there is much time left for him, argh! I’m going to go and learn about year 2 grammar now. Might be easier.

Thank you again - Will look into that book...

Yes, he does ruin days out. And the last two weekends we had away with friends. And our last holiday away with friends. Abs the last holiday we had together. He asked if he’d ruined last night and when I said yes, he laughed as if to say don’t be ridiculous. He has basically rescued it to saying that he needs to provide everything for me then be quiet so I can enjoy my life as I want to.

He is deflecting.

What you have an issue with has absolutely nothing to do with what he has done for you. But he has turned it into that to make it seem like it's YOU with the issue here, not him.

Your issue is about wanting time to spend doing what you enjoy without him pestering you. How did he manage to move so far away from that, that he made you step back and say "he is right, he does give me everything I want"

I'm so sorry he doesn't listen to your simple requests.

If we did split, I would only want enough to keep the animals and kids happy. I don’t care about clothes/furniture etc.
All the women I know who've split up with their husbands having spent years enabling their careers by being the main carers for the children have gone down this route while their husbands end up in a much better position.

No, you don't care about clothes. You're not a spoilt brat. We get it. You've been defeding yourself against that accusation for so long that you feel we need to know it.
But you've just said how much you want your pets to be happy, and not mentioned your own happiness. Why do you think that is?

@Slippersandacuppa

Yes, he does ruin days out. And the last two weekends we had away with friends. And our last holiday away with friends. Abs the last holiday we had together. He asked if he’d ruined last night and when I said yes, he laughed as if to say don’t be ridiculous. He has basically rescued it to saying that he needs to provide everything for me then be quiet so I can enjoy my life as I want to.

I thought so. The reason I asked if he ruins special occasions is that while the word narcissist is IMO used too often and too flippantly on here, this is something typical of people with narcissists. If you google 'partner ruins special occasions / sabotages special occasions" or similar you will be able to see more about this. I've done so and pasted an example result below. I believe you're dealing with a narcissist. He's therefore not a suitable partner especially considering you have children. Them living under the same roof as someone who has these traits will absolutely damage them long term. Does the below ring true to you?

RUINING SPECIAL OCCASIONS, VACATIONS, AND HOLIDAYS.
Narcissists don’t just abandon you when you most need them – they also ensure that any special occasions or holidays are sabotaged as well. Holidays are another time when the narcissist cannot stand the attention being taken away from them. They also cannot stand the expectation of being cheerful or generous towards others. As Dr. Sharie Stines notes, “Narcissists have a tendency to practice seasonal devalue and discard during the holidays, focusing these abuse tactics on their nearest targets and closest partners. Why do they do this? Because they have no empathy and cannot handle intimate relationships and are compelled to do what it takes to destroy them.”
Withholding gifts, instigating fights, staging a dramatic discard, “forgetting” birthdays and anniversaries are common among narcissistic individuals.

He says he’s going to steer clear of me for a while.
Because of your terrible behaviour, right? My eyes have rolled so far round in their sockets that they've come back round the other side.

Oh and this probably feels familiar too:

DESTRUCTIVE CONDITIONING
Malignant narcissists aren’t above resorting to methods not unlike Pavlovian conditioning to get what they want. They use what I like to call “destructive conditioning” to get you to associate your happiest moments, interests, passions, and dreams with their cruel and callous punishment. Destructive conditioning instills in us a sense of learned hopelessness. It teaches us that anything we derive joy from can be minimized, tainted in some fundamental way, or even taken away from us entirely.
One way narcissists destructively condition us is by dampening our enthusiasm and raining on our parade during moments when we should be celebrating – such as during a graduation, the birth of a child, an engagement, or a recent business success.Detracting from any kind of milestoneor achievement to divert the focus back to the narcissist’s own needs embodies a pathological need to be the center of attention at all times. It causes us to struggle with a pervasive sense of fear that whenever things in our life are going well, our narcissistic parent, partner, friend, co-worker or boss could come around and attempt to rob us of it.

@Slippersandacuppa

Just had a chat about last night (thank you for the comments). He says he has given me everything I’ve ever wanted. Now he just shouldn’t get in the way of me doing what I want, when I want. He wanted examples of when I’m made to do things I don’t like. He then got cross and said he’s clearly not allowed to get in the way of my life or have an opinion. I just can’t argue against him, he always sounds right: on paper he has given me everything. He says he’s going to steer clear of me for a while.

He’s in banking. I’m in a very specialised area of therapy. If we did split, I would only want enough to keep the animals and kids happy. I don’t care about clothes/furniture etc. I haven’t worked solidly since we had the kids - married 15 years.

I can’t say all the things you’re said, it just sounds like wet tissue hitting a wall! It’s impossible to argue. He has given me exactly what I always dreamed of (which is true, kids and animals etc) and doesn’t feel like there is much time left for him, argh! I’m going to go and learn about year 2 grammar now. Might be easier.

Thank you again - Will look into that book...

Just checking in from last night. I hope you figure things out.

His reaction is typical. "I can't do anything right", "I'll just keep quiet then", "no no that's fine I'll just leave you alone since everything I do is wrong". He'll go off in a huff now for a while to punish you and say "well I'm only leaving you alone like you asked for."

He's trying to paint you as crazy. It's irrelevant that you have some nice things. I'd rather lose all of that and have a partner who respects me and let's me live my life. I think it's telling that he's moaning that he's "not allowed to get in the way of your life". Yes, we'll no one has the right to get in the way of my life so that's a bizarre thing to say.

To gain back control of you. You are taking steps towards a future where he won’t necessarily be your shining star anymore and underlying the jokey playing around during zoom calls and negative putdowns of your friends lies real fear that he will lose his position of dominance.

I feel for you @Slippersandacuppa - your relationship sounds similar to my parents relationship. It definitely wasn’t great as a child to have that modelled as a relationship for me.

I'm afraid that the fact that your family and friends wouldn't be surprised if you left him really says it all. Start talking to them - I suspect they will be enormously supportive.

I never suggest narcissism, as actual narcissist personality disorder is so rare in the population, and is not just about people being a bit selfish. But some of the things you've said really sound interesting (sorry, but to me obviously it's just a fascinating case, not my life).

People like him are why humans evolve.

You may: ... believe that there are special reasons that make you different, better or more deserving than others
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/personality-disorders/types-of-personality-disorder/#NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder