Bit of perspective please

[Slippersandacuppa]

I was wondering if you could please let me know if I’m being completely unreasonable and unfair.

I’ve just had the same argument with DH and it makes me feel like I am actually losing my grip on reality.

I have a zoom call commitment every other week for about 2 or 3 hours. I’ve committed to it and take it seriously. For some reason, this irritates the hell out of DH. Without fail, he will come in to whichever room I’m in and start trying to get my attention, either by doing something ridiculous or by talking. He knows I won’t talk to him because he knows it’s not important. This is the case with other things too. He always has to know who I’m on the phone with or texting or what I’m reading.

Anyway, I know it sounds trivial - I’m trying to be brief. Tonight really upset me. This call was something I am really passionate about. He came in, lay on the floor with the dog and started making really rude comments about the other people on the call, what they were talking about etc. I ignored him and he finally left. I’m so fed up of being happy about something and him just taking the wind out of my sails. I spoke to him after the call had finished and asked why he felt the need to do that. That was a can of worms I should have left alone.

He said I’ve brought the problem into the house so he is allowed to react to it. He finds the whole thing ridiculous and I know he’s always honest so what do I expect. I shouldn’t be so over sensitive. He can’t say anything without me over reacting and getting upset. He blames my childhood, where nothing was ever hard or criticised (his words).

I said that I couldn’t understand why someone would do something that they know would upset someone they love. Again. He said it’s not his fault if he reacts to a ridiculous situation and I should just laugh about it with him.

I can’t even explain. Sorry - I want to shout but we’re getting nowhere :(

I haven’t had time to read the whole thread ... just wondering why you’re with him since so much about him seems to bother you so much.

I spent 15 years analysing my partner & made catastrophic mistakes as a result. My advice is to look at yourself instead and what you want & need, then get clear with him about what you want.

I’ve only read your posts OP bit what you said about how he has given you everything you dreamed of? Is that really true? Did you dream of, for example, a husband who would deliberately ruin something precious to you that makes you happy and then be cheerful about it the next day?

Because that doesn’t sound like a dream to me, it sounds like an insidious, unfair, demeaning sort of way to be treated.

I suspect if you leave you will be amazed that you put up with this nonsense for so long. He will talk about you in the exact same way. And then your kids. And eventually their partners. And then they won't want to see him again. Don't be with him when that happens.

@Slippersandacuppa the Why Does He Do That? book is online as a PDF. No need to even buy it on Kindle.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

I don't know if you did ever see it but a MNetter posted on the relationships board about her sulking husband and realised that he hadn't just ruined this particular birthday weekend but he ruined every birthday of hers and made it about him. I have tried to find it but can't.

I think you are at the stage where you are really seeing your life for what it is. He only cares about himself. This is not a good or healthy relationship. He thinks he is perfect and you are the one with the issues, you are not. Definitely get a door wedge and prevent him coming into the room when you are on your next zoom call. Hopefully reading Lundy's book will help you see clearly.

The tipping point.
Life with my exh was a lot nicer than life with your dh, but still not ideal - he was a workaholic and spent hardly any time at home. I always vaguely imagined that I'd wait until we retired, and see if I still felt lonely then.
He made his own tipping point, the standard affair. The kids realised what was going on before I did and read his Whatsapp messages. It wasn't very nice for them.

I wonder how bad your tipping point will be. What kind of thing are you thinking of?

If my daughter or sons were in this situation
They are in this situation, looking on and taking it all in.

Yes, I understand everything you are saying and would be saying the same. Now that things have settled, it seems like I’m viewing what happened through a filter or something - like I have got two parts to my brain and keep them separate. We’re in the nice bit - it sometimes goes on for a long time.

Rowing I haven’t seen that thread. I’ll have a look for it, thank you. I have started reading the book. It and the videos about narcissists are like lightbulbs going off.

Thank you all again for your help the other night. I felt stronger then next day because of you all and am very grateful for that.

Here is the thread I think you’re looking for. This is the latest, but there are links to the rest. I’ve followed from the start.
Good luck op

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4125147-Divorcing-sulking-DH-it-WILL-happen-in-2021

Oh, op, I feel really sad for you.

Not only has he subjected you to 15 years of coercive control, but he's used your positive upbringing as a way to convince you that you now deserve to be abused by him.

You don't deserve to live like this and nor do your children. Freedom Programme might be a useful one after you've finished the Bancroft book.

I didn't have a positive upbringing and my controlling exH used that against me, my point here is that anything other people do or have is wrong to a narcissistic person. They lie and contradict themselves to remain right and better at all times: the constant victim.

I'm five years post control and I still honestly have moments of feeling excited to be free. It is so tough to get out of though. Ending it is like throwing all the parts of your life in the air and not knowing where they will land, with loads of self-doubt adding to the stress. It is traumatic and immense, but freedom is so much a better feeling!

Good luck op. I'm sure you'll find the courage to leave one day! What a good day that will be!
I'll always remember when my auntie found the courage to leave her bonkers partner. She's passed away now, but looking back it's the proudest I've ever been of anyone!
I was there, and about 16. She left all his stuff in the garden and we (my cousin too) were waiting in the house. In the back room next to the phone, so we could call the police if he got nasty. He didn't...
Was the best day! You'll have that one day!! X

Thank you all. It’s so weird. It’s like living two different lives. All hunky dory again for the last coulple of days. Then today it feels like the things I’ve done to make sure I’ve done all the things aren’t quite right. Including the wardrobe. He said why were we getting rid of it when we’ve got nothing to replace it with??? When I just looked at him like ??? he said I should have just told him instead of going along with it then whinging about it. It’s all so bloody fiddly and confusing. He makes a song and dance about how we need to get rid of stuff instead of holding on to it so fine, i arranged for it to go and when I say it’s just a weird way of doing things (he has a habit of just putting things outside the house instead of waiting for them to have a home first) he said to just cancel it then. He thinks I’m difficult.

My mum said something interesting. She said she’d store one of our other things for me. When I said it was fine, we were getting rid of it all, she said well she’d just hold on to that one for me. I need to talk to her and see what she meant. Up and down is just tiring. Anyway, I know that I’ll just keep repeating myself if I keep posting and that that is just frustrating to read. I’ll let you know when anything changes. One final thing, whenever he’s tired, he just goes to bed. Doesn’t matter what house jobs still need to be done and which kids are still awake. I would never in a million years do that: the last time I was stuck on the sofa ill, he disappeared back to work...on a Sunday. So tonight, he knew I was knackered (dog drama at 5am. Funny in hindsight but not at the time!), said he was too and off he went, leaving me to do my usual nightime things (dishwasher, dogs etc) and to tuck all the kids into bed. I just wouldn’t do that. Up and down is tiring zzz

Thank you again for your advice and support. Nice to know I’m not cracking up because I feel like I am sometimes. And that I’m ultra sensitive, defensive, lazy whatever...

Op, i don't mean to sound patronising but if you were my friend id want to give you a hug and make you dinner. Big glass of vino of course.

I'm glad you're taking your time to figure things out and do hope you'll post again if you need to.

I like the sound of your mum

Remember- you're not over sensitive or dramatic or being stupid. I hope you'll stop questioning yourself. His latest spiel about the wardrobe is...shall we go with ridiculous?

Please put yourself first a bit over the next few weeks and don't feel guilty about it

I really don’t know. I do dream of a quieter life sometimes. I know this isn’t great for the kids but I’m not sure it’s bad enough to turn what they know upside down. I sometimes sort of think it’s inevitable but I’m not sure I’ve got the guts or whatever you call it. The weird thing is, I don’t think anyone would be surprised

Also you said your friends like his refreshing honesty ....

There’s so much confusion on this thread OP. I think I was like you when with my H-I went around in circles analysing him. It was only when I looked at myself that things changed. Granted my H would never call my friends ‘fat and ugly’ . That’s very mean ...

Do you two argue? Do you stick up to him? Was he always this way? Are you seeing a therapist?

So many of them tell him they love his refreshing honesty though.

Pathetic individuals use 'honesty' and 'straight talking' as an excuse to be rude. They're invariably bastards.

The friends talking about his refreshing honesty are probably just searching desperately for something nice to say about him...

I’d say they find it refreshing because it’s so rare & unusual. I did wonder about autism ... but it’s impossible to know at this remove.

No, they're saying it's refreshing because for whatever reason, they've decided to put up with him, whether it's for the sake of OP, or maintaining the group dynamic or old loyalties. But really they think he's an arsehole.

I was in a relationship like this for almost 10 years and it wore me down until I didn’t recognise myself. Everything I did was to make sure he didn’t get angry at me. I walked on eggshells and became a shadow of a person. He also used to sabotage any hobbies and isolate me from other people. My friends hated him, and he hid behind “just being honest” whenever he said nasty, hurtful and abusive things. It’s a cowards trick to absolve themselves of responsibility.

I finally got the courage to leave and 2 years on i can’t believe how good my life is. I’m not afraid anymore, I don’t flinch at everything and I know that I’m not fat, useless and stupid.

You NEED to leave for your sake and definitely for your kids. You will not believe how much at peace you will feel when he is gone. Be brave x

As a PP said, you only have one life... you seem to be letting your DH decide how you should live it.

Tara she is amazing. I told her today. She said she knew something was up, I’m not going crazy and he makes everyone feel like they aren’t worth anything to him; one minute he’s wonderful to them and the next he won’t even look at them. I told her she might be a little biased :)

Change no, I’m not having counselling. I told him once in an argument ages ago that I thought that what he was doing was abuse and he laughed and told me not to be ridiculous. I think I might though, although since the other night when I started writing this all down here, I feel like something has shifted. He must have noticed it too because he asked why I was upset - I won’t bore you with the ins and outs. It was the same sort of stuff I’ve heard before. I’m not blameless in all of this, he is a cantankerous old git etc etc. But this time when he asked what I wanted to do about it, I said I don’t know but we are two very different people with different priorities who want completely different things out of life. We are literally the opposite ends of the scale. He usually works away in the week but obviously hasn’t since last March so I said that has just intensified everything. He was quite shocked and said that of course he would never want me to be upset and he doesn’t mean any of it maliciously. I know that - at least from that side of him but as my dad quite rightly pointed out, it’ll be like this for a while then it’ll all flip 180 again (he’s also awesome). I also spoke to my sister. She is also awesome and interestingly says she thinks she is a lot like him. Anyway, all of you have made it a real thing instead of a secret thing I get on with. I am determined my life isn’t going to be how it’s been, whatever that means for the future. I’m going to write everything down as I just get muddled and can’t remember things.

I’ve started physically reacting whenever he calls me now. I told him I never know what I’m going to get when I pick up. 50% of the time it’s fine and the other 50% he’s cross about something. Usually my hobby (shared by two children). I have to do it in the morning and be home early otherwise I’m going against what we agreed when I started. Taking away time from when he’s not at work. Before I started, I told him I thought I’d rather not as it was only going to be the source of arguments and resentment because it is time consuming and he doesn’t share it. But he was so encouraging about it and really pushed for me to sort it out. It’s now regularly used against me. I should have been on top of all my jobs instead of going there. If I was half as passionate about getting stuff done as I was about that, then stuff would actually get done. He only ever asked me to do one thing...

He also has a time consuming passion that he doesn’t indulge much. When I pointed out that he is free to spend as much of his time as he likes, with my full support and cups of tea, his response was that he’s adding value to the house.

I have so many examples of times he’s lost it and will still argue his side. In my heart I know he’s way off but it’s so odd when the person you don’t understand is the person who holds up the mirror to who you are.

So I just wanted to say a big thank you - it’s been invaluable writing it all down and reading advice from total strangers with no bias or motive. I won’t show him this - I’d hear all sorts about what kind of people you are.

Thank you

Ltb.

He was encouraging about your hobby, but entirely on his terms, is that right? Within the times he chose, for reasons which he specified? He gets to set the ten commandments in your home about what is of value to the house and exactly how much passion you are allowed to put into what - and you have to go along with those rules. You don't get to say "No, those are not my values, I value X more."

I’m not blameless in all of this
Yes, you are also an imperfect partner (because we all are in some way). But your complaint is not about him being imperfect; it is more specific. He doesn't want to discuss the specific subject of your complaint (him sabotaging your calls), as he can't defend that specific behaviour. So he is moving the argument up to a much more general level (him being imperfect), because he can argue on that level by pointing out your imperfection. Take the argument back down to the specific level again.

It’s posts like these which are why single women love the relationships forums

You read threads like this & feel utterly grateful to not be stuck in a relationship with someone so insidiously nasty & undermining.

He is sabotaging you & doesn’t care about you being happy. Then he is gaslighting you when you get upset at him being rude & distracting you.

He sounds like an insecure loser IMO

@Slippersandacuppa
How are you op?