Bit of perspective please

[Slippersandacuppa]

I was wondering if you could please let me know if I’m being completely unreasonable and unfair.

I’ve just had the same argument with DH and it makes me feel like I am actually losing my grip on reality.

I have a zoom call commitment every other week for about 2 or 3 hours. I’ve committed to it and take it seriously. For some reason, this irritates the hell out of DH. Without fail, he will come in to whichever room I’m in and start trying to get my attention, either by doing something ridiculous or by talking. He knows I won’t talk to him because he knows it’s not important. This is the case with other things too. He always has to know who I’m on the phone with or texting or what I’m reading.

Anyway, I know it sounds trivial - I’m trying to be brief. Tonight really upset me. This call was something I am really passionate about. He came in, lay on the floor with the dog and started making really rude comments about the other people on the call, what they were talking about etc. I ignored him and he finally left. I’m so fed up of being happy about something and him just taking the wind out of my sails. I spoke to him after the call had finished and asked why he felt the need to do that. That was a can of worms I should have left alone.

He said I’ve brought the problem into the house so he is allowed to react to it. He finds the whole thing ridiculous and I know he’s always honest so what do I expect. I shouldn’t be so over sensitive. He can’t say anything without me over reacting and getting upset. He blames my childhood, where nothing was ever hard or criticised (his words).

I said that I couldn’t understand why someone would do something that they know would upset someone they love. Again. He said it’s not his fault if he reacts to a ridiculous situation and I should just laugh about it with him.

I can’t even explain. Sorry - I want to shout but we’re getting nowhere :(

@Slippersandacuppa

I really don’t know. I do dream of a quieter life sometimes. I know this isn’t great for the kids but I’m not sure it’s bad enough to turn what they know upside down. I sometimes sort of think it’s inevitable but I’m not sure I’ve got the guts or whatever you call it. The weird thing is, I don’t think anyone would be surprised.

Only you can decide whether or not it's worth it. I wasted two years with a tosspot who acted exactly as you are describing. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to leave. But I'm still glowing every day that I did leave him. I'm with a man now who wouldn't dream of behaving the way your partner is. It's cruel. I look back at my old relationship and cringe at what I put up with.

I’m glad you are happy! And sorry you had to deal with crap.

I think if I ever do leave, I’d rather be alone.

@Slippersandacuppa

I’m glad you are happy! And sorry you had to deal with crap.

I think if I ever do leave, I’d rather be alone.

That's ok too. Your happiness should be the priority. I don't think your partner is prioritising your happiness. But neither are you by putting up with his behaviour.

I hope you're ok.

Thank you, it really has been so calming to get it all out here and be heard and not judged.

Thank all of you.

I don’t know what to do now though. I feel trapped.

@Slippersandacuppa

Thank you, it really has been so calming to get it all out here and be heard and not judged.

Thank all of you.

I don’t know what to do now though. I feel trapped.

You can do whatever you want to do. You're clearly a strong person as you're already doing the things you want to do and not letting your partner drag you down.

You can take your time. There are plenty of people on here who can give great advice but if you have family or friends you can confide in, that would be far better. Earlier you said no one would be surprised. You should probably talk to someone close to you. They'll be able to give you more than strangers on Mumsnet can.

Zoom Call - step by step resolution to your problem.

Do you have headphones? Use them.

Put your microphone on Mute and only unmute when you speak.

Find out the option to add a background and make everything behind you not visible to other people on Zoom. Mountain, jungle, see view etc.

Ignore the annoying bustard.

He's made you get rid of your wardrobe and chest of drawers?!

No words...well, no polite ones anyway.

Im so sorry, op, you must live under the most dreadful strain and you deserve so much better.

That happy, calm life in your dream home will be yours.

@ifitpleasesandsparkles last post is a great one - there's no rush to make a final decision or to act it out, it takes time.

That sounds such a joyless way to live. In the short term, could you put a bolt on your door? Hell would freeze over before I'd be waiting on him with meals or ironing his shirts or taking a flicker of interest in his work while he's behaving like this. What does he mean - 'you brought the problem into the house'? The problem of pursuing an interest that ultimately makes you independent of him?
But he won't change. Take your time and plan your getaway.
He thinks he's an Alpha Male. But only a very pathetic little man would be so insecure he'd behave like this. Maybe tell him that.

Lying on the floor with the dog making rude remarks about people you were on a zoom call with?

Jesus.

I'd have stamped on his face. Why would you tolerate this? He's pathetic.

Why have you to get rid of your wardrobe? where have your clothes to go?
I’m actually quite alarmed at his behaviour, he is very very controlling and wants you stuck at home being a good wee wife.
I’d be asking him to leave, this is no way to live, it’s also very sad that your 11 yr old has recognised his twisted ways.

He's not happy that you are exploring options in life that interest you.
He wants it all to be about him. His opinions, his feelings. He's actually given you an absolute corker of a response when he bangs our his pathetic justifications and immature opinions.
Next time when he's banging on about you bringing your interests into your home and doing things like that to someone you love. Just say. " Like you do to me then?"

Tell your friends and family you want to leave. I have a feeling they will be fully supportive.

Noone is trapped. It is fear of the unknown, which can be paralysing. I get that.

But this man could be dangerous too. I would plan in secret

God - he is controlling the whole household with his moods, isn't he? And he's got rid of your wardrobe and chest of drawers so you have nowhere to put your stuff?

I don't think you are overreacting here op, I think you are underreacting. The man is a nasty, nasty control freak.

Leave. My god he sounds insufferable.

OP when is he leaving?

I lived like that for 22 years in the end it was the cognitive dissonance that got me, two years later I'm still in recovery. He is still the same controlling abusive entitled trying to make himself the centre of the universe

There's help out there for you, the further away you get from the relationship the more you will see it.

Isolating you is very affective at controlling your reality

Please be very careful as you become educated about your situation and start to show signs of cottoning onto what he is doing, these sort of people turn very nasty very quickly because they believe that they own you.

Google Stockholm syndrome, freedom programme, Lundy Bancroft, the sunken costs fallacy, women's aid or any local DV charities.

Ps the number of our friends who came forward to tell me how insufferable they thought the stbxh was was really eye opening in part because they didn't say anything due to the fact I would always defend him and wouldn't believe them. However they saw it all

Not all friends were supportive though and those are the ones I let go of

Thanks all for taking the time to reply. It makes me feel relieved that I’m not overreacting or going mad. I will pick a family member to talk to about it all. I’ve woken up with a headache, he’s woken up in a great mood. Singing, dancing around the kitchen. He joked, saying, ‘ahhh, did I ruin your evening again...’ I’ve said he always creates these clouds that hang over my memories but he just doesn’t see it. If I run through the list, it’s just the fault of someone or something else that has created the situation.

I can’t quite describe it though - with the wardrobe thing, he’s not doing it so I don’t have a wardrobe. He genuinely thinks if we just get rid of stuff, we will be spurred into action and get better stuff.

Keep your wardrobe......... just that.

How dare he tell you to get rid of it.

I will do, thank you. The thing is, it feels like a cycle. I do think his behaviour is off so tell him, we fight, he’ll apologise or the conversation will just keep going until I can’t be bothered, then he’ll be fine again. Friends know I find things awkward with him - he doesn’t compromise and I’m happy to, which makes for tricky evenings sometimes. So many of them tell him they love his refreshing honesty though.

"Take him breakfast, lunch and dinner unless he comes into the kitchen to make it himself. Ask him how it’s going; always knock, always interested in what he’s got to say"
Gosh. I'm stunned. You make his breakfast and bring it to him. That is mothering him.
You have taken the role of servile mother figure without noticing. Look at your own role in this. Imagine there is a camera in the corner of the rooms. Look at yourself carrying a breakfast in to 'sir'. Knocking on 'sir's' door first. You are a co-creator of the dynamic.
He is treating you as if he is the golden son and you are his mother. You feed him, soothe his feelings, ask how he is. Can you see how you have made him the dominant person. You allow him the space, all the airtime, because you don't make demands for yourself or see yourself as of equal importance.
This is a learned pattern of responding. Women put their own needs aside for men
The 'Dad' figure gets the remote control. He gets to watch his sport while Mummy sits quietly enduring it. Dad is allowed rant incessantly while Mummy says, 'I know dear'.
You put you own needs aside because its uncomfortable for you currently to concentrate on your own feelings and your own importance. It's a codependent pattern we learn in our childhoods.
There's a good book called 'Co bully No More' by Judith Carmody which will resonate with you I think. Also you can do counselling for yourself if you can find a private space away from himself.

He's undermining you in so many ways.
I think it boils down to me not being available for him
All his bad behaviour is your fault, right?
Does he ever suggest that you're lucky he puts up with you?

If you do get out of this relationship at some point, as time goes by, you'll see more and more things for what they really were.

Hang around on the relationships threads a bit more. Some can be a bit bonkers, but it can be useful for learning to recognise patterns of behaviour.

Yes, I do recognise that. Definitely, we watch what he wants to watch, he would never watch anything about my interest but I wouldn’t expect him to.

The alternative is just miserable. Anything for an easy life. I’ve found myself talking to my eldest son in terms of how he will treat his loved one. If he sees something that happens, I feel the need to remind him that that is not how you treat someone you care for. I’ll have a look for the book; thank you.

What’s his plan then? I don’t understand what he’s aiming for?

Long term have a think about your career. You sound like you get on with people which is a hugely valuable quality!

Sorry to say but as PPs have said, once mutual respect has gone from a marriage ... :(