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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bit of perspective please

174 replies

Slippersandacuppa · 10/02/2021 23:48

I was wondering if you could please let me know if I’m being completely unreasonable and unfair.

I’ve just had the same argument with DH and it makes me feel like I am actually losing my grip on reality.

I have a zoom call commitment every other week for about 2 or 3 hours. I’ve committed to it and take it seriously. For some reason, this irritates the hell out of DH. Without fail, he will come in to whichever room I’m in and start trying to get my attention, either by doing something ridiculous or by talking. He knows I won’t talk to him because he knows it’s not important. This is the case with other things too. He always has to know who I’m on the phone with or texting or what I’m reading.

Anyway, I know it sounds trivial - I’m trying to be brief. Tonight really upset me. This call was something I am really passionate about. He came in, lay on the floor with the dog and started making really rude comments about the other people on the call, what they were talking about etc. I ignored him and he finally left. I’m so fed up of being happy about something and him just taking the wind out of my sails. I spoke to him after the call had finished and asked why he felt the need to do that. That was a can of worms I should have left alone.

He said I’ve brought the problem into the house so he is allowed to react to it. He finds the whole thing ridiculous and I know he’s always honest so what do I expect. I shouldn’t be so over sensitive. He can’t say anything without me over reacting and getting upset. He blames my childhood, where nothing was ever hard or criticised (his words).

I said that I couldn’t understand why someone would do something that they know would upset someone they love. Again. He said it’s not his fault if he reacts to a ridiculous situation and I should just laugh about it with him.

I can’t even explain. Sorry - I want to shout but we’re getting nowhere :(

OP posts:
ravenmum · 11/02/2021 10:39

(I'm guessing this is not the perspective you meant. Do ignore if you think it's OTT!)

billyt · 11/02/2021 10:46

Slippers,

It must feel like everyone on her his ganging up on you. I suppose we are, because looking at this from the outside we can all see what he is doing.

billyt · 11/02/2021 10:51

here is not her his

bloody keyboard/fat fingers Grin

Original poster
Slippersandacuppa · 11/02/2021 10:54

I couldn’t actually believe it when he was saying it all last night: I thought he was joking. Me and my family are generally content, stable and happy. He sees this as a weakness. Humans evolve through questioning and struggling, nothing great has ever come from mediocrity. He had to fight his way out of a rubbish childhood. He does see him self as better than most people. His favourite put down (he is critical of most people) is that they are just a low quality human being, I can’t stand it. He does think he is more intelligent and better at most things than other people.

He has said he’s going to cook for himself, clean his clothes and keep himself to himself in his office so he isn’t a burden on me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Slippersandacuppa · 11/02/2021 10:56

Billy my autocorrect is nuts!

It doesn’t. Well maybe, but in a kind way. I would feel like shaking me but when I talk to him it doesn’t make sense any more.

OP posts:
ifitpleasesandsparkles · 11/02/2021 10:57

@Slippersandacuppa

I couldn’t actually believe it when he was saying it all last night: I thought he was joking. Me and my family are generally content, stable and happy. He sees this as a weakness. Humans evolve through questioning and struggling, nothing great has ever come from mediocrity. He had to fight his way out of a rubbish childhood. He does see him self as better than most people. His favourite put down (he is critical of most people) is that they are just a low quality human being, I can’t stand it. He does think he is more intelligent and better at most things than other people.

He has said he’s going to cook for himself, clean his clothes and keep himself to himself in his office so he isn’t a burden on me.

I'd say "thanks, that's great" and get on with my life. See how long he can keep the charade up. It's all just games. And in the meantime I'd be sorting my affairs and making a plan to leave.

ravenmum · 11/02/2021 11:00

He mentioned evolution - I wonder if he was actually referring to narcissism, which can be seen as a successful evolutionary trait (in some ways!).
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/head-games/201606/how-narcissists-got-way

I wonder if he's aware of his behaviour, but unlike most narcissists, who deny that anything is "wrong", he's instead decided that narcissism is a good thing.

People can't help having a disorder. It's not a moral failing. But obviously not something everyone would live with. If he does have a disorder, that doesn't mean you would just have to shrug your shoulders and say "In sickness and in health".

MindGrapes · 11/02/2021 11:21

I’ve suggested it but he can’t see that he has anything to explore or work on. He is who is. He’s smart and likes to question.

I'm sorry but did he say this, in all seriousness? He likes to question, but nothing to do with himself or his own behaviour?
Do you suspect he might actually be a bit...thick...? To say this sort of stuff and expect it to sound convincing or consistent?

MindGrapes · 11/02/2021 11:24

To be fair, Albert Einstein was notorious for rolling on the floor with a dog during other people's Zoom calls Wink

Original poster
Slippersandacuppa · 11/02/2021 11:32

He has just come in saying he can’t concentrate. He thinks it’s really unfair that I’m placing all of the responsibility of our arguments on him. It takes two to tango, l’m not innocent in all of this.

OP posts:
TheChip · 11/02/2021 11:35

Keeping to himself lasted long then didn't it lol

Shoxfordian · 11/02/2021 11:39

No he clearly wants an argument

HollowTalk · 11/02/2021 11:40

He'll have forgotten his vow to cook for himself by lunchtime.

How would you like to live your life, OP. I think Covid in particular has shown us how short life can be and how unexpectedly it can end.

There is an alternative to living how you do now, but it'll take some strength on your part. It's really meaningful that you say people wouldn't be surprised if you split up.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 11/02/2021 11:43

@Slippersandacuppa

I couldn’t actually believe it when he was saying it all last night: I thought he was joking. Me and my family are generally content, stable and happy. He sees this as a weakness. Humans evolve through questioning and struggling, nothing great has ever come from mediocrity. He had to fight his way out of a rubbish childhood. He does see him self as better than most people. His favourite put down (he is critical of most people) is that they are just a low quality human being, I can’t stand it. He does think he is more intelligent and better at most things than other people.

He has said he’s going to cook for himself, clean his clothes and keep himself to himself in his office so he isn’t a burden on me.

Ah, the baby Eugenicist is going in the garden to eat worms.

He's never going to improve. If he stays in there for a bit (and it won't be long until he thinks of another way to get your attention), you can get on with things - like reading - and when he comes out with 'I'm leaving!', like a small child's tantrum, the best option would be to say 'OK.' It'll make your life easier than having to get him out.

BTW, I bet nobody tells you they find his 'honesty' refreshing.

namitynamechange · 11/02/2021 11:44

There is no point arguing with him. I understand why you dont feel saying what we have said here will have any effect - because it won't. I am all for communication in general, but you have alrready told him you dont like the way he acts and he is determined not to change. So telling him again about how you feel will be like tissue hitting the wall as you say.
And by the way, if you had not had a happy childhood he would be using that against you instead "you are only like this because your dad left/because your mum had issues/your crazy because of your childhood." He cant find anything in your past to use against you, so he is using THAT against you instead.

Original poster
Slippersandacuppa · 11/02/2021 11:47

There’s no way I would read in front of him, he thinks I spend so much time looking after the things we have in our life and not enough on sorting the house out. He keeps saying I shouldn’t be spending time with the animals when there’s so much to do at home. There is but that’s because he wanted a big house. I didn’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
Slippersandacuppa · 11/02/2021 11:49

Nameit yes I agree. And funnily enough, he says he married me because of these qualities.

OP posts:
Fortunefavours1 · 11/02/2021 11:51

He has conditioned you to think he has 'given' you everything, a home, children. What nonsense is this? You married each other and made a home TOGETHER, had children TOGETHER.

He clearly sees himself as a benevolent god who has given you everything you have. You are the lesser being here whom he has seen fit to help 'evolve' like a pet project. He, of course, has moved onto higher realms of evolution.

This would all be laughably preposterous if it wasn't your reality.

TaraR2020 · 11/02/2021 12:03

Because he's not 'winning' the argument.

When you said he works in banking, I thought "Ah!" There are a lot of men in that industry (not all of them) who have the attitude that if they provide everything materially for their wives, their wives have nothing to complain about.

His ego and obnoxiousness would also serve him well in this industry.

I understand what you mean about his reasoning for getting rid of your wardrobe, but the point is this demonstrates his lack of care and respect for you because normally people wait for the new set to arrive - or have at least ordered it - first!

You say your mot sure the upheaval of splitting would be worth it for your children, but I wonder if they wouldn't be relieved?

It sounds as if they find living with him oppressive and you already explain to your son that he shouldn't imitate his father's treatment of women. So either they will copy him or they will sit there wondering why on earth you stay! I suspect the latter.

I hope you're headache has eased a bit Flowers

Original poster
Slippersandacuppa · 11/02/2021 12:05

You are all lovely to take the time to answer. Nope, headache still there but it’s nice to not feel like I have to go and pander!

OP posts:
dancingbymyself · 11/02/2021 12:08

He wants to isolate you, control you, and use you to make himself feel superior.

I also suspect, as another PP has suggested, that he is not very intelligent and is desperately trying to cover it up. BUT he is very good at manipulating you.

Fortunefavours1 · 11/02/2021 12:09

When he realises you're starting to see through him, it's my guess he'll begin snivelling about how much he loves you, he did everything out of love, doesn't know where he went wrong, only ever wanted the best for you. Etc

I'd be telling him I want respect as an individual. That respect is more important than love to me.

There's a quote, 'much harm has been done in the name of love, but no harm can be done in the name of respect'.

PussGirl · 11/02/2021 12:30

My XH was certain he was superior to other people. He'd often announce he was more intelligent than me & our DS Hmm

Also very jealous of any hobbies I had & would try to sabotage them. So wearing over time.

namitynamechange · 11/02/2021 12:54

@Slippersandacuppa

There’s no way I would read in front of him, he thinks I spend so much time looking after the things we have in our life and not enough on sorting the house out. He keeps saying I shouldn’t be spending time with the animals when there’s so much to do at home. There is but that’s because he wanted a big house. I didn’t.
What is coming across is that no matter how much housework you will do, he will never be happy because he doesnt just want all your labour, he wants your mind and soul. Therefore you will NEVER be allowed to develop any interests, ambitions or hobbies of your own without generating trouble and undermining from him. The being triggered by you reading is very common for abusive/controlling men I think because you are entering a world without them and they HATE that. I would try to read the Bancroft book when he isnt around though (on the loo if you have too). I think you will find it helpful.
Fortunefavours1 · 11/02/2021 13:02

@namitynamechange
Your post makes so much sense to me.
My abusive ex husband hated me reading, I didn't know this was common in controlling relationships. I lost couht of the number of books and magazines of mine he hid or threw away. I actually told my sister, it's like he wasn't happy just controlling me, he wanted to own my soul, my mind, my thoughts, my opinions, EVERYTHING.

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