Loneliness after separation

[havecourage8bekind]

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

@beachtrip do you think you'd reply if he did resurface? I think I might plan a little valentines tea for the kids...get them some flowers & set a nice table for tea. God it's sad

@havecourage8bekind - 20 years is a long time but the last 5 I have spent emotionally and psychologically detaching from him. Also I have known from the start that I couldn't really rely on him for practical things or financial support so I have been very self reliant in that respect.

Also I think in some ways once you get to the 20 years or thereabout mark you either are really cemented together (not necessarily happily) or you are living together but separate lives. All the excitement or bloom or romance has gone (unless you have a really good relationship I suppose!) So I probably find it easier now than I would have if I had broken up after only 10 years because I would have at that point harboured doubts that maybe he really would change or maybe I didn't work hard enough at it. Now I know the answers to both (no and no.)

I have never liked or cared about Valentine's Day and neither did my ex so there is no difference really.

Children do help with the loneliness in that they provide love and companionship and a sense of purpose but you can't and shouldn't rely on them for adult conversation or support.

@havecourage8bekind

If I reply it will be something terribly pointless to amuse myself like "HOLY FUCK! I DID NOT KNOW GHOSTS HAD PHONES?!?"
And a gif of someone screaming

Posted too soon.

I don't think I would bother engaging. What's the point? Ghosting is the height of rudeness and just cruel. So much better off without.

@fairypangolin
This idea of not working hard enough at it. I totally get that. It's the reason I stayed with a previous ex for so long. Felt I had to try every option. But if one of you is filling the glass while the other sits watching refusing to help... never gonna work,
Glad you sound concrete in your decision

Yup! I agree. It shouldn’t feel like crazy hard work. I’m enjoying some aspects of single life despite being lonely. I’m setting up new routines & starting to slowly enjoy my own company & like myself.

I really need to start learning to like myself and validate myself instead of seeking approval elsewhere. I want to be the best version of myself before allowing anyone into my life. Just feels like such a long road ahead..

Can I join? Split with husband of three years just before Christmas, had to force him to leave the house last week. Now I'm all alone with high energy dog and two cats in a cottage in the middle of nowhere that we were meant to be renovating together. It's a lot more peaceful and I don't feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time, but all the million things to do are getting on top of me, and being all alone in lockdown. I get these pangs of feeling so sad and lonely over the little things, like no one to make a cup of tea - always my turn now!

@irishoak can the to do list wait? I found that after my split I busied myself (and stressed myself out) trying to get everything done and kept on top of...when actually what I needed to do was just heal for a little bit x

@irishoak

My marriage was a similar length to yours even though the relationship was very long. It ain’t easy ... but we’ll get there!

After seeing a thread on here earlier about a Netflix show "jigsaw" I decided to give it a watch. Wow! Definitely recommend but only if you have a dark sense of humour. But he touches base on relationships and how we are conditioned to believe that we will always be happier in a relationship and that being alone isn't a good thing. He's a believer that you must be happy alone before you can have anyone else love you. He said, and this has hit me hard (I listened to him say it about 5 times!) "if you only love yourself 20%, then someone could come along and love you 30% and you will feel like that's amazing when in reality it's less than half..but if you love yourself 100% then someone's really got to be special to get to love you properly" wow

@havecourage8bekind

Thanks. That hits me very hard. I wish I had been thinking like that 20 years ago but we are where we are!

Do you ever see those women whose men treat them so well? I bet their self-love quotient is higher than 20%!

I’m thinking of doing some OLD but every time I set up a profile I end up deleting it the same day as I’m not remotely attracted to any of the men on the site! However I’m thinking of trying again...not looking for a big relationship but some chats & a bit of a change would be nice. Lockdown helps as it forces things to go slowly.

@irishoak - the ONLY thing I miss about my ex is that he used to get up first on the weekends and make the coffee and bring me a cup in bed. Oh and he used to clean out the cat's litterbox. That's it.

I’ll join. Wife left marriage of 22 years to be with a OM, sudden unhappiness with our relationship. Anyway bounced back and forth the last year and so between coming back and leaving the loneliness is horrible. I miss the daily texts and conversations and just having a cuddle. Sound like a sado lol but no mates to and parents both gone so yeah it’s hard when there has been someone there most of my life and is now gone (not to mention the mind fuck being left for someone else does).

Have you heard of the phrase * you made your bed now lie in it,!! You don't say the reasons you split,? But there are lots of chat groups you Join join to pass the hours during lockdown and who knows somebody may come into your life when you least expect it

Can I join please? I feel like a bit of a fraud though, as due to lockdown we still live in the same house, but I often think that's worse at times. Reminds me everyday how far apart we now are, and doesn't allow you to really turn the page in your head/life

@feeficken

I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. May you come out of this stronger. There are lots of amazing books out there. That helped me a lot through the worst of it. &

@mummyof2lou

I agree! I was in your situation & I didn’t really move on & separate from H until I moved out. All you can do is your best. I did my best to maintain harmony while still living with him because I figured it wasn’t worth fighting about anymore. You’ll get through it. Things will change.

@feeficken that sounds tough!

Not sure what the point of aardvarks post was.
We don't have to explain why our relationships failed. We're all here just trying to get through this loneliness. Without pointing the finger.

@mummyof2lou that is harder. Definitely.
I split from exh 5 years ago. But for 6 months we stayed living together and that was far far worse then him moving out immediately. So much worse. I feel for you. Just focus on the day you can move on. Each day is a step closer

I've woken up this morning, to grumpy kids, looked outside and the snow has covered everything and it looks so pretty and calming and I've no one to share it with.
Sure I can send a photo to my friends or sister and they will of course respond. But it's not that someone is it.
Still struggling with being ghosted. Because it's so cowardly and painful.
I just feel so unwanted. I know that's not the case and this says more about him then me. But I deserved better.

Just as lonely on the male side, wrong side of 50, last relationship ended couple of years back, now full time WFH for almost a year so not even people in work to talk to, so am alone at lot now

Morning everyone and welcome to the lonely club for the new arrivals! So cold here today...I've got a therapy zoom session soon and I'm dreading it, always hard revisiting stuff I suppose. I agree, you're all more than welcome to share why your relationship broke down etc but you don't have to as it doesn't define us or make loneliness any easier/harder. We are all doing the best we can right now x

@changeispossible good luck with OLD if you do try it - keep us posted! Just don't emotionally invest, I think lockdown makes it easier to become too involved via text and then they don't live up to it! X

@feeficken that's rough :( you've got this!!

I'm separated after a 17 year marriage and a fling which ended up hurting me last year. I'm blessed with my DDs but am lonely and sad. A lot of my colleagues are cosying up with partners during lockdown which hurts my heart a little. I've resigned myself to being single due to my low self esteem and feeling worthless, but I think this is the worst time ever to go it alone!

@mummyof2lou I can't even imagine how awful that must be. Hope you're being kind to yourself, things will get better and this is all just temporary. Xxx @beachtrip I'm sure you're me in disguise! Also woke up with two grumpy children and the snow looks beautiful. I felt a pang of sadness yesterday when we went on a snowy walk and I snapchatted my friends the beautiful frozen river with a swan on it...but would've been lovely to have someone holding my hand enjoying it with me xx