Loneliness after separation

[havecourage8bekind]

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

@Pleasebe2022 well done! Very tough decision and hard thing to do but you've done it now. I can really relate to what you say about your marriage. I too felt I did everything anyway and he wasn't there for my needs etc... it's so hard as it is like a constant feeling of betrayal when they can't be the husband you need but then you doubt yourself and wonder are you asking for too much... we definitely aren't.

I'm in the south of the country too. We should have a meet up at some point if anyone fancied that! I won't put exactly where I am publicly.

I'm not sure I'm ready to date either tbh. I've dabbled with old but it manly depresses the hell out of me. I managed to meet a guy who is decent (I think... ) so we have had a casual thing going for a year. It's nice to have a bit of company now and then. Equally if he ghosted me I'd be ok with that. Sometimes life is easier on your own!

@Pleasebe2022 they are 15,13,10 now, so all 2 years younger when we told them. The middle one struggled the most but they are all used to it now.

I think because most of my separation so far has been in lockdown I have yet to reap the full benefit but conversely am so glad everyday that I didn’t have to spend lockdown with my ex in the toxic environment we had when together.

@newlysinglemum58 definitely up for a get together but it would have time be in the few hours a week I'm not working or looking after kids. No idea yet how I manage a night out.

Kids dad is here tonight as hes done school pick up. Hes so easily agitated with the kids. I thought he would be much calmer for not seeing them much but hes desperate to get back to his flat so he can work. Hes sat there telling our daughter he will never live back here. It still hurts a bit even though I dont want him back and if he did ask I would say no. I do worry I'll get to hate him because theres underlying resentment I'm trying to hide to be pleasant. At least I see him less I suppose.

He seemed to be backing off the kids but still talks about them living with him and that's my biggest fear. Oldest is 8 now and I really couldnt bear her to choose to live with him.

I've been really sad the last few days and it still breaks my heart to see kids so upset. I'm stressed about stuff at work I wouldnt normally be stressed about.

Mainly now I'm trying to just look forward to getting my hair done in 2 weeks and my 2nd covid vacs next week.

@mayzee why do you think your middle child struggled more with the breakup than the others?.

Yeah a meet would be good at some point but not easy to find a day/time!

Don't see why he thinks kids will live with him. Surely 50/50 or thereabouts is the fairest split so kids get time with both parents just as you should if you lived together.... I think back to when we lived together and how I did so much more of the parenting anyway that it wasn't a fair division at all! I expect this happens in a lot of families too where one parent does more than the other...

Hope everyone's ok. I've had a bit of a stressy week at times. Some days I feel on top of things and like I am doing ok other days just don't feel there's enough me to go around home/work/kids/self care (what's that?!) so I'm doing what I can and trying not to be too hard on myself really. We are only human.

Wishing everyone a good day and weekend and hoping this sunshine sticks around. Lift the spirits doesn't it? 🌞

Hey happy weekend - nearly to you too.
My STBXH took kids at 7.30 for breakfast club this morning and I managed a shower and some body maintenance and dog hair brushing before work. I'm working at home so it's easier. If he still lived here I would never have had that time. He would have got up last minute and gone straight into his office. So I actually feel I get more me time now, but its week 1.

So wise people. What are your thoughts on moving? I will need to double my mortgage to buy him out. It will really stretch me. I have a new permanent job (woohoo) starting may 1st. Same place I've been contracting at for a year. I now have some security. I live in a gorgeous village but I'm not overly fond of the house. Kids are at a new school 30 mins away. They like the school and so do I but the surrounding area is very built up and im not keen to live there. This is in the south.

My parents live near birmingham and they have supported me a lot over the years. If I moved nearer them I could get a decent house and enough to pay off ex without increasing monthly payments. I'd be closer to parents for help with kids. Ex says it's ok for me to go. I dotn have many friends in my village and kids dont have any school friends here. I have best friends nearby but I'd only be going 1.5 hours away so could still drive down to see them. Work have an office near my parents I could move to. So my concerns are more change for the children. They moved school in jan this year and are now dealing with the separation. They are 8 and 4. They would love to be nearer grandparents but wouldnt see their dad as much. Is it too much change? Should I stay put for a while or just do it and get it over with? I feel like a fresh start and I'd like to live somewhere I can have local friends and the kids can too. Also I still want a decent house without crippling myself financially. Thanks.

If your ex is on board it seems like a no brainer to move. With children the ages of yours, having that family support would be invaluable when you are also working The house price would swing it also as the property market is only going up and up making regular houses out of reach for ordinary working people.
How would access work from a distance? Would EOW and half the holidays be enough for your ex and would you be ok with that? Would you end up doing all of the driving 1.5 hours each way drop and collect or would he do one and you the other?
Do you get on with your parents and would living nearer to them be good for you?
What about schools, would you be able to get your kids into similar standard schools in the new area?
Just a few things to think about while you make your decision. It’s not easy but half the battle in any move decision is the ex so if he’s not blocking it then it makes life a lot easier.
I think their ages make it a little easier as they are usually deal with changes easier when they are younger. The big change has happened and they are ok.

why do you think your middle child struggled more with the breakup than the others?

He struggles with emotional regulation as he has ADHD - and also was super close to his dad and really thought that he wouldn’t see him again once he moved out! He’s better about it now as he sees his dad plenty and understands we are not getting back together.

Hi all. How are you?.

I've had a bad week. Ex seems to be going back on all the stuff has agreed. We really cant communicate and everything I say he interprets in a negative way. I've realised I constantly try to protect him from stuff because of his depression but hes thown that back in my face. I need to be selfish. I spoke to a financial advisor and he can get me the money I need to pay off ex. So that's great. I need a solicitor for the consent order so I'm sorting that next week.
Hes moaning he didnt get any house furniture but I said he could take half of everything like 2 beds and a sofa etc and he chose not to take them. He always blames me for everything.

He has the kids today. I was supposed to go for coffee with a friend but shes cancelled so I'm looking at a day of working and doing housework. I feel upset about it but will have to get used to it.

I've booked to see professor brian cox at the local theatre by myself. Thing is that ex used to book with me and then not come anyway.

It's hard to see my daughter so upset about it all. For me I just feel relief but it's a shock to her.

How are the rest of you doing?

@Pleasebe2022 sorry to hear you're having a tough time. It's still early days for you in this process and it's definitely hard with that adjustment to living separately and figuring out the dynamics of co-parenting... and trying to do it in an amicable way. It's hard I guess hence why so many don't achieve it. Be easy on yourself as it's just all v new.

I've been a bit up and down again. I'm trying to declutter the house and garage and it's a lot of work on my own while also trying to hold down a full time job etc. Think I'm trying to do too much but I'm awful for biting off more than I can chew them berating myself when it takes longer and is more chaotic than expected.

We've just accumulated so much over the years and I really want only what we need. Think having it sorted will give me peace of mind and allow space to enjoy life a bit rather than feel weighed down by this stuff.....

Having some work stresses too (bitchiness etc) which is stressing me out. It never rains does it?!

Sometimes I just feel so sad and angry that this is how my life has turned out. I don't regret my choice - I was in an unhappy unfulfilling marriage where I generally felt unsupported and unloved. But doing this alone really isn't a lot of fun when you've got two very full on kids. It's hard and oftentimes feels a joyless and lonely existence x

@newsinglemum58 im sorry your struggling too.
i too am trying to clear out the house and ive been clearing the attic and shed and trying to sell things. I have 5 jobs i think ill get done on a Saturday when ex has kids and i get max 1 done. I want to get rid of some of the wardrobes in my room so i can fit a vanity desk in. I just havent managed it yet.
My 2 kids are both full on too and they really miss their dad. My 4 year olds behaviour has got bad and i think its related.

ex continues to be an arse. He is supposed to come every day but has just told me we wont see him until friday as his car is knackered. Also his counsellor says he has to leave at 8pm no matter what him and the kids are doing as they need to get used to routine and time. FFS the youngest is 4. He doesnt know about time! Much better to finish watching the film or building the lego etc before you go. Aggghh. I can see why people dont manage to stay amicable. This is such hard work.

@Newsinglemum58 give yourself a break. do you have much time without the children? If you do then dont fill it with 'jobs'. Just rest a bit too. Its not wasted time. Im the same in that i have a senior job and work full time and am finding it hard.

It is amazing that the more people i tell the more most people seem to be in a second marriage which i hadnt realised. I would never get married again but i look at my kids and they are getting older and this wont be forever.

Chin up and big hugs xx

Hi can I join you all. I have just separated after 18 years. We have two boys age 15 and 2. The oldest one has taken it very badly. He said he feels we have grown apart and hit a brick wall. I’ve been down after putting on weight in lockdown and dealing with a demanding toddler. He’s paid me no attention for months and after loosing his job has been drinking too much. I’m annoyed as I feel he had thrown the towel in too easily moving out and leaving me to pick up the pieces. He said 2 days a week isn’t enough to see the kids. It’s just heartbreaking when somebody tells you they don’t love you anymore. I’ve been a good partner very easy going let him pretty much do what he wants golf football and going out. I just feel so lonely. Making that one cuppa, can’t be bothered to cook for myself. I’ve lost a stone in 1.5 weeks. Please someone tell me it will get better.

@Pleasebe2022 thank you for your message. Such good advice. Why are we so hard on ourselves? I give out good advice but can't seem to take my own....
currently I don't get a huge amount of time without the kids due to my work hours, but you're right, I need to allow chill time and back off these house projects. It's turned into a bit of an obsession fuelled by my anxiety about the future of finances/selling the house/ divorce and what will happen etc...

I think you're right re the kids, they don't understand time and finishing their Lego or activity is far more important. Absolutely can see why exes fall out, this takes such a lot of effort and emotion to keep it all amicable for the kids. It's draining. But what choice do we have I suppose? The alternative seems worse in a way - being at loggerheads with them instead and the stress that would bring.

Welcome @loopylulu30. I'm sorry to hear about your situation but please join in and vent away! It's really tough to go through this and try to maintain family life and your mental health. You have kids at very different stages.... sorry your teen has taken the news hard so far. Sending hugs and strength - we are all here to listen and support. It's not easy but it is possible and if the relationship wasn't right, you'll find a way to forge a new start.

@newsinglemum58 I'm good at giving advice too but not taking it! I watched Nomadland on saturday and the film was good. It's in Disney if you have it. There were lots of jobs I could have been doing instead.

I thought when he left the I wouldnt have to spend such emotional energy in him but I now seem to be spending the energy trying to stay amicable. It is exhausting I agree.

I spoke to a solicitor yesterday and it was really useful. As its amicable I think I can do the divorce paperwork and consent order myself. People keep asking if he will come back as hes suffering so much with his depression maybe he will come back when he feels better. I dont want him back. Even when hes well again. So I think it's right to get on with the paperwork before we fall out.

@loopylulu30 it sounds like your going through a tough time. I'm only a couple of weeks separated so no Pearl's of wisdom from me. Chin up. It will get easier.

@Pleasebe2022 we've not discussed the divorce yet... I'm nervous about that! Do you have much to split? We jointly own the house and he has a good pension pot - my pension is fairly small as I gave up work for 7 years to be a sahm.

Film sounds good! I'm taking your advice and chilling out a bit... jobs can wait for now.

Not much has changed this end wife is still here, I think saving her wages for when she moves out since she not contributing at all just now to the house. Still dating the OM as well, still going about daily life like its all normal and we should all shut up and accept her choices.

In one way I do envy those where their OH has left already, of course when my wife actually does leave things just get reset and the hurt and devastation I am sure will start all over again, its exhausting.

@newsinglemum58 I'm supposed to be working but am at the hairdressers! It was the first appointment I could get so I wasnt saying no and I work in IT so take my equipment with me.

I'm buying him out with half the equity. He doesnt want any furniture and we agreed who has what car. He has a pension which I dont as I was a stay home mum for 6 years. I have savings though. So were excluding them
Weve agreed to pay half school fees each. Only issue is maintenance as he wants kids instead but I can do divorce and consent order without including that.

@feeficken your situation sounds awful. Is she hoping you will leave?

@Pleasebe2022 that did cross my mind and I did at one point move out to my own place only for her to want to try again so I moved back. At this stage I do think she is going to move and is just currently saving some money, with all the back and forth I also suspect her and OM are taking it slow (urgh makes me so mad). It is hard as part of me is still in love with her (sadly).

I was here, just over 2 years ago when I separated from my now ex husband. Living out 100s of miles from friends and family - we relocated for his work - while he was surrounded by his work people.

This too shall pass. I found it hard to believe at the time but it's true. I spent a lot of time on forums and even ended up having a trip to America with a friend I met online. I made a new friend in that period - a close friend now - going to meet up groups but most of the closeness I got was online and I think this may be helpful seeing as you have kids.

A lot of meet-up groups are by zoom now due to covid - maybe try a few.

I think the loneliness also sets in due to the empty feeling that somethings gone - once that also passes, and it will, it will also feel different.

You're not alone, so many of us have been through it and I promise you, things will feel better.

You got this xxxx

@SofiaJessica4 thanks for your post - it's great to hear that it gets better in time.... xx

@Pleasebe2022 sounds like you have it all sussed out re your divorce plans. Very organised. Hope you had a relaxing time at the salon 💇‍♀️

@feeficken I'm sorry to hear things haven't improved for you. She's really putting you through it isn't she? Sending hugs. You deserve a break.

I hope everyone has a good day today. Woke up this morning instantly knowing what type of day its going to be, one of the days I need to resist texting my wife to tell her I love her. Its one of those days where I question whats wrong with me for wanting to do that. What am I trying to achieve more hurt when there is no response?! I guess its good I am questioning myself on it now though.

Hello, can I join please? out of a relationship of 18 years after being cheated on. ex is being a nightmare. won't agree to anything - days on seeing our dd, selling the house ...nothing, it's so physically draining.

Have you seen the app Frolo? It's for single parents.. they have local meet up and zoom chats, take a look, I think it's very good....

@gonnabeok welcome and yes please join us! Sounds like you're having a tough time.... hope that things will get easier in time but we are here to listen and virtually hand hold.

I hadn't heard of that app but have just downloaded it so thanks for the tip.

@feeficken sorry you're still hurting so much. It's just not that simple is it? Genuinely loving feelings can't just be switched off.

Ive downloaded Frolo and bumble but my hearts not in itI guess its too soon and im just not in the right place for new friends. I have very little to say that would be positive as im in a difficult place currently so ill wait until things are better then reach out.

@Pleasebe2022 yeah you definitely need to be in the right place mentally and emotionally for these things. I feel I'm ready to reach out a bit although my life at the moment means I barely have time for a social life. Still not convinced I'm ready for dating or relationship stuff.... if I ever am! I'm just not good at it I think... never did dating as ex was first and final relationship so feel pretty useless when it comes to that stuff.