Loneliness after separation

[havecourage8bekind]

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

@Newsinglemum58 when i last dated i was looking for a man for the rest of my life. At that point i wasnt interested in marriage and kids i just wanted my soul mate.
I dont really know what id be looking for now. It seems very different and i dont have such a massive hole that im desperate for someone to fill it. I guess i would have to figure out what i am looking for before i go looking. And also have the time to be able to see someone.

when i think back to dating 21 years ago it makes my heart sink. I really dont want to do that again :( and now seems worse as its all online dating and that looks terrifying.

If any one on here wants to start a whats app group for more real time chat do let me know as i would be interested.

@Pleasebe2022 yep I'd be up for WhatsApp group 👍

How do we go about that though? Can we direct message each other on here?.... I know you used to be able to.

@feeficken it sounds so difficult. I would gently suggest that if she won’t leave, you should. It’s like death by a thousand cuts otherwise :( it can’t be doing your head any good knowing she’s making plans with her OM and taking advantage of you.

@Pleasebe2022 and @Newsinglemum58 I started dating last year after a year of being separated - first time I ever dated in my life as my ex was my first and only.

It’s been fun (if a little scary and grim at times😬) and a nice distraction from the whole separation stuff.
My ex and I are in mediation at the moment and any dealings I have with him are so draining. We are about to get a legally binding separation so I can buy him out and he suggested we try again after putting me through hell for the last 8 months! Not a chance.

@Mayzee there must be a tiny bit of satisfaction he wants to try again? I dont expect my ex to ask but I would say no if he did.

@Newsinglemum58 I'll try and send you a pm then we can start a WhatsApp group for anyone who wants to join.

I think my ex is slowly getting his place together and is near to being ready to have them for a night. I'm not ready for that yet. Losing control over the kids is definitely the hardest part of this for me.

Have a good day everyone.

@Pleasebe2022 It must be so hard going through this with younger kids so I really do feel for you and the others that have that added pressure, luckily we had our kids young so I am in a unique position of being 39 with adult children so I don't need to worry about that side of things thank god, plus working in IT my job is flexible so I only need to go to the office twice a week so give me time to get stuff done. That said the relationship my children have with their Mum is strained to say the least (barley talking) which is sad but I decided its not my job to repair that.

@feeficken im the opposite end of the spectrum to you as i am an older mum and had my second child when i was 42. Im 47 now. I hate being an older mum but it took 8 years of IVF to have the 2 kids so thats the reason. Male infertility too and now divorcing after going through 8 rounds of IVF for the ex is an extra bitter blow.

I just filed for divorce online. Quite easy to do. Im a bit suprised but i dont feel sad. Friends say im rushing it but if we ever got back together it wouldnt make any difference to our ability to live together - at this stage i feel i would never go back to cohabiting with him. I want the finances nailed before i give him his half of the house equity and i cant do that without filing for the divorce. He really wants the money.

It should be a big moment i suppose when you file for divorce but it just feels another thing to get done. All a bit weird. Saved myself £1500 in solicitors fees if i have done it right!

Please may I join the WhatsApp? It would be nice to have some real time chat!

@febo24 if course. PM me your number and I'll add you in.

3 years ago my ex put on his little puppy dog eyes when picking the children up from a supermarket (court ordered place) and told me how much he missed me and our little family and was there any chance of getting back together.

4 years prior to that he had hit me and I ended our marriage. My ex then tried to get me sectioned after he hit me. He also tried to take the children and cost me £40K in barrister and endless court cases. I ended up having to prove I was mentally stable but it took 9 court cases. I just looked at him. This was a man who tried to destroyed me and destroyed our children asking for a second chance. 6 months later he asked to 'come back home' the court protected me with a restraining order for 'abuse of a mental and emotional nature' for 3 years (only just lifted). Did he seriously think I would consider it.

Hey, can I join?
I separated from my husband of 10 years in September 2020. I ended things as we were unhappy for sometime and I do think I made the right decision.
We have a 9 year old daughter and Co parent well.
At first I loved the freedom and even got myself a dog to keep me busy and he is fab, I have lost 3 stone from walking him as well so never been in better shape.
However I am finding the loneliness absolutely soul crushing. I feel like I am slipping into some sort of depression as well. I have cried a lot today (also doesn't help i have a hangover and I don't have my daughter this weekend).
I have been dating, which has been fun but it also stresses me out ( was with my ex since I was 16 so dating is all new to me). Actually had a date last night but was pretty boring.
People i have dated sometimes make me feel even lonelier. I think I am craving that closeness and touch with another partner but I haven't found it yet.
I needed that rant. Hope you are all doing OK today xxx

Hey @loulousuperlou of course please join us. I can understand what you say regarding that soul crushing loneliness. I've never spent this much time on my own in my whole life and it is definitely strange. As time has gone on it's got a bit easier but it's still a complete change from having a person who you live with and share everyday life with.

I've had a friends with benefits thing this past year which has helped somewhat from the perspective of being able to have physical needs met but the emotional side is important too so I know it's not ideal or anything but for now, I guess it's something.

Anyway, chat with us and hopefully we can all support each other through this.

@loulousuperlou welcome. Well done on the 3 stone qeight loss. Thats amazing. What dog have you got? I have a collie and a small fuluffy crossbreed.

Im such early days i havent felt the loneliness yet. I have so much i want to get done in the house too i just feel busy. I had a bad saturday. Ex took the kids out and they are usually here by 4pm even though ex has them until 8p,m. His place isnt suitable for them yet so he comes here with them when he needs to and i dont mind. But they werent back and i got myself convinced they had had a car accident (i lost a family friend in an accident 30 years ago and its left me nervous). I ended up ringing ex as i was in tears. He didnt answer as he was driving and he turned up about 5 mins later. Ive learnt the lesson that i need to go out late afternoon so im not thinking about whether they are home or not.

My parents came down last week and it was so lovely of them helping out. They do so many jobs around the house and this morning the kids uniforms were ironed and ready, house was tidy for a weekend playdate. I still would like to move closer to them i think but the solicitor has advised me to stay here whilst custody is still not firmed up as im in the family home and that helps.

Hope everyone else had a good weekend.

FWB sounds good but im sure eventually i will miss having someone to have a conversation with and go to the cinema with etc.

I do want someone to talk to and share life with again, of course I know I am no where near doing that yet as I have not gone through the time I need to properly grieve my marriage and loss of future. I've not spent real time on my own (although it does feel that way with how things are) to get healthy again since my wife is still here.

Also going through a stage of wanting some intimacy which I've not had for quite some time and I am feeling a bit "off" for feeling like that as I still feel a strong loyalty to my wife.

@newsinglemum thank you 😊 . I have a choice at the moment of the slightly boring guy who wants a serious relationship, more kids marriage etc which is what I want to do again. But there is also a FWB situation with another guy I met before and he is not looking for anything serious but he is so much fun and I wouldn't try and ever make it serious with him. So I am a bit torn and terrified of making the wrong decisions. This whole being single carry on makes my head spin sometimes but I still date 😂.

@feeficken get yourself on tinder and have some rebound sex 😅 nothing to feel guilty about and it may help?

@pleasebe2022 thank you 😊 I have got a labrador so plenty of walks! I bet your two keep keep busy which is great in these early days.
I agree u should go out the house in the afternoon when he is with the kids. Do something you enjoy, even just window shopping is fab and free if u can stop yourself spending 😅