Loneliness after separation

[havecourage8bekind]

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

@beachtrip ghosting is so cowardly!!

for all!

Mine are 6&8 and you're so right.
It's better alone without ex for sure. Everything was so stressful with him around.
And I'm ok with being single, but yeah, heart wants someone to love and I want that someone for me.
The kids don't fill that void of someone to talk to and connect with. Someone who cares how your day was and wants to talk to you and tell you the tiny things that run through their head.

sigh

Someone please tell me I shouldn't think about texting my recent ghoster to tell them I miss chatting! I feel like nothing good will come of it...but my non-rational mind is telling me what's the harm in reaching out

@beachtrip yep I agree to all of that! My friend's (all married) don't get it because to them, I'm not alone...I've got the kids. But like you say, they don't fill that hole x

I'll join. Life as a single parent is lonely but I am at the end of my rope at the moment. Endless evenings alone and no adult conversation is becoming too much. I'm not sure what the answer is. It has been 2.5 years but I still don't feel confident to try and meet someone. I am slightly worried it will be this way forever.

@havecourage8bekind don't do it!!!
I feel the same way, if I'm honest. I actually just miss chatting with him and that interaction.

It is just that, exactly, married and coupled up friends don't get it. I'll reach out saying how I just need a hug and it's like... hug your kids!!
No... I need someone to hug me and tell me it's ok.

@belle40 it won't always be this way, you just got to take your time and get there when you're ready! I think the world at the moment is heightening everything for us x

@beachtrip oh my god someone who gets it! A hug from a child is not the same. Being around the kids is amazing, and a distraction...but sometimes I just want to be able to process everything without putting them first. I can be in the middle of a board game with them and just get a pang of loneliness. I miss checking my phone and having a nice text waiting, think that's the only reason I miss the ghoster! X

@havecourage8bekind
I do totally get it!
Kids are ace and we have so much fun. I'm lucky that I have a bubble as well, but I can't hang out with them everyday.
But yeah, miss having someone to talk to.
Even if I fill my evenings by calling various friends, it's still different somehow isn't it?
The connection is different... although that could be me 😂

@belle40
You absolutely won't be this way forever. Right now things are seriously tough.

I've been dating for a while now, nothing stuck until this guy. And although I've been burnt, I'll try again in time.
But right now, the loneliness is unbearable. COVID is dragging

@beachtrip yep it's definitely different! I downloaded some random chat app just to talk to people but it's full of weirdos lol! Not commited enough for tinder just yet

I separated from my husband of 20 years last summer. Up until January I was buoyed up by the intoxication of not having to deal with his crap anymore. But since then I have found loneliness building and harder to cope with. Obviously covid has a lot to do with it as the normal outlets of socialising and being at the office are not available.
The only adult I see regularly is my ex when he comes to take the kids to school and drops them off and he is the LAST person I want to chat with. Either it feels like a shallow parody of our former relationship or it gets into his problems which I have zero interest in discussing unless they affect the kids.

I call my friends and mother a lot and have good chats on the phone or via zoom but it isn't the same. Tried a bit of OLD and had a couple of dates with one fellow but it went nowhere and I don't have the energy to get through the crap to try to find someone worthwhile when we are still so constrained in terms of meeting in person. I am counting the days until spring comes and everything lightens up a bit.

@fairypangolin wow 20 years! It feels crazy for me coming out of a ten year stint so I can't even imagine 20. I feel like I don't really know who I am as a person anymore which probably sounds crazy but my whole life revolved around him and our family...now all of a sudden I'm the one that calls the shots and I'm a bit scared of it all! Was your split amicable?

Can I join please? My ex & I separated in the summer. Not divorced yet. Loneliness has become an almost normal feeling by now. Sometimes I’m tempted to run back to him because I get that lonely.

Cooking, baking, work, walking & good telly all help me. Sadly I’ve no DCs. I always thought they’d help with the loneliness but I see from this thread that that is not the case.

@changeispossible welcome to the club!! I think I need to get into some good Tele..struggling with concentration though. So ready for some fun and socialising when things ease a bit...or even just some warm weather! Kids or no kids, loneliness is an awful feeling xx

Yeah roll on the fun & socialising. Too much time to think is a bit*h!

And some medicinal chocolate helps too!

I would like all of you to try an exercise this evening for me. It's a variation of a well known meditation method -

Before bed, set aside around 5mins.
Dim the lights and make yourself cozy.
When you are comfortable, I want you to start going through a few people in your life. Picture them in you're mind's eye, smiling in front of you. Hold their hands, and tell them all the things you wish for them, things that you know they want or need, even if they are fairly happy and well adjusted. Such as -

'Emily, I wish you health and happiness. I hope you get that dream house you've been looking at recently'
'Mike, I wish you peace'
'Beth, I wish you success and energy with your business idea. I hope you find fantastic premises for it'
'Jake, I wish you well with your exams. I wish you calm and focus so you can do your best in them'
'Sarah, I wish you finally get the recognition that you deserve. I wish you the vitality and confidence to do what's right for you'.

Carry on for as long as you like and at end, imagine yourself radiating with light towards those people and smiling.

@Changeispossible

Can I join please? My ex & I separated in the summer. Not divorced yet. Loneliness has become an almost normal feeling by now. Sometimes I’m tempted to run back to him because I get that lonely.

Cooking, baking, work, walking & good telly all help me. Sadly I’ve no DCs. I always thought they’d help with the loneliness but I see from this thread that that is not the case.

@Changeispossible I think they do help, but they are not a replacement for adult company. Women who do think like that end up crippling and infantalising their children well into adulthood.

@earthsight I'm definitely going to try that sounds like a lovely thing to do!

Totally agree.
Kids help. They are obviously two little people I feel immensely for and spend my day centred around and serve as a great distraction too.
But they don't replace that adult interaction. They aren't friends.

How are we all spending Val's day then??? In denial or a day of self love? X

I've read a bit of research on it and there's a solid, neurochemical reason why it's beneficial.

One I came up with is this - go out into nature or just the garden.
Look at the grass, the plants. In every single blade or leaf, there is life. All of those plants are striving to live, to survive. They are all expanding and reaching upwards towards the light to get and make the most energy they can. You are actually not much different to those birds you see flying, those plants you have in your garden some ways. That snail that you see struggling along the path? You're all doing the same thing - trying to survive. Maybe if your senses were altered you would realise these connections. Trees communicate with each other through a largely unseen network of mycelium, yet most people are unaware of this mostly underground internet (you can look it up if you are curious about it).

All around you there is life. The more active you are in surrounding yourself with that, the more you try to make a point of acknowledging the buzzing life that's all around you in nature, even in unglamourouss places, the more connected and part of the universe you will feel. When you have a 'we're all in this together' attitude with the nature around you, that helps with loneliness.

Valentine's Day... ugh.

I'm half expecting the ghosted to pop up just after that (or on the day) Gets out of buying gifts then don't they!! Plus you know... day of loooovvve. Feed their ego's!!

I'll probably make kids pancakes or something and spend the day building Lego or going for a walk. Yay.....

@earthsight being out in nature definitely helps! Will definitely try to connect more x