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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Loneliness after separation

667 replies

havecourage8bekind · 10/02/2021 14:21

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

OP posts:
feeficken · 12/02/2021 13:40

While I still think about things its no so bad as I have work during the week but I find the weekends are much harder and the days seem to drag.

Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 12/02/2021 13:57

@beachtrip love Dua Lipa! @feeficken I'll be with you for a lonely weekend this weekend...my 2 are off to their dads x

OP posts:
Beachtrip · 12/02/2021 14:04

So, last weekend was the first one I've spent alone in months. Physically.
But even spending time with ghoster... it wasn't real.

I don't have work during the week. And find the lack of adult conversation very difficult to handle.

Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 12/02/2021 14:26

@beachtrip Did you manage to have a nice weekend alone though? I'm going to really have a pamper this weekend and try and get on top of my to-do list ready for half term. Entertaining two kids with nowhere to go is going to be...interesting lol

OP posts:
Beachtrip · 12/02/2021 15:13

Was a lovely quiet weekend.
Binge watched stuff, did some housework, cooked.
All was ace really.

Deffo do something for you.
If getting on top of the to do list helps then great. But for me it was a whole lot of doing nothing that worked for me.

Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 12/02/2021 16:19

@beachtrips a whole lot of doing nothing does sound good. They've just been picked up, ended up having to close the door in ex's face because he's mad I blocked him. About to get my coat on - off to the shop for lemonade (for the gin!) And chocolate! Hope everyone's had a good friday x

OP posts:
Itstimetoquit · 12/02/2021 16:45

Oh I think weekends are the worst,nothing good on tv,can't go out, so depressing x

Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 12/02/2021 16:46

@itstimetoquit I find walks and Netflix to be my saviour!

OP posts:
Beachtrip · 12/02/2021 17:04

I think weekends to come will get harder.
Especially as the world opens up again.

On top of ghoster, I lost my best friend last year and my father passed.

I'm extremely lucky that I have my bubble and they literally refer to us as family. I vote is over constantly. Even going for a full sleep over this weekend (me included so I can chill and have a drink without having to leave for bedtime) but that can't happen all the time.

But yeah, it's Friday night and the kids will go to bed and then it's just me again.

@havecourage8bekind what a prick. Sorry you had to go through that!

Beachtrip · 12/02/2021 17:54

*invite, not I vote

Newsinglemum58 · 12/02/2021 18:10

Yep you're not alone! Exited a 20 year relationship just as Covid started and it has been very tough! Been through lots of different emotions. I'm now reading a book called 'Single on Purpose' attempting to embrace this time, get to know myself better so I can be the best version of myself but boy is it tough?! Navigating becoming a separated parent to two kids basically with little to no physical support from friends/family.

Newsinglemum58 · 12/02/2021 18:14

@DustyVenetian

Ohhhhh my people. May I join?

I'm over 5 years separated single parent to two and the loneliness is still crippling.

Try and mention it to anyone feels like a pity party somehow.

It's almost a taboo it seems at times and seems to make people uncomfortable.

Weirdly I feel very on my own as a single parent! Feels like everyone I know is coupled up.... you do feel like the odd one out don't you? It's a strange feeling after 20 years with someone.
Newsinglemum58 · 12/02/2021 19:13

[quote havecourage8bekind]@helloandhelloagain I feel like you've taken the words right out of my mouth there! I was looking forward to being on my own and free after an awful marriage where I wasn't happy and felt lonely anyway. I don't miss him, or our relationship....I just miss someone/touch I suppose?! I tried talking to someone new and got ghosted after four weeks so that knocked me a bit. Welcome to the club!!! [/quote]
Yeah it's not a skipping off into the sunset moment is it? An unhappy marriage is hard but then being on your own is also hard, just a different sort of hard.

Helloandhelloagain · 12/02/2021 19:30

Yeah but you’ll get there and be even stronger for it !

Newsinglemum58 · 12/02/2021 19:32

@Helloandhelloagain thank you - hopefully! Try to think positive but it gets to you and times...

irishoak · 12/02/2021 20:08

Hope everyone is having a nice Friday night!

I've just had a bit of a cry, not even really sure why, but trying to pick myself up again now. A counsellor suggested thinking about things I'm grateful for everyday, so right now I'm grateful for:

The warm fire I've got burning
My lovely pets napping on the sofa next to me
A tub of ice cream I'd forgotten was in the freezer
A glass of Baileys
Netflix (Life on Mars rewatch!)

Feel free to say anything you're grateful for, or not, as the mood takes you!

Newsinglemum58 · 12/02/2021 20:16

Ah sorry to hear that @irishoak but I have a good cry a lot... sometimes have to schedule it for when I don't have the kids! Helps to release some emotions and stress build up.

Practising gratitude helps me too... some things I'm grateful for: my house, two healthy kids, a job, lots of things really..... but sometimes it's easier to focus on the things we want but don't have isn't it?

Beachtrip · 12/02/2021 20:56

A good cry!! Definitely!! It helps.
Nothing worse then feeling that tension in your body and holding onto it.
You don't need a reason. Just built up stress and tension, whatever.
Spilt milk... I'd cry over that.

Beachtrip · 12/02/2021 20:58

My grateful list:

Having a job - one who is keeping me furloughed as they know I have 2 young children at home.
How amazing is that!

My flat (and heating!!)

2 gorgeous healthy, mostly happy, children.

Also, a tub of ice cream (it was on offer too! - double gratitude)

Myself. I'm shit often. I fail often. But nothing has defeated me yet.

Newsinglemum58 · 12/02/2021 21:20

@beachtrip love your list! Self love is sooo important and something I definitely learned too late... I'm not fully there yet but on the way. As you say, none of us are perfect but we've survived 100 % of our worst days - we are strong and loveable even if we don't feel it or don't have anyone who loves us in a romantic sense.

Changeispossible · 12/02/2021 22:49

Enjoying a delicious glass of red wine in a heated (albeit rented & shared) home with a full belly and entertaining telly. In this moment, I need nothing more.

Overtherainbow12 · 13/02/2021 07:27

Can I join too please? Reading this thread is like reading my own thoughts I'm totally broken at moment but now I feel at least not on my own feeling this way. Left my husband in 2019 after years of abuse literally ticking every box, he's continued since I've left and even bails, court orders and multiple times in prison has not stopped him. There's a case coming up he should get a substantial prison term for but it's taking ages to call and while he is free I'm on high alert constantly. I was with him my whole adult life he wrecked me an taken everything I've worked towards. I left with just the kids and what we had on us. We've started over completely since then from nothing. I got closer to a friend who'd been thru similar and for over a year have been in a relationship, it was going really well he knew how worried I was about opening up to someone an made me feel I could really trust him, over the past year or so I've done stuff with him and totally trusted him more than anyone in my life ever, I really believed in us and it and feel an idiot for saying now but really did. Since Christmas gone downhill, him being intense then quiet, barely seeing each other, him accusing me of speaking to other people and gossiping about stuff, now he's bein completely cold. I'm heartbroken, I feel used and even more worthless and shit about myself than when I left my husband, he's been involved in my life throughout leaving my husband and feels like my happiness of being away from my ex and the special times I've had with kids since are tainted by him, now instead of feeling happy and proud when I think far how we've come I just feel sick and my chest tightens thinking it was all a lie with new guy, everything around my house reminds me of him and it's killing me. I'm only getting thru day hour by hour and can't get over feeling totally betrayed and used on whole other level. I don't know how to stop this feeling and move forward. Feel like nothing to look forward to anymore

Newsinglemum58 · 13/02/2021 07:47

@Overtherainbow12 hi - I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through, that sounds horrendous. And then to build trust with someone else and have him do what he's done must be so painful. Sending a massive hug and hopefully we can draw some comfort from each other here and being in, although not exactly the same boat, but a similar storm. Things do feel bleak right now but we have to have hope of a better day/time for us in the future.....

Newsinglemum58 · 13/02/2021 07:49

Sad though it is I think there are a lot of messed up people out there in the dating pool and it's not easy to find people who are emotionally healthy particularly as you get older and each of us has our own baggage. Sounds like this guy is one of those ones although perhaps he hid it well to start with....

sandgrown · 13/02/2021 08:06

@fairypangolin your situation sounds much like mine. Separated after 20 years but for the last few years we have really been estranged under the same roof . No financial, emotional or practical support just a bit of company when he could be bothered. I am back in the house I lived in when I separated from my ex husband over 30 years ago so lots of memories here ! I work , walk and chat with at least one friend every day and I have a teenage DS but still miss having someone to tell things to . It will be much better when we can start to go out and see friends again. My Chinese New Year horoscope said I will give up on looking for romance . At this moment in time I could not be bothered making the effort!