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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Loneliness after separation

667 replies

havecourage8bekind · 10/02/2021 14:21

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

OP posts:
Newsinglemum58 · 10/03/2021 12:48

@feeficken yes that's true. Don't think there is a good age for your parents to separate. That said, living in a home where the marriage is intact but might be unhappy, toxic etc must happen a lot too which can't be good either. I think as parents there is always so much guilt whatever you do...

irishoak · 11/03/2021 16:34

Hi everyone - been a while since I posted, as have been busy with work. That's been a blessing, as it keeps my mind off things mostly, but the past few days a friend has been talking to me about her relationship problems and it's just brought it all back up again for me and I feel quite down. I feel like...I don't know how I'm ever going to be able to meet or trust someone ever again, and I feel so alone. I also have a not great financial situation (due in part to my ex) and the thought of that gets me down - how to cope with it on my own, when will I ever be able to pay it all off, who would want me with a load of debt, etc.

I don't think the weather helps either, those few sunny days really lifted my spirits more than I realised, and the wind and rain just add to my feeling low.

mummyof2lou · 12/03/2021 16:35

@irishoak sorry you had a bad day yesteday. You will meet someone again, nd they won't judge you as harshly as you judge yourself. None of us are perfect and he won't be either so don't feel like everyone is out of reach. Although with you worrying about what sort of emotional baggage and hang ups we now all bring. It was so much easier 15 years ago with youth and confidence.

I'm having a day where I just feel so trapped I could scream. Just waiting for him to find somewhere to move to, and taking his time, I have no control and can't get on with my life until he makes his move. If it wasn't for the kids and lockdown I would have a bit more control. A good cry and a bottle of wine...

Newsinglemum58 · 14/03/2021 10:43

Gone a bit quiet on here. Hope everyone's ok and happy Mother's Day to the mums today.... 💐 🍫

Newsinglemum58 · 14/03/2021 10:45

@irishoak so hard being stuck together because of lockdown... I empathise with what you are going through. I too am feeling like I'll never meet anyone decent or find love and really I'm such a romantic sort that it's hard for me to accept it but I'm starting to think it's probably not going to happen. I don't think I want to meet people online and meeting in real life just doesn't seem particularly easy at all.

irishoak · 14/03/2021 20:02

Happy Mother's day to all the mums!

@mummyof2lou you're totally right, it's impossible to move on and heal with him there. Mine took his time and dithered and eventually started being shitty to me again so I had to make him leave. Could you set a deadline or something? Otherwise god knows how long he'll push his luck for.

@Newsinglemum58 The world of online dating seems awful - reading threads about it on here and other websites really puts me off it. Meeting in real life...I live very rural, so I don't know how that's going to work. I'm maybe not romantic like you, but I think I am very caring? I enjoyed so much having someone to take care of and building a life together...like you said, now it feels like that is never going to happen for me. I worry that I'll go my whole life without ever having a partner who genuinely loves and cares about me and treats me right.

Newsinglemum58 · 14/03/2021 20:34

@irishoak that's my exact fear as well... never getting to know a healthy, loving relationship....

Newsinglemum58 · 14/03/2021 20:39

Just realised I @ replied to the wrong person the other day! Sorry @irishoak @mummyof2lou ! Shows where my head is at! 🤯

irishoak · 14/03/2021 20:47

@Newsinglemum58 I figured, no worries! but totally emphasised with what you wrote...a friend told me to look on the bright side that with so many marriages/relationships ending in lockdown, there will be so many more men looking to date when we open up again Grin not sure if that's a good thing or not!

Newsinglemum58 · 14/03/2021 21:22

@irishoak that is not a bad way to look at it! I'm sure it has put a lot of pressure on relationships.... obviously some couples will have thrived but those who may have had issues it can't have helped. I guess we have to try to think positively and see where life takes us... I tend to have positive and negative days in this regard. 17 months post split though and being single does feel more normal. I think I'm getting used to my own company.

feeficken · 16/03/2021 09:07

So here I am back in an in-house separation and my wife is openly seeing the O/M yet telling me she is on the fence about what she wants to do. Of course I have no idea what she is telling him.

Part of me does believe she is in conflict but again I worry I am naive and still in love because the other part of me thinks she could be stalling for time and just trying to keep me sweet.

This situation is so fucked up but it can't be unique WTF do I do here? inside is screaming at me to ask her to leave at this point and part of me says if you do that your pushing her fully into his arms, but is she not already there anyway? How much longer do I let this crap go on, we're coming up a year.

Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 16/03/2021 11:14

Hi everyone! Sorry i've been so quiet, I think i've been trying to distract myself and tell myself I'm not lonely/struggling when in actual fact I'm pretty much a mess most of the time and I suppose coming on here to write that down is admitting it!! Think i was using the chats with that guy to build a fake sense of confidence and self esteem - we'd been chatting all day every day for three weeks and when I asked "what even is this?!" he basically said he liked me and enjoyed talking, im lovely/gorgeous/a catch...but nothing is going to come of it because when lockdown lifts we will have our lives back. Fair enough and glad he was honest but it's left me feeling lonely again and realising I was only masking how shite I felt with texting somebody which is pathetic in itself!

OP posts:
Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 16/03/2021 11:18

@feeficken my heart genuinely hurts when I read your posts, I wish I had some words, anything, to take away some of your heart ache. I think your wife is being awful if I'm honest, and I hope I'm not out of place saying so! She is stringing you along, keeping you sweet and allowing affection, allowing that door to just stay open ajar (probably just enough so that you don't tell her to get out!) which she must know is hurting you so much?! And also - to her new guy its out of order aswell as I bet he has no idea that she's acting like this with you! I really think things will get easier for you when you no longer live together..do you think that is a while off? You seem like such a lovely lovely man and it pains me that you think your worth is this low. You deserve a woman who loves you just as much as you love them - and there are women out there who will give you that! Don't allow yourself to be her option anymore. Have you thought about therapy to talk some of this over?

OP posts:
Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 16/03/2021 11:19

How's everyone else? Hope you all had a lovely Mothers day for the mums on the thread. My first as a single mum and it felt like any other day lol but I did feel happy and settled which is lovely considering usually I'd feel resentful over ex not giving a shit!

OP posts:
MMMarmite · 16/03/2021 18:17

@havecourage8bekind Don't feel pathetic for texting someone, I think it's completely fine to distract yourself from things by chatting away, as long as neither of you is misleading the other.

MMMarmite · 16/03/2021 18:21

It's been a month now, and I think I'm struggling with lockdown as much as the breakup now. Throwing my energy into work as a distraction. But using it for my main social outlet and validation is making me too emotionally attached to what people think of my work, and arguably worse at my job for that Hmm The loneliness plus breakup is making me more needy and angry.

Desperately want to go stay with a friend for the weekend and get away from these four walls. Hopefully things will improve in two weeks once we can socialise a little more.

Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 16/03/2021 18:32

@mmmarmite I feel you! Loneliness plus breakup plus lockdown is ROUGH! I've never felt all these emotions before and it's exhausting. I took on alot and my therapist told me I'm not helping myself by distracting myself. I need to learn to feel all the feels and move through it apparently. Hopefully when life gets back to normal we get distracted by more healthy outlets x

OP posts:
MMMarmite · 16/03/2021 22:51

Yeah, I guess it's about balance - too much distraction means we don't process it, but thinking about it constantly would drive anyone mad. Think the isolation of lockdown means the latter is more of a risk.

feeficken · 17/03/2021 09:53

@havecourage8bekind thank you for the kind words, you too sounds like such a lovely woman and I hope things do get better for you and your able to find someone that can give you not just what your looking for but more.

Initially my wife went out and was looking for a place which was spurred on by the argument we had when I moved back in, I apologised for my part of the argument (I always apologise and always first) and she was warming to me again and she didn't see the OM that week at all (they could have been texting though), she was working from home this week and never left the house. I asked her what we where doing and she responds that she doesn't know and on/off that week she acts like we're together, we talks about us and "we" should do this and do that.

Now she is back out at work and she is back seeing him again going straight from work the last couple of days. Right now I have no idea what she is thinking or what she is doing in terms of finding a place and so far it feels like she is just avoiding me right now. I just see no end in sight for this, she goes about acting like all of this is normal and this is just life. She knows what this is doing to me because she said she didn't like how I was acting and I am like WHAT?! I said sad, heartbroken, mentally exhausted, confused and grieving. You know how like a normal person would react in this situation.

I was always a man that has done my fair share of cooking, cleaning and looking after the house but its been about a year since she last cooked a meal (I've done all cooking) for me and our son and she has helped clean the house once or twice in the last year.

I've said this before but I can feel my love dying for this woman as time goes on which I suppose isn't a bad thing as it looks like she couldn't care less either way.

feeficken · 18/03/2021 09:40

I'll keep posting as its helping but I really am all over the place, lol I have been for a year. I woke up this morning and I felt determined that's it I am pulling back, I felt sick the fact he touches her and she lets him. Then half an hour later she comes downstairs to have a cup of tea and within 10 minutes I am giving her a fucking cuddle WTF is wrong with me why would I do that? I feel I am stuck right now in that I know if she leaves, or I ask her which is where I am headed I can just get on with it, but with her here I feel stuck. I know by being a safe place and providing affection that she is getting the best of both worlds.

If the O/M is all that why hasn't she just found a flat (maybe she has and just not said) and moved out to be with him? He is older than she is and lives with a family member or why doesn't she just move out and live with her brother since hes offered if our marriage was that bad (which isn wasn't btw).

I've finally started some counselling yesterday and it was good to be able to talk about myself for a change lol.

Newsinglemum58 · 23/03/2021 09:30

Morning, how's everyone getting on?

Been finding my anxiety is quite high at the moment.... trying to do what I can to regulate myself and keep calm but it's a bit challenging. I think that not having a partner to chat to, adult company etc gives me a feeling of fear and insecurity sometimes. Basically I only have myself to rely on. I guess this is something that feels less scary over time and it's still early days for me. Anyone else find this?

feeficken · 23/03/2021 12:12

@Newsinglemum58 Just trying to keep my head above water right now, hope your doing better. My W has been avoiding me and has been out quite a bit and I do miss having someone to share my time with. I don't fear living myself to be honest but it does leave me worried about the future and worrying about whether i'll someone else but I see a lot of people feel like that, especially those that have been with their partners from young. What your feeling is normal and hopefully as your self regulate more that will get easier.

Crumble99 · 03/04/2021 09:01

Yes!!!

Crumble99 · 03/04/2021 09:05

Sorry, new to this, this was a yes to the first post, which asked would anyone like to join!!
I am very lonely and missing my husband who left after 20 years together.

Newsinglemum58 · 03/04/2021 10:47

Welcome to the fold @Crumble99
Thread has gone a bit quiet of late. My marriage ended 18 months ago after 20 years as a couple so I can understand some of what you are probably going through. I wanted it to end but still struggling with life alone now after so long with someone and adjusting to being a lone parent. Did you have children together?