Loneliness after separation

[havecourage8bekind]

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

I've been following this thread but not posted so far.

Is anyone else struggling with coming out of lockdown and seeing people we haven't seen for months? You know, those incidental people who don't know yet about the split as they simply weren't around..... Not looking forward to a new round of having to explain....

Welcome @andalone

I've not had this too much - not really seen many people yet.... it's going to be strange as things open up but hopefully also good and some light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully people will be supportive of you. I've found it hard doing this all alone as we pretty much went onto lockdown after our split but in some ways I think it's made me stronger and realise I can manage. I certainly doing think social isolation is a healthy thing and humans need other humans, but we've not exactly had much choice in any of this.

Anyway, welcome to the thread and I do hope it's not too painful as things open and we see more people in the coming week and months. Fingers crossed it's a positive thing.

Thankyou @Newsinglemum58. Lockdown has been really hard. No one to hug and sob on. Can't really do that on a socially distanced walk! As you say though, it has shown me that I can do it totally alone.
Now I just need to find my new normal.

Yes, so so hard. Just when we've really needed the support of others we've been forced to be alone 😞 really hope there's brighter days ahead for us and an end to this so we can get that much needed support.

Exactly this. Separated after 20 years, have been living alone for 6 weeks and I just feel so alone.

Can't seem to concentrate on reading, watching TV, music is a big no no. I work from home so when work finishes the evening feels like a massive void in front of me. This 4 day weekend is hell

Hi @TragicKingdom - I can relate to your post a lot! In the early days of my split I felt the same and still do to an extent. Watching tv or films on my own just isn't the same and often when I don't have the kids here I am at a loss of how to fill my time. Obviously lockdown doesn't help as nothing much to do when it's cold and wintery! I guess it's getting used to the new solo quieter life and that going to take a hell of a lot of getting used to after having a person to share life with for 20 years... I certainly don't have all the answers but know you're not alone and many of us navigating this too. Much love.

Ps work has helped me a lot too in providing structure, purpose and some human interaction/communication. And I definitely talk to myself more when I'm on my own!🤦🏻‍♀️

Just read the whole thread, absolutely heartbreaking.
Please remember you are worth more than them.
@feeficken please do not let her abuse you anymore
I was you 2015 - 2017, now I'm the happiest I have ever been in life.
Wishing each and every one of you happier and peaceful times.

Hi everyone,
I don't post on here much but I tend to read through what you're all posting.
Loneliness is hitting today.... My kids have gone with the ex for a week Fri-fri.... We had arranged a video call for me to wish them happy Easter but now he's refusing to do so.
I've also got a horrendous cold so can't see anyone for fear of passing it on so am stuck in the house all day....

How's everyone else's Easter going? X x x

Thanks @Jimbobdibob - so glad you found happiness after a tough period, it gives me hope...

@WingingItAtLife - oh I'm sorry to hear your ex is being difficult 😞 that's really not ok and unfair on you and the children.

Easter is going ok here, a bit boring but used to that! It's sunny in the garden so I'm trying to count my blessings. Kids have had a rotten cold and youngest isn't feeling very well still so think it's going to be a home day today.....

@Newsinglemum58 thank you, it is breaking my heart that I can't even call them because he won't answer. The last thing I said to my daughter was that I'd call and ask if the Easter bunny had been.

Anyway enough of my pity party lol I have lots of washing and housework to pass the time.
Aww no, hope the kids feel better soon x x x

Hi all. Can I join please? Husband of 21 years leaving in 2 weeks. It's all amicable at the moment and kids are 4 and 7. We havent told anyone yet except my friends.

I've felt lonely for years regards husband and partly why I realised it was time to split. We havent watched a movie together or chatted for years. He has depression which has got severe the last few months. I feel so lonely and he hasn't even left. I explained to friend you can sit on the sofa with a 4 and 7 year old and still feel lonely.

I just dont know how you do things like pop out with the dogs for a walk or go get milk as I'll have no one home to watch kids?

I've got main custody and hes just seeing them some days which we havent finalised yet. I've been feeling sick and panicky recently and having a wobble. I started the separation but hes now excited he has a flat rental to start soon. I cant bear the thought of days without seeing my kids. I think it's right to split and he needs to for his health but I feel like I'm in a daze and floating through it.

I dont want to date anyone. I just want someone to watch a film with and chat about stuff. I feel so lonely already and even with friends it's still bad .

Hi @Pleasebe2022
It is tough at times but so is being in a rubbish relationship. I do get lonely times but mostly I'm okay. I only left mine in November so still new and I only got my own place in February. I'd love to have someone to sit and watch TV with or chat after work but for now, I make do with Chatting to friends.

Practicality wise.... I've got a small milk in my freezer for emergencies, and a loaf of bread. I've also stashed £20 behind a photo frame in case of emergencies. I always make sure we have basics in to make a meal.... My kids enjoy pasta and tinned tomatoes and cheese so that's my fall back easy meal. Can't help with walking the dog as I had to leave mine with ex but is it an option to walk when the kids are in school? Or even take the dog (if it's well behaved) with you and walk the kids home from school?
X x x

@Pleasebe2022 21 years with someone - what you are feeling is totally normal. I don't know if I will get used to living alone/ just me and the kids but I expect I will. Like @WingingItAtLife said.... what is worse? An unhappy marriage or being on your own? I think ultimately staying in a failing relationship isn't the 'right' choice though sometimes seems like the easiest one financially and from a companionship point of view. Doing life alone is very hard, especially with kids, but remaining in a marriage you know is making you miserable also isn't easy.
Luckily my kids are a bit older so I can pop to the corner shop for a couple of things and leave them for 15 minutes. It gets slightly easier as they get older I think. Do you have much of a support network in terms of family? Separated parents I knew in the past relied a lot on support from their parents etc especially if things weren't great with kids' dad....

Hi all. This thread popped up again at a timely moment as I've been okay so far but knowing people are having family get togethers today and I'm sans kids.

BUT it's okay really.

Absolutely feel that we are coming out of lockdown and having to tell more people, which is hard, but we're so much more settled now that people are shocked and we're more relaxed about it.

Recommendation: read the Unexpected Joy of Being Single. It has really helped me be at ease being in my own.

That said, I gave someone my number the other day! No word yet, and if all we do is remain friends I'd be happy but I felt really brave!

I had my video call!!!!
Only with my daughter though as my son didn't want to because he was busy playing with dad's new girlfriend and her child.
It was so lovely to speak to her and we laughed a lot..... She finds it difficult because she doesn't want to be at her dad's particularly, but she does have fun there with the new girlfriend and her child, and obviously feels some loyalty to her dad too..... I just wish he would make it easier for them by not rushing a new relationship on them.

@Febo24 yes I've stayed in today, partly due to the cold and partly because I don't wanna see the happy families

@WingingItAtLife that's great news you got your video call! ♥️ This could be a sweeping generalisation - and I apologise if so- but I seem to hear of sooo many men who exit marriages or who are left by their partner, who get into another relationship very quickly. I wonder if men find it harder being alone generally or if this is mere coincidence. My ex got into a new relationship extremely fast ... I just seem to hear of this a lot.

@Newsinglemum58 yes it does seem to be a pattern. And she seems nice and does nice things with the kids.... The only thing that bothers me is literally two days ago the ex was saying he was willing to bin her if I gave him hope of a reconciliation..... And because I said no.... He now has them altogether playing happy families over Easter. He's also told our 7 year old that he'll try to get our family back together.... Talk about messing with the kids head

If his new relationship was stable, I would fully support it but it's obviously not and I fear my kids will get hurt
So frustrating

I’m not separated yet but it looks likely. He’s been having an 18 month affair and love hers. Love me too of course but I don’t think he has the balls to say otherwise. He’s staying for our 2 months old rather than me I think:

I’m scared. Really scared. And lonely. I wonder if I’ll be more or less lonely if/when I pull the time plug.

@HeadFuzzy
My H also had a long term affair. If I hadn't found out and told him to leave, he would have stayed here playing happy families. The treachery is awful and I was also scared and lonely. But now a few months down the line I know I couldn't have lived with the deceit and lies. Even though his relationship was supposedly 'over'. He'd already ruined our lives. I hope you are able to find the strength to do whatever is best for you and your baby going forward. X

[quote andalone]@HeadFuzzy
My H also had a long term affair. If I hadn't found out and told him to leave, he would have stayed here playing happy families. The treachery is awful and I was also scared and lonely. But now a few months down the line I know I couldn't have lived with the deceit and lies. Even though his relationship was supposedly 'over'. He'd already ruined our lives. I hope you are able to find the strength to do whatever is best for you and your baby going forward. X[/quote]
Thank you. Same here. He would have stayed & pretended I think but he’s admitted he wanted me to find out & didn’t want to lie anymore but... he’s still talking to her even though he’s told me he isn’t. I’m not confronting him yet. I want to get my head (& finances) straight. Never stops lying!

Can’t wait to find the strength! x

@HeadFuzzy
Take your time and remember to breathe. Its a huge decision and if he's being civil there's no need to rush into it.
Mine also said he was no longer messaging. But he was...... Being betrayed from your own front room is shit. Your strength is in there somewhere. X

Saw this the other day and really liked it. Hope it might help someone else if they are suffering any guilt about marriage / relationship ending.

Yes I have seen that shared on Facebook and I love it! It is so true!
For the months running up to me leaving my ex, we weren't a proper family. We did fun stuff yes, and holidays, and 'functioned' but we weren't showing our children a loving relationship with mutual respect at all x

Hi all. I was having a wobble as my husband hasnt cheated etc. Weve just got bored of each other and he cant communicate. I kid myself its better for the kids when were together but i dont think it is. Were still living together and yesterday i took the kids out all day and i asked him to do some tidying, max an hour and he had all day. I got home and he hadnt done it. Im so frustrated and so so tired. He knew it wasnt good but did his usual hyper playful dad with the kids for an hour or 2 then disappeared again. I sometimes think im over reacting getting a divorce because he doesnt pull his weight, i cant talk to him about anything and he makes no effort but i think yesterday made me more sure.

Is it natural to have doubts about splitting if its a gradual not wanting to be with each other thats causing it and not a dramatic event? The depression doesnt help. I think if he gets well again will it all be OK. We dont have any hobbies together etc and ive started thinking about what we could do. i dont know why though. I feel such a failure getting divorced. i know when i tell my parents they will say its all my fault.

He has booked his flat and can have it 5 days before daughters birthday. I dont know when he should go - after birthday? she will always remember her birthday as when he left whether its before or after i suppose.

how do i tell them? they are 4 and 7. I have to tell my parents too and im dreading the whole thing. I feel sick and panicky about it all.

my heart goes out to those of you cheated on with very little time to get your head around it all. xx