Loneliness after separation

[havecourage8bekind]

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

@Pleasebe2022 it certainly will be a new chapter and I hope that it works ok for you both and is a happier step in the long run. We just don't know how we will feel until we go through it...

I think your point is very valid re: kids still have both parents in their life. I have experienced death and loss in the past few years and it definitely gives you another perspective on life, how fragile it all is and how we have a right to pursue our happiness while we have the opportunity to do so. Wishing you all the best 💐 keep posting we are hear to listen and support as we are that bit further down the path than you so might be able to give that insight.

When you agree to seperate from husband but have to still live with them for a while do you ever stop expecting or hoping that they will miraculously turn back in to the person you loved and not the arsehole they are now?

He leaves Saturday and half of me expects him to give me a hug and be nice. He hasn't done that for about 5 years so I dont know why I expect it!

Awww sending hugs... yeah sadly it definitely doesn't work that way 😞 was he ever that guy? My memory plays tricks on me but I'm not sure my ex ever was. It's so hard. Be gentle on yourself and do what you need to do to relax. Exercise/music/wine...... x

@Pleasebe2022 yes I feel that way, it’s like living with a stranger. My wife is seeing someone, leaving the marriage for him and I am just expected to accept it and be amicable. The sad part is we have been living like this for so long it’s starting to feel normal, I just don’t what to feel nowadays.

@feeficken how long have you lived like this? Sounds horrific. Is there any way to make her leave? No way you can heal with her there.

@Pleasebe2022 so far its been a year, she bounced back and forth between myself and the OM. Shes now settled on the OM and is trying to find somewhere to live.

@feeficken shes really taking the mick. Can you pack a bag for her or is she refusing to leave?
Do you have kids?

I’ve been reading this thread on and off over the last few weeks and it’s great (but shit) that there are so many people going through the same ups and downs post and during separation. Makes the loneliness and feelings of failure a little less sharp.

@Pleasebe2022 this line in your post

He leaves Saturday and half of me expects him to give me a hug and be nice

My ex did this and sat me down just before he was to move out and begged me to give it another go But I had had all the false promises before and it was too little too late so I said no. I knew we would be back there before long.

We are separated coming up to 2 years, I have 3 kids most of the time and it’s been difficult. But I know my life is better and will be even better without him.

I’ve been dating on and off since last summer and it’s been an interesting experience I’m seeing someone for the last 5 months but we don’t see much of each other and it’s quite surface-y so I don’t know how much longer it’s going to last. In fact I don’t know what I want from dating so that probably means I shouldn’t be doing it 🤷‍♀️

Anyway thats enough about my woes, looking forward to chatting here:)

@feeficken you must be such a calm person to keep going without kicking off in your situation. Take care of yourself though because it must be so difficult mentally.

@Pleasebe2022 we have a joint mortgage so she’s entitled to be here. She is looking for somewhere to live but seems to be taking her time to do it.

@Mayzee I’ve went through moments of anger but the problem is with her still here s as bad seeing her and loving her means I’ve no space to fully process any of this yet, I’m exhausted.

Having one of those days today ..... just feeling lonely and a bit sorry for myself. Need to have some ideas for when I get like this I think... it's less often it happens at least. Hope everyone else is ok?

Hi @Mayzee welcome to the thread! You've probably got some advice to share having been separated longer than some of us.

@feeficken so sorry you're still having such a difficult time of it. You sound like a lovely guy and clearly so much love for your wife. Just hope you find someone who can show you that love back because clearly she isn't doing that 😞

@Newsinglemum58 I hope your day has improved. I had a lonely moment this week when I saw on FB friends in pub gardens with their DHs. I dont actually want to go to a pub, just the idea that I had no one to say 'shall we pop out for a drink' to.
Re ideas for when this happens, I've had little house/garden jobs on the go that I can pick up as and when. Not cleaning but more projecty. That and a good podcast helps a bit. Hope you're doing ok. X

@andalone thank you 🥰 Yes I've got some home/garden projects at the moment and it has really helped focus my mind away from the fact I'm single etc. I'm working to build my future and that feels quite empowering. Staying busy and occupied is definitely a good strategy as I fall into the wallowing phase otherwise which isn't good.

I've joined bumble friends to try to meet some new people to go out for a drink with etc... thought this might be worth a try rather than focusing on dating apps etc

I think one of the things that scares me a bit when I'm having a down moment is the thought I might never get to experience a healthy/mutually loving and respectful relationship. Feel like my marriage just wasn't right in many ways and the thought I could now have missed out on that really cuts deep. Yes love for friends, family, your kids is so vital but it's a different love to the connection you have in an intimate partner relationship.

Hi! I've definitely felt at odds today. Partly down to going back to work tomorrow after a week.

Those who co-parent, do you find the days you don't have the kids sometimes you just have no motivation? I have loads of little jobs I could do but struggled to find the energy for it. Is it because time with them is so intense as it's just you?;

What's Bumble Friends like? I need some single parent friends, I feel like I need some friends who know what this is like. I tried Frolo but came off it as it was like an extension of Facebook but with a lot of bitching about exes!

It's a fine balance between single and empowered and just plain lonely. I seem to flit between the two!

And I'm old enough to have never done online dating or online friend finding. Both seem terrifying....🤣

@Febo24 can definitely relate to that feeling when kids are with their dad. Sometimes I just curl up in bed as I'm so shattered. It is intense when they are with you so you need that recovery time. I work full time too so that just makes the exhaustion more full on. As time has gone on I've got better at being a bit more organised with my child free time though.

Bumble friends seems ok. Chatting to a couple of ladies and if we get on might suggest meeting for a drink or a coffee.

@andalone

It's a fine balance between single and empowered and just plain lonely. I seem to flit between the two!

Yep very true!

In guess there's a danger that the only time off you take is with the kids. So going back into full time crazy busy job got me feeling a bit overwhelmed!

@feeficken you are in such an awful position. She really needs to make her decision.

@newsinglemum58 im sorry your having a hard time. I am not at that stage yet but i assume at some point i will be. Are you actively looking for a new partner? or friends? or both? How much time does your ex have the kids?

@Febo24 I echo both of your comments that i have this Saturday without the kids and have loads to do but i might just sleep :)

welcome to the new people on the thread.

Where are you all based? Im in Basingstoke.

AFM I finally told kids Friday night. I was making myself ill thinking about telling them. There were lots of tears and questions but generally not as bad as i feared. Husband left Saturday so i took the kids out for the day to a lovely new place. Its weird how they were saying best day ever as they loved the day out but then they wanted to see daddy when we got home. They switch between happy, Ok, sad, questions etc so easily.

yesterday STBXH came over and we had a family day out as its daughters birthday weekend. Within 5 mins here he was getting on my nerves. But we managed the whole day out ok. Were determined to be civil but last night when he left i felt so sure i had done the right thing. I was calm saturday night with the kids and then as soon as he arrived Sunday i felt wound up again. I have been very wound up over the years and im always getting told to calm down. I had a feeling it was him but saturday/sunday confirmed it.

When he walked in the kids asked how the new house was and he said lovely so that annoyed me. when he left saturday he left all his dirty washing up around, scissors on the bed (of a 4 year old!) presumably from packing. aggghhh.

He has them Saturday and i have found myself looking forward to the day to myself. I asked if he could stay at night and do baths and he said no. He will have them 8-6pm. Brilliant.

I feel a weight of responsibility they are primarily mine now but realistically they always were. I do all the admin and always have. I will be sorting school bags for tomorrow, i sorted presents, bday cake etc etc as he wouldnt have thought of it. It makes the transition now easier. The only thing is if i need to pop to the shop, i have to take the kids with me.

My parents have come down for a few days so the house is still busy and i havent noticed him gone really. I guess Wednesday will be when the loneliness might hit. Like i said ive been alone and doing it myself for years. I am not interested in meeting anyone else. I feel exhausted and just really want to get through each day. I assume that will change as i get into the swing of it. I dont want to do online dating and im at home with 2 kids so cant join clubs to get out so dont think that will work anyway. Ill become a crazy old lady - maybe ill get more dogs (i have 3).

I feel less stressed about a day without the kids than i thought i would and now feel more comfortable with maybe them staying with him for a night once hes sorted.

My heart breaks for the kids but i think i feel happier and i hope they will be happier as a result. i do feel the stigma of divorce though and being a single mum. I need to get over myself i know. I have a few close friends and 2 of them are unhappy in their marriages so i think they are watching me closely. the others are happily married and i hope we can adapt to me having no freedom regards nights out as i could be flexible before. Time will tell.

thanks for your support everyone

hope your all having a lovely day.

@Pleasebe2022 it’s so hard telling the kids but I often think that we work it up to be worse in our heads than it actually is. Your situation sounds like mine in that I was primary parent, admin , organiser so him moving out had little impact. Added to that he worked away Monday to Friday so no change for the kids during the week made things a little easier.
It’s that feeling of not being on edge with tension and resentment now that they are not there that makes it worth it and your kids will certainly benefit if you are happier There will be ups and downs of course, one of my kids struggled hugely with the break up, but he is handling it better now.

@mayzee how old are your children?

Yes i agree with not being on edge. Ive really noticed the difference already. My parents are here for company and i guess i will really see how things are when they go tomorrow.

It all feels so surreal but i feel better in my decision now. STBXH is not a bad man, he can be a great dad and hes a nice honest bloke. So i was doubting my decision. But he also is a lousy husband because he never considers me or tries to help me or shows affection. And now i feel so much more relaxed without him here i know it was the right decision.