Loneliness after separation

[havecourage8bekind]

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

ive realised we were limping a long for yearsbut i went out with friends and to work etc so used them as my company. Then the pandemic hit and ive been stuck at home and shielding so havent seen anyone. So i think thats been the nail in the coffin, although we were limping long before then. I went back to work about 6 months before the pandemic and it was difficult then when the dynamic changed.

@Pleasebe2022 our split didn't involve infidelity however I had realised I was no longer attracted to him and has begun to look at other men and feel attracted. So you could say emotionally I cheated as I fancied other men and was imagining what it would be like...

Yes I think it's normal to have doubts... I was very worried about what people would think and my parents would say etc. I'm not going to tell you this will be easy, it won't. It's very hard but it's that case of knowing that you will be unhappy together so which do you want for your future?

I felt like a single parent in many ways before he left. He didn't really help with stuff around the house either, he wasn't much of a hugger and I love affection... just so many areas we were mis matched on so so many needs were going unmet.

Sending you strength and love. No it's not easy and the kids will be affected but they will be growing up with parents who don't love each other too or who are not right for one another.... I wish there were easy answers but there aren't.

I realised things weren't right over a number of years and we did do counselling so it wasn't a quick thing for me.

@Newsinglemum58 thanks for the reply. Ive never tagged anyone so not sure ive done it properly.

I dont feel attracted to other men but i do imagine cuddling up to someone and its not husband. Mine marriage has died over many years too. If it wasnt for lockdown maybe we would have limped along for longer.

I just feel such a failure :(

thanks for the words of support. I keep thinking its not syria is it or life and death and loads of people manage it so i need to just get on with it. I am a fixer in life and i never give up. 21 rounds of IVF for 2 kids. But i cant fix this and i feel i have tried but i feel ashamed and embarrassed to tell people and i dont know why.

@Pleasebe2022 have you got time to start laying some ground work with them?

We separated and lived together for 3 months, so they had the initial discussion about separate bedrooms. Then when we decided he had to move out, it was over Christmas so we started layering in information like 'daddy is going to look for somewhere nearby' and then it became a discussion point usually initiated by them. They got the first night of the move at his with a takeaway and all the cool things he bought for them. I had a night on my own comfort eating and weeping.

Our first night here was weird, and we all cried but it felt like what we needed to do.

You will be fine, it's no picnic all the time, but the energy invested in keeping up appearances can be directed towards the kids and your recovery. Xx

No one needs an explanation. I felt I needed to offer an explanation at the beginning but I've stopped now. You'll get used to telling people in a way that doesn't invite questioning or your need to fill that space. If you do, just imply that you didn't make it through lockdown - that seems to make sense to most people and then theyll either tell you that they know others in the same boat, or they've come close to in themselves.

I've had countless walks with friends where they have pumped me for info and told me their woes!

@febo24 thats interesting thanks. I havent told the kids as i was waiting for the date of his leaving to be finalised and i havent told my parents as they are here to look after the kids over Easter when im working and i didnt want them to feel awkward around him as he's still here. They are not good at the emotional stuff and I know they will say its all my fault.

Maybe thats the wrong approach and i should be telling everyone even though he hasn't gone yet.

I feel strangely numb about him. I dont think ill miss him i will just miss being a Mrs and having company but not his if that makes sense. I really never thought this would happen :(

You're BRAVE. Not a failure.

Totally. It's the little things that you realise along the way were maybe jobs that he did or you relied on him organising.

I think you're approach will influence your parents response. My Exh fucked up, but that was on top of a marriage trapped in the friend zone. My way of dealing with it (being calm and amicable) influenced the way my family reacted. They were angry with him but couldnt do more than tell me because I hadn't set the tone for that to happen. He probably better steer clear of some of them in a dark alley mind you, but this is better for the kids.

Talk to him about a timeline? The more you collaborate now the better, it's setting you up to be good co-parents. Also, get some rules, boundaries and general understandings in place now about how you're going to do this.

@Pleasebe2022 - I miss the future I thought I would have some days but I don't miss not being with him and I think that's the difference. I would like companionship and a relationship I think... but not with him so it would've just felt unhappy and like you were 'flogging a dead horse' for wont of a better term. And looking at it this way, isn't it better to be true to yourself and be alone than live a sort of lie to keep up appearances for others/ be more financially secure/ not be lonely....? Bottom line is only you can make that decision - no one else - and it's you (me) that has to live with the consequences of any and all the decisions we make. I'm not going to sugar coat it or say it's easy, you just have to read this thread to see it's a struggle.

The last bit I meant regarding the ongoing parenting.

So we agreed to keep dating away from the kids, that major milestones are discussed not assumed (like buying mobile phones or leaving the kids alone in the house) that each house has their own rules, and to support each other - being on the look out for the kids siding with one parent, no slagging off etc.

@Febo24 this is true. We've managed to keep it amicable so far and no infidelity definitely helps this I would think. I know couples who can't even speak/look at each other due to the way things ended etc.

The kids have coped fairly well so far, although I'm sure it's been hard for them and the younger one sometimes says switching between us is hard. But, hopefully in the long run, less unhappy parents is worth that.... life isn't always plain sailing is it? Not even in long lasting marriages. No one really knows what goes on but the couples themselves.

@Newsinglemum58 I agree.

I realised I would have been hollowing myself out for the perceived benefit of the kids, but they would have lost me as a person. I would have lost me too.

I tell everyone this, but get the Unexpected Joy of Being Single, such a good book for this stage. I'm more at ease on my alone days now. I would like to meet someone, but this book has taken the heat out of it. I'm not going to rush and make a questionable decision!

@Febo24 yes I'm getting more comfortable with being on my own too. I'll look into the book. I've got an audio book called single on purpose which sounds like it might be similar.

I was thinking to myself that instead of looking for the right one I'm going to focus on being the right person and trying to get my life looking how I want it to. After you've been with some for so many years, and my relationship was especially co-dependent etc and we leaned on each other too much it's equal parts scary and empowering to know that the buck now stops with just me. No one to blame or to lean on anymore.

Hi all - been a while since I posted on here, hope everyone is doing okay!

I'm a bit up and down these days. I thought I was doing better and felt happier with myself and with being alone, but then I started doing the Freedom Programme and it dragged all the feelings and memories back up again, after me pushing them down.

I also had a question for everyone about dating again. It's been about 4 months now since I split with my husband, and I've recently had my first...idk what to call it - crush? Attraction? Vibe? for someone. I know that really, I'm probably not ready, but it's got me thinking about dating again, and wondering when I will be ready. It all feels quite raw, but I also feel like I missed out on so much happiness and wasted so much time in my marriage, that it feels like a waste of more time not to try and get back out there and grab happiness where I can find it, if that makes sense?

So, I was wondering how everyone else felt about this, whether you've already got back out there, if you're not ready yet, or if you're in the same position as me.

Hi @irishoak

I met a guy 6 months post split online and we became involved but it's not a relationship in that it's surface level chat and physical. It's nearly a year we've been seeing each other now. I do enjoy the company and the hugs (which he is really good at) but he's not there for emotional support of anything like that, so I still very much feel single and that I'm going this alone.

I would like a partner at some point but it needs to be the right person, I don't think I could waste time as I'm quite clear on what I do/don't want from someone.... some days I feel quite content with never meeting anyone and being alone. Even to the point I've started thinking of the future, where I might live when kids grow older... how I've got to financially plan things so that I'm ok.... it is a roller coaster and I think you've got to be kind to yourself as it's not easy finding yourself alone later in life when you didn't expect to.

Hi all. Ive had a busy week seeing friends in the garden as I've been off work. Kids have been good. I've got a bit sick of people asking if I could try harder or try this or that or be compassionate with his depression etc. I was getting fed up being made to feel the baddie. Weve limped along for years. Lockdown finished us. Weve done counselling together and separate. Theres nothing left to try. Hes shut off from the marriage completely and has been for years.

He told his mum. I havent told my parents yet as they will say it's my fault. Were telling kids today. I feel so sick but need to get it over with.

He gets his flat thursday and is moving out next saturday. He cant even tell me what time so i can take kids out.

I still feel sick and panicky?? Is this normal? I have to go back to work Monday and I'm notbsure how I'm going to do it. I work from home all the time so I can hide it all better.

I feel were fast approaching hating each other so he needs to leave whilst it's all amicable.

Sorry no advice on dating as im not there yet but I hope I'll be able to at some point.

Will this feeling of nausea and panic fade? I just cant believe this has happened. After all weve made it through together in 21 years. I dont love him anymore and I'm not in love with him but I think that's ok. The thing is I dont like him anymore either.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Nothing has changed this side wife is still here and still seeing OM. I dip in and out of anger and meh, sad thing it’s all starting to feel like normal life. She’s still looking for somewhere but complaining it’s hard to find a decent place on her budget. I think she’s moving with OM but she’s not saying that.

@HeadFuzzy I just wanted to mention you directly as I am going through the same with my wife except she’s decided our marriage is over now but is but dragging her heals on moving out etc while seeing om. It’s absolutely soul destroying isn’t it? The indecision is a killer, my wife bounced back and forth and all I can say is don’t let it happen because it’s a killer, take it from me. Think about what you want and what you can accept.

@Pleasebe2022 yes the panic sick feeling is normal. So much stress and worry and adrenaline will be coursing through you all at once. It will get better...

As for not loving him and feeling like you aren't sure you like him. All normal again. Relationships are so complex especially ones where you've been together so long. You're going to be feeling so many different emotions.

Hope it goes as well as it can telling the kids. Thinking of you.

Good luck.

Yes to the anxious panicky feeling and you might find work helps keep you occupied. It might be worth reminding your ex that the kids should come first and not to punish them while punishing you. It's a rickety road that one.

Ughhh having one of those days today 🤯🤯 where you just think 'I can't do this! I'm rubbish at solo parenting'. Feel I'm spread so thinly and doing this with no emotional support is sooo hard at times. 😢 I know it's just one day and I'll feel differently tomorrow... but... ugh... tough. Youngest has been so challenging and also asking questions about why we split up and how hard it is for her. Just makes me feel like a massive let down.

you sound like a tough cookie @newsinglemum58 but that doesn't mean your superwoman. I often find people think strong people are always strong - but it takes a lot of effort to be strong and your still fallible.

you have my sympathy. Hope you manage to get a break tonight and come back tomorrow raring to go. One foot in front of the other :)

How old are your kids?

Thank you @Pleasebe2022

Yeah I'm one of those who want to do it all by themselves but really would love to ask for help... it is hard. Kids are 12 and nearly 9...

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I've found this week off work with the kids very draining. Relieved to be going back to work really for a sort of break and some adult company.

How are things with you?

Also went to a clothes shop with the kids today which was massively underwhelming... we weren't allowed to try clothes on the kids so ended up bringing stuff home that doesn't fit. No school shoes still 🤯 just makes stressful situation even harder really... roll on June 21.....

@newsinglemum58 that sounds like a stressful shopping trip when you dont end up with anything at the end of it and now you have to take it all back!

I like to think i can do everything myself. Im strong and so people assume ill cope but im crying out for help on the inside. My kids are 7 and 4.

I work in a senior role and im on conference calls booking breakfast club and sorting out after school clubs because he wont do any of it. Then im not concentrating on work and get caught out.

I told my parents but still havent told the kids.

He leaves saturday. he booked the movers for 9am. we had agreed id take the kids out the house before the van came but how can i do that for 9am when nothing much is open. I said that and he moved it back. He is packing Friday and moving some stuff but we haven't told the kids yet. I had to point out the kids dont know yet and will see him packing.

I know it will be a new chapter saturday night when hes not here. Maybe i will feel relief. I hope so. I just hope the kids will be alright. I had a friend recently whose husband died suddenly and it put it in perspective. He will still be around to see kids, they have a loving mum, dad and grandparents, a nice house, great school and food etc so its not all that bad. I just have to keep telling myself that.