In love with an unemployed single dad and worried about the future

[InLoveAndLost]

Hi all, long time Mumsnet user but have NCed for this as I think some of the details might be outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history.

I have been dating for 6 months the nicest man ever. We used to work together but he quit his job right before the pandemic hit and he has been looking for work for a year now. He is 45, separated 18 months ago, with two DC (8 and 12). He has his DC 50% of the time and an amicable relationship with the ex wife.

For context, I am 30, never married, no DC, with a decent career in HR.

He is hands on the funniest, most caring, sexiest man I have ever been with. As I have been furloughed until recently, we spent a lot of our free time together just chilling, cooking, watching movies and going for walks. I know I am falling in love with him and he said he feels the same. We are honestly on cloud 9 when we are together, I have never felt like this about anyone before.

However, now that we have been dating for a while, there are a couple of things that make me hesitant about the long-term prospects of our relationship:

• The fact that he has DC and doesn't want anymore, whilst I am still on the fence on the topic. I have never dated anyone with DC before so I am not sure how that'd work.
• The fact that he seems to bend over forward for his ex-wife whenever she clicks her fingers. They are good friends, which I am sure is a positive thing for the kids, but sometimes their relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure about where I stand as they still seem to be so close.
• The fact that he has now been unemployed for a year and doesn't seem to have a solid plan in place to get out of the situation, besides applying for a few jobs every week. His field is not in great demand, and his job history is spotty as he was a professional sports coach for 10 years, until he joined his ex wife's company in a admin support role (that's the job he quit last year). He is still doing ok money wise as he has a big lump sum he got upon selling the marital home last year, but I have no idea how long that will last.

I swing between feeling madly in love with this wonderful man and feeling sick with worry that I am wasting my time on an impossible relationship. I wonder what kind of future is possible with someone with such different and complex personal circumstances.

Am I worrying for nothing? Should I just just enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts? Or should I seriously reconsider having a future with this man?

If you saw his cv written down would you want to employ him? He seems happy with the status quo tbh, if it was happening to a friend would you have concerns for them?

But it's only been six months. Why not just enjoy, especially while the world is on pause. Not all good things have to last forever; some people come into your life for a reason, some a season, some a lifetime. There's no need to rush.

I feel dumb now

Nope. The only reason we know is that we've shagged seen it before. Trial by fire!

These men need increasingly younger women as they age so they don't get found out. My friend group has one. The other blokes joke about him dating teenagers in his 50s because women his age just roll their eyes. He had a great wife in his 30s but she outgrew him.

@MrsTerryPratchett

I feel dumb now

Nope. The only reason we know is that we've shagged seen it before. Trial by fire!

These men need increasingly younger women as they age so they don't get found out. My friend group has one. The other blokes joke about him dating teenagers in his 50s because women his age just roll their eyes. He had a great wife in his 30s but she outgrew him.

Yeah this happened with me. My funny ex who used to make me belly laugh is now just a 12 year old in a 40 year old body. I still get on with him but his thinking is very limited ..

It would be a deal breaker for me, he could have got a job stacking shelves in a supermarket rather than living purely off his lump sum.

Why did he quit a job without another one to go to?

Mmm, this is all quite worrying to me. He sounds like a man child. Hasn't grown up at all. Has never taken responsibility for things and seems incapable of doing so now.

Theoretically, I couldn't care less about the odd drug taking etc. But it does sy something about him - that he still thinks a party requires him getting off his face and that it's okay. I bet you he'll be very resistant to you having an issue with it. For example, if you were going to a party on a Saturday night but had plans with your family the next day an so you didn't want him to be completely trashed. Or, I'll put money on him either getting out of having the kids on a big party night or having no issue with being barely functional the next day if he does have them.

In DH's circle I know a few people who are sort of like this. Middle aged men (always men) who are perfectly nice, good people, but who honestly don't seem to have accepted that living their lives the way they did when they were 20 has consequences. These people are great to hang out with at a party. I wouldn't want to live my life with them.

@Batinhernightdress

Honestly, you are far too young to take on all this.

This. You're young . You need a man with a lot less baggage.

@borntohula where did I say he told me at the start? I don't recall saying that. He actually told me around 2 years in to the relationship that he didn't want anymore children so as not to upset the children he already had!

@WaterBottle123 how many fathers do you know who had their kids at 15?!

@lollipoprainbow

Personally? Just my FIL. Nationally there will be thousands! Are you not in the UK? Teen pregnancies are pretty high here.

@Kittykat93

A year out of work? Nah. There are still lots of jobs out there.. he could be working. Couldn't be with someone who's lazy and workshy.

It’s actually really difficult to get a job right now. You can tailor your cover letter for every job, but if there’s only 1 position advertised and only 5 people out of 50 applicants are shortlisted for an interview... it’s not easy. Even if you have a Master’s degree and some experience in the industry you apply for.

However, I wouldn’t date an unemployed 45 year old man with children if I was a child free 30 year old with a good career. I also wouldn’t date someone who didn’t want anymore children if I was “on the fence.”

He worked for his ex? Did I get that right.
I get this feeling he is a bit of a cocklodger.

As others have said this has definitely been more of an extended holiday romance and not how real life would turn out.

Well done you for recognising that you need to think about your future. So keep that in mind.

I know too many women who've not had children because their DP/DH didn't want them who regretted it bitterly, especially those who's relationships ended and the exDP/exDH went into have a child with a younger woman, usually the OW.

@forrestgreen

If you saw his cv written down would you want to employ him? He seems happy with the status quo tbh, if it was happening to a friend would you have concerns for them?

That's a very good point. I know I wouldn't, and when I helped him improve his cv I had to do quite a bit of creative copywriting to make his incoherent work experience sound more logic.

@cravingthelook

He worked for his ex? Did I get that right. I get this feeling he is a bit of a cocklodger.

As others have said this has definitely been more of an extended holiday romance and not how real life would turn out.

Well done you for recognising that you need to think about your future. So keep that in mind.

No he did not work for his ex. His ex was (and still is) a very senior director at a company. When they asked her to move from country A to country B, they offered an admin role to her then husband too as part of the package. They worked in different departments.

@InLoveAndLost Unfortunately he still uses coke very occasionally (like once or twice a year) for big events like birthdays. An ugly habit that I am definitely not comfortable with, even though it doesn't seem to be an addiction as far as I can see.

If you’re not comfortable about drugs then I wouldn’t date someone who likes them. Also, if he felt “burnt out” from his admin job then he should’ve stayed until he found another job to move to! Bit of a selfish thing to do as a middle aged man with young children. Does he frequently jump job to job with large gaps between employment? I could understand him being unemployed since the pandemic as certain industries have closed, but admin work is a pretty stable job.

In the space of a few hours you have gone from thinking he’s the nicest man ever to... well what the rest of us realised when you outlined the detail.

So even your commitment to him must have been pretty superficial.

Don’t waste any more time, end it

@DiamondBright

It would be a deal breaker for me, he could have got a job stacking shelves in a supermarket rather than living purely off his lump sum.

Why did he quit a job without another one to go to?

Good question. He said he was really stressed and burnout, and he felt confident he could find something else at a more interesting company after having a couple of months to recover from his burnout. Of course he couldn't have predicted that Covid would hit right after that. As I said, really bad timing.

@Hagotcha80

In the space of a few hours you have gone from thinking he’s the nicest man ever to... well what the rest of us realised when you outlined the detail.

So even your commitment to him must have been pretty superficial.

Don’t waste any more time, end it

I still think he is the nicest man. I still think he is lovely and I love spending time with him and how he makes me feel. However this thread has brought to the surface some thoughts and worries that I was trying to keep buried in the back of my mind. I will need to think very well about what to do next.

Sounds like the ex wife persuaded this company to give him a job 'as part of the package'.

He sounds so pompous!

He quit the job his wife got for him because he was sure he could find a role at a 'more interesting' company. What superior experience and skills led him to believe that company wasn't good enough for him?

And burn out? Poor little lamb.

Also, 'professional football coach' my arse. He used to referee Sunday league footie would be my guess.

He is a classic cocklodger. Of course he runs when ex-wife clicks her fingers. He's earn't no money for a year and she is bankrolling him. He has you lined up for that job would be my guess.

It's a no from me op.

You are so young and you can do so much better. He is living on the down payment for a house and hasn't worked for a year!

I appreciate it is hard to get a job at the moment but it wasnt at the start of the first lockdown! One of my friends who couldnt work just turned up at tesco and was taken on then and there!

You could invest decades in raising his children and then that could all be swept away.

Take note of every post on here, OP.

And dump. There's no more to be said, he sounds like a walking cliche. Who doesn't support his kids and still somehow thinks he's Mr Too Cool For School.

He must be absolutely puffed up beyond all reason to have a younger girlfriend hanging on his every word. Just what you need to forget about the ones, like your wife, who saw through your bullshit years ago.

Nothing so absolutely unattractive as a man who does not support his children. She paid him off, and he's not working? It says it all. It was actually worth it to get rid of him. Think on that.

You need to think? For real? He's a cokehead who already has you tweaking his bloody CV, who quit the job his wife got for him because his ickle feelings were stressed and he's of course so great he was sure to get another and is fine wasting your time knowing you want something different because he's the great I Am.

He's not lovely! He's only so because he wants to keep you sweet to waste more of your time. His ex has the measure of him. He's a person who would rather spunk away his children's future financial security on himself and waste the life and fertility of a young woman on himself.

Your bar is so low a flea could limbo under it. You've got a career, a home, single and childfree, young, you've got it all going on. This guy isn't even worth the time of day.

YY, been there, done that, plenty of us have.

He can still be lovely and you can have had a very enjoyable six month holiday from reality with him.

That doesn't mean he's a good person for you to be trying to pursue a long term relationship with, or throwing away your chance to have children on him.

Something ending doesn't diminish how nice it was at the time, but everything in life is time limited. You have to let go when you reach that bittersweet ending, instead of clinging on while it disintegrates because you don't want to feel the loss. Trying to avoid endings only causes more pain in the long run.

It was a nice thing, it's run its course, take the good it's given you and move forward with your life.

Being a bit glib, it's like coming to the end of a film and wishing it wasn't over because you enjoyed it so much. If you responded to that by staying in the cinema watching it again and again on repeat for the rest of your life, it would rapidly lose any trace of the original specialness. It was special because it was temporary.