In love with an unemployed single dad and worried about the future

[InLoveAndLost]

Hi all, long time Mumsnet user but have NCed for this as I think some of the details might be outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history.

I have been dating for 6 months the nicest man ever. We used to work together but he quit his job right before the pandemic hit and he has been looking for work for a year now. He is 45, separated 18 months ago, with two DC (8 and 12). He has his DC 50% of the time and an amicable relationship with the ex wife.

For context, I am 30, never married, no DC, with a decent career in HR.

He is hands on the funniest, most caring, sexiest man I have ever been with. As I have been furloughed until recently, we spent a lot of our free time together just chilling, cooking, watching movies and going for walks. I know I am falling in love with him and he said he feels the same. We are honestly on cloud 9 when we are together, I have never felt like this about anyone before.

However, now that we have been dating for a while, there are a couple of things that make me hesitant about the long-term prospects of our relationship:

• The fact that he has DC and doesn't want anymore, whilst I am still on the fence on the topic. I have never dated anyone with DC before so I am not sure how that'd work.
• The fact that he seems to bend over forward for his ex-wife whenever she clicks her fingers. They are good friends, which I am sure is a positive thing for the kids, but sometimes their relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure about where I stand as they still seem to be so close.
• The fact that he has now been unemployed for a year and doesn't seem to have a solid plan in place to get out of the situation, besides applying for a few jobs every week. His field is not in great demand, and his job history is spotty as he was a professional sports coach for 10 years, until he joined his ex wife's company in a admin support role (that's the job he quit last year). He is still doing ok money wise as he has a big lump sum he got upon selling the marital home last year, but I have no idea how long that will last.

I swing between feeling madly in love with this wonderful man and feeling sick with worry that I am wasting my time on an impossible relationship. I wonder what kind of future is possible with someone with such different and complex personal circumstances.

Am I worrying for nothing? Should I just just enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts? Or should I seriously reconsider having a future with this man?

@Kittykat93

A year out of work? Nah. There are still lots of jobs out there.. he could be working. Couldn't be with someone who's lazy and workshy.

This ^

Sorry @InLoveAndLost but no way in HELL would I want to be in a relationship with a man who quit his job, without having another job to go to. And to still be out of work a YEAR later, with - seemingly - no attempt to have sought out another job for that whole time. WTF?

I don't care how 'lovely' or 'sexy' he is, a man who can't be arsed to work is as unappealing as a man who can't be arsed to learn to drive. Definite 'dealbreaker' territory.

If he was unhappy and burned out, he should have found another job before quitting. It's a grossly irresponsible and foolish thing to do,, to quit a job before getting another one. And as he quit it before the pandemic hit, he could easily have got another one - preferably before quitting his existing job!

Don't set your bar so low. You're still young. This is NOT a man I would want to be in a relationship with. As a pp said, a YEAR out of work? No excuse for it. Not under the circumstances you state.

@rawalpindithelabrador

Your time is only yours to waste. There's really nothing lovely and happy about a person who has kids to support and chooses not to work. Or a 45-year-old with more baggage than T5 wasting the time of a 30-year-old whom he knows wants to have kids.

I'd never do that to someone because it would be selfish of me to waste their time, I'd have cut them loose long before and tell them we're not on the same page and they need to spend their time with someone who's compatible with them. But this man is pretty selfish.

What a pity. I really hope my daughter doesn't go on to waste her time with losers like this.

Good post. ^

A year out of work? Nah. There are still lots of jobs out there.. he could be working. Couldn't be with someone who's lazy and workshy.

And he quit that job! An admin one, not like he had a nervous breakdown after working in a Covid ward, that, from the sounds of it, his ex (to whom he's probably still married and hasn't been arsed to divorce yet) got him because he was 'burned out'. Funny how he jacked in work once he got his hands on a settlement.

I've got friends in their 50s who divorced and got big settlements. What they did was buy their own place outright with it, invest anything left over into a pension and keep on working, and these are women with adult children they no longer have to pay to support! It's what responsible adults do!

@rawalpindithelabrador sorry to ask, but what 'stories?' I looked through the OP's 11 posts, and can't spot anything about her DP's stories.

[quote littlepattilou]@rawalpindithelabrador sorry to ask, but what 'stories?' I looked through the OP's 11 posts, and can't spot anything about her DP's stories.[/quote]
She says his ex didn't find his stories funny anymore in one post and then in another she says his stories are all from 15-25 years ago when he had a supposedly adventurous life. Yawn.

[quote littlepattilou]@rawalpindithelabrador sorry to ask, but what 'stories?' I looked through the OP's 11 posts, and can't spot anything about her DP's stories.[/quote]
Inloveandlost has got the story teller. The original OP seems to have left the building.

Sorry ignore that, “the original OP “ is another thread altogether!

Motorbike, funny stories from years ago, younger girlfriend, no job...

You Madam, have yourself a midlife crisis. Dump and run.

Urghh he sounds a tedious cringeworthy bore......repeating and no doubt embellishing stories from a quarter of a century ago - like some old fossil when you were starting infant school! Yuck.

And it seems done nothing or achieved anything so exciting or interesting since ...... in 10 years time he will still be chuntering on about shit from 35 years ago ie in THE LAST CENTURY ...... whilst he sets you up as the nurse with a purse.

Were his adventures around the rave/dance/Ibiza thing? I know a few middle aged addled coke heads who are stuck in the nostalgia of their heyday.

@Sssloou

Urghh he sounds a tedious cringeworthy bore......repeating and no doubt embellishing stories from a quarter of a century ago - like some old fossil when you were starting infant school! Yuck.

And it seems done nothing or achieved anything so exciting or interesting since ...... in 10 years time he will still be chuntering on about shit from 35 years ago ie in THE LAST CENTURY ...... whilst he sets you up as the nurse with a purse.

Were his adventures around the rave/dance/Ibiza thing? I know a few middle aged addled coke heads who are stuck in the nostalgia of their heyday.

Oh God, yes to Ibiza and raves. Unfortunately he still uses coke very occasionally (like once or twice a year) for big events like birthdays. An ugly habit that I am definitely not comfortable with, even though it doesn't seem to be an addiction as far as I can see.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Motorbike, funny stories from years ago, younger girlfriend, no job...

You Madam, have yourself a midlife crisis. Dump and run.

Oh God this sounds awful too. I feel dumb now

Omg the 'Storytellers' my ex was like this. It gets boring very very very very fast. And shows they've literally done nothing of interest since their twenties.

It's ok though don't feel silly! You had the sense to question where it was all going. If you cut your losses now it can all just be a nice memory

There's just about possibly every bad thing you could say about a potential partner here . No, just no !

Ah and we have a coke user for a full dickhead bingo!

You're too good for this guy OP, that's the long and short of it.

You're kind, motivated and hard working. You may want a family.

He can't give you the emotional stability or life goals that you want and need.

He's using his lump sum of money from the house to take time off and essentially have a pretend extended holiday with you instead of real life.

Which wouldn't be as shitty if he only had himself to consider, but he is a father. Ick.

Just so much ick with the laziness, Ibiza tall tales from 15/20 years ago. Dabbling in coke still. Not stepping up as a coparent to the extent one would hope a decent guy would by getting a job instead of living off his children's inheritance / children's financial security...

Cut your losses. At least you can now while you're still young and have time to meet someone you are compatible with long term.

He can get another job, that wouldn’t worry me. If he seemed work shy that would put me off

I would be concerned about him being done with children unless you knew you didn’t want them
But if you didn’t want them would you want to me a step mum to his?

The relationship with the ex wife wouldn’t concern me too much. He has to do what his ex wants I for the children maybe.
If he was staying for cosy dinners and watching films with her I would be concerned

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Ah and we have a coke user for a full dickhead bingo!

You're too good for this guy OP, that's the long and short of it.

You're kind, motivated and hard working. You may want a family.

He can't give you the emotional stability or life goals that you want and need.

He's using his lump sum of money from the house to take time off and essentially have a pretend extended holiday with you instead of real life.

Which wouldn't be as shitty if he only had himself to consider, but he is a father. Ick.

Just so much ick with the laziness, Ibiza tall tales from 15/20 years ago. Dabbling in coke still. Not stepping up as a coparent to the extent one would hope a decent guy would by getting a job instead of living off his children's inheritance / children's financial security...

Cut your losses. At least you can now while you're still young and have time to meet someone you are compatible with long term.

This is very spot on

If all of the above hasn’t put you off before now, then I have to applaud you for managing to only see the good in people ...

Nope just nope. I bet he uses coccaine more than you know too. See if he is sniffing a lot or has to go to the toilet more than usual.

You can do much better OP, start a family and life journey with someone that doesn't come with ex wife and kid baggage.

And you'll know when you want kids, your body clock will be screaming at you ;-)

Just get rid.

The post about how he's dating a 30-year-old because women his age have the measure of him and wouldn't give him the time of day are spot on.

Lesson learned.

Really hope you've got the ick now because there's zero attractive about a 45-year-old man with two youngish children who appears to have sponged through life and is now cruising around on a motorbike on unemployment wasting the time of a 30-year-old he knows wants kids. What a creep! I'm 52 but I'd never consider wasting someone's time like this back when I was 45, it would be wrong and selfish of me.

The stories. Dead god.

Just, man, you lost me at quit an admin job his ex wife got him with two kids to support to 'start a new chapter in life'. His new chapter of finding someone else to sponge off.

Nurse with a purse indeed.

A simple, 'It's been a lot of fun, but this relationship has really run its course. I'm not interested in pursuing it further and need to move on. Best of luck in the future' will suffice.

You don't owe him anything.

Don't trust your heart, use your head.
I've been out with men like this and ended up frustrated and angry.
Once the gloss wears off you will find out he is actually a gilded turd.

Run. The hills are that way. Why on earth would you saddle yourself with all this?

youvegotten is spot on. And yy, instead of remaining employed and buying a place of his own with the settlement to give his children a secure place to stay whilst he does his best to earn to pay for them, he jacks in work and blows it, literally, on himself.

Start getting an ick factor after you dump him, start by spending time on the step parent boards.

Can't you just enjoy it for what it is for now? Why the rush to decide if it's forever?

@roarfeckingroarr

Can't you just enjoy it for what it is for now? Why the rush to decide if it's forever?

Because she's too emotionally involved and invested is why.

@roarfeckingroarr

Can't you just enjoy it for what it is for now? Why the rush to decide if it's forever?

Because emotions and feelings don't work like that. Plus, she could easily sleepwalk from "enjoying it for what it is" into suddenly he has been iving with her for the past 4 years, she has been given an exciting new job opportunity abroad but she cant leave because it would mean leaving him AND making him homeless AND disrupting his daughter who shes grown very fond of just as she starts her GCSEs etc etc etc

Waste. Of. Time. OP....