In love with an unemployed single dad and worried about the future

[InLoveAndLost]

Hi all, long time Mumsnet user but have NCed for this as I think some of the details might be outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history.

I have been dating for 6 months the nicest man ever. We used to work together but he quit his job right before the pandemic hit and he has been looking for work for a year now. He is 45, separated 18 months ago, with two DC (8 and 12). He has his DC 50% of the time and an amicable relationship with the ex wife.

For context, I am 30, never married, no DC, with a decent career in HR.

He is hands on the funniest, most caring, sexiest man I have ever been with. As I have been furloughed until recently, we spent a lot of our free time together just chilling, cooking, watching movies and going for walks. I know I am falling in love with him and he said he feels the same. We are honestly on cloud 9 when we are together, I have never felt like this about anyone before.

However, now that we have been dating for a while, there are a couple of things that make me hesitant about the long-term prospects of our relationship:

• The fact that he has DC and doesn't want anymore, whilst I am still on the fence on the topic. I have never dated anyone with DC before so I am not sure how that'd work.
• The fact that he seems to bend over forward for his ex-wife whenever she clicks her fingers. They are good friends, which I am sure is a positive thing for the kids, but sometimes their relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure about where I stand as they still seem to be so close.
• The fact that he has now been unemployed for a year and doesn't seem to have a solid plan in place to get out of the situation, besides applying for a few jobs every week. His field is not in great demand, and his job history is spotty as he was a professional sports coach for 10 years, until he joined his ex wife's company in a admin support role (that's the job he quit last year). He is still doing ok money wise as he has a big lump sum he got upon selling the marital home last year, but I have no idea how long that will last.

I swing between feeling madly in love with this wonderful man and feeling sick with worry that I am wasting my time on an impossible relationship. I wonder what kind of future is possible with someone with such different and complex personal circumstances.

Am I worrying for nothing? Should I just just enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts? Or should I seriously reconsider having a future with this man?

Dreary washed up cokehead who failed at work and marriage. Why’s your self worth so low, OP?

have you had a conversation with him about his future plans and ambitions? Might be worth finding out what they are, he might have big ideas. If he doesn't have real ambition I'm not sure it's worth staying with him. Not to say there's nothing wrong with wanting a quiet life, but to be comfortable not to do much at all is going to be impossible to live with long term.

What exactly is so attractive about him? Is he really good in bed?

@Cheesypea

Sounds like the ex wife persuaded this company to give him a job 'as part of the package'.

Totally, and yet he, who needed his wife's position to gain the position, happily resigned, assured he would puck up another job easily...yea right.

The characterisations of this type of man are frankly hilarious.

Women of a certain age have seen him and is ilk, if they are lucky, not up close, and only from a distance.

OP, you are soooo young.
You have NO idea how old him and his stories will become.

I don't believe you would get seriously attached to him.
You sound too bright, ......but you could end up wasting longer that you should which would be a shame.

I'm not sure I believe he coincidentally left his job right at the same time he separated from his wife - more likely he was let go as there was no need for the firm to provide a vanity role for him anymore.

You've had a nice romance with him but honestly the more you post the worse he sounds. Throw this one back.

It's not just being unemployed. It's a hard environment to find a job. But what is he doing to improve his employability. Is he volunteering? Studying? Researching? Learning? Networking?

Please set yourself a deadline to decide. Looking for a life partner, especially when you might want to have kids, is materially different at 39 compared with 35, which is materially different from looking at 31. I speak from experience.

You may not realise how much of a catch you are.

Dump him. It will end in tears later if you don't.
I am nearer his age and have several children but there is no way I would date him if I were single.

He's not 'lovely', anyone can be lovely if they are only pleasing themselves and dossing around watching films and going for romantic walks. Of course he is dating a much younger, childless woman. A woman if his own age with children wouldn't put up with him and would have a lot more responsibilities which he, no doubt, wouldn't like.

-He is lazy and unreliable (no job for a year and a patchy employment history)

-He has a high opinion of himself which isn't justified by the facts (won't work in a supermarket/ as a delivery driver and, despite his poor employment record and lack of skills, thought he could get a better job than the last one)

He is a leech (happy for his ex wife to support him and happy for her to work very hard to do so)

He is thoroughly irresponsible (spending proceeds of divorce to live on instead of getting a job and putting this as a deposit towards a house).

He can't cope with stress (was 'burnt out' with a basic level admin job which he only got because of his wife).

He has children AND doesn't want any more which is a massive negative for a young woman like you.

Burnt out? Stressed out?

I get that. But if that were so, why did he not take unpaid leave/sick leave/ask for a less stressful position?

Chucking it in the hope of better happy times at a new job? What would’ve happened if he found that shit too?

Chancer.

Entirely, gorilla and a coke user, too.

[quote WaterBottle123]@lollipoprainbow

Personally? Just my FIL. Nationally there will be thousands! Are you not in the UK? Teen pregnancies are pretty high here. [/quote]
15 is not a common age to have a baby. 15 year olds are children. If her OH was 18+ years older then I would say he was old enough to be her dad.

@felineflutter

What stands out for me is a man who has already had children and doesn't want anymore. Typical of divorced/separated men. So he expects you to be his sex toy?

I could not be with someone that point blank said they didn't want children with me in my 30s. How unromantic and distasteful especially as he is so much older than you.

He is a selfish loser sorry. I would be really upset if my DD went out with this man.

Okish for a fling but I would get the hell out now. You sound lovely if a little naive. Please find someone else.

People have a right to not want children or not want any more children that they already have. It doesn't make someone selfish! What a weird statement. He made it clear to OP from the start that he doesn't want any more children and that is perfectly fine. It might mean they are not compatible as a couple but doesn't mean there is anything wrong with him.

Not having some sort of career at 45 would put me off. It’s obvious if you carry on this relationship you will be funding him and his children (when he has them which is 50% of the time). I think the fact you’re 15 years younger with a decent job and no DCs just proves it won’t work anyway.

Don’t throw what some would say, are the best years of your life away for a man-child.

This doesn't sound like a relationship that end well or benefit you massively, OP.
You're so young and can be with something who can give you a lot more than this guy.

You may not want kids, OP, but keep going and you'll be raising them anyway...

@CutePixie

Not common, no. But he IS old enough to be her dad, easily. Which I personally find creepy. But that's just me.

He said he was really stressed and burnout, and he felt confident he could find something else at a more interesting company after having a couple of months to recover from his burnout

Oh please! He's spinning this like hell. His job went because it was only ever there because of his ex wife. He didn't leave, he was pushed.

Wake up and smell the bullshit!

And as for only doing coke "a couple of times a year"... yeah, right. More spinning.

Even if you take his spinning at face value, he's basically saying he was "burned out" by an admin job? A cushy admin job that was only invented so he could earn some money while working for his wife?

BULLSHIT!!!

Totally agree that he is unlikely to have left his job willingly. Far more likely that he was either pushed or it was made clear to him that as his wife and him are no longer together, the pity job was no longer on the cards (am also slightly confused by the whole "she moved to another country so they gave him a job" thing. I've never seen that before. I have seen the odd case where a spouse/family may receive an allowance or similar to accommodate the move, but an actual job? weird.). Also, I take it that you're all now in the country to which he and his wife moved? At what point do they go back to their own home?

Coke a few times a year IS believable to me as I know a couple of people like that. Unfortunately, those people spend a LOT of time looking forward to their nights of drugs and I do feel that it negatively impacts other things in their life. No other party is ever as much fun. No social event can ever live up to their annual New Years Party or the traditional birthday bash Dave and Mary host for their birthdays every year. they spend a lot of time being slightly disappointed in the quality of entertainment on offer at any given moment. Plus, those nights are absolutely sacrosanct. You could be in hospital with a life threatening illness and they will resent having to leave the party early, sober, to be by your bedside.

@HelloThereMeHearties

He said he was really stressed and burnout, and he felt confident he could find something else at a more interesting company after having a couple of months to recover from his burnout

Oh please! He's spinning this like hell. His job went because it was only ever there because of his ex wife. He didn't leave, he was pushed.

Wake up and smell the bullshit!

And as for only doing coke "a couple of times a year"... yeah, right. More spinning.

I know he voluntarily quit as I stil worked for the company at the time and I know his manager tried his best to make him see the light (as in not leave because it was going to be tough for him to find another position given his skills and experience).

Essentially he was sick of the office politics and I think he felt that in that company he was forever going to be known as "the husband of" as his ex-wife was so much more senior and well-known than him. He wanted to get out there and build a life, an identity, and a career for himself away from his ex-wife.

I think the idea was noble and potentially right, it is just that he wasn't very realistic about his career prospects. I think he overestimated how attractive his profile might be on the job market, and of course he couldn't have predicted the pandemic.

@Gemma2019

I'm not sure I believe he coincidentally left his job right at the same time he separated from his wife - more likely he was let go as there was no need for the firm to provide a vanity role for him anymore.

You've had a nice romance with him but honestly the more you post the worse he sounds. Throw this one back.

I wondered about the timing of all this myself?

You were all in the company together at one point.
Did this relationship start out as an affair?
Wife at work found out - She divorced him -You left the company - He got his pay out from her - He left the company - Now you are left with a Divorced, 45 year old, father of two with no job and plenty of stories to tell.

Is this your prize?

I meant that he's obviously lying about how/why he left his job, so I reckon he's lying about the coke too.

I mean, "burnout". WTAF Such an impressive sounding term, so much better than "I was let go, and CBA to find another job".

Ooh yes OP - are there some titchy little details that you're not sharing with us? Like how/when you and him got together?

The man's obviously a fantasist. Did you spin you a bit of a fantasy, as well?

I think he overestimated how attractive his profile might be on the job market

Especially as he can't even write his own CV, had to get you to "polish it up" a bit because his work history is so poor...

You know, this man sounds so much like what I suspect BIL would be like if SIL ever got rid of him. It's not that he's a bad person, but very quick to play the victim. Someone he works with who I know told me that his family is just everything to him and he inconveniences himself a lot for them and it took all my willpower not to burst out laughing.

What amazes me is how anyone finds men like this sexy and interesting. He's useless and weak and a bit silly. And before anyone jumps on me to say that I wouldn't say this if it was a woman, I can assure you, I would. I've never understood the attraction to a person, male or female, who is largely incompetent and just wants to be looked after.

He made it clear to OP from the start that he doesn't want any more children and that is perfectly fine. It might mean they are not compatible as a couple but doesn't mean there is anything wrong with him.

Totally disagree. To start a relationship with someone a lot younger than yourself who does probably want children when you have already had some is all kinds of wrong.

If he had any kind of moral compass he would leave OP alone.