In love with an unemployed single dad and worried about the future

[InLoveAndLost]

Hi all, long time Mumsnet user but have NCed for this as I think some of the details might be outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history.

I have been dating for 6 months the nicest man ever. We used to work together but he quit his job right before the pandemic hit and he has been looking for work for a year now. He is 45, separated 18 months ago, with two DC (8 and 12). He has his DC 50% of the time and an amicable relationship with the ex wife.

For context, I am 30, never married, no DC, with a decent career in HR.

He is hands on the funniest, most caring, sexiest man I have ever been with. As I have been furloughed until recently, we spent a lot of our free time together just chilling, cooking, watching movies and going for walks. I know I am falling in love with him and he said he feels the same. We are honestly on cloud 9 when we are together, I have never felt like this about anyone before.

However, now that we have been dating for a while, there are a couple of things that make me hesitant about the long-term prospects of our relationship:

• The fact that he has DC and doesn't want anymore, whilst I am still on the fence on the topic. I have never dated anyone with DC before so I am not sure how that'd work.
• The fact that he seems to bend over forward for his ex-wife whenever she clicks her fingers. They are good friends, which I am sure is a positive thing for the kids, but sometimes their relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure about where I stand as they still seem to be so close.
• The fact that he has now been unemployed for a year and doesn't seem to have a solid plan in place to get out of the situation, besides applying for a few jobs every week. His field is not in great demand, and his job history is spotty as he was a professional sports coach for 10 years, until he joined his ex wife's company in a admin support role (that's the job he quit last year). He is still doing ok money wise as he has a big lump sum he got upon selling the marital home last year, but I have no idea how long that will last.

I swing between feeling madly in love with this wonderful man and feeling sick with worry that I am wasting my time on an impossible relationship. I wonder what kind of future is possible with someone with such different and complex personal circumstances.

Am I worrying for nothing? Should I just just enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts? Or should I seriously reconsider having a future with this man?

Dump him and become friends with his ex wife, she sounds awesome.

Aye that. And she can give you lessons on how to get lazy hangers on out of your life.

You may be "on the fence" about having children now, but every single woman I knew who felt like that (ie who wasn't actively against having children) changed their mind when their late thirties hit. They're all mothers now.

[quote InLoveAndLost]@Respectabitch according to him they just grew apart and became incompatible after meeting quite young and spending many years together. He has once made a comment about "his stories suddenly not being funny anymore".

They seem to get on very well now and his ex wife has a new bf who is pretty much the polar opposite of her ex husband as far as I can tell from the outside.[/quote]
She outgrew him. I suspect that you are already!

In my limited experience caring grown up people who have been responsible for bringing an eight year old and a twelve year old don’t quit their jobs unless they have a new and better job ready to start the following week. Its not caring . And its not funny or sexy either. Try irresponsible, selfish and lazy if you want adjectives.

Just an observation.

I think in this situation, you will have to give a lot- it sounds like it would be a bit of a one-way street. I’m very dubious about anyone who quits a job with nothing to go to and a family to support- especially as at the point he quit he was presumably divorced/ separated and therefore was cutting off his ‘household’s’ only source of income.

Tbh OP, your description of what happened between him and his ex makes me 99% sure that his wife getting pissed off with his laziness is exactly what happened. At some point you'll have heard all of his funny stories many times and the sex will have lost its novelty. What will you have then?

Sounds like a lockdown romance to me

He’s clearly been supported by his wife and so hasn’t twigged he shouldn’t be burning through his money - which means you’ll end up supporting him. Plus you might well want children.

So, unless you want to be the bread winner for someone who can’t be arsed to work, and to sacrifice the possibility of kids, and to live with an ever present ex, move along now.

Also the age gap is a bit too big, I’m not saying it’s a deal breaker, but it’s another factor.

And.

If the ex wife has gone for the polar opposite of your current squeeze, that will tell you absolutely everything that you will need to know I reckon.

I would love to read the ex-wife's take on this.

Dump him and become friends with his ex wife, she sounds awesome.
Yep.

You've had fun with him, move on. He's for a good time, not a long time.

I'd be worried about

a) if I wanted children, or wanted the possibility - this would be deal breaker and would end it if he is sure he doesn't
b) if he is living off the house equity

So his wife stopped laughing at his stories, I am willing to bet she stopped laughing some years ago. I see you have been dating for 6 months. I wonder if “his stories” still sound fresh and funny to you even after such a short time. Or are you beginning to realise that they are the same old stories, about people and places you don’t know, ( and frankly don’t care much about) , and that happened quite a while ago. Does he have any new stories, that only happened a few weeks ago, or does every other one begin with “that reminds me” or “ Did I ever tell you about” .

It’s the having children bit which makes me say leave. I was unsure at 30 if I wanted children, I had one at 36 and my second at 39.
Don’t give up your chance of children

Lots of harsh but perhaps fair comments. You all gave me a lot of food for thought. I recognize that my concerns are probably valid and that this lovely bubble of happiness and lovedupness is not likely to last much longer, as sad as that is.

Thank you all for your input!

@viques

So his wife stopped laughing at his stories, I am willing to bet she stopped laughing some years ago. I see you have been dating for 6 months. I wonder if “his stories” still sound fresh and funny to you even after such a short time. Or are you beginning to realise that they are the same old stories, about people and places you don’t know, ( and frankly don’t care much about) , and that happened quite a while ago. Does he have any new stories, that only happened a few weeks ago, or does every other one begin with “that reminds me” or “ Did I ever tell you about” .

This is quite spot on, especially the last bit. His stories are all about 15/20/25 years ago when he had a rather adventurous life before settling down and having kids. Never thought about it before 😅

I’m 30 and while the age gap is fine. The fact he doesn’t work, is spending his savings and doesn’t want any more kids would make me run for the hills. I think you got bored in lockdown and he wanted a companion. Trust me when the real world comes back you’ll see sense. You deserve so much more then that loser.

@jimmyjammy001

You are both at completely different life stages, when lockdown finishes are things start going back to normal going for walks and spending time watching movies will be over, you might want to buy a house one day start a family, go on nice family holidays and weekends away, you won't be able to do any of that with an unemployed bloke with baggage, I'd move on now before you get any more emotionally involved and end up regreting it in a few years when you realised you have wasted years when you could of found some one more compatible easier but now left it to late

So many great posts on this thread OP, I'm picking this one to add to - you're not living in 'real time' at the moment OP, none of us are. Things will be different at some point and if you paint yourself into a corner with this man then it will be a very hard-hitting realisation to you when we come out of the other side of this pandemic.

You are not aligned with what he is and what he does. He doesn't want what you do. You would have to make ALL the concessions to carry on this relationship whilst he doesn't have to make any. That's not ok.

If you want to be with him then carry on - but absolutely don't make long-term plans for your future with him. That's not to say that that can't happen, just that you shouldn't commit to it at this point in time. That would be incredibly foolish and far more difficult than just making those definite plans right now.

Personally, I wouldn't be with a man who doesn't work/has no income.

Fantastic spot advice above.

Holiday romance is all this is.

Try and make more out of it and you will bitterly regret it.

He's had his time, this is yours.

Don't sell yourself so short on a man who has children, doesn't want more, is blowing his assets, gave up his job, and jumps to the click of the fingers of another woman.

I bet he's weak for you.
Why wouldn't he be, lovely young woman with a career that seems to accept he won't have more children and will keep him into his dotage and expect nothing of him.

Back away OP, this and him will get very old very quickly and you will have lost valuable time when you might have met someone who is your equal, not some work shy old fellow that is looking for someone to mind him and listen to his stories.

@SheldonesqueIsUnwell

You don’t quit a job without having another to go to - pandemic or not - if you have kids to pay for. Unless this was a joint decision with his wife and it was agreed she would pay if he found himself long term unemployed.

You don’t spend equity or savings unless absolutely necessary if unemployed. Does he fritter it? Or don’t you know?

You may not want kids or know about that at the moment. But you might and he has said no. Would he be in a position to support you if you became pregnant? Would he want to?

As for his stories not being funny any more?

Aye I see that.

This one isn’t funny either.

Re: his money, he does get a decent unemployment wage in the country we live (not the UK). Probably enough to cover rent, basic bills and food.

I'd say he isn't super extravagant with money, but he doesn't count every penny either (occasionally ordering takeaways, having a few dinners out before lockdown, has a motorbike). I guess he is using a small amount of his equity money every month, but not burning through it super fast.

@InLoveAndLost

Lots of harsh but perhaps fair comments. You all gave me a lot of food for thought. I recognize that my concerns are probably valid and that this lovely bubble of happiness and lovedupness is not likely to last much longer, as sad as that is.

Ah you are lovely OP and deserve so much more.

If you met at work and he used to work at the same place as his ex, does that mean you still do? Does she know about you? Could it make work difficult for you if she didn't approve?

I think at your age you need to be thinking seriously about of you want kids or not. It's ok to not, but of you do you need to move on.

You'll be told 30 is so YOUNG and you've YEARS left to have a baby. But in reality you would want to be with somebody a couple of years and living together first, if you struggle to concieve you'll need to be trying for two years before gp will care. Assuming it takes you time to get over him and find someone new, you're now 35. Perfectly fine age for babies, even a few. But if you waste years with him that 35 becomes 40 very easily

@SleepingStandingUp

If you met at work and he used to work at the same place as his ex, does that mean you still do? Does she know about you? Could it make work difficult for you if she didn't approve?

I think at your age you need to be thinking seriously about of you want kids or not. It's ok to not, but of you do you need to move on.

You'll be told 30 is so YOUNG and you've YEARS left to have a baby. But in reality you would want to be with somebody a couple of years and living together first, if you struggle to concieve you'll need to be trying for two years before gp will care. Assuming it takes you time to get over him and find someone new, you're now 35. Perfectly fine age for babies, even a few. But if you waste years with him that 35 becomes 40 very easily

We all used to work for the same employer yes. In the meantime I have moved on to another company, he has left and she is still there.

@InLoveAndLost

Lots of harsh but perhaps fair comments. You all gave me a lot of food for thought. I recognize that my concerns are probably valid and that this lovely bubble of happiness and lovedupness is not likely to last much longer, as sad as that is.

Thank you all for your input!

Your time is only yours to waste. There's really nothing lovely and happy about a person who has kids to support and chooses not to work. Or a 45-year-old with more baggage than T5 wasting the time of a 30-year-old whom he knows wants to have kids. I'd never do that to someone because it would be selfish of me to waste their time, I'd have cut them loose long before and tell them we're not on the same page and they need to spend their time with someone who's compatible with them. But this man is pretty selfish.

What a pity. I really hope my daughter doesn't go on to waste her time with losers like this.

@SheldonesqueIsUnwell

Dump him and become friends with his ex wife, she sounds awesome.

Aye that. And she can give you lessons on how to get lazy hangers on out of your life.

Good post from @rawalpindithelabrador ^

God, a story teller. Had one of those in my early 30s, right before I met DH. Bored me spitless. But at least he was actually divorced and had no kids (wouldn't have even had a date with him otherwise). And he had a job and his own flat and car.