In love with an unemployed single dad and worried about the future

[InLoveAndLost]

Hi all, long time Mumsnet user but have NCed for this as I think some of the details might be outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history.

I have been dating for 6 months the nicest man ever. We used to work together but he quit his job right before the pandemic hit and he has been looking for work for a year now. He is 45, separated 18 months ago, with two DC (8 and 12). He has his DC 50% of the time and an amicable relationship with the ex wife.

For context, I am 30, never married, no DC, with a decent career in HR.

He is hands on the funniest, most caring, sexiest man I have ever been with. As I have been furloughed until recently, we spent a lot of our free time together just chilling, cooking, watching movies and going for walks. I know I am falling in love with him and he said he feels the same. We are honestly on cloud 9 when we are together, I have never felt like this about anyone before.

However, now that we have been dating for a while, there are a couple of things that make me hesitant about the long-term prospects of our relationship:

• The fact that he has DC and doesn't want anymore, whilst I am still on the fence on the topic. I have never dated anyone with DC before so I am not sure how that'd work.
• The fact that he seems to bend over forward for his ex-wife whenever she clicks her fingers. They are good friends, which I am sure is a positive thing for the kids, but sometimes their relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure about where I stand as they still seem to be so close.
• The fact that he has now been unemployed for a year and doesn't seem to have a solid plan in place to get out of the situation, besides applying for a few jobs every week. His field is not in great demand, and his job history is spotty as he was a professional sports coach for 10 years, until he joined his ex wife's company in a admin support role (that's the job he quit last year). He is still doing ok money wise as he has a big lump sum he got upon selling the marital home last year, but I have no idea how long that will last.

I swing between feeling madly in love with this wonderful man and feeling sick with worry that I am wasting my time on an impossible relationship. I wonder what kind of future is possible with someone with such different and complex personal circumstances.

Am I worrying for nothing? Should I just just enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts? Or should I seriously reconsider having a future with this man?

@MrsTerryPratchett

Let that motorbike part be the expensive but worth it lesson.

It will be cheap in the end.

This. Don't keep waiting round. You're wasting your own precious time.

'I think I will . . . '

This guy is a total user and loser. Now you see why his wife got rid of him.

He has no intention of paying you back. I'd contact him one last time. 'I really need that money back. I'll turn on notifications from my account so I'll know when it's been transferred.' Once it is, simple as. 'This relationship has run it's course. It's time for us to go our separate ways and I need to move on. All the best but we're through.'

And then you delete this sponge from your life because you are worth so much more.

And don't just 'think' you'll break up with him. C'mon.

So what happened to the equity in his house on which he was living? Why didn't he use some of that if he needed to pay dentist bills? Obviously he didn't need to because he could just sponge off you! You may get your money back (hopefully) but if not, it will still be a cheap price to pay for not having him continuing to abuse your kindness.

Always a huge red flag when a man asks to borrow money! Obviously had no problem asking you.

The best thing you can do now Op. is to contact him and say you've just received a huge bill for X, Y or Z make it up! but tell him he needs to put the money he owes you into your account ASAP, otherwise as the days go on he will have it spent, will probably come up with an excuse that he had to provide money for his kids!

It will be interesting to see if he ever pays back the money.

He felt comfortable enough to tell you about the Motor bike accessory as he obviously had no plan to pay you back the loan!
He is probably kicking himself!

Get ready for the next pitiful whining about how money is tight for him.

Its well for him giving up his job, unemployed for over a year and has you to fund his lifestyle. He sees you as a soft touch.

Once you get your money back! for God sake get rid of him!

Best of luck!

Definitely don't carry on with him because of this money. Try to get it back another time and then that's it. Cut him loose either way. Really hope you get shot of him and have learned your lesson about guys like this.

He’s an unemployed father of two, borrowing off you and buying himself extravagant accessories for his motorcycle. Talk about selfish, entitled and irresponsible. The scales must really be falling from your eyes, OP. Most definitely not a keeper.

His wife will have lost a lot of money to this sponger, too.

Oh my. How much was the loan? Do you think he really paid the bills with it?

@RantyAnty

Oh my. How much was the loan? Do you think he really paid the bills with it?

He probably did, so he could use 'his' money to buy fun stuff for himself.

Probably the type that comes over to the OP's home, gets fed, gets watered, gets sex and a cozy bed, and brings maybe a bottle of wine.

Oh and of course he has a motorbike! It's like a full house on a bingo card here - to go with the occasional coke usage, finding himself, unemployment, borrowing money etc.

@RantyAnty

Oh my. How much was the loan? Do you think he really paid the bills with it?

It was 5k. He said his equity was in his foreign bank account and it was going to take him a few days to move it here and the bill needed to be payed ASAP.

He just told me on the phone that he will transfer the money to me this evening. Let's see, at this point I don't know if I will ever see the money again. I am so bloody angry at him and myself too.

I am supposed to see him on Thursday evening and I will tell him it is over then.

5K OMG! That's some dental work!!!

What a load of bullshit- Foreign Bank accounts, transferring money etc.
Don't let on anything is wrong- be your normal sweet self with him.

Don't be surprised if he breaks up with you first!

Fucking hell! FIVE GRAND! What kind of dental work was it? Christ on a cracker! I'd give him till around 9pm. 'Hmm, no money in my account. As you understand and agreed, this was a loan and I really do need the money back.'

You don't owe him a face-to-face breakup and tbh, he's manipulated you so badly you probably shouldn't with him as he will twist and plead and you'll take him back.

Get the money and don't fucking thank him for returning your own cash to you. Take your life back.

'This relationship has run its course. It's time to move on so I'm finishing it now. Wish you all the best but we're through, it's not up for discussion and I don't want any further contact.'

This guy saw you coming. Once you get rid of him, please don't date until you've really worked on your boundaries. 6 months in and he has had you hand over a huge sum of money and hasn't immediately paid it back but bought a toy for himself.

I would absolutely haunt him to get that money back.

A huge amount to borrow from someone he barely knows.

Absolutely appalling.

Dating for 6 months, he's unemployed and borrowing large sums of money that he doesn't immediately pay back (but chooses to purchase bits toys instead)??? You need to walk away from this one OP, even if you don't get your money back.

You deserve SOOO much better than this scrounger.

Oh I am so sorry @InLoveAndLost ..... that’s really shocking. I suspect that there will be lots of other incidents that you will now reflect back on with your new shiny MN spectacles......

£5K dental work at 45 years old.....let me join some more dots for you....

americanaddictioncenters.org/health-complications-addiction/dental-health

£5K is a huge amount of money.

With these types you need to come down on him like a ton of bricks v hard and v fast.

I would give him a short hard deadline and I would threaten him police / legal involvement in recovery of the money.

I would also threaten him with exposing him to his social group - that would sting the fragile, deluded ego of Mr Cokehead.

Well at least you now have solid proof of what we have all been saying about him, if there was a vestige doubt left in your mind.

He got you to lend him a large sum of money that he could have accessed himself if he'd been more organised, and then he prioritised spending on his midlife crisis toy before paying you back!!

You get that money back, then spend some of it on a big bottle of Champagne to celebrate your LUCKY ESCAPE!!!!!

There is NO way I would walk away from 5,000.
Not a chance.
He needs to be plagued to get that money transferred back to OP.

Plagued.

5,000...not a chance would I leave him not return that.

@billy1966

There is NO way I would walk away from 5,000. Not a chance. He needs to be plagued to get that money transferred back to OP.

Plagued.

5,000...not a chance would I leave him not return that.

Yeah, I was thinking it was more like £500.

I'm really hoping he returned it and the OP will update with the happy news.

Yea 500 to get rid of the waster maybe, but 5,000 is a huge amount.

He is a right piece of work.

I so hope she gets it back.🤞

Dental work🙄

Cosmetic work? 🙄

And him not contributing towards his children.

Dear lord, if one of my girls came home with someone like him I'd have to tranquilized.
Not to mind my husband 🤣

Oh op I was going to say that alot of posters were being harsh...until the money thing...think about it logically if you knew you needed to have dental work done and you knew it was going to take a few days to get your money from the bank you'd organise it before making the dental appointment...he then forgot he owed you 5k?? Absolute waste of space!!! Get rid ASAP but I really hope you get your money back

I truly hope you got your money back!

His story doesn't really add up does it?

He mentioned unemployment check. Is he really getting 5k a month unemployment pay? I'd like to know what country you can get that kind of a deal in!

Then the part about it taking a few days to transfer money from where it's being held. It's been several weeks. More than enough time to transfer money back to you.

Plus mentioning he forgot owing you 5k. Really?

5k! Oh dear! Do you have anything in writing? I'd do my best to get it back, then please get rid of this loser.

Did he send you the money back OP? Fucking hell five grand! The brass neck of him! Hoping for you he's sent it back