In love with an unemployed single dad and worried about the future

[InLoveAndLost]

Hi all, long time Mumsnet user but have NCed for this as I think some of the details might be outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history.

I have been dating for 6 months the nicest man ever. We used to work together but he quit his job right before the pandemic hit and he has been looking for work for a year now. He is 45, separated 18 months ago, with two DC (8 and 12). He has his DC 50% of the time and an amicable relationship with the ex wife.

For context, I am 30, never married, no DC, with a decent career in HR.

He is hands on the funniest, most caring, sexiest man I have ever been with. As I have been furloughed until recently, we spent a lot of our free time together just chilling, cooking, watching movies and going for walks. I know I am falling in love with him and he said he feels the same. We are honestly on cloud 9 when we are together, I have never felt like this about anyone before.

However, now that we have been dating for a while, there are a couple of things that make me hesitant about the long-term prospects of our relationship:

• The fact that he has DC and doesn't want anymore, whilst I am still on the fence on the topic. I have never dated anyone with DC before so I am not sure how that'd work.
• The fact that he seems to bend over forward for his ex-wife whenever she clicks her fingers. They are good friends, which I am sure is a positive thing for the kids, but sometimes their relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure about where I stand as they still seem to be so close.
• The fact that he has now been unemployed for a year and doesn't seem to have a solid plan in place to get out of the situation, besides applying for a few jobs every week. His field is not in great demand, and his job history is spotty as he was a professional sports coach for 10 years, until he joined his ex wife's company in a admin support role (that's the job he quit last year). He is still doing ok money wise as he has a big lump sum he got upon selling the marital home last year, but I have no idea how long that will last.

I swing between feeling madly in love with this wonderful man and feeling sick with worry that I am wasting my time on an impossible relationship. I wonder what kind of future is possible with someone with such different and complex personal circumstances.

Am I worrying for nothing? Should I just just enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts? Or should I seriously reconsider having a future with this man?

@Sssloou

These men never have the decency to leave of their own accord, parasitism doesn't work like that.

I agree and suggest that he will up the ante on the charm front the minute he senses she is unsettled or detaching.

Maybe that’s what he has already been doing as the OP has been questioning this for some time and he may have sensed that.

And the 'we' talk and the future faking - maybe 'we' should get a flat together when your tenancy is up, I've been thinking about 'us'; years down the line there's even the engagement that goes on forever. There's sometimes a crisis in housing or finances on his side, which means he has to move in with the OP, just temporarily, of course. There will also sometimes even be another job, but it doesn't work out, it didn't suit, politics, they were all against him, etc. If you get pregnant, it will be long faces and subtle bullying to abort - it's just not the right time, you can try again 'later', etc.

These guys are legion.

Either you finish it now or carry on wasting your time because the only way to get rid of this type of parasite is to firmly break it off. They don't love you, they love themselves and their way of life more.

He's FORTY-FIVE, FFS.

Never heard of one of these guys instigating divorce.

The few that I know of were well settled and happy with life but FINALLY after 15-20 years of supporting them, the women woke up.

All clever successful women with good careers but who just couldn't see what EVERYONE around them could clearly see....opportunistic waster.

Funny how they spout "money doesn't define me"..bullshit, while they flit from idea to idea while the dirty work of paying all the bills is someone else's responsibility.

Him telling his two adult children they could come home and live rent free whilst they saved for deposits was the final straw....their own mother was having none of it but he thought she would just suck it up.
He was utterly stunned and devastated when she said she was done. He back peddled so fast on his offer to his kids but she was done.

Some people won't be told🤷🏻‍♀️

Don't be too surprised if/when you do try to finish the relationship that he suddenly has a change of heart and says he would be happy to try for a baby in a year or two, just wants to get himself back on his feets first, but would now love another family with you. I have known men in similar positions change their stance on a second family as they suddenly see the money that they did have is dwindling away. They realise that having more children with a successful younger woman will allow them to continue with hobbies part time while they half heartedly become a SAHP while the woman continues to work (and actually do the bulk of the parenting). Manchild springs to mind.

@InLoveAndLost

I just wanted to say that I am very grateful for all the comments and insights that have been posted on this thread. Mumsnet is great when it comes about tough love and that was probably what I needed in these circumstances. Thank you!!

I think you've been very generous and open with your replies and responses☺ and in many ways we all learn a lot from these types of threads👀

Age gap.. kids... unemployed

It would be a hard no from me. Not worth the hassle.

You're doing well, OP. You haven't closed your mind to replies that you didn't necessarily want to see.

The thing is, the women replying to this thread have been round the block. We've seen men like this in action, whereas you're only just out of your twenties and their kind is new to you.

You seem to have a wise head. Partly why this thread has gone on so long is that we care about smart, together women like you being taken advantage of by wasters. We've all seen it happen, and we don't want it to happen to you!

@HelloThereMeHearties

You're doing well, OP. You haven't closed your mind to replies that you didn't necessarily want to see.

The thing is, the women replying to this thread have been round the block. We've seen men like this in action, whereas you're only just out of your twenties and their kind is new to you.

You seem to have a wise head. Partly why this thread has gone on so long is that we care about smart, together women like you being taken advantage of by wasters. We've all seen it happen, and we don't want it to happen to you!

Exactly this.

@HelloThereMeHearties

You're doing well, OP. You haven't closed your mind to replies that you didn't necessarily want to see.

The thing is, the women replying to this thread have been round the block. We've seen men like this in action, whereas you're only just out of your twenties and their kind is new to you.

You seem to have a wise head. Partly why this thread has gone on so long is that we care about smart, together women like you being taken advantage of by wasters. We've all seen it happen, and we don't want it to happen to you!

Amen to this!!

OP

@HelloThereMeHearties

You're doing well, OP. You haven't closed your mind to replies that you didn't necessarily want to see.

The thing is, the women replying to this thread have been round the block. We've seen men like this in action, whereas you're only just out of your twenties and their kind is new to you.

You seem to have a wise head. Partly why this thread has gone on so long is that we care about smart, together women like you being taken advantage of by wasters. We've all seen it happen, and we don't want it to happen to you!

100%

Known far too many women who wouldn't listen, carried on with a loser, never had the life or more importantly the kids they claimed to have wanted and every single one of them bitterly regrets not having just cut the waster loose at the point you're at now.

The lucky ones didn't marry the guy, the ones who did, well, read the story of the women who also lost a lot of her pension to the workshy layabout. No kids, alone and poor from a divorce. All for a guy who really isn't worth much.

And the lengths the grifter will go to to keep their Nurse with a Purse are incredible, future faking being the major one.

So true these last posts

And the future faking is such a thing

"I could love you forever", I could see myself marrying you (even though he's never been interested in marriage before), I can see us doing x y z in the future and all under the guise of him magically gaining some financial independence but really just a survival mechanism as he could see me as a full blown meal ticket ...

@mrsplum2015

So true these last posts

And the future faking is such a thing

"I could love you forever", I could see myself marrying you (even though he's never been interested in marriage before), I can see us doing x y z in the future and all under the guise of him magically gaining some financial independence but really just a survival mechanism as he could see me as a full blown meal ticket ...

Yeah, the 'we' talk, the crisis that precipitates his having to move in - temporarily, of course - the mooning around because got rejected for a job (I mean, he quit his stable job and then said he needed a couple of months to recover from the burnout, with 2 kids to support!?), but so loving and caring.

If you can't rip the plaster off now, what makes you think you'll be able to do it when you carry on getting more involved?

I dread my DD ever hooking up with a loser like this and choosing, because that's what it is, to waste her life on a creep who's already had his. She's got a great boyfriend now.

we care about smart, together women like you being taken advantage of by wasters. We've all seen it happen, and we don't want it to happen to you!
This! When I look back😟 oh lord what a fool😟 what a fool😳how i let men take advantage of me🤬 I can hardly believe it😖
I see it all so much more clearly now, I have a daughter I want better for her and her generation of women!

Nurse with a purse
💰👩🏼‍⚕️💰
You nailed it, I compiled the emojis✔️

@mrsplum2015

So true these last posts

And the future faking is such a thing

"I could love you forever", I could see myself marrying you (even though he's never been interested in marriage before), I can see us doing x y z in the future and all under the guise of him magically gaining some financial independence but really just a survival mechanism as he could see me as a full blown meal ticket ...

One of the most important things I learned in my twenties was about future faking. Guys who do it aren’t daft, they know some women are on the lookout for a potential husband and father to their kids and how intoxicating it can be to think you may have found that, especially if you’re getting older and scared you will never have children.

Words mean literally nothing. Take them with a shaker of salt. Look for actions.

‘I see us getting married someday’ haha, cool. Let’s talk when you have the ring.

‘I can see us having kids’ cool, are you working hard on your career? Building a savings account? Taking visible steps towards secure housing? Pretty arrogant to assume I’d consider having them with you unless all of the above is happening...

Never get carried away with words. It’s the age old thing isn’t it: how do you know a man wants to marry you? You’ll be sat there together signing the marriage certificate. Anything less could well be hot air.

Such gems

@HelloThereMeHearties exactly how I feel.

@rawalpindithelabrador "Nurse with a Purse"...I am so steeling this.
And you are right about our daughters, I would be in the horrors if one of mine turned up with one the these beauties.

The thing is it is just so awful for family and friends to see.

@ColdBrightClearMorning..great post too.

Oh and the never-ending engagement. Totally meaningless. Future faking without a date and plans, and if something like Covid comes along, then anyone who wants to marry you will alter the plans. When I met DH, he wanted to get married (I did, too) but man did he take the ball and run with it once I agreed. None of this leaving it to me or open-ended bollocks.

Love is respect, and it starts with respecting yourself, your wants and needs and your boundaries. If you can't, then it's really a bad idea to date because people will take advantage and be allowed to. Love is also respecting the boundaries of those you purport to care about, not just 'Well, I told her I didn't want any kids,' but being a big enough person and with enough decency to say, 'You and I don't wan't the same things. It's wrong of me to waste your time. So I'm letting you go and I hope you find what I've had the chance to have.' That's what someone who loves you does.

This ain't it.

@rawalpindithelabrador

“When I met DH, he wanted to get married (I did, too) but man did he take the ball and run with it once I agreed. None of this leaving it to me or open-ended bollocks.”

Bingo. So many people focus on the engagement thinking that means anything or acting like that’s the goal. It really isn’t. I have so many friends who’ve been engaged for literally years without a date set. At that stage honestly what’s the point?

We got engaged in the July, married in the September. Thankfully neither of us were fussed about the wedding itself, we just wanted to be married. DH was on the phone the next working day after the proposal to book an appointment with the registrar and reserve the register office. All I had to do was ask for the time off work to go.

@InLoveAndLost how did your weekend go - are you feeling overwhelmed?

[quote Sssloou]@InLoveAndLost how did your weekend go - are you feeling overwhelmed?[/quote]
Hi @Sssloou, thank you so much for checking in with me.

I have been doing a lot of thinking during the last few days, following this thread. Reading all the comments here has brought to the surface a lot of things I already knew but perhaps wasn't ready to face.

Furthermore, during the weekend I had a big eye-opening moment when I was with my boyfriend.

I lent him some money (quite a lot actually) a couple of weeks ago as he had some dentist bills to pay and his unemployment check had been delayed. He said he was going to pay me back as soon as he got the money. Yesterday we were chilling at home and he said he bought an accessory for his motorbike (worth nearly a grand!!), as finally the money has arrived. When I asked him why he hadn't paid me back then, he said he had forgotten and he was going to do it as soon as possible. That was Sunday evening and I am still waiting for my money. I am disappointed, heartbroken and furious.

I think I will have to break up with him as soon as I get my money back. Enough is enough.

I can't believe you lent him money

Let that motorbike part be the expensive but worth it lesson.

It will be cheap in the end.

@forrestgreen

I can't believe you lent him money

Well that was before the thread when I was still living in Lala land.. Thankfully it is not money I need and could afford to lose it if necessary. But I feel really stupid now.

Now you see.

I really hope you get your money back.

But it will be a cheap lesson because it is a a crystal clear view of how he sees you and any woman.

I repeat, his wife was only bloody thrilled to see the back of him.

Waster.
The arrogance.
He really must think he has you hooked.

Unbelievable.