In love with an unemployed single dad and worried about the future

[InLoveAndLost]

Hi all, long time Mumsnet user but have NCed for this as I think some of the details might be outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history.

I have been dating for 6 months the nicest man ever. We used to work together but he quit his job right before the pandemic hit and he has been looking for work for a year now. He is 45, separated 18 months ago, with two DC (8 and 12). He has his DC 50% of the time and an amicable relationship with the ex wife.

For context, I am 30, never married, no DC, with a decent career in HR.

He is hands on the funniest, most caring, sexiest man I have ever been with. As I have been furloughed until recently, we spent a lot of our free time together just chilling, cooking, watching movies and going for walks. I know I am falling in love with him and he said he feels the same. We are honestly on cloud 9 when we are together, I have never felt like this about anyone before.

However, now that we have been dating for a while, there are a couple of things that make me hesitant about the long-term prospects of our relationship:

• The fact that he has DC and doesn't want anymore, whilst I am still on the fence on the topic. I have never dated anyone with DC before so I am not sure how that'd work.
• The fact that he seems to bend over forward for his ex-wife whenever she clicks her fingers. They are good friends, which I am sure is a positive thing for the kids, but sometimes their relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure about where I stand as they still seem to be so close.
• The fact that he has now been unemployed for a year and doesn't seem to have a solid plan in place to get out of the situation, besides applying for a few jobs every week. His field is not in great demand, and his job history is spotty as he was a professional sports coach for 10 years, until he joined his ex wife's company in a admin support role (that's the job he quit last year). He is still doing ok money wise as he has a big lump sum he got upon selling the marital home last year, but I have no idea how long that will last.

I swing between feeling madly in love with this wonderful man and feeling sick with worry that I am wasting my time on an impossible relationship. I wonder what kind of future is possible with someone with such different and complex personal circumstances.

Am I worrying for nothing? Should I just just enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts? Or should I seriously reconsider having a future with this man?

For context, I am 30, never married, no DC, with a decent career in HR.

You can do so much better than being in this situation OP, I'd walk away now if I was you. This man has already told you who he is in so many ways, please believe him!!!

While your own age and prospects are very valid in the argument against staying with this man, OP, I read on here from time to time of older single women taking in men of their own age or slightly younger. Mainly out of loneliness, desperation and validation.

There are many men who are single for a reason... so be discerning. Ignoring red flags now could later land you up in no man's land with this man.

@InLoveAndLost I earn around £15k pa working ft, ex earns in excess of £115k. However, he still only provides for the boys when they are in his care. There's a huge financial disparity which he gets a kick out of, sadly. He uses it to entice the kids. The latest is he is refusing to pay for any extra-curricular activities so I'm having to find the money for those. Legally there is nothing that can be done. He's applying for further custody again.

Thanks Clymene & Sssloou

@Clymene

I bet his ex got with him when she was really young and it's taken her this long to finally get free of the human limpet. So he's been floating around, looking for another rock to cling onto and BLAM, there you are. He can pull out his old charm, regale you with stories of the Ibiza years and tell himself he's still got it. You're social currency.

You know, apart from all the other very well reasoned posts on this thread about why this bloke is a disaster, more than anything, the fact that he has children to support and just quit his job tells you everything you need to know about him. That is not what a decent person does. A man who deliberately impoverishes his children (and however much his wife earns is irrelevant) is utter scum.

Tell me, do you feel a bit sorry for him for having been married to a tough ballbreaker? Im getting the feeling you do.

Well he has always spoken positively of his ex-wife in general. The only "negative" he has mentioned is that she is a "my way or the highway" type of person and that he is more of a "happy-go-lucky" type of person, so that they didn't get along anymore. He says she wanted everything done a certain way and he was relieved when they split so he was free to decide for his own life again and home again.

But then again, he has never badmouthed her and always speaks well of her and their marriage.

How are you feeling about this thread and the other threads you have posted?

Have they helped or hindered you? The last thread was quite some time ago so you have been dwelling for a while.

Are you feeling more defensive of him or are you seeing / feeling things differently?

What prompted this specific thread ? Are you at a decision point to move in together, meet the children etc? Is your RS “out” to your family and friends on both sides?

@Sssloou

How are you feeling about this thread and the other threads you have posted?

Have they helped or hindered you? The last thread was quite some time ago so you have been dwelling for a while.

Are you feeling more defensive of him or are you seeing / feeling things differently?

What prompted this specific thread ? Are you at a decision point to move in together, meet the children etc? Is your RS “out” to your family and friends on both sides?

I think this thread has shown me what I already knew deep down inside. It is very difficult for me to reconcile the image that I have of him (loving and caring man, kind-hearted and funny) with a more analytical view of him from the outside (middle aged waster who has coasted through life). In a weird way both narratives feel correct and coexist at the same time.

Ultimately, I know that my life with this man will not be a happy life. I know he can't offer me a fulfilling future. Hence, I know that the relationship is doomed. It is just that it is hard to rip the bandaid and I am not sure how quickly I will manage to do it. It might take a bit of time for all this to sink in properly and spring me into action.

Re: moving in/ meeting the children, none of this is currently being discussed, so no "big steps" on the horizon at the moment.

I just wanted to say that I am very grateful for all the comments and insights that have been posted on this thread. Mumsnet is great when it comes about tough love and that was probably what I needed in these circumstances. Thank you!!

Well he has always spoken positively of his ex-wife in general. The only "negative" he has mentioned is that she is a "my way or the highway" type of person and that he is more of a "happy-go-lucky" type of person, so that they didn't get along anymore. He says she wanted everything done a certain way and he was relieved when they split so he was free to decide for his own life again and home again.

I'm sorry OP, but this does make me chuckle in a sort of wry, "of course he thinks she's a bit controlling" way. Every lazy layabout man complains about this. But usually, dig a little deeper and the things she's "controlling" about are things like making sure there's a basic level of hygiene or that the children are being fed nutritious and decent meals.

Him: "Oooh, I didn't do it YOUR way again, so it's all bad and I'm a terrible person." {sarcasm]
Her: No, but i do think it's unnecessary to feed the kids chicken nuggets or fish fingers and chips every night with peas they won't eat.

Is his house/flat clean? If you're at his, does he cook/tidy up? Do you have a sense of whether the kids have a routine at his house? Any of these are the things he might think she was controlling about.

What you really know deep down is always what you should be tapping into in life - that’s your truth - never repress that or let anyone else suppress your gut feelings.

You can detach emotionally in your head and slowly withdraw from the RS if that’s more comfortable for you. Be conscious though of him promising you the earth (maybe marriage, babies and him being a fab SAHD etc) and ramping up the charm once he senses you withdrawing and know that this is a disrespectful push on your boundaries and it is to meet his needs not yours.

OP "In a weird way both narratives feel correct and coexist at the same time."

It's not weird at all. Many people are attractive and charismatic but useless. You will meet many men like this in future. Don't take the bait. They will especially pour on the charm for a woman who can keep them.

I've been following this thread and wondering whether to reply.

It's actually been really useful to me as I was seeing a similar kind of guy although he was a "musician" rather than into sports.

I reflected on it for months ( total relationship was 8 months ) and finally ended it a month ago. The relief is amazing and reading this has been so helpful to me in confirmation.

I am older with my own kids and was vulnerable immediately post separation so not in your shoes but I found it hard to resist the great sex and love bombing every time I expressed a concern.

I am so glad I did and hope you read each and every message here and really consider your options.

Since making my decision I have met a genuinely amazing guy who treats me like a princess and fights to pay for everything but with no expectations of me and my time or emotions. And no I don't let him pay for everything.

One of the things I find attractive is his independence and the fact he has a great home, car, job, relationship with his kids. And I'm not looking at that for me as I couldn't give a shit and am not in the least materialistic as I will have my own single independence and have secured a good job for myself post separation, but his values are similar to mine and he comes across as totally sound in himself. No love bombing as he has no need for that. Just me and him enjoying things together.

Who knows what will happen and we may just be friends but by closing the door on the musician it opened the door to something totally different and amazing and it was like a total sign I did the right thing.

Please walk away if you possibly can.

@mrsplum2015

I've been following this thread and wondering whether to reply.

It's actually been really useful to me as I was seeing a similar kind of guy although he was a "musician" rather than into sports.

I reflected on it for months ( total relationship was 8 months ) and finally ended it a month ago. The relief is amazing and reading this has been so helpful to me in confirmation.

I am older with my own kids and was vulnerable immediately post separation so not in your shoes but I found it hard to resist the great sex and love bombing every time I expressed a concern.

I am so glad I did and hope you read each and every message here and really consider your options.

Since making my decision I have met a genuinely amazing guy who treats me like a princess and fights to pay for everything but with no expectations of me and my time or emotions. And no I don't let him pay for everything.

One of the things I find attractive is his independence and the fact he has a great home, car, job, relationship with his kids. And I'm not looking at that for me as I couldn't give a shit and am not in the least materialistic as I will have my own single independence and have secured a good job for myself post separation, but his values are similar to mine and he comes across as totally sound in himself. No love bombing as he has no need for that. Just me and him enjoying things together.

Who knows what will happen and we may just be friends but by closing the door on the musician it opened the door to something totally different and amazing and it was like a total sign I did the right thing.

Please walk away if you possibly can.

You ended it with the musician, healed, starting dating again, and got to this point with new guy where you think he’s amazing in four whole weeks? Damn, I don’t know you but just from this you really need to slow down a little and not jump from one thing to another in a matter of days. Sounds really unhealthy.

You know what's even sadder than the fact that you're going to allow yourself to become even more invested, which will mean you'll be less able to end it and waste more of your time, is that he is so selfish, entitled and immature that he's perfectly happy to waste the time of a person in the prime of their lives.

Again, I was in that setting, guy was the same age (but kids grown, he had a career, his own home, or I'd have not even met him for coffee) but because he is a decent person, he didn't even go there with me because he knew I wanted kids and he was not wanting that.

This person is fine to use you, and the more you give, the more he'll take.

We're only all telling you this because we've been there ourselves or know many who have.

If OP finishes it, he will move on to another your woman.

Women his own age have too much cop on to get lumbered with a selfish waster who thinks pensions and providing for his children is a vulgar idea.

His wife is so thrilled to have off loaded him.

Hopefully she protected her pension.

Don't be the woman in her 50's that married an older man who didn't want anymore children, who feels she has to keep working in her stressful job because now that she has finally divorced him, he has been given a fine chunk of her pension.

He never had a regular wage as he flitted from one great idea to another...absolute waster....she was another woman who was well warned but knew better...certainly paying for it now...literally.

Mrsplum "Since making my decision I have met a genuinely amazing guy who treats me like a princess and fights to pay for everything but with no expectations of me and my time or emotions"

Fighting to pay for everything isn't a good sign. I don't even want to know what treating you like a princess means but you will see expectations soon enough I reckon.

@LunaHeather

Mrsplum "Since making my decision I have met a genuinely amazing guy who treats me like a princess and fights to pay for everything but with no expectations of me and my time or emotions"

Fighting to pay for everything isn't a good sign. I don't even want to know what treating you like a princess means but you will see expectations soon enough I reckon.

Agree.

All within 4 weeks....😳

Tread with [email protected] people barely know a persons name and job after that amount of time.

Oh yeah of course people cannot read my situation from one post
And I said straight away that I have no idea what will happen with this man and we are just as likely to be friends as anything else
But he is a truly decent man and for anyone who has been with a cock lodger love bomber they will understand it absolutely helps to have another perspective on life to avoid the constant messaging and manipulation

No thoughts of soul mate or anything else with this one, just we get on well and he is a truly decent guy when the musician just made himself appear that way

I met this guy through a friend totally out of nowhere, was not looking, but there is a friendship developing after seeing each other twice since. That's it. I know he's amazing because my friend has known him for years and I trust her opinion

@mrsplum2015

I met this guy through a friend totally out of nowhere, was not looking, but there is a friendship developing after seeing each other twice since. That's it. I know he's amazing because my friend has known him for years and I trust her opinion

🤦🏽‍♀️

So you left a crap relationship and went straight into another. Why? Just why are some so desperate to be coupled up they'll just take anything going?

Oh ffs I have obviously not explained clearly although to me it is clear

I am not in another relationship whatsoever

I have seen another man 3 times who is a decent and honest guy. And it may go somewhere or it may not. I have not even kissed the man.

It has given me another perspective on what was hard to leave ( a love bomber ) who if anyone had been with one they would understand. It is almost like survival him coming after me again and again as he needs a financially independent loving woman, and very hard to turn your back on unless you distract yourself and realise there is other life out there

@billy1966

If OP finishes it, he will move on to another your woman.

Women his own age have too much cop on to get lumbered with a selfish waster who thinks pensions and providing for his children is a vulgar idea.

His wife is so thrilled to have off loaded him.

Hopefully she protected her pension.

Don't be the woman in her 50's that married an older man who didn't want anymore children, who feels she has to keep working in her stressful job because now that she has finally divorced him, he has been given a fine chunk of her pension.

He never had a regular wage as he flitted from one great idea to another...absolute waster....she was another woman who was well warned but knew better...certainly paying for it now...literally.

And they are a dime a dozen.

But hey, choosing to waste a second more of one's time with a person like this is just that, a decision to forgo your own wants and needs for a loser.

These men never have the decency to leave of their own accord, parasitism doesn't work like that.

Parasitism is exactly the word.

These men never have the decency to leave of their own accord, parasitism doesn't work like that.

I agree and suggest that he will up the ante on the charm front the minute he senses she is unsettled or detaching.

Maybe that’s what he has already been doing as the OP has been questioning this for some time and he may have sensed that.