In love with an unemployed single dad and worried about the future

[InLoveAndLost]

Hi all, long time Mumsnet user but have NCed for this as I think some of the details might be outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history.

I have been dating for 6 months the nicest man ever. We used to work together but he quit his job right before the pandemic hit and he has been looking for work for a year now. He is 45, separated 18 months ago, with two DC (8 and 12). He has his DC 50% of the time and an amicable relationship with the ex wife.

For context, I am 30, never married, no DC, with a decent career in HR.

He is hands on the funniest, most caring, sexiest man I have ever been with. As I have been furloughed until recently, we spent a lot of our free time together just chilling, cooking, watching movies and going for walks. I know I am falling in love with him and he said he feels the same. We are honestly on cloud 9 when we are together, I have never felt like this about anyone before.

However, now that we have been dating for a while, there are a couple of things that make me hesitant about the long-term prospects of our relationship:

• The fact that he has DC and doesn't want anymore, whilst I am still on the fence on the topic. I have never dated anyone with DC before so I am not sure how that'd work.
• The fact that he seems to bend over forward for his ex-wife whenever she clicks her fingers. They are good friends, which I am sure is a positive thing for the kids, but sometimes their relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure about where I stand as they still seem to be so close.
• The fact that he has now been unemployed for a year and doesn't seem to have a solid plan in place to get out of the situation, besides applying for a few jobs every week. His field is not in great demand, and his job history is spotty as he was a professional sports coach for 10 years, until he joined his ex wife's company in a admin support role (that's the job he quit last year). He is still doing ok money wise as he has a big lump sum he got upon selling the marital home last year, but I have no idea how long that will last.

I swing between feeling madly in love with this wonderful man and feeling sick with worry that I am wasting my time on an impossible relationship. I wonder what kind of future is possible with someone with such different and complex personal circumstances.

Am I worrying for nothing? Should I just just enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts? Or should I seriously reconsider having a future with this man?

am also slightly confused by the whole "she moved to another country so they gave him a job" thing. I've never seen that before. I have seen the odd case where a spouse/family may receive an allowance or similar to accommodate the move, but an actual job? weird

It's a thing in some industries/countries. For instance academia, there's a load of writing about "the two-body problem", which is that academics often have to move around to get positions and they tend to marry other academics. So a senior academic hire package sometimes includes a job for the spouse at the same institution as a sweetener/to make a move viable. To get a senior exec talent to make an international move, it wouldn't be that difficult or unusual to throw in a low level job for the trailing spouse.

[End of random sidebar]

If he had any kind of moral compass he would leave OP alone

Well as he appears to have had an affair with OP, I doubt he does...

@bjrce no it did not start as an affair. He and his ex-wife separated in Spring 2019, we started dating at the end the last Summer well after he had left the company. I left the company in December 2020 for another job.

@HelloThereMeHearties

If he had any kind of moral compass he would leave OP alone

Well as he appears to have had an affair with OP, I doubt he does...

As I said, no affair whatsoever. He had been living alone away from his ex-wife for over a year when we started dating.

That's good, sorry I got that wrong.

So, how long has he been out of work now? Or at least, how long had he been out of work before the pandemic?

Essentially he was sick of the office politics and I think he felt that in that company he was forever going to be known as "the husband of" as his ex-wife was so much more senior and well-known than him. He wanted to get out there and build a life, an identity, and a career for himself away from his ex-wife.

I think the idea was noble and potentially right, it is just that he wasn't very realistic about his career prospects. I think he overestimated how attractive his profile might be on the job market

So, ego then not burnout.

am also slightly confused by the whole "she moved to another country so they gave him a job" thing. I've never seen that before. I have seen the odd case where a spouse/family may receive an allowance or similar to accommodate the move, but an actual job? weird

I've seen it happen lots of times as I've been a trailing spouse myself. It's to stop the spouse going insane when they uproot their entire lives in order to support the career of their husband or wife. Often a part of the relocation package.

@SavoyCabbage

am also slightly confused by the whole "she moved to another country so they gave him a job" thing. I've never seen that before. I have seen the odd case where a spouse/family may receive an allowance or similar to accommodate the move, but an actual job? weird

I've seen it happen lots of times as I've been a trailing spouse myself. It's to stop the spouse going insane when they uproot their entire lives in order to support the career of their husband or wife. Often a part of the relocation package.

Did you get "burnout" as a result, though

I dated a man like this in my early 30's. Looking back I must've been mad! My advice really would be to get out now before you become more attached. It's really headed nowhere good for you.

@HelloThereMeHearties

That's good, sorry I got that wrong.

So, how long has he been out of work now? Or at least, how long had he been out of work before the pandemic?

It's been pretty much a year now, he stopped working only a few weeks before the pandemic exploded in Europe.

Is he actually qualified to do anything? What was he doing before he got the wife-job?

So he's living in a different country, not working, not trying to work, burnt out from the trauma of being seen as the junior partner in his relationship with his ex-wife wants to simply have a good time and relax and you're thinking about this man as your long-term partner.

It looks like the scales are falling from your eyes. I sort of feel sorry for him in a way. He will never understand why you didn't want to stay with him. And his next girlfriend will probably have to hear about how he loved you, gave you everything, supported you but nothing was good enough for you. And she'll of course feel she can't pt pressure eon him as he's got all these issues from these crazy demanding exes of his who just don't understand and appreciate him.

@HelloThereMeHearties

Is he actually qualified to do anything? What was he doing before he got the wife-job?

He was a sports coach during his 20s and early 30s. Got the "wife job" around 10 years ago.

No specific qualifications as far as I know.

Shifting evolving story ....

office politics ?

or burnout ?

or new chapter ?

or new identity ?

Classic fragile ego of a loser, blaming others and situations for their ineptitude.

He has had 45 years to carve out a new identity - seems he has been indulged by his competent wife - not done that to date?

bjrce no it did not start as an affair. He and his ex-wife separated in Spring 2019, we started dating at the end the last Summer well after he had left the company. I left the company in December 2020 for another job.

So you already knew him and the stage had been set?

What else have you got going on in your life OP? Do you have good long term friendships ? Do you have family support? A social life and hobbies (pre-pandemic).

What have your previous RS been like? Were they difficult possibly overtly abusive / neglectful so that this man’s behaviour seems charming and a breath of fresh air?

@felineflutter

bjrce no it did not start as an affair. He and his ex-wife separated in Spring 2019, we started dating at the end the last Summer well after he had left the company. I left the company in December 2020 for another job.

So you already knew him and the stage had been set?

We barely knew each other at the time. I didn't even know he separated from his ex-wife until many months after their split.

We started going out after we bumped into each other last Summer at a BBQ with ex-colleagues/ friends. That was over a year after he had moved out from the marital home.

He sounds very immature and maybe his ex lost respect for him and that's why his stories were no longer funny.

A man with 2 kids getting divorced quitting his job without having another one to go to is super reckless.

Then you have his kids, no house presumably, he doesn't want more kids...I think you'll just end up lumbering yourself with a whole load of responsibilities and stress for something that will wear thin soon.

Come on OP! He seems like a lazy, entitled loser. You deserve so much better.

have you had a conversation with him about his future plans and ambitions? Might be worth finding out what they are, he might have big ideas. If he doesn't have real ambition I'm not sure it's worth staying with him.

OMG if he DID have big ideas I would run like the wind .... these types are often so deluded, entitled, grandiose that they think they are unique, talented special - I suspect he is thinks he can be a DJ / musician / artist or something in his “new chapter” .... just more failures - because they have no work effort, traction or discipline.

Also the warm fuzzy wuzzy stuff is likely him manipulatively “love bombing” (he needs another competent adult woman to ride on the coat tails of) and the charm is easy - he has had 30 years to hone it.

The “learned helplessness” is another emotionally manipulative tactic - why has he not able to pull together a coherent CV at 45!!! I bet you felt great helping him out with that ? And I bet he did nothing with it “because of the pandemic” - lots of people have taken this time to volunteer, set up micro businesses, learn a skill? What has he done? targeted his next competent mother figure to manage and provide for the “next chapter”

A lazy, entitled loser who doesn't want any more children.

What a catch!

Ok OP.
I think you gain nothing from this apart from his sense of humour and sex.

I would watch a comedy boxset and when lockdown has eased the other option is easily achievable.

Make 2 lists with your names at the top.

OP Man child

Great Sex Great Sex
Makes me laugh Great company
Younger than me
Has a great job
Will be great for DC
Thinks I'm incredible
Can help me find
work/ pay for stuff
Doesn't nag me to be
an adult/
Isn't bothered that I
am am manchild/
selfish kinda guy
Thinks it's ok that I
have kids/Can help
raise them like her
own

Ah list failure!

Is that some kind of pome

Hi OP, you sound like a pragmatic person and habe stopped to ask questions that most people steam roll over in the first flush of love.

However, as the ex wife of someone who sounds very familiar, I can tell you that the poster above who referred to 'learned helplessness' sounds wise to me.

My ex husband also gave up his successful job as we divorced. He has also been unemployed for over a year and has paid no maintenance for our children. His rationale is also that I am a strong earner, so it is okay to push the full financial burden of our children on to me. Do you really think his ex wife is OK with that situation?

Many of us maintain amicable relations with the other parent for the sake of our children - no matter if the other parent is a total douche or not. Their relationship on the surface is likely to be very misleading re the reality of what she thinks of him.

This guy sounds like someone you should be sprinting away from, if only because he demonstrably puts himself above his kids.

His burn out, his capital sum to spend on his new life, etc etc

Many experience burn out as a result of serious relationship break down (I wonder if his ex-wife would like the luxury of 'burning out') but most pick up the pieces to protect and provide for the children. This guy sounds entitled, lazy and self centred from your description.

You sound like you have good instincts. He may be charming, but his situation screams disappointment and heart ache for you. Drop Peter Pan and find a grown up.