Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fucking men!

422 replies

StoryOfMyFuckingLife · 09/02/2021 04:50

I am 46. I'm about a stone overweight. I'm atractive enough but no one is going to offer me a modelling contract. I'm single. I'm always fucking single or just about to make myself single again.

In the past 5 years, I've dated two men. Both for less than a year and both I dumped for crimes against respect and decency.

In the past 5 years alone, I've lost a friendship group because one of the married men in it made a really obvious play for me, was far too attentive, giddy when I was nearby and i ended up withdrawing from the group because I didn't like it and it was, quite frankly, embarrassing. I didn't fall out with anyone because I did nothing wrong but friendships dwindled once i started avoiding group stuff because of it.

I've lost another close male friend (he was married and I was close to his wife too) because, after making a pass at me when she was out of the room on one occasion and me rejecting him, he later contacted me to tell me he was in love with me Hmm which means I've lost her too.

I could have lost another friend because her husband 'developed feelings' for me - he actually told her he'd fallen in love with me Hmm. Fortunately, she is the most amazing woman ever and told me at the time that he was an idiot but she couldn't bear to lose me as a friend. We worked really hard on saving our friendship. They worked things out and it's now like that blip never happened (fortunately).

I've moved on, i've made new friends... every time it happens, i move on and make new friends. And it just happens again.

I dated someone for a few months last year (the second of the two men). I met him through friends. So we have mutual friends/acquaintances in common. Three couples mainly although the wife of one doesn't socialise much with us and has her own friends.

Of the three men... two of the three have made it known for a while that, if I were interested, they would be too. They've both declared love Hmm

The third? Well I don't know him well. He's socially awkward, quiet and a bit irascible. And then, tonight, he messaged me to say he was sorry to hear that the his friend and I had split up (4 months ago!) He's never seemed particularly interested in getting to know me or talking to me so i was surprised at his sudden friendliness...

You know where this is going...

Just pisses me off and makes me feel really sad. I know that none of these men are actually interested in me. Of these four men, one I was seeing but he never thought I was good enough for him because I'm not 28 and hot. And the other three are in relationships telling me how attractive I am and how much they fancy me.

Of all the men who have declared love to me over the past 10 years, I haven't been in a relationship with any of them and none of them have been single.

It's just fucking shit.

What is fucking wrong with them??

OP posts:
mumieone · 09/02/2021 05:13

This is going to sound a little insane. Bear with me. I have a very close friend who dresses very provocatively but she is single and looking and everyone who is married in our circle knows this.e. Xmas day function I invited her to consisting of couples, families (in a party atmosphere with drink and dancing). She opted to wear mini dress and low cut dress with half her boobs pushed up and on display. When I picked her up I said wow....you know it's mostly a family vibe you are dressed very sexy. She replied so what I'm single and it's Xmas.

Well...at the party the men were really embarrassed to look but it's hard not to when you have it all on show. It's normal to look!!

She felt uncomfortable and borrowed a scarf at the party to cover cleavage - totally inappropriate dress sense.

IShe is not a tart ..she is a really lovely lady. All the men in relationships like her and so many married men want to date her.

Are you over friendly and do you dress like this......

Bionicname · 09/02/2021 05:22

But depressing that the first post already seeks to blame the woman!

Chiccie · 09/02/2021 05:25

I’d like to know how you find all of these friends constantly??!! Where do you get them from? They can’t be real friends if you haven’t known them that long. Are you meeting through a shared hobby? I’m intrigued because if I make a female friend I don’t often get introduced to the husband. How are you getting access to these men? Most women keep their friendships and blokes separated especially if the woman is single

Original poster
StoryOfMyFuckingLife · 09/02/2021 05:28

Not at all. I'd kind of understand it if i were!

I've always been conscious of appearing like that and it's not really in my nature. Whenever I'm single, I'm contentedly so and when I have dated, I'm completely monogamous. I don't so much as make flirty eye contact. I'm friendly but I'll speak to the wives rather than the men predominantly.

I don't dress 'sexily'. I mainly wear skater type dresses and DMs. I don't wear much make up. I'm quietly confident - not an in your face person at all.

OP posts:
roastedsaltedpeanut · 09/02/2021 05:28

How frustrating for you. Sadly that’s the nature of your current friendship dynamic. At this age most of your friends are inevitably married, most males you meet are also married.
Your experience suggest that your attractiveness is obviously not the issue but your lack of exposure to the right type of men is.
I find that overly sexual appearance may have contributed to the cause but that’s your freedom in how you want to dress, if that were the case at all! The issue with these married men “falling in love” is due to their relationship crisis and you are apparently an easy outlet, a fantasy if you like. As you are fully aware their self professed love isn’t some ground shaking soul mate deadly attraction, some of them have barely spoken to you.
Going forward I wound suggest you to form new friendship groups by attending social gatherings that’s not exclusive for married couples.

TinySongstress · 09/02/2021 05:31

I'm 39 and wouldn't dream of mainly wearing skater dresses. Shock

Maybe that's where I'm going wrong....

Original poster
StoryOfMyFuckingLife · 09/02/2021 05:31

Some I've met as couples through shared hobbies, some I've met through friends (as couples), some I've met the wives first, some I've met the husbands first.

One of the friendships was 8years standing, the more recent ones are shorter friendships because of how long I've known them.

I only have a couple of longer standing friends. Unfortunately, i don't have much choice other than to make new friends when it happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
StoryOfMyFuckingLife · 09/02/2021 05:33

Well i don't dress sexily. That was my main point. I'm not here for a critique on the clothes i wear - if I were all tight dresses and boobs out I could see the issue but I'm not.

Besides, are you really suggesting that im 'asking for it' because of my clothes?

OP posts:
TheresOnlyOneJackieWeaver · 09/02/2021 05:34

I saw a thread like this several months ago and the woman got flamed with a lot of people saying she must be full of herself and how can every married man she meets through a female friend go for her, etc. All blaming the woman with no comment on the man’s behaviour.

It’s a shame this keeps happening OP but don’t give up on making friendships because surely they can’t all be like that ..... I hope anyway.

Original poster
StoryOfMyFuckingLife · 09/02/2021 05:39

But depressing that the first post already seeks to blame the woman!

I know.

I'm not a flirt. Never have been. If I were, I might have more luck myself! I don't court the attentions of men. The one who messaged tonight, I barely know. I'm friendly with his wife.

A lot of the people I know socialise as couples. I can't help it that I'm single. Am I supposed to never leave the house or only surround myself with other single women?

I tried having a group of single female friends around my age but the focus was all on men. Flirting with men, hitting on men, and finding a man. I'm not interested in that.

It hasn't mattered whether they're interested in motorbikes and beer or fine wine and art galleries. It's not every man, obviously but enough of them for it to have become an issue.

OP posts:
lovelemoncurd · 09/02/2021 05:41

This is tricky. I started to write but then whatever anyone says is going to sound negative.

Maybe just develop other hobbies and interests instead of hanging out with obviously bored married couples.

Original poster
StoryOfMyFuckingLife · 09/02/2021 05:42

TheresOnlyOneJackieWeaver

Tbh, it has happened less when I've been seeing someone but then I seem to just find myself on the other side of it.

I suspect it wouldn't happen if i had a partner. But none of the men I've dated have 'developed feelings' for me so there's not a lot i can do about that.

OP posts:
AtlasPine · 09/02/2021 05:45

Sounds like a bad run, a load of shit men. I hope things get better.

Original poster
StoryOfMyFuckingLife · 09/02/2021 05:47

Maybe just develop other hobbies and interests instead of hanging out with obviously bored married couples.

That's the thing. It's not like that.

I can't really explain. Some of them have been men in 20 year marriages, some have been together 10 years and some should still be in the honeymoon period with their partners really.

These aren't boring, dull people with dull lives they wish to escape. And, in two of the cases, their partners are older than me but definitely very attractive, vibrant, youthful, slim and loving. So none of the usual excuses apply.

I'm just fucked off because I dont really want to be single. I'd love to have a loving relationship and a partner. I'm not interested in being validated by unavailable men.

And I had genuine feelings for the man i was dating last year. It would have been lovely if only he hadn't been doing exactly what these other men are doing - chasing someone else, somewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
StoryOfMyFuckingLife · 09/02/2021 05:53

Maybe just develop other hobbies and interests instead of hanging out with obviously bored married couples

Besides, why is the onus on me to reinvent myself repeatedly rather than them to just not do it?

I don't want to give details because it would be outing but i have met these friends in a variety of ways in a variety of circumstances. It's not like i have a single MO and if only i were to change that it wouldn't happen (eg if all my friends were men I'd met at the pub...)

OP posts:
Original poster
StoryOfMyFuckingLife · 09/02/2021 05:55

Sounds like a bad run, a load of shit men. I hope things get better.

Thanks. I suppose it's not long until I'm 50 and then I'm led to believe I'll be invisible to everyone 🙄

OP posts:
Dia12 · 09/02/2021 05:55

Don't have friendships with married men?

I'm not blaming you. Just saying it may be easier to avoid if you change your social circle.

Original poster
StoryOfMyFuckingLife · 09/02/2021 06:00

don’t give up on making friendships because surely they can’t all be like that ..... I hope anyway.

No, they're not all like that. But it's a significant enough number to be an issue. It's just horrible.

I think the men assume I'll be flattered or respond positively. I don't. They get one chance, when I'll shut them down, or ignore and change the subject. After that intelligent them in no uncertain terms. Then I ignore and then, if that doesnt work, I withdraw completely but that invariably means I lose the woman or other people as a result. I don't want to tell people wants happened so they just assume I've lost interest in them.

You know, like so many posts on here where someone asks why a friend of X number of years is withdrawing from them.

OP posts:
Original poster
StoryOfMyFuckingLife · 09/02/2021 06:04

I'm not blaming you. Just saying it may be easier to avoid if you change your social circle.

What, so when someone says, "My husband and I are going to see X band on Saturday, would you like to come?" or, "I'm having a few people over for dinner next week, would you like to come?" I'm supposed to say no?

How do people develop friendships if they turn down every invitation if a married man is going to be there?

I have a couple of really good friends who I sadly don't see often. I met them as a couple at a dance class. I'd only known them for 3 weeks when they invited me to a quiet soiree and we've been friends ever since. He has never once said or done anything even vaguely inappropriate. I'd have lost out on them if I had a blanket rule of not interacting with married men.

OP posts:
Original poster
StoryOfMyFuckingLife · 09/02/2021 06:09

Tbh, all the single women I know are the ones who are getting dressed up for nights out with the girls and hitting on men regardless of their relationship status. Or they're on Tinder and conversations revolve around that.

I just have no interest in that.

I'm quite happy to go for a ramble over the moors, have a pint in the local pub and go and see a live band.

I have hobbies and interests - I do a few musical activities, yoga, dancing. I don't have time for anything else.

It's good to hear that I'm the problem though.

OP posts:
Dia12 · 09/02/2021 06:12

Wow, relax.... why does everyone on MN have to jump on the complete extreme end of the comment? I didn't suggest not having any married friends.
just sounds like you don't hang out with many single people. Therein may lie the problem.

Original poster
StoryOfMyFuckingLife · 09/02/2021 06:14

I find that overly sexual appearance may have contributed to the cause but that’s your freedom in how you want to dress, if that were the case at all

If i had a sexualised appearance, I'd agree with you and I could easily fix that. But I don't. I dont wear short dresses (I'm short almost things are knee length), I dont show boobs, I dont really wear make up...

There nothing 'sexy' about me!

OP posts:
Melange99 · 09/02/2021 06:16

These guys who are hitting on you, they want an affair, and you are to hand, so to speak. They are probably propositioning every likely contender in their circle, and the false declarations of love are to get you interested. Not sure what the answer is. Be friendly with the women, but be a bit frostier with the men so that they don't see you as an option.

3rdNamechange · 09/02/2021 06:18

@mumieone your friend should be able to dress however she likes. Should she dress like a nun so other women's poor little husbands don't have to look at her?
OR the men could just GROW UP

sofato5miles · 09/02/2021 06:20

It is not you. It is the men. I am single (ish, not married but have a casual boyf that i do not want to introduce). I am the same age and have had exactly the same issues.

Infidelity is RIFE, in our 40s, or at least attempts at it. And if going by the maxim that opportunity is the main reason, married men assume that you because you are single you need them to meet your sexual needs. Hmm

I am sorry it is so depressing. In the past few years I only dip in occasionally to my long established mate circle. I created a new, younger one and focus on the women. Just bloody easier that way, sadly.