Fucking men!

[StoryOfMyFuckingLife]

I am 46. I'm about a stone overweight. I'm atractive enough but no one is going to offer me a modelling contract. I'm single. I'm always fucking single or just about to make myself single again.

In the past 5 years, I've dated two men. Both for less than a year and both I dumped for crimes against respect and decency.

In the past 5 years alone, I've lost a friendship group because one of the married men in it made a really obvious play for me, was far too attentive, giddy when I was nearby and i ended up withdrawing from the group because I didn't like it and it was, quite frankly, embarrassing. I didn't fall out with anyone because I did nothing wrong but friendships dwindled once i started avoiding group stuff because of it.

I've lost another close male friend (he was married and I was close to his wife too) because, after making a pass at me when she was out of the room on one occasion and me rejecting him, he later contacted me to tell me he was in love with me which means I've lost her too.

I could have lost another friend because her husband 'developed feelings' for me - he actually told her he'd fallen in love with me . Fortunately, she is the most amazing woman ever and told me at the time that he was an idiot but she couldn't bear to lose me as a friend. We worked really hard on saving our friendship. They worked things out and it's now like that blip never happened (fortunately).

I've moved on, i've made new friends... every time it happens, i move on and make new friends. And it just happens again.

I dated someone for a few months last year (the second of the two men). I met him through friends. So we have mutual friends/acquaintances in common. Three couples mainly although the wife of one doesn't socialise much with us and has her own friends.

Of the three men... two of the three have made it known for a while that, if I were interested, they would be too. They've both declared love

The third? Well I don't know him well. He's socially awkward, quiet and a bit irascible. And then, tonight, he messaged me to say he was sorry to hear that the his friend and I had split up (4 months ago!) He's never seemed particularly interested in getting to know me or talking to me so i was surprised at his sudden friendliness...

You know where this is going...

Just pisses me off and makes me feel really sad. I know that none of these men are actually interested in me. Of these four men, one I was seeing but he never thought I was good enough for him because I'm not 28 and hot. And the other three are in relationships telling me how attractive I am and how much they fancy me.

Of all the men who have declared love to me over the past 10 years, I haven't been in a relationship with any of them and none of them have been single.

It's just fucking shit.

What is fucking wrong with them??

@storyofmyfuckinglife.. Maybe you're just 'nice'.. Simple as that. Not what you wear?! Not because you're flirty.. Just nice and not trying?!
I've been hit on by married men in the past.. A lot bored and loving the attention, that's not your fault or problem though.

It’s not you.

It’s the media making men think that any available woman over 40 is desperate for sex- the media is full of stories about post menopausal women finding themselves sexually and having the best sex of their lives I mean sure, yeah a lot of us are but a lot of us also aren’t remotely interested in it and there’s a lot in between! But yeah I think they see the daily Mail showbiz page about the Carole Vs and Davinas of the world who are saying how energised they feel and how much they love sex etc etc blah blah, read loads of similar stories from similar people. Men think all older women must be gagging for it.

I also think, older men have this “last chance saloon” type attitude. They’re going to be past it soon so might as well chance their luck.

These two aspects are a dangerous combination.

@butterpuffed some guys have no shame and why is the wife still with him 😐 I’d be outta there !

Random cake emoji there. Probably because I prefer cake to sex a lot of the time...!

@Iwonder08

Hmmm..you are never married reasonably attractive woman in your 40s..people would make assumptions that you made a conscious choice to be independent and single. They might assume you like adventures, quick relationships etc. I think it explains lots of attention you seem to be getting from married men. There are a lot of women who prefer that, it is their choice. However I am puzzled why you keep loosing friendships over it. At your age you should be capable of turning men down without things being awkward. It is really not difficult unless there is a significant power imbalance like in a workplace

I kind of know what you're saying, but how can it NOT be awkward to turn down a man who is married, and you're friends with his wife? That has awkward written all over it right from the start!

Besides, OP seems to be handling it with minimal awkwardness, that's not the issue. The issue is that the fuckers are doing it in the first place.

OP, I suspect "skater dress and DMs" is hitting some kind of Manic Pixie Dream Girl trope and these men see you as a convenient bit-player in the movie of their lives. Your role, as they see it, should be as the independent, take-no-shit, quirky, cool woman who will re-invigorate their marriage by giving them a couple of pity shags and then sending them back to their wives, re-energised with relationship energy.

There is a depressing number of men who simply don't see women as human beings - in their view, we are on this earth to play a role for them, whether that's as mother, wife, or material for the wank bank. I've found it's a rare (straight) man who makes female friends that he doesn't find attractive in some way.

You are definitely not the problem here, OP

It's not the media making men think this. It has ever been thus.

Blokes just assume that if you're not getting it regularly, you're desperate for cock. Probably projecting

Like my mum many years ago, recently widowed, her brother in law tried it on saying she must be missing sex, and when she moved into a village all the men were cracking on, married or not.

Horny guys with no morals are not a new phenomenon and not the fault of Davina

I think it’s just men chancing their arm, seeing an opportunity and having a go.

I’ve never had a genuine male friend. Every single one has made a pass. The only men I have on Facebook are my cousins or gay.

I don’t have many couple friends in the sense that I would socialise with the men like the op does, but I have experienced similar in the workplace a lot over the years, especially when I divorced.

I am also single, and I cannot tell you how many married friends' husbands hit on me.

I is depressingly common. Many men are utter scum

This reminds me so much of my younger years. I would make friends and then about 9 months in, I'd have some awful conversation where the guy would say something and it changed the whole dynamic. Eventually it was effort not to roll my eyes and say "oh another one". I wasn't looking for attention but it found me anyway. I'm afraid I don't have any advice but can feel your annoyance.

Yup I understand completely
It happened to me
Are you in a smallish town, I was and after my divorce the amount of married men who thought I was fair game was disgusting, I ended up mainly going to occasions where it was mostly the women attending.
It’s disheartening I do have a friend I confide in and every time it happened we’d be either shocked it was him or disgusted and she kept me sane about it
Small town small minded men she used to call them
I would do as you shut them down but I wouldn’t answer the first text as I had learned by then that being friendly And concerned was code for I want to fuck you
Depressing isn’t it

@StoryOfMyFuckingLife

Well i don't dress sexily. That was my main point. I'm not here for a critique on the clothes i wear - if I were all tight dresses and boobs out I could see the issue but I'm not.

Besides, are you really suggesting that im 'asking for it' because of my clothes?

I know right?! WTF! This place confuses me so much. Sorry you've got mid-life-crisis men ruining your friendships.

Some women just ooze sexuality without knowing it. I've met a few IRL. Men are besotted by them in one way and frightened of them in another way.

A man I know sent me a dick pic at Christmas

You should forward to his wife with the message
I think this belongs to you.

Sorry op, these men are awful. What happens if you stay in the group and just close the men down? Is it too awkward?

Well, it's quite clearly not every or even most men, given your tiny sample size here. Most women go their whole lives never getting hit on by their friends' partners...

But it is clearly something to do with the sort of friendship circles you're in. It's either incredibly bad luck or something about the type of women you find yourself in friendships with - maybe you sense they're in unhappy marriages and find it easier to socialise with women like that than happy couples rubbing your singleness in your face? And men in unhappy marriages are more likely to seek an ego boost from an attractive, single friend? Speculating here.

Or it's just bad luck, it happens. But in 45 years these few incidents are hardly enough to even consider that all or most men are like this. That's your own negative view of men that is feeding this thinking that connects a few incidents into a bigger pattern. Are you happily single or do you want to meet someone? Because if you do want to meet someone, focus your energies on making that happen (or understand why it isn't). And perhaps try to find social groups that don't have only couples I.e you can hang out with women without their partners, or a mix of singles and couples.

The one thing I would say - the incident where you said the husband was just being attentive and too close, but never declared feelings - are you sure he had them? When I was newly divorced, my friend's husband was extra attentive and nice to me and it was only because he (and my friend) felt quite protective of me being on my own, and maybe a bit sorry too. It was just empathy, not romantic. Could have been case with him.

Cos they are all arseholes?
Not me but several mates that split up with husband's in the forties. Sleazy offers left right and centre.
Yeah, cos what they are really looking for is someone else's grubby husband.

Oooze sexuality? What?

That's not a green light for come ons.

Not all men do this. I have male friends that don't do this.
You need new friends. It's not you

Sometimes I have shamed them. Mostly I just ignore it.

I dont really want to walk away from friendships.

As for those saying I shouldn't need to and I should just rebuff them and carry on, I've just told one of my friends about it.

I told her it means that the last time I went out for an evening with friends, I went with the guy I was seeing and our mutual friends and that, of the four men around that table, one i was dating and the other three are in relationships and have contacted me inappropriately! That's just crap. I dont like being in the company of friends knowing that their husband/partner has tried it on with me!

These are all decent people in their 50s. Good jobs, nice homes, comfortable lives. Not losers or depserados.

Wow the victim blaming on this thread is quite something. The OP has been accused of dressing provocatively, oozing sexuality and of choosing the wrong friends.

No wonder it's hard to talk to women about this phenomenon when so many of them are Not My Nigel.

It's because ultimately they see women as things to have sex with, not people. Because no other man has "claimed" you, that means you're fair game.

Your complete lack of interest in them is much less important than whether or not you are another man's "property".

How do the husbands get your number - do they get it from their wives ? Just asking as none of my friends husbands have my number and I’d find it bizarre if they asked me.

Op said that one of the men told his wife he was in love with her but the wife wanted to stay friends with her.

Tbf, he's behaved the most appropriately out of all of them. His wife asked him if he had feelings for me. He told her the was in love with me. She got in touch with me and told me which was all really awkward she said she didnt blame me and I'd done nothing wrong. It was difficult for a few months but it's all fine now. The only thing she asked of me is that I didnt tell any of our friends because that would have been humiliating. So I didn't. I have no 121 contact with him, she and I are still really good friends. Thankfully.

Tbh I find that it’s not the blatant sexily dressed type that these men particularly go for. I am quiet, very unflirty, don’t show off my figure particularly (no skater dresses) but I have always got into messy stalkerish situations with men all my life.

Maybe they think you are easy pickings just because you are single - nothing to do with your behaviour.
When l split up with my ex of 11 years, l saw his mate out one night, literally the week after we had split up. He was going onnaboutnhowngutted he was we had split up and asking is there no way we would get back together and once l said a definite no (ex was a cheater), he said oh good cos l have always liked you, can we go out?? Ha told him l was so over men thanks but no thanks - how awks would that have been??
Had a few weird offers when l was single it's like society thinks a single woman needs saving which l most certainly didn't!!