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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fucking men!

422 replies

StoryOfMyFuckingLife · 09/02/2021 04:50

I am 46. I'm about a stone overweight. I'm atractive enough but no one is going to offer me a modelling contract. I'm single. I'm always fucking single or just about to make myself single again.

In the past 5 years, I've dated two men. Both for less than a year and both I dumped for crimes against respect and decency.

In the past 5 years alone, I've lost a friendship group because one of the married men in it made a really obvious play for me, was far too attentive, giddy when I was nearby and i ended up withdrawing from the group because I didn't like it and it was, quite frankly, embarrassing. I didn't fall out with anyone because I did nothing wrong but friendships dwindled once i started avoiding group stuff because of it.

I've lost another close male friend (he was married and I was close to his wife too) because, after making a pass at me when she was out of the room on one occasion and me rejecting him, he later contacted me to tell me he was in love with me Hmm which means I've lost her too.

I could have lost another friend because her husband 'developed feelings' for me - he actually told her he'd fallen in love with me Hmm. Fortunately, she is the most amazing woman ever and told me at the time that he was an idiot but she couldn't bear to lose me as a friend. We worked really hard on saving our friendship. They worked things out and it's now like that blip never happened (fortunately).

I've moved on, i've made new friends... every time it happens, i move on and make new friends. And it just happens again.

I dated someone for a few months last year (the second of the two men). I met him through friends. So we have mutual friends/acquaintances in common. Three couples mainly although the wife of one doesn't socialise much with us and has her own friends.

Of the three men... two of the three have made it known for a while that, if I were interested, they would be too. They've both declared love Hmm

The third? Well I don't know him well. He's socially awkward, quiet and a bit irascible. And then, tonight, he messaged me to say he was sorry to hear that the his friend and I had split up (4 months ago!) He's never seemed particularly interested in getting to know me or talking to me so i was surprised at his sudden friendliness...

You know where this is going...

Just pisses me off and makes me feel really sad. I know that none of these men are actually interested in me. Of these four men, one I was seeing but he never thought I was good enough for him because I'm not 28 and hot. And the other three are in relationships telling me how attractive I am and how much they fancy me.

Of all the men who have declared love to me over the past 10 years, I haven't been in a relationship with any of them and none of them have been single.

It's just fucking shit.

What is fucking wrong with them??

OP posts:
stuckinaloopie · 09/02/2021 07:43

@mumieone what are you on about? Can we stop this "what did you wear?" kind of talk as if men are animals without inhibition? It's 2021 man!

MolyHolyGuacamole · 09/02/2021 07:45

@TinySongstress

I'm 39 and wouldn't dream of mainly wearing skater dresses. Shock

Maybe that's where I'm going wrong....

Wtf is wrong with skater dresses? Jesus MN is weird
Deathraystare · 09/02/2021 07:45

It is the same as when a woman is suddenly widowed or divorced, suddenly the menfolk of her friends are all attentive and want to 'help'. I will leave you all to scratch your heads as to what they mean by 'help',,,,,,,,

AnitaB888 · 09/02/2021 07:46

I wish I could answer your question OP.

I have a friend who is attractive, well-educated, good job, 50ish, great cook and homemaker, own house & car, witty, conservatively well-dressed and personable.

She has never married and seems to attract only married men or men who are 'unavailable'.

All I can think is that she is giving off some 'independence' vibe that available men don't like.

stuckinaloopie · 09/02/2021 07:48

@Dia12 listen to yourself: how many single people are there her age? Like, just think about that for a bit.

Thebusiness · 09/02/2021 07:50

This is precisely why I don’t have male friends. They always make a pass.

stuckinaloopie · 09/02/2021 07:52

OP, men are stupid. But I bet you knew that.

MiddlesexGirl · 09/02/2021 07:54

The dresses do have something to do with it ..... they're "cute". But that wouldn't stop me wearing them as like pp say, this is a man problem. As such I think you need to get better at filtering the flirtatious behaviour from the friendly and rebuff the very first move that crosses that line. If a male messages you about anything except the most mundane maybe practical or work related thing, then don't reply. Blank any advances and avoid the perpetrator wherever possible but don't end the friendship with the wife/partner.

Blueskytoday06 · 09/02/2021 07:57

This sounds like lamenting 🤷‍♀️

‘Of all the men who have declared love to me over the past 10 years, I haven't been in a relationship with any of them and none of them have been single.’

Coffeeandcocopops · 09/02/2021 07:58

The problem is the men you know.

ThenCatoJumpedOut · 09/02/2021 07:59

Yes OP, this is quite common

It’s partly the skater dresses with biker boots Wink (well, I lost a friend to a skater dress as her husband kept asking her why can’t she wear dresses like that as it looks so nice on me Confused)

But yeah, a friend of mine divorced last year and is experiencing what you are experiencing

It’s so disappointing really, some couples she was friends with, the men gave suddenly made a bid for her ;texting her at night asking if she is lonely, if she wants them to come over), all with no encouragement from her

It’s bloody annoying and sad, and it’s worse if other women then blame the woman

Bloody men and their midlife crises!

Northernsoullover · 09/02/2021 07:59

@Idratherberude

I think single women of this age must exude some sort of magical mystery that men find intriguing. They think they're so amazing (as a group) that how can you, a mere woman, resist them and be happily single? As usual, they think the world starts and ends with them!
I believe the OP. I've been propositioned by many a married man. There is nothing amazing about me. I was single and had a pulse. The problem lay with the men. Now I'm in a relationship these types of men no longer assume 'I'm gagging for it' my style is jeans, sweats and trainers btw. If you can call it style!
Northernsoullover · 09/02/2021 08:00

@Idratherberude I'm agreeing with you btw. My post isn't clear

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 09/02/2021 08:02

I totally get it op . Single women are seen as predators wanting to steal married men.. im not sure why. Who is looking for some boring old bald bloke who farts in bed ? I must admit I dont get these vibes in my own circle because my friends know I'm not that type of person , but I have experienced this kind of behaviour at gatherings.

Not sure what the solution is but maybe strike out and find more variety of friends to hang out with.

Its depressing I agree

RuggeryBuggery · 09/02/2021 08:03

Ugh sounds so tedious OP!
Agree it must be something to do with their stage of life aka mid life crisis?
Plus as others have said - maybe their assumption that you’re gagging for it 🙄
Also I wonder from your description if you are just the right amount of attractive? Not so much as to be intimidating but quite attractive and a bit curvy?

Bluntness100 · 09/02/2021 08:07

Op did you post this before, name change and now posting it again?

Monty27 · 09/02/2021 08:10

I'm single and allergic to attached men and liars
Way to go

Idratherberude · 09/02/2021 08:16

@Northernsoullover your experience highlights the other depressing side to this situation, men no longer come on to you because you are taken now. Literally, they see you as your partners' whereas OP is a free agent and "up for grabs".

Ever been out with your friends and a man sidles up to you to ask what you're doing there on your own? That's because there's no man there "claiming" you already.
Envy (not envy)

Silenceisgolden20 · 09/02/2021 08:20

@Deathraystare

It is the same as when a woman is suddenly widowed or divorced, suddenly the menfolk of her friends are all attentive and want to 'help'. I will leave you all to scratch your heads as to what they mean by 'help',,,,,,,,
I never, ever had that. If anything, all couples disappeared.
Iwonder08 · 09/02/2021 08:23

Hmmm..you are never married reasonably attractive woman in your 40s..people would make assumptions that you made a conscious choice to be independent and single. They might assume you like adventures, quick relationships etc. I think it explains lots of attention you seem to be getting from married men. There are a lot of women who prefer that, it is their choice.
However I am puzzled why you keep loosing friendships over it. At your age you should be capable of turning men down without things being awkward. It is really not difficult unless there is a significant power imbalance like in a workplace

Silenceisgolden20 · 09/02/2021 08:23

I wear skater dresses and have male friends that haven't come onto me. When single. It is possible
Unless it's just me??
It does sound depressing if it's happening all the time.

Has this been posted before? Reads very similar

Maryberryscake · 09/02/2021 08:28

Do you ever shame them ? Say - what do you think your wife would say if I told her what you just said to me ?

Original poster
StoryOfMyFuckingLife · 09/02/2021 08:36

‘Of all the men who have declared love to me over the past 10 years, I haven't been in a relationship with any of them and none of them have been single.’

I'm lamenting my dire relationship history, not lamenting the fact I've never pursued anything with a married man!

I have posted before.

I took on board some of the advice people gave just to see if it would make any difference. Not necessarily because I thought it was 'right'. Nust out of curiosity.

It's happened twice since then. And we've been in lockdown for most of the past 12 months!

A man I know sent me a dick pic at Christmas and now this.

It's not even like I'm seeing people! I saw the man who messaged me last night twice last year. Once in Jan before lockdown and once in October between lockdowns. No other contact at all.

OP posts:
butterpuffed · 09/02/2021 08:37

@Maryberryscake

Do you ever shame them ? Say - what do you think your wife would say if I told her what you just said to me ?
Op said that one of the men told his wife he was in love with her but the wife wanted to stay friends with her.
Northernsoullover · 09/02/2021 08:39

@Silenceisgolden20

I wear skater dresses and have male friends that haven't come onto me. When single. It is possible Unless it's just me?? It does sound depressing if it's happening all the time.

Has this been posted before? Reads very similar

I have added comments on similar threads over the years. Its depressingly common.