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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are there any men who don't cheat....

291 replies

Manda2725 · 07/02/2021 17:42

Okay, so I'm feeling a bit down tbh. As per previous thread I just hit rid of my first boyfriend in 10 years who I found out was chatting with women online. My partner prior to this had an affair and left me 7 months pregnant with our second child.
I feel so ready to settle down, get married and do all that stuff but what's the point with all these bloody men and wen who don't give a damn about cheating.
I literally had a message from a guy on my Facebook offering himself on a plate to me (he has a girlfriend)... And tbh it's the last thing I need and just confirms yet again that faithful relationships are hard to come by.
I'm actually giving up and I'm only 40 😔...
I asked the guy why men do this and he said "no man is ever really happy, they are always looking for something better"
That cut my soul deep. Do you guys think there really are decent, faithful men out there who are genuinely happy with what they have.

OP posts:
Athrawes · 09/02/2021 07:17

Yes. My ex-husband would never cheat. He is available if you want him.

AmIBeingTwatty · 09/02/2021 07:20

I don’t think my DH ever would.

louise4754 · 09/02/2021 07:45

@Mittens030869 Accounted for?? Strange.

Mittens030869 · 09/02/2021 08:01

@Redflaggs
Yes, I'm afraid that sentence didn't make sense did it? All I meant was that, even if I was the suspicious type, there really hasn't been any period of time when I haven't known where my DH was or what he was doing. He doesn't work late and, since we had the DDs, he hasn't had the time for hobbies. And I've been the one who's been away a few times not him.

Anyway, trying to convince you that all men are not cheats is clearly not going to change your mind. Because, quite obviously, short of being together all the time, no one can be entirely sure that their partner has been up to. Grin

WalkingMeAway · 09/02/2021 08:44

Pretty much every man I have ever known/met has cheated !

I can only think of my grandad, my FIL, my brother and a few friends off the top of my head that I believe haven’t. And let’s be honest, that’s only because I don’t ‘know’ the ins and outs of their relationships. As men they are decent people so I’d like to think not.

Family members, friends, friends husbands. I’ve had 3 long term jobs and all the men were always at it with some one else. On staff nights out, lunch breaks, etc.

My first LT boyfriend, my ex husband, even casual (as in dating but supposedly ‘exclusive’).

I would never be surprised now. Sad really 😔
How many times have we heard or read ‘I never thought he would’

Oh to add I’ve known a lot of women too! But more men.

TableFlowerss · 09/02/2021 08:55

@Toorapid

I don't know, but I do think that given the right (wrong?) circumstamces even good men (and women) will cheat.

I don't buy the black and white evil bastard thing. Some men are undoubtedly serial philanderers with no thought for anyone but themselves, but I think a lot of affairs involve good people who've made poor decisions in difficult situations, often in an attempt to keep everyone happy. The secrecy comes about through not wanting to hurt anyone. They themselves are rarely happy with the position they've got themselves in.

Hmmm that sounds more like excuse making to me.... it’s as if its altruism and they’re only thinking about others and that’s why they keep it secret Confused

It’s kept a secret because they want their cake and to eat it. If that secret comes out then it’s over.

I’m sure they don’t intentionally go out to hurt their partner but equally, they don’t care enough to stop themselves.....

tuttifuckinfruity · 09/02/2021 08:55

I think there's two aspects to it.

Sometimes men have affairs, and would leave (or consider leaving) their wife for another woman.

Other times, men mess about behind their wives backs. Would they leave their wife / kids / comfortable life for these flings? Absolutely not, never in a hundred years. In these cases they genuinely seem to prefer their wife.....but not enough to not do it. It's the whole why go out for a burger when you have steak at home? I don't know why they do it and I don't think they know why they do it. I think they see it as just sex / primal and crave something different. I don't think they understand (or just ignore) how devastating it would be for their wife.

I guess in these cases they do it for the thrill and can separate their physical urges from their emotions.

I have a husband who claims he would never, ever do that. If he was presented with the opportunity and assured I would never find out......I reckon there's a good chance he would. Possibly already has.

Who knows.

tuttifuckinfruity · 09/02/2021 09:00

Also, it's very rare that I come across a guy who would turn my head at all. I don't find all that many men attractive.

Whereas I'm sure my husband sees / meets 100s of good looking women on a daily basis.

Toorapid · 09/02/2021 09:19

@TableFlowerss of course it's excuses but good people make excuses all the time about all sorts of things, in an attempt to keep people happy/not upset someone.

TableFlowerss · 09/02/2021 09:25

[quote Toorapid]@TableFlowerss of course it's excuses but good people make excuses all the time about all sorts of things, in an attempt to keep people happy/not upset someone.[/quote]
But that’s secondary to putting their own selfish needs first, particularly regarding an affair!

Toorapid · 09/02/2021 09:28

Well, if you think an affair is worse than all the other kinds of cheating and lying people do, yes.

My simple point is that perfectly good people have affairs, it doesn't make them all round evil.

BigFatLiar · 09/02/2021 09:33

I'm actually giving up and I'm only 40 😔...

Nothing wrong with that. Several of OH's friends gave up on women way before then (20s) and they're happy enough with their hobbies.

If you think all men are cheats why would you even bother looking just settle down and be happy with yourself. They may have been cheats but they've given you your kids so move on. Just remember if you have a son then you're raising a cheating liar.

I think it was Einstein said that insanity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Must be a lot of insane women here.

Eckhart · 09/02/2021 10:31

Also, I think it doesn't matter if you 'give up'. People who get married effectively 'give up' looking for a partner. It doesn't stop them from meeting people they find attractive and having affairs or leaving their current partner to pursue the new relationship.

I would argue that 'giving up' might work in your favour. You'll concentrate more on yourself, doing things you love, and meet more people who also love those things. This heightens your chances of meeting someone likeminded and attractive, rather than diminishing them. 'Looking for' a partner will lead you to places where people are 'looking for' a partner. There will be a higher proportion of people in those circles who seek external validation, ie, people who don't have a particularly healthy approach to relationships.

So I'd say, give up!

HeartbrokenJames · 09/02/2021 10:34

"Are there any men who don't cheat...."

Yes - plenty. I did not cheat in 28 years of marriage. And now my wife is divorcing me, and has aligned the children with her. I'm the bad one.

Our relationship went downhill, for various reasons (mostly, but not wholly, my fault) but I never looked elsewhere; that would have been wrong. I have never understood men or women who could cheat on their partner.

The guy who told you, "no man is ever really happy, they are always looking for something better" is full of shit and is talking just about himself.

I made a promise on my wedding day. A ton of good it did me.

Manda2725 I wish you the best in finding your soulmate.

Scottishskifun · 09/02/2021 10:46

No not all men cheat maybe when you are ready to start dating try looking for guys outside your usual type. That guy is talking about himself not all men. Just like saying all women cheat its rubbish some do majority don't.

dREt · 09/02/2021 10:49

Nobody can know for sure what their partner, dad, father in laws have done. My dad had an affair, my mum had an affair, my DH has had an emotional affair and my son left his wife for someone else so I know first hand that affairs and cheating are rife. Technology makes it much easier to cheat and people do it. Perhaps it would be better to reset expectations in life. Staying faithful to one person for 50 years is hard. I’ve been tempted a couple of times but didn’t as I had seen what damage it causes. Needless to say the men involved were both married.

Carrottop73 · 09/02/2021 10:57

In my experience there are no men that given the right circumstances and opportunity would cheat.

You just don’t always hear about it because they don’t get caught or they don’t leave their wife and it is dealt with within the marriage.

Sad but true in my experience.

Carrottop73 · 09/02/2021 10:58

*Wouldn’t cheat!

Eckhart · 09/02/2021 11:17

@Carrottop73

In my experience there are no men that given the right circumstances and opportunity would cheat.

You just don’t always hear about it because they don’t get caught or they don’t leave their wife and it is dealt with within the marriage.

Sad but true in my experience.

That's about you and your life experiences. It doesn't address OP's question in the slightest.
Dadandmanupsingledad · 09/02/2021 11:18

I hope their are other men don't cheat. Why do anyone do IT? BREAK it off✂️free the person 🆓 and fuck with🎲anyone rol the dice. Worst part being cheated on hurts sucks so stop ppl🛑⛔🤯 you can also jump in front of the bus before you choose to cheat 🚎

HeartbrokenJames · 09/02/2021 12:39

I might add that I was cheated on by two girlfriends when I was younger. The excruciating pain of those deceptions and betrayals of trust, plus my concern that I did not want to cause such pain for anyone else, contributed to my resolve not to entertain any notion of cheating on my wife.

I get entirely why some men have lost hope in finding a partner they can be safe with. Society has become quite misandristic and dealing with women has become perceived as risky.

StoryOfMyFuckingLife · 09/02/2021 12:45

I get entirely why some men have lost hope in finding a partner they can be safe with. Society has become quite misandristic and dealing with women has become perceived as risky.

Hmm

Yeah because expecting men not to abuse and sexually assault us is so unreasonable...

Men who don't do this have nothing to worry about.

Not2Trust · 09/02/2021 14:33

I have been married for a long time and have children. I think my husband has been unfaithful in the past, he was close to a female colleague at one point, I didn’t find evidence they became physical but at the very least they had an emotional affair. I trust no one but don’t believe it’s just men who cheat, women are as capable, after all it takes two to have an affair/cheat.

Senabak · 09/02/2021 14:49

@Not2Trust

The stats for men cheating have stayed pretty similar for many years but for women they have increased by 40%. I know in my mums generation it was very much a case of turn a blind eye and don’t ask questions. As women have become more financially independent and work more than they did years ago, both opportunity and the financial ability to survive if found out have increased the numbers. Men still cheat more than women overall though.

@tuttifuckinfruity

I don’t think looks come into it for some men. If the opportunity is there they will take it whether happy or not in relationship. The OW my ex had an affair with was very plain. He just explained it as “she offered it on a plate and I took it” it was as simple as that for him.

tuttifuckinfruity · 09/02/2021 15:31

[quote Senabak]@Not2Trust

The stats for men cheating have stayed pretty similar for many years but for women they have increased by 40%. I know in my mums generation it was very much a case of turn a blind eye and don’t ask questions. As women have become more financially independent and work more than they did years ago, both opportunity and the financial ability to survive if found out have increased the numbers. Men still cheat more than women overall though.

@tuttifuckinfruity

I don’t think looks come into it for some men. If the opportunity is there they will take it whether happy or not in relationship. The OW my ex had an affair with was very plain. He just explained it as “she offered it on a plate and I took it” it was as simple as that for him.[/quote]
@Senabak, god that's grim, but i agree you are probably right.

Sorry about your husband doing that.