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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Are there any men who don't cheat....

291 replies

Manda2725 · 07/02/2021 17:42

Okay, so I'm feeling a bit down tbh. As per previous thread I just hit rid of my first boyfriend in 10 years who I found out was chatting with women online. My partner prior to this had an affair and left me 7 months pregnant with our second child.
I feel so ready to settle down, get married and do all that stuff but what's the point with all these bloody men and wen who don't give a damn about cheating.
I literally had a message from a guy on my Facebook offering himself on a plate to me (he has a girlfriend)... And tbh it's the last thing I need and just confirms yet again that faithful relationships are hard to come by.
I'm actually giving up and I'm only 40 😔...
I asked the guy why men do this and he said "no man is ever really happy, they are always looking for something better"
That cut my soul deep. Do you guys think there really are decent, faithful men out there who are genuinely happy with what they have.

OP posts:
EmmaGrundyForPM · 07/02/2021 22:06

Some men and some women cheat. It's not innate to men.

I am positive my dh would never cheat. I don't think that's naive, it's knowing the integrity of my husband. I could say the same about several other husbands of friends.

Mydogmylife · 07/02/2021 22:07

Married at 23, and for 40 years and neither of us have cheated, and I really hope that neither of us will succumb in the future - probably unlikely now as by this stage in our lives the betrayal would be so much more than any short term fling would warrant, and speaking for myself have no inclination (doesn't mean I've gone blind and can't appreciate a good looking man though!) I'm sorry you've been unlucky , don't give up that you won't find the right one for you, if that's what you want .

TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 07/02/2021 22:08

[quote DanceLikeAdamAnt]@TheViewFromDownHere I agree that in theory it seems like an untapped market Grin

I'm only 5'1'' so it should have been easy to find a man who was short but still taller than I am. But it did not work out like that at all. I wonder if maybe short men don't like short women??? They want the status of a taller woman? Whereas tall men used to send me messages and I used to think sigh, 6'2'' is just too tall for me
I went on dates with men who were really tall but I felt that it was hanging in the air, an incompatibility.

I went on a great date (I thought) with a man who was 5'7 but he then told me ''actually although i was available on tuesday i'm not available now''. Confused

God the peace, contentment and equilibrium that has finally washed over me since I stopped looking for something that doesn't exist. I recommend it.[/quote]
I'm 5' 10'' - so considered on the shorter side, although average height for the UK - and I love shorter women. It used to be my "type" (as it were) before I realised such things didn't really matter in the face of actual chemistry. But like the PP, short women didn't feelt he same about me! Grin Personal experience, I know, so far from statistically proveable, but most short women I know ended up going for tall guys. The number of couples with a woman under 5'2" and a man over 6ft at our primary school is quite ridiculous...

TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 07/02/2021 22:13

Also, this might be a good time to point out that according to recent research millennial women are actually now more likely to cheat than millenial men.

Shesheadingonin · 07/02/2021 22:17

I’ve had two long term relationships and been cheated on both times. I do believe there are guys out there who don’t cheat if they are in a loving, respectful relationship but the question is will I be lucky enough to meet one! I definitely won’t be giving power to those who were deceitful by distrusting future relationships and ruining them through paranoia and lack of trust. But I also realise that in my wiser years, my instincts have never been wrong so I’m relying on that. And of course my winning smile Smile

Opaljewel · 07/02/2021 22:26

Mine hasn't and he never has. Even his family have said he's never cheated on anyone. We work together and live together. I never have either. We've both had offers and we've told each other. I am glad we respect each other enough. I know people say you can never be 100% but he's probably only guy I've ever felt that way about. I've been cheated on in the past. Once an ex cheated on me twice in one night with two friends!

Plussizejumpsuit · 07/02/2021 22:32

I'm sorry you've had a bad experience. I don't know if you are trying to make yourself feel better by making put others relationships are terrible and the men cheat? Or maybe you really believe that. Obviously loads of women like myself are going to say their partners or husbands don't.

But I think if you look at it from a statistical view if every man was cheating there would be way more women cheating. There would be even more divorce and separation than there is. So really it's unlike all men cheat.

In my experience the type who cheat do believe all men do it. They tend to be selfish ares holes who can't understand that all men aren't twats like them.

Redflaggs · 07/02/2021 22:38

I always wonder if people truly believe their dp won't, or hasn't in the past.
Most people do not share everything, you may believe you do but there are still loads you don't.

I only know one man who hasn't, that's my grandad, in fact my nanny cheated on him. I believe just to a lack of affection, he worked then went to the pub. She raised the dc and worked 2/3 jobs. They hit a bad patch but recovered.

I know all my ex's have, actually my exh didn't until he did with me over the separation.
My dad has. Uncles have. Friends dps, old school friends dp's.

I've seen men from 18-70 trying to.

So no I would never trust a man 💯 but I also wouldn't trust a women either, though I do believe women cheat less physical due to how we Perceive Intimacy

ItbarelysnowsinLondon · 07/02/2021 22:38

Not in my experience no.

I've had a number of boyfriends and I can't think of one I could trust as far as I could throw, not even the quiet/shy ones.

The father of my DC cheated on me multiple times and managed to conceive my kids half sibling in the process. He's socially awkward (autism) has no IRL friends he meets up with and virtually never goes to pubs/clubs. Nobody ever expected it of him. He seemed like a safe bet on paper.

My other ex who I always thought I would marry as he was such a good man used to have ONS' and shag his friends wife.

Sorry to discredit you @TheViewFromDownHere but I know of three short short men who cheat, one of them is in his 80's and has been 'happily' married for 30+ years.

I would love to meet somebody I could trust implicitly but I've been burned too many times to ever be that naive again.

Masterpieceontheshelf · 07/02/2021 22:40

I don't think any of my BF / Husbands cheated on me.
I didn't cheat on any of them.
I think it was a line in the sand for all of us.

I don't do open relationships, if you are with me I want the best of you or nothing.

I'm happy with a current FWB type relationship, but if he wanted to look elsewhere I would finish and move onto the next. I get variety that way these days.

talesofnottinghill · 07/02/2021 22:45

I'm so sorry to buck the trend, maybe I'm less of a man. Never have, never will, despite having the chance twice, both times instigated by women. One married, a colleague who was pretty brazen after giving me 'lifts' home from work a few times. I didn't cotton on as I'm not exactly America's next top model material!One an old friend going through a tough time who wanted more than a hug. I was seeing someone at the time, said I was in love, it wouldn't be right and that you're going through a tough time and need support from me, not 'that', address the causes and stop looking for the answers in relationships.

That friend is still a friend, holds me in high regard as someone she can trust, always thanks me for being a true friend and, did find happiness once she stopped looking for it in the opposite sex, followed my advice and thought about getting herself together. previously she'd been in a relationship (long term) with someone who got involved with drugs, and, she always wrongly blamed herself for it.
Phew. Sorry about that, but it isn't ALL men. I'm sorry for anyone, M or F who's suffered like this!

Manda2725 · 07/02/2021 22:53

@TossaCoinToYerWitcher
What's a Chad and what's a red pill site??

OP posts:
yearinyearout · 07/02/2021 22:53

Got to love all these posters saying their dad/brothers/cousins never cheat. Like they'd tell you!

Manda2725 · 07/02/2021 22:54

@talesofnottinghill
Thank you I needed to hear that 😊🙏

OP posts:
Manda2725 · 07/02/2021 23:02

Can't reply to all but I always set very clear strong boundaries. I'm a very open person I always have been.
I've always made it clear what I class as cheating etc... And every partner has agreed with me then done exactly the opposite and wasted my time completely.
I spent the last 10 years alone as a single working parent healing and growing as a person so I'm absolutely not carrying any past resentment or scars as such.....
I just know what I want and don't seem to be able to find anyone who actually has the balls to be honest and faithful. They've all said the right things and the actions have been different.
@Plussizejumpsuit
I'm just going off my experience... Its all I can do. Not trying to do anything other than hope to see a few happy relationship stories thar might cheer me up....

OP posts:
Manda2725 · 07/02/2021 23:03

@Masterpieceontheshelf.
I couldn't do open relationship either. Not for me x

OP posts:
Manda2725 · 07/02/2021 23:06

@Plussizejumpsuit
Also I don't believe it's just the men... But I'm talking about my exes who are men. I've never cheated so I hope that wasn't you implying I'm an arsehole? Confused 🤔

OP posts:
wewillmeetagain · 07/02/2021 23:09

While I wouldn't say all men cheat id say its a very very high percentage of them that do cheat. Every single boyfriend or husband ive ever had has cheated on me bar one! They have all been very different men so its not like im going for a certain type. Im now single and I honestly don't think I would ever trust a man 100% ever again. Im far happier being single than living with the paranoia of having to go through that again.

FascinatingWeather · 07/02/2021 23:10

I find it depends on social circles. I have dated some men who have quite 'moralistic' mates and that lack of encouragement from other males seemed to alleviate any concerns that they were missing out. However, other boyfriends were in social circles where they were actively encouraged by their male friends to cheat and consequently did so as cheating was considered normal.

TheViewFromDownHere · 07/02/2021 23:11

@ItbarelysnowsinLondon

Not in my experience no.

I've had a number of boyfriends and I can't think of one I could trust as far as I could throw, not even the quiet/shy ones.

The father of my DC cheated on me multiple times and managed to conceive my kids half sibling in the process. He's socially awkward (autism) has no IRL friends he meets up with and virtually never goes to pubs/clubs. Nobody ever expected it of him. He seemed like a safe bet on paper.

My other ex who I always thought I would marry as he was such a good man used to have ONS' and shag his friends wife.

Sorry to discredit you @TheViewFromDownHere but I know of three short short men who cheat, one of them is in his 80's and has been 'happily' married for 30+ years.

I would love to meet somebody I could trust implicitly but I've been burned too many times to ever be that naive again.

Not discredited at all. I know there are faults on both sides of the fence.

I did once, via OLD, get chatting with a lady via phone, text & online.

Chatted for a few weeks (long distance, but she was moving to my area with her young daughter) before arranging a date but she stood me up...

Later found out she was busy planning her wedding and wasn't actually moving!

I guess the wedding didn't work out though as 2-3 years later she got back in touch to try and rekindle. (I didn't reply!)

Manda2725 · 07/02/2021 23:11

I know women cheat too 🙄....not debating that. My post was about men, as I've been cheated on by men.

OP posts:
alpenguin · 07/02/2021 23:12

I never thought my then partner would or could. He was so shy when we met and just incapable of chatting anyone up while single so I thought I was safe in a couple. I was wrong. I still have no firm proof but circumstantially there is far too much pointing in that direction to conclude anything else. It started with mentionitis and then lifts home after work he never told me about, passwords being changed and his hysterical sobbing one night during a weekend away he blamed on anxiety but that’s when I knew he’d been cheating and it had ended and he expected me to console him? Fuck that . I still feel sick when I think of it all now. Never trust the quiet ones. Everyone is capable.

Manda2725 · 07/02/2021 23:14

@wewillmeetagain
It's hard to avoid that paranoia once you've had it numerous times. I feel the same at the minute. x

OP posts:
talesofnottinghill · 07/02/2021 23:16

To Manda2725, if you're being sincere, I'm glad my post has had a positive impact. To yearinyearout, you may have a point, but there are people who don't and wouldn't, it's much more interesting to hear about the ones that do maybe, not boring stories like mine maybe.

I remember a dream I had as a child where I was surrounded by people, each face flickering, lit from within by a candle flame. It was strange, but I reflected on it in my juvenile way and came to the conclusion that it was somehow symbolic of human frailty. We are all easily damaged by thoughts, deeds and actions, and that these are profound and irreversible once we are damaged, in any way, however small. I started to look at those around me like the figures in my dream, whatever their personality, however they treated others, whatever 'mask' they presented to the world. Though I was always kind to others, at least i think I was, I always endeavoured to see how vulnerable we all are, those around me, all with these easily guttered or extinguishable flames inside.
It was just a dream, I've never talked to anyone about this before, but it's guided me ever since. I'd hate to damage someone, though I know this sounds so weak to some. I'm not gullible or without cynicism, I've just never forgotten this silly dream. Crazy, embarrassing even I know!

TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 07/02/2021 23:18

[quote Manda2725]@TossaCoinToYerWitcher
What's a Chad and what's a red pill site??[/quote]
I wish I didn't know! Grin

The "Red Pill" is a godawful "mens rights" (I use the speech marks deliberately as, whilst I feel there is something meaningful in considering men's rights in terms of things like paternity leave, this is far more mysogynistic) movement. Central to their thinking is the idea that women are all biologically wired to, ideally, want a "chad" - i.e. a 6ft plus, athletic adonis, with a square jaw. Failing that, they'll go for men with higher "social value" - i.e. lots of money - as that will compensate. Anyone lacking these attributes will always be in danger of being dumped by their partner, should an opportunity to get one or the other come their way.

In other words, its just as much of a brush tarring an entire gender as "all men are cheats".

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