Phrases that make you swipe left

[JimmyJabs]

I'm a glutton for punishment, so I've recently gone back on OLD, and I'm finding it something of a trial so far. All the things that used to annoy me about people's profiles are still exactly the same as when I was last doing this! These are my instant nope phrases:

My kids are my life (so where would a potential girlfriend fit in? Also, that's just basic parenting...)

I don't take myself/life too seriously (almost guaranteed to be immature and flaky, and leave all the boring life admin to some other sucker)

Not looking for a penpal (will exchange a maximum of 5 messages with you before suggesting that you meet up for 'fun 😉')

Is anyone genuine on here? (Dude, maybe don't advertise the fact that nobody ever replies to you)

I'm 6ft, because apparently that matters (while being short is not unattractive to me, passive aggression certainly is)

What are your instantly offputting phrases? I'd be intrigued to know what men have to say about this too, in case I'm being inadvertently annoying myself...

A nice bottle of wine on the sofa- How I read this is: I'm lazy and my favourite colour is beige. I sit at home every night, watching TV and drinking wine. I have no sense of adventure and if you pick me, we'll never go on a date.

Ha! The OLD profile in pp didn't state this, but he no sense of adventure. He also fits all the other things you've said here.

Not looking for a pen pal - I'm sat here with my cock in my hand.

ALL WOMEN ARE FUCKING NUTS, PROVE ME WRONG! MY EX WAS A FUCKING PSYCHO. NO TIME WASTERS! I'M A GENUINE GUY AND LOOKING FOR MY PRINCESS - I'm barking.

‘I can cook/use washing machine/housetrained’ reminds me of a man I went on a date with who showed off about having Amazon prime-an indication they live with parents.
‘I hate fake boobs/faces/lips’
‘Just want to find a normal woman who is not mental, like all my ex’s’
‘My kids are my world’
‘I am the Chandler bing in my group of friends’
‘I hate woman-a rant’
‘List of things I require, along with a list of things I hate’
‘Good vibes only’
‘Will anyone ever reply to me’

"Hows you?" As an opening message. Hate it. Also photos of their children in their profile. Another VERY annoying opening line is "Does she dare?"

@poppyzbrite4

Not looking for a pen pal - I'm sat here with my cock in my hand.

ALL WOMEN ARE FUCKING NUTS, PROVE ME WRONG! MY EX WAS A FUCKING PSYCHO. NO TIME WASTERS! I'M A GENUINE GUY AND LOOKING FOR MY PRINCESS - I'm barking.

🤣🤣yes!!!

Loves banter - I'm a knob who is unable to make conversation of any substance.

Txt spk

"Old fashioned" or "old fashioned gent" = raving misogynist gammon who will make sexist jokes and expect you to laugh at them.

"Sapiosexual" = weirdo, thinks he's above it all, definitely pretentious, probably the kind of c*nt who "likes to play devil's advocate" and thinks he's a big brain because he's watched a documentary

"Sensual" = wants to give you a creepy massage on date one

'Anything you want to know just ask'

@shouldreallynamechangemore

"Kids are my world" (they are supposed to be!) "Like going out and staying in" "Any kind of negative rant about women or Tinder" "Don't take myself seriously" - yes!! what does that even mean? I read that to mean they are irresponsible and don't take responsibility for their actions Anything including the word "bantz" Listing tatoos as a hobby "Want to know anything just ask" - why should I?!!

Oh yes, how could I forget "want to know anything, just ask"? These days, the lazy fuckers can't even be bothered to write that. I've seen profiles that consist only of the word "Ask". If it's too much effort to make themselves sound attractive in a profile, you know there's no chance they'll turn up for a date looking halfway presentable.

Polymarous: can't get a girlfriend so hedging my bets

My friend let me see and rewrite his profile. Thank fuck he did. He had 'not looking to just chat' and 'anything you want to know just ask'. What a div. for him it came from a position of low self esteem (didn't know how to sell himself and didn't think he had any good qualities to advertise) and wanting women to know he was serious. I explained that it made him appear to be a lazy desperate boring weirdo and wrote him a proper bio which led to a 200% increase in matches :)

@WitchWife I always think of Brian from Hull whenever I see reference to massages. It just means he wants to finger-bang you with ylang ylang oil all over his grubby digits.

References to their kids with heart-eyes 😍😍😍
Almost certainly has not seen said children in months.

"I'm an old fashioned gent who knows how to treat a woman right"

Invariably means: and you'll like it. Or else. Bitch. 🤬

I'm old fashioned - I'm looking for a housekeeper. Must give head. I'll pay but there's no such thing as a free lunch. Fuglies need not apply.

@CodenameVillanelle

My friend let me see and rewrite his profile. Thank fuck he did. He had 'not looking to just chat' and 'anything you want to know just ask'. What a div. for him it came from a position of low self esteem (didn't know how to sell himself and didn't think he had any good qualities to advertise) and wanting women to know he was serious. I explained that it made him appear to be a lazy desperate boring weirdo and wrote him a proper bio which led to a 200% increase in matches :)

One of my friends asked me to proofread his profile - can't give details as it's outing but honestly it was the biggest most misogynistic sounding pile of crap ever. Actually he's just socially awkward and didn't realise he didn't need to specify things like a weight range (a very wide range but still WTF). Proud to say after my work he met his now partner within a week.

My cousin once listed his interests as "running and walking", I did ask him if he was going to add crawling as well. Maybe rolling.

That Marilyn Monroe quote or any variation of it

I was on a site for university educated people once (a friend of mine met her husband on there and I thought it was worth a try. Hint: it wasn't) and some guy had written "Looking for a foxy lady to go to ground with" 🤮🤮🤮
He also messaged me to say that he "rather missed love-making".

"If you don’t look like your profile pic you need to pay for the drinks until you do" - Fuck off that was vaguely funny when first read 97 fucking years ago

"Message me, I don't bite. Unless you ask me to" - Double fuck off to Fucksville land.

"I have my own hair and teeth" - omg you're a fucking riot you are!

"If UR not genuine, swipe left"- damn it you've seen right through me, I'm as ungenuine as you can get. I was hoping to scam you out of thousands of pounds, but now I have to swipe left!

I can not stand the describing themselves as a car advert! IT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!!

So so so many more!

OMG how had I forgotten those seeking their "partner in crime".

I am assuming these people are the most boring feckers alive, and their idea of "crime" is having a second fig roll or forgetting to iron their pants.

Howling at these! 🤣🤣 Puts me off ever doing OLD again.

@CoronaIsWatching Oh God, that quote! One of the most cringeworthy moments of my life was going home with a guy I'd met via OLD and seeing a MASSIVE framed Marilyn print above the headboard of his bed with that bloody quote on it.

I left shortly afterwards.

The ones that say things like 'if you pout, have fillers or post selfies, feel free to swipe left'

Why? You're not going to match unless you like them too, so why both being so aggressive with what you deem unworthy?

What is this Marilyn quote? I don't think I've come across that one.