My boyfriend quits everything he starts and it worries me

[MIAAN]

I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 24 and since we've been together his finances haven't been very good as he went in debt in his previous relationship. When we were first together I was always paying for everything since I was the one with consistent working hours (he has a zero hour contract). A couple months into our relationship he secured an apprenticeship (paying minimum wage, not apprentice wage) which was 30 hours a week and he was going to quit his other job, he took it but then told the manager he no longer wanted it because he said he needs time to take care of his mom (he is one of seven kids who are all adults). A couple months later he secured a second job working nights stocking shelves and it was 5 days a week. He would only get one shift at his other job as it's zero hours but they'd usually cancel so I thought that this new job was great. On his second shift, he quit. He said he didn't have the right frame of mind to work two jobs. We broke up for about 4 months due to some serious things happening but have been back together for a while now. His money was a lot better but only because of furlough. He keeps putting money in his savings and then spends it, it worries me because he says he wants a future with me but I feel that because of his spending habits and quitting things, that all of the responsibility would fall on me. He recently brought a ps5 and a whole pc system which comes to atleast £600+ for both and most of that came out of his savings and borrowing money from his mom. Also, he recently started a level 4 course at university, it's only been a few weeks in and he said he might quit. He doesn't have any GCSE's or Alevels so he has nothing to really put on his CV and this makes me worried, I am currently in uni and have my GCSE's and a level 2 and 3 qualification and I know what I want to do in life. He says he wants to do certain things but then changes his mind and I find it stressful. I love him a lot but the thought of being financially insecure frightens me. Part of me thinks I should break up with him but then the other part of me thinks I should wait and see it things improve.

Sorry it's so long haha x

Then I'd suggest your talk to your counsellor about the feelings of guilt. Why do we feel guilty? Broadly speaking, because we've done something we feel we shouldn't or we've not done something we think we should. What's the root of your feelings of guilt in this case? Feeling you should put your boyfriend's emotional needs above your own? As previous PPs have said, you owe him common decency, but nothing more.

Guilt was invented (or at least hugely encouraged) by men to keep women and girls running around after them. It's not your burden. You can just put it down. Try it, it's life changing.

Guilt is no basis for a relationship.

You're both young, you have no ties to bind you, you owe him nothing, least of all yourself.

Break-ups are part of life. He'll get over it, he'll move on. You've only been together a year.

@category12

Guilt is no basis for a relationship.

You're both young, you have no ties to bind you, you owe him nothing, least of all yourself.

Break-ups are part of life. He'll get over it, he'll move on. You've only been together a year.

Exactly, it all sounds like very hard work. Even the notion of him emotionally supporting you - with what? It should really be light and relatively fun, you are in the perfect sweet spot of life, mature and sorted enough to live life on your own terms and not yet subject to too many responsibilities or expectations. Why on earth you would saddle yourself with being some blokes support human is beyond me.

It does make me want to push to leave but at the same time I feel so guilty. He has been great at emotionally supporting me and we have a lot of things in common, it's just when it comes down to finance and life goals that is where things are a bit different.

I posted earlier OP. I spent eight years with my more-or-less identical sounding husband before I got out. Why? Because he didn't seem a lazy entitled feckless waster ALL the time. When he'd cooked a meal and welcomed me home after work and made me laugh with his clever humour I genuinely believed the relationship was equal and we were both wanting the same things.

When I was regularly getting up at 6am for work, doing the morning shift and returning home to find he was still in bed and hadn't been diligently searching for work as he'd promised my heart broke a little bitl. It broke a bit more when he'd walked out on yet another job because they "didn't understand him" (sensitive little flower that he was). Which also knackered his chance of at the very least a decent reference for his next attempt at employment.

At the moment you want to believe that it'll all come right and he'll start investing in the relationship as much as you do and that's understandable. I wanted to believe in mine. Eventually I couldn't convince myself that he'd change any more.

TLDR - they're never bad or unpleasant or useless all the time. Wishing they'd change doesn't work.

@OccultGnuAsWell

It does make me want to push to leave but at the same time I feel so guilty. He has been great at emotionally supporting me and we have a lot of things in common, it's just when it comes down to finance and life goals that is where things are a bit different.

I posted earlier OP. I spent eight years with my more-or-less identical sounding husband before I got out. Why? Because he didn't seem a lazy entitled feckless waster ALL the time. When he'd cooked a meal and welcomed me home after work and made me laugh with his clever humour I genuinely believed the relationship was equal and we were both wanting the same things.

When I was regularly getting up at 6am for work, doing the morning shift and returning home to find he was still in bed and hadn't been diligently searching for work as he'd promised my heart broke a little bitl. It broke a bit more when he'd walked out on yet another job because they "didn't understand him" (sensitive little flower that he was). Which also knackered his chance of at the very least a decent reference for his next attempt at employment.

At the moment you want to believe that it'll all come right and he'll start investing in the relationship as much as you do and that's understandable. I wanted to believe in mine. Eventually I couldn't convince myself that he'd change any more.

TLDR - they're never bad or unpleasant or useless all the time. Wishing they'd change doesn't work.

It's so hard because I feel like I'm waiting for the change to happen since things are still early on but then I also think it won't come

If a partner has to radically change who they are to be right for you, then you're being unfair to both yourself and them.

You need to be able to live with and love the person as he is, not as who he could be.

It's so hard because I feel like I'm waiting for the change to happen since things are still early on but then I also think it won't come

If he wanted to change he would do so. At the moment you're probably coming up with good and valid reasons as to why he hasn't started those changes yet but you're hoping any minute now he just might.

He won't.

I bet my life he isn't putting as much thought into this relationship as you are. In time I hope you see it's wasted effort.

@category12

If a partner has to radically change who they are to be right for you, then you're being unfair to both yourself and them.

This is SO true. Please listen, OP.

When you say you think the change won't come, it's because you know deep down that it won't. He is who he is. He's showing you who he is, but you're not listening.

I am a recovering people pleaser. I spent 5yrs of my 20's with someone who was quite happy to do whatever they wanted, when they wanted and at my expense. The resentment that builds from that is just so toxic and kills any good feelings for the person, stone dead. I did not like who I was afterwards and had to work hard to build myself back up.

I then dated someone for a few months that sounds similar to yours. Mid 20's, still living at home with very dysfunctional family, very "sensitive", working a very part time job to "make space for their music" with no actual future plans that were rooted in reality. I felt like their Mum - dragging them along in my wake, paying for any dates and letting them hang around my flat. It got old HELLA fast. The petted lip and the stomping when I ended it was all the convincing I needed. I had to block when the long-winded, whiney messages started. Well shot.

So glad to be with my DFi now... In charge of their own shit, good moral compass, good job, on the same wavelength with work ethic, view on money, future plans, etc. All evidence-based, and none of that shite future-faking.

TL;DR - work on your boundaries and make space in your life for someone who will treat you properly and be deserving of your time.

This sounds similar... he has a VERY dysfunctional family and the reason for him buying his PC was for gaming and livestreaming, he spends more time on there than doing his uni work. He complains that he's struggling with uni but avoiding it by playing games won't help. I know what I need to do but as I mentioned previously, I have a lot of guilt. I feel guilty for even contemplating a break up

@OccultGnuAsWell

It's so hard because I feel like I'm waiting for the change to happen since things are still early on but then I also think it won't come

If he wanted to change he would do so. At the moment you're probably coming up with good and valid reasons as to why he hasn't started those changes yet but you're hoping any minute now he just might.

He won't.

I bet my life he isn't putting as much thought into this relationship as you are. In time I hope you see it's wasted effort.

I did say he has been great for emotional support but then someone who commented on this post made me realise that, that is the bare minimum. To add insult to injury, there's this girl at his work place who has a thing for him, I've met her in person and she isn't very nice from what I've seen, I've asked for him to not mention her and yesterday, he mentioned her. I got annoyed about it and he responded "it's not my fault you're mad" that really rubbed me up the wrong way honestly

Stop wasting your time.

@MIAAN

This sounds similar... he has a VERY dysfunctional family and the reason for him buying his PC was for gaming and livestreaming, he spends more time on there than doing his uni work. He complains that he's struggling with uni but avoiding it by playing games won't help. I know what I need to do but as I mentioned previously, I have a lot of guilt. I feel guilty for even contemplating a break up

OP I want to reach in and shake you! Why in the name of God would you feel guilty for breaking up with ANYONE with whom you've been with only a year, to whom you have no ties and who quite frankly has given more than enough reasons to be broken up with. Bear in mind this is the honeymoon bit, as good as it gets, what will he be like years down the line? You're far too early in to this to even be worrying about sunken costs. I've had things in my fridge for longer than you've been with him. The world is full of men, some worse for sure but lots better too and more importantly, ones who would be a better fit for you. He will probably be a bit sad - to be a honest I think it's a little arrogant to assume that his reaction will be much worse than that- and so will you and then you'll move on, both of you.

He doesn't mind shopping etc for his family because in his eyes, he is the special son. His mummy will look after him.
Therefore he doesn't really need to be independent and have a job. He sees himself in the child role.
He will only ever view his own family as the only 'family' and find it very difficult to establish a life away from them.

@MIAAN Run and don't look back!

I dated two of this types of guy. I forever tried to help, from Cv's to finding them work. Guess what they never change.

First was my exh h 17-23, then my exdp 24-28.
They both pay the minimum support, but can blow money on coke or pussy.

My dad is a black man, was back ana forth from care to living with his dad.
He worked worked worked and made £200k last year. He's been like that since a teen. He had me when he was 19 and push himself more. Him and my mother aren't together but he still supported me.

So the excuse of family life is crap, my son is 16 but has been making money from 8 at car boot sales with me. Started selling online at 12.
This is me bragging at all, it me telling you that you need to
IGNORE HIS WORDS and Watch HIS actions and pattern.

Life is hard but excuses is just a go to for some. Both men ex's were family in a 2.4 family had all the best chances and still don't do anything.

Please please don't waste time because it will affect you x

[quote Redflaggs]@MIAAN Run and don't look back!

I dated two of this types of guy. I forever tried to help, from Cv's to finding them work. Guess what they never change.

First was my exh h 17-23, then my exdp 24-28.
They both pay the minimum support, but can blow money on coke or pussy.

My dad is a black man, was back ana forth from care to living with his dad.
He worked worked worked and made £200k last year. He's been like that since a teen. He had me when he was 19 and push himself more. Him and my mother aren't together but he still supported me.

So the excuse of family life is crap, my son is 16 but has been making money from 8 at car boot sales with me. Started selling online at 12.
This is me bragging at all, it me telling you that you need to
IGNORE HIS WORDS and Watch HIS actions and pattern.

Life is hard but excuses is just a go to for some. Both men ex's were family in a 2.4 family had all the best chances and still don't do anything.

Please please don't waste time because it will affect you x[/quote]
I've spoken to him and I've made it very clear that this is is last chance, he's been manipulative/gaslighting towards me aswell and my patience is hanging on by a thread, I don't feel so scared of upsetting him or hurting his feelings with a breakup anymore

OK. So type it in here, in capitals.

WHEN does he have to make that radical change by

HOW is he going to show you that he has made radical changes to.himself, his attitude, bank balance etc

WHAT will it take for you to put yourself, the next 60 + years if YOUR life first?

Come on. You should be able to do all that. He should have given you all of those answers... or was your proper chat just you talking at him and him nodding, waiting for the moment he could get back to his game?

COME ON OP be nicer to yourself. We are all here cheering you on, most of us having made similar mistakes at your age 💜

Ok @MIAAN time for a little shake up.

List now.

• what does he bring into your life now
• his faults
• how do you see your life with him 10+ years down the line if you were to have children or be financially tied - really - not in an "ideal case scenario" type way but realistically seeing the person he is now and knowing that there's a 99% chance he won't change.

I don't understand what's making you feel so obligated to stay in a relationship that's barely a year long with no ties to a flaky, financially irresponsible man.

Another chance. May as well have said nothing. Really sad your bar is so low you think you have to even speak to such a loser.

@rawalpindithelabrador

Another chance. May as well have said nothing. Really sad your bar is so low you think you have to even speak to such a loser.

It's her choice!!

It's her choice!!

No one is saying it isn't.

It's a well-worn path, the cycle of giving a loser like this chances, they change a while, then go back to who they are. Hopefully she won't get saddled with a kid by a guy like this.

I think this young man is set to be one of life's losers. He'll probably be living with his mum on benefits/minimum wage when he's 40.
You can do better!
You might even be doing him a favour if you make him realise that he needs to pull himself together to keep any woman worth having.

I've spoken to him and I've made it very clear that this is is last chance, he's been manipulative/gaslighting towards me aswell and my patience is hanging on by a thread, I don't feel so scared of upsetting him or hurting his feelings with a breakup anymore

You still are scared though, aren't you? Because you have put all the responsibility on him - he has to change blah blah (he won't BTW. He will be lovely for a week and then it will be the same). You still imagine that if he only realised how unreasonable he is and how he is upsetting you, then he would stop.

You have seen what he is truly like, but you still believe in this version of him as a decent man who wouldn't do all this to you if he ONLY KNEW how much it upset you. That is you putting him first because you are scared and uncomfortable and unused to putting you first. That fear and discomfort of yours will keep you trapped.

If you were confident you would simply tell him that the relationship isn't working for you any more and that you are leaving him.

You will get there, OP. Just whatever you do, do not have a child with a man who cannot ever be the father that your precious children will deserve.

@rawalpindithelabrador

It's her choice!!

No one is saying it isn't.

It's a well-worn path, the cycle of giving a loser like this chances, they change a while, then go back to who they are. Hopefully she won't get saddled with a kid by a guy like this.

Yes, but saying well there was no point in saying anything etc.

She has made her decision. We are only here to advise not get arsey when she doesn't do as we think. This is not our life.

Don’t even give him a last chance. Just end it and see if he has the sagacity to improve on his own in 6 months and if he can become a better person/partner. He has to motivate himself and stand on his own two feet. You don’t have to stay for the journey when his behaviour impacts your well-being too.