Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend quits everything he starts and it worries me

201 replies

MIAAN · 06/02/2021 18:58

I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 24 and since we've been together his finances haven't been very good as he went in debt in his previous relationship. When we were first together I was always paying for everything since I was the one with consistent working hours (he has a zero hour contract). A couple months into our relationship he secured an apprenticeship (paying minimum wage, not apprentice wage) which was 30 hours a week and he was going to quit his other job, he took it but then told the manager he no longer wanted it because he said he needs time to take care of his mom (he is one of seven kids who are all adults). A couple months later he secured a second job working nights stocking shelves and it was 5 days a week. He would only get one shift at his other job as it's zero hours but they'd usually cancel so I thought that this new job was great. On his second shift, he quit. He said he didn't have the right frame of mind to work two jobs. We broke up for about 4 months due to some serious things happening but have been back together for a while now. His money was a lot better but only because of furlough. He keeps putting money in his savings and then spends it, it worries me because he says he wants a future with me but I feel that because of his spending habits and quitting things, that all of the responsibility would fall on me. He recently brought a ps5 and a whole pc system which comes to atleast £600+ for both and most of that came out of his savings and borrowing money from his mom. Also, he recently started a level 4 course at university, it's only been a few weeks in and he said he might quit. He doesn't have any GCSE's or Alevels so he has nothing to really put on his CV and this makes me worried, I am currently in uni and have my GCSE's and a level 2 and 3 qualification and I know what I want to do in life. He says he wants to do certain things but then changes his mind and I find it stressful. I love him a lot but the thought of being financially insecure frightens me. Part of me thinks I should break up with him but then the other part of me thinks I should wait and see it things improve.

Sorry it's so long haha x

OP posts:
Porridgeoat · 06/02/2021 21:55

Also have an have an honest conversation. Tell him to pull his finger out and sort the debt and career. Explain that presently his risky behaviour means the relationship has no future.

MumbleBee20 · 06/02/2021 21:57

I know its annoying when people jump straight to armchair diagnosing, but... it does sound like adhd. Before I was diagnosed and medicated, I had the attention span of a shoelace!

I would start a new job, full of ambition. By the time I'd completed training, or sometimes within the month, I would leave. I would claim it was childcare or some other family issue, but I was just bored.
I was reckless with money, despite having hardly any. Would spend all day thinking about what I needed to do, but would never actually be able to start or finish anything. I could spend all day every day for weeks, learning new things and skills, but not actually use the knowledge for anything useful. I just wanted to jump to the next thing that took my interest.
I'm not saying that's the problem here, but it's worth looking into. I suffered well into adulthood and wasn't diagnosed until 31. The years I've wasted, and felt like a failure could have been so different.

Bananalanacake · 06/02/2021 22:06

You can still enjoy a relationship with him. But make it clear you will not be living together and therefore not having joint finances.

Nouveau2021 · 06/02/2021 22:09

People do change. I was like this right up until I was about 28. I would start things and never follow through. I would always get jobs but not stick them out. I spent every penny that I had and never had any savings. I was eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Once I was diagnosed (and understood the condition) and was medicated, I have managed much better. I’m not saying that that’s what’s wrong but I’m just giving a different perspective. Not everyone matures at the same rate or is able to function the same as everyone else, I know I definitely didn’t.

I don’t think this behaviour at 24 is indicative of the person he will be when he’s 30. But you don’t seem to be compatible at this very moment in time so it would probably be better to split up.

RantyAnty · 06/02/2021 22:13

There are millions of men out there. Probably 1000s that would be perfect for you.

This one isn't one of them.

He's a plonker. That old pos car that you keep putting money into to keep it running... more than what it's worth. No matter how much you put into it, it'll never be a high value model.

You can't fix a man and you shouldn't ever have to. He is what you see right now and will never be any different.

You like him and keep investing in this plonker as he's your first boyfriend.
You're young and are at your prime. Date a lot of different men until you find one you like who is also high value. You really don't have to settle for a plonker.

Read the handbook here.
reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy

Zanina · 06/02/2021 23:42

One day he will drain your savings and take you down with him. Please run! Real men don't piss about with money. Imagine having kids, what will he teach them about money? It's not about him not having a lot of money that's making you resentful, it's deep down you know he is a liability

Whatsnewpussyhat · 06/02/2021 23:54

I'd leave him personally. Otherwise you'll end up starting another thread when you're 30 with 2 kids, working your arse off but with no money and a shit partner who still can't keep a job.

Original poster
MIAAN · 07/02/2021 00:22

@Porridgeoat I did speak to him earlier and I expressed my concerns, if he quits uni then I think I will have to leave because I don't want to worry about what our future could turn out to be

OP posts:
seensome · 07/02/2021 03:05

He is irresponsible and immature, I guess he's never had to fend for himself. Don't live with him, you'll end up paying far more than your fair share and get yourself into financial trouble.
Make it a habit now to resist spending more on him than he does on you.

SelkieQualia · 07/02/2021 03:21

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET PREGNANT.

SelkieQualia · 07/02/2021 03:27

It's ok to have a fling with an irresponsible person in your 20's, but he does not sound like someone to build a home with.

Raindough · 07/02/2021 03:32

Lack of ambition is really unattractive.

How long have you been together? I’m the same as you and probably wouldn’t have stayed as long as you did. I would have been put off when he quit the first time.

Raindough · 07/02/2021 03:32

Same age*

Raindough · 07/02/2021 03:34

He’s £8k in debt at 24?? Run girl

Toilenstripes · 07/02/2021 03:39

@Amotherlife

Sounds like ADHD
That’s what I was thinking. A lot of this rings true for me. It’s worth exploring possibilities other than he’s just an irresponsible loser. 😕
lurker2003 · 07/02/2021 04:49

My ex was like this and kept promising to change, he never did. He had a couple of thousand in debt which he had stopped making payments for because he “couldn’t afford to”. He’d borrowed almost £800 from me, had a phone contact under my name due to his poor credit score. Instead of paying back any money he owed me he’d buy a ps4, an xbox, an ipad, a laptop, an alexa.... anything he wanted. When I finally left he still owed me over £200, I had to pay off the rest of his phone contract (£650), and I also lost the deposit I paid for our flat because he was the lead tenant.
I promise you, he will not change. Leave whilst your loses are at a minimum.

Polestar50 · 07/02/2021 05:18

We broke up for about 4 months due to some serious things happening

I'm surprised no one has picked up on this sentence. Sounds like a potentially massive red flag. What things happened? Have they/how have they been resolved?

AgentJohnson · 07/02/2021 07:19

Don’t enable behaviour you don’t like. He can only make the choices he’s making because you are making it financially possible.

Everyone has a role to play in relationship dynamics, your appears to be parent.

tenlittlecygnets · 07/02/2021 08:43

You're quite right to feel worried. He may change, but there is no guarantee that he will.

Imagine being married to him and having a baby, and still being in the same position! You would be responsible for everything - making the money, looking after the baby...

He sounds very immature (prioritising gaming over saving). And he lacks ambition - no GCSEs?? How did he manage that??

You sound mature and sensible. I'd dump him and find someone you're more compatible with.

secretskillrelationships · 07/02/2021 08:55

Regardless of what he does or doesn't do, what comes out of your posts is that you feel anxious and stressed. In a good relationship you should feel happy and secure as a minimum, that you're working together towards a jointly held future. You don't feel like that so this isn't a good enough relationship for you, regardless of how lovely he is etc etc.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2021 08:58

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

You are 22 with your life ahead of you, don’t waste time on him. You now appear to be in a parent/child relationship here with you being in the parent role. He's also been borrowing money from his mother (who is another enabler alongside you).

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs; this man is a sunk cost. Do not allow the sunken costs fallacy here to enable you to keep on making poor relationship decisions. This man is not your project and the only one who can rescue and or save him is him. He is infact already dragging you down with him and things will not improve for you as long as you are with him.

samandpoppysmummy · 07/02/2021 09:06

He should get tested for ADHD. It jumped out at me from the behaviour you described in your post. If he is diagnosed, medication could be life-changing for him and he's still young enough for it to make a significant difference to his prospects.

sammylady37 · 07/02/2021 09:09

Hold on- 8k debt at 24 and he’s using his savings and borrowing from his mother to buy a bloody PlayStation???

He’s got his priorities straight hasn’t he Hmm

user1471538283 · 07/02/2021 09:11

If you were my daughter I would encourage you to move on. All you want is some financial stability and someone to pay half on dates. He is neither. He may be later on but I doubt it.

If he continues like this you are in for a lifetime of stress and hurt as you try to keep you both.

Original poster
MIAAN · 07/02/2021 10:06

@sammylady37 in the last 3 months he's got a playstation and a pc just costing under a grand, that could have been money put in his savings or towards debts. He gave me his account details and bank card (I find it a bit stressful to have this) in an attempt to stop him from spending it but then asks me to transfer him money anyway, I can't really say no as it's his money and we don't live together so no joint finances. Since the first lockdown I've managed to save just under £2k and he has about £30 in his savings. Then when I say anything to him about his savings he says "I don't believe in him" or that he will "put money away soon". We've discussed our future and he keeps saying "the mortgage will need to be in your name because I have bad credit" and that drives me nuts

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread