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Original poster

My boyfriend quits everything he starts and it worries me

201 replies

MIAAN · 06/02/2021 18:58

I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 24 and since we've been together his finances haven't been very good as he went in debt in his previous relationship. When we were first together I was always paying for everything since I was the one with consistent working hours (he has a zero hour contract). A couple months into our relationship he secured an apprenticeship (paying minimum wage, not apprentice wage) which was 30 hours a week and he was going to quit his other job, he took it but then told the manager he no longer wanted it because he said he needs time to take care of his mom (he is one of seven kids who are all adults). A couple months later he secured a second job working nights stocking shelves and it was 5 days a week. He would only get one shift at his other job as it's zero hours but they'd usually cancel so I thought that this new job was great. On his second shift, he quit. He said he didn't have the right frame of mind to work two jobs. We broke up for about 4 months due to some serious things happening but have been back together for a while now. His money was a lot better but only because of furlough. He keeps putting money in his savings and then spends it, it worries me because he says he wants a future with me but I feel that because of his spending habits and quitting things, that all of the responsibility would fall on me. He recently brought a ps5 and a whole pc system which comes to atleast £600+ for both and most of that came out of his savings and borrowing money from his mom. Also, he recently started a level 4 course at university, it's only been a few weeks in and he said he might quit. He doesn't have any GCSE's or Alevels so he has nothing to really put on his CV and this makes me worried, I am currently in uni and have my GCSE's and a level 2 and 3 qualification and I know what I want to do in life. He says he wants to do certain things but then changes his mind and I find it stressful. I love him a lot but the thought of being financially insecure frightens me. Part of me thinks I should break up with him but then the other part of me thinks I should wait and see it things improve.

Sorry it's so long haha x

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2021 11:14

This man basically wants you to be his support human; no wonder he has mentioned a future and marriage. He would feel he is set up for life if he marries you but he has no real regard for you either let alone his mother (who has also enabled him). Enabling him does not help him or the enabler for that matter; it just gives the enabler a false sense of control.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2021 11:16

"Check out the competition, guys with actual drive and solid work ethics, guys who have finished uni and have started careers, guys who have travelled and done things in their early 20s. Why settle for the one who will probably knock you up alright, but expect you to mummy him throughout life?"

Category12's comment here is bang on as well.

What male role models have you seen to date; why is your relationship bar this low here?. My guess is that male feckless role models are the only ones you've really seen.

C152 · 07/02/2021 11:21

OP, you're too young for this shit. You're too young to be taking on the burden of an irresponsible man-child. If you want to date this guy and have fun with him, that's one thing, but planning for a future is pointless. I am sorry to sound harsh, but who cares whether he's got ADHD or some other issue? The point it, he's not taking responsibility for sorting himself out. It's not your job to fix him. Find someone who is more compatible.

Whatdoyoudowhendemocracyfails · 07/02/2021 11:22

@category12

There are tons of blokes out there.

Don't settle for the first one that says they'll marry and have kids with you, especially when he's busily showing you his feckless, loser qualities.

Check out the competition, guys with actual drive and solid work ethics, guys who have finished uni and have started careers, guys who have travelled and done things in their early 20s. Why settle for the one who will probably knock you up alright, but expect you to mummy him throughout life?

This.
TowandaForever · 07/02/2021 11:24

-Been together a year

-Feel you need couples counselling

-Had a big 3 month issue ( no elaboration?!)

you've answered your own question!

Original poster
MIAAN · 07/02/2021 11:28

@TowandaForever

-Been together a year

-Feel you need couples counselling

-Had a big 3 month issue ( no elaboration?!)

you've answered your own question!

Oh no I didn't mean couples councelling, I meant therapy for himself as he has some unresolved trauma, regarding the other issue, I don't want to put it on the thread but rather discuss it through PM
OP posts:
Original poster
MIAAN · 07/02/2021 11:29

@AttilaTheMeerkat

"Check out the competition, guys with actual drive and solid work ethics, guys who have finished uni and have started careers, guys who have travelled and done things in their early 20s. Why settle for the one who will probably knock you up alright, but expect you to mummy him throughout life?"

Category12's comment here is bang on as well.

What male role models have you seen to date; why is your relationship bar this low here?. My guess is that male feckless role models are the only ones you've really seen.

I've never had any good role models in my life so this could be a factor
OP posts:
Original poster
MIAAN · 07/02/2021 11:30

@C152

OP, you're too young for this shit. You're too young to be taking on the burden of an irresponsible man-child. If you want to date this guy and have fun with him, that's one thing, but planning for a future is pointless. I am sorry to sound harsh, but who cares whether he's got ADHD or some other issue? The point it, he's not taking responsibility for sorting himself out. It's not your job to fix him. Find someone who is more compatible.
You are right!
OP posts:
uggmum · 07/02/2021 11:30

It's your first relationship. There doesn't seem to be much joy in it.
It shouldn't be so hard.

He will not change. He expects you to pay for things and he spends his money on non essentials. He can't hold down a job and has no drive to do so.

If you are happy to sign up for a life like this. Living with a man-child then that's your choice.

But there's more to life than this. If you want an equal relationship (including being financially equal) end it now and get on with your life.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2021 11:31

It is a factor believe you me. This is why I asked what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

Redburnett · 07/02/2021 11:36

It sounds as though you are wasting far too much energy trying to get this man to change. Time to move on, leave him behind.

BananaCustard85 · 07/02/2021 11:45

I'd disagree with some of the posters that people don't change - I'm thinking of my brother here, who was a financial mess at 23 (and spending most of his spare cash on weed), but in a good stable job at 30. For him, the thing that made the difference was being asked to volunteer on a local community project. I think sometimes people just need to find what it is that motivates them.

Your boyfriend might eventually get his act together, but you need to decide whether you want to take the gamble of waiting around to see if he does. Did you say you've been together a year? It's not that long really. I would (gently) check he's serious about the things he says, and not just saying what he thinks you want to hear regarding your future together. If he's definitely serious, could you agree on a target, e.g saving a set amount by a specific date?

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 07/02/2021 11:45

I know a couple of guys like this in their 50s, both 'artists', got together with my friends, who both have jobs and own homes - cushy births for a couple of cocklodgers. Both men have taken over the best bedroom as their 'studio'.

Original poster
MIAAN · 07/02/2021 11:47

@AttilaTheMeerkat

It is a factor believe you me. This is why I asked what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.
What I can remember growing up is that my dad lost motivation to work so he stayed home and did nothing whilst my mom took any and every job (she worked in a chippy for a long time). Only the last 3 or so years has my dad began working again but we don't really have a relationship, idk much about him if I'm honest
OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 07/02/2021 11:54

He’s 24, not 18
He should have a steady job by now, it doesn’t have to be as part of an amazing career path or incredibly well paid or anything but it seems he has no work ethic at all.
It’s not about the money, he could be working hard in a low paid job and that would be one thing but he’s not even got a job at all by the sounds of it. It’s not unusual for one person to bear more of a financial burden. When me and DH met I earned a lot more than him but he was on a career path and it was fine for him to move into my house and pay minimal rent, now he out earns me by a huge amount but that’s not really the point. The point is he has always worked and worked hard, if he lost a job he would go all out to find another not decide he didn’t have the right “mindset “ and when we had some financial issues he took on a 2nd job. I respect his work ethic

Theowawaynow · 07/02/2021 12:00

Haven’t read the whole thread but end it. I got with ex DH at 18 and he was exactly the same, liked expensive things, never stuck to any work/uni/hobbies for long. But seemed great at the household stuff and I loved him.

Roll on 20+ years, getting divorced, 3 kids, he never changed, I paid for everything and even the household stuff died away. He rarely sees the kids, left us tens of thousands in debt I’ve had to pay off and is back living with his mum. Hasn’t paid a penny for the kids in 5 years, and before that when married really.

Don’t be me.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 07/02/2021 12:00

He's flaky and feckless.

Believe me - this type don't change. You will always be the one having to hold everything together.... finances, housework, childcare. He will always have a reason why it doesn't suit him to do the sensible thing, and before you know it you're supporting a 35 year old playing the PlayStation all day, while also doing all the parenting of your children.

When DH and I were his age we had a mortgage and full time jobs, and were working to build our careers. There are men out there who are grafters and who will work with you to build a solid future. Find yourself one of them.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/02/2021 12:02

All he has done, including very recently with the ps4 and holding his bank card, is show you that he is not a self supporting adult and that he wants you to take over his adulting!

Imagine yourself in 10 years time, house, job, kids... and a man who has not supported any of it, not even himself.

You'll be doing his thinking for him for the whole of your relationship.

As for possible ADHD etc. Living with a partner who accepts their diagnosis and all that comes with it is hard enough, the self acceptance is essential, or they just become selfish twats you can't abide! My cousin's wife must have the patience of a saint. He's lovely, but has all the usual character traits!

At your age you have a very real responsibility to yourself to make your own life the very best you can, not to walk into a situation with your eyes closed.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 07/02/2021 12:03

And the whole "not having the right mindset" thing is just ridiculous. He's a adult for Christ's sake!

I would rather not have to work, but I have bills to pay so I suck it up and get on with it. That's what grown ups do.

Original poster
MIAAN · 07/02/2021 12:19

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

And the whole "not having the right mindset" thing is just ridiculous. He's a adult for Christ's sake!

I would rather not have to work, but I have bills to pay so I suck it up and get on with it. That's what grown ups do.

I completely agree but he's a sensitive person so I could have never said that to him or I'm the bad guy
OP posts:
CakeRequired · 07/02/2021 12:19

Look let's just be blunt with you because you're not listening.

You're clearly going to stay with this man and ignore all of the advice given. He will NEVER work in a steady job. He WILL always spend his money on whatever he wants. It WON'T be on a house, on paying back his bills etc. He is and will always be, a quitter.

So this is your future ahead of you. You will support this man for the rest of your life. You will maybe get married, at your expense. You will buy a house, at your expense, if you can afford it on your own. You will have children at your expense. You will likely be the main carer for the children and main income for the family. All other jobs like cleaning, cooking, bills, presents etc will also fall on you. He won't be working, he'll barely do anything and you'll be depressed, miserable and feel alone, but desperately hoping he will change.

If you don't want that, leave him now. You've been warned. You're at the early stages, you can get out. Don't do what other people do and spend years with these lazy assholes.

Theowawaynow · 07/02/2021 12:21

So he’s emotionally manipulative too? Yep you are dating my ex from his youth. Please please walk.

Though I’m thinking you won’t...

Hoppinggreen · 07/02/2021 12:25

Oh he’s “sensitive” is he?
Do you want the same life your mum had?

Original poster
MIAAN · 07/02/2021 12:29

@Theowawaynow

So he’s emotionally manipulative too? Yep you are dating my ex from his youth. Please please walk.

Though I’m thinking you won’t...

I want to but I feel like I won't have a "valid enough reason" and have the blame shifted to me if you understand what I mean?
OP posts:
ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 07/02/2021 12:30

He's sensitive

Run like the wind.

This is nothing more than manipulation, a tool he uses to make it impossible for you to challenge his behaviour.