My boyfriend quits everything he starts and it worries me

[MIAAN]

I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 24 and since we've been together his finances haven't been very good as he went in debt in his previous relationship. When we were first together I was always paying for everything since I was the one with consistent working hours (he has a zero hour contract). A couple months into our relationship he secured an apprenticeship (paying minimum wage, not apprentice wage) which was 30 hours a week and he was going to quit his other job, he took it but then told the manager he no longer wanted it because he said he needs time to take care of his mom (he is one of seven kids who are all adults). A couple months later he secured a second job working nights stocking shelves and it was 5 days a week. He would only get one shift at his other job as it's zero hours but they'd usually cancel so I thought that this new job was great. On his second shift, he quit. He said he didn't have the right frame of mind to work two jobs. We broke up for about 4 months due to some serious things happening but have been back together for a while now. His money was a lot better but only because of furlough. He keeps putting money in his savings and then spends it, it worries me because he says he wants a future with me but I feel that because of his spending habits and quitting things, that all of the responsibility would fall on me. He recently brought a ps5 and a whole pc system which comes to atleast £600+ for both and most of that came out of his savings and borrowing money from his mom. Also, he recently started a level 4 course at university, it's only been a few weeks in and he said he might quit. He doesn't have any GCSE's or Alevels so he has nothing to really put on his CV and this makes me worried, I am currently in uni and have my GCSE's and a level 2 and 3 qualification and I know what I want to do in life. He says he wants to do certain things but then changes his mind and I find it stressful. I love him a lot but the thought of being financially insecure frightens me. Part of me thinks I should break up with him but then the other part of me thinks I should wait and see it things improve.

Sorry it's so long haha x

@Raindough we've been together for just over a year and I shouldn't be feeling this stressed

@billyt yeah I am thinking it over it's a tricky situation

@category12

You sound like quite different people.

Sometimes you're just not compatible long-term.

You could be right, I'm starting to think that

Like other posters the first thing that jumped out to me was that it sounds like your boyfriend has undiagnosed ADHD. He sounds a lot like my 21 year old son. The thread makes me feel a bit sad, I worry that my son will feel like a burden to any future partner, I don't blame them the chaos of his life has a huge impact on others, it's exasperating!

@junebirthdaygirl

He sounds very immature for his age. Often guys are slow to catch on but not even having a decent regular job is worrying. He may grow up but having no proper education will hinder his prospects. You are obviously quite steady so this will always be an issue

I know, that's why the thought of him quitting uni is also scary to me, because if he does then he will have zero education under his belt making employment even harder

I honestly think you will regret it later in life if you stay with him (happened to me.)

@wibblewombat

People don't change. Sounds like he might have some issues. Only he can fix them...

I forgot to mention that he was in an abusive relationship prior to ours and he keeps telling me he's moved on from it and everytime I say therapy he says he doesn't want to. I told him it's not whether he wants to, it's whether he needs to, so that's another thing I feel is affecting us

[quote MIAAN]@sammylady37 in the last 3 months he's got a playstation and a pc just costing under a grand, that could have been money put in his savings or towards debts. He gave me his account details and bank card (I find it a bit stressful to have this) in an attempt to stop him from spending it but then asks me to transfer him money anyway, I can't really say no as it's his money and we don't live together so no joint finances. Since the first lockdown I've managed to save just under £2k and he has about £30 in his savings. Then when I say anything to him about his savings he says "I don't believe in him" or that he will "put money away soon". We've discussed our future and he keeps saying "the mortgage will need to be in your name because I have bad credit" and that drives me nuts[/quote]
He’s turning you into his mother or his “support human.” You’ll be the adult nagging him and he’ll become a petulant sulky manchild. This is not a recipe for a happy long term relationship.

I always think couples need to be on the same page on three things - attitude to money, home tidiness, and attitude to family (e.g. round at mums every Sunday vs doing somthing yourselves)

Not every relationship has to be forever. You can split up for any reason. No-one will judge you.

You sound like an “old” 22 year old to me. This is your first relationship - this guy is not likely to be the bloke you settle down with.

You’re seeing who he is & worried about your future. That indicates to me you should be with someone who shares your values about money, someone more mature.

Also he is still young & people need to live their own lives & make their own mistakes.

I think you need to stop micromanaging him, let him do him, you do you. His finances are not your business or concern.

@Supersimkin2

OP, how much £ has he cost you so far?

In the beginning I think I spent at least £600 for us to do things. Also, when the ps5 came out he was asking me if I could have it on my paypal credit and he make the payments, I said no of course

You're 22. Just have fun. You don't have to plan your whole life .

@samandpoppysmummy

He should get tested for ADHD. It jumped out at me from the behaviour you described in your post. If he is diagnosed, medication could be life-changing for him and he's still young enough for it to make a significant difference to his prospects.

Well perhaps, but at 22 and with the world ar her feet why should she get involved in getting to the bottom of this man's problems, researching them, helping him etc. If she was my daughter, I'd be gently advising her to move on

@gutful

You sound like an “old” 22 year old to me. This is your first relationship - this guy is not likely to be the bloke you settle down with.

You’re seeing who he is & worried about your future. That indicates to me you should be with someone who shares your values about money, someone more mature.

Also he is still young & people need to live their own lives & make their own mistakes.

I think you need to stop micromanaging him, let him do him, you do you. His finances are not your business or concern.

I do not micromanage him. He talks about wanting a future with me, nice house, being able to drive and go on holiday but we can't do any of that if he doesn't start making better financial choices. I don't tell him what he can and can't buy because that's his money, but when he starts to make it my problem is when it becomes my business.

@strawberriesontheNeva

You're 22. Just have fun. You don't have to plan your whole life .

I'm not trying to plan my whole life but it would be nice to have some sense of direction, especially as this guy says he wants to get married and have a future with me, I just don't know

I can't even convince him to go to therapy so getting a diagnosis from a doctor is out of the question

You are so young & you are micromanaging his finances by being the one responsible for them.

The direction you’re likely going is breaking up eventually, you’re 22 - so much time to live & learn about love.

The fact you’re discussing marriage with someone hopeless with money shows how young & naive young actually are.

Money disagreements is one of the biggest cause of divorce.

Are you generally a planner ? Why do you need to know what direction you’re going? Just enjoy him for who he is, not who you wish he would be.

Not sure why anyone is wasting their time on this, the OP is already all over the Pregnancy boards discussing how to avoid side effects, and the pros/cons of having a baby at 22/23.

I stayed with my first partner for 10 years and he was exactly like yours.

We were so different in that he'd constantly quit after getting handed job after job where I worked so hard even in jobs I hated when we needed money.

It made me so frustrated.

After another 10 years he finally met a girl who controlled him enough that he kept a job for a year so far ....she controls the money so he can actually pay his expenses and not dwindle it away on games, pubs and takeaway.

He needed a mother.

I wasn't a mother to him.

Unless you want to be a mother to man child the rest of your life seriously consider leaving him

@gutful

You are so young & you are micromanaging his finances by being the one responsible for them.

The direction you’re likely going is breaking up eventually, you’re 22 - so much time to live & learn about love.

The fact you’re discussing marriage with someone hopeless with money shows how young & naive young actually are.

Money disagreements is one of the biggest cause of divorce.

Are you generally a planner ? Why do you need to know what direction you’re going? Just enjoy him for who he is, not who you wish he would be.

I think I'm going to tell him I don't want to be responsible tor his savings account since it's pointless. I think growing up in an asian household has a lot to do with why I need my future mapped out tbh, it is draining. I do enjoy him for who he is but when we discuss a future together it doesn't seem doable

@DesMartinsPetCat

Not sure why anyone is wasting their time on this, the OP is already all over the Pregnancy boards discussing how to avoid side effects, and the pros/cons of having a baby at 22/23.

Just to be clear, I'm just really curious. I do not plan on having a baby, my friends have kids and I ask them about side effects etc because I find it interesting to learn about and hear other peoples experiences. But you say don't "waste time" but you took the time to say that

@blinkybill47

I stayed with my first partner for 10 years and he was exactly like yours.

We were so different in that he'd constantly quit after getting handed job after job where I worked so hard even in jobs I hated when we needed money.

It made me so frustrated.

After another 10 years he finally met a girl who controlled him enough that he kept a job for a year so far ....she controls the money so he can actually pay his expenses and not dwindle it away on games, pubs and takeaway.

He needed a mother.

I wasn't a mother to him.

Unless you want to be a mother to man child the rest of your life seriously consider leaving him

I'm sorry you were in that situation, I hope you met someone else who was on your level :)

I think that user was taking the time to tell us not to bother taking the time to advise you based on your posting history.

Am also from a culture that can have similarities so do somewhat understand this pressure to focus on your future.

It is best not to try & fix people - I am a fixer too, it’s hard when you love someone. But ultimately people need to live & learn their own way.

Planning a baby at age 22 in this generation is utter madness IMO.

I wouldn’t even consider having a relationship with someone this flaky. He may be lovely in other respects, but the money side of life is so important, especially if he’s constantly getting it wrong.

He’s showing you who he is and how he functions. Don’t ignore this or think you can change him.

@gutful

I think that user was taking the time to tell us not to bother taking the time to advise you based on your posting history.

Am also from a culture that can have similarities so do somewhat understand this pressure to focus on your future.

It is best not to try & fix people - I am a fixer too, it’s hard when you love someone. But ultimately people need to live & learn their own way.

Planning a baby at age 22 in this generation is utter madness IMO.

Well as I said, I don't plan on having kids, my friends are the same age as me with kids and are also at uni, and I wanted to know if it is as easy/hard as they say it is. I've always been intereted in babies, I wanted to go into midwifery at one point. As for culture, my mom is a single mom on top of being asian so she pushes me even more to "be better" than her, it is a lot of pressure. I try to live for myself but it's hard sometimes

There are tons of blokes out there.

Don't settle for the first one that says they'll marry and have kids with you, especially when he's busily showing you his feckless, loser qualities.

Check out the competition, guys with actual drive and solid work ethics, guys who have finished uni and have started careers, guys who have travelled and done things in their early 20s. Why settle for the one who will probably knock you up alright, but expect you to mummy him throughout life?