My boyfriend quits everything he starts and it worries me

[MIAAN]

I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 24 and since we've been together his finances haven't been very good as he went in debt in his previous relationship. When we were first together I was always paying for everything since I was the one with consistent working hours (he has a zero hour contract). A couple months into our relationship he secured an apprenticeship (paying minimum wage, not apprentice wage) which was 30 hours a week and he was going to quit his other job, he took it but then told the manager he no longer wanted it because he said he needs time to take care of his mom (he is one of seven kids who are all adults). A couple months later he secured a second job working nights stocking shelves and it was 5 days a week. He would only get one shift at his other job as it's zero hours but they'd usually cancel so I thought that this new job was great. On his second shift, he quit. He said he didn't have the right frame of mind to work two jobs. We broke up for about 4 months due to some serious things happening but have been back together for a while now. His money was a lot better but only because of furlough. He keeps putting money in his savings and then spends it, it worries me because he says he wants a future with me but I feel that because of his spending habits and quitting things, that all of the responsibility would fall on me. He recently brought a ps5 and a whole pc system which comes to atleast £600+ for both and most of that came out of his savings and borrowing money from his mom. Also, he recently started a level 4 course at university, it's only been a few weeks in and he said he might quit. He doesn't have any GCSE's or Alevels so he has nothing to really put on his CV and this makes me worried, I am currently in uni and have my GCSE's and a level 2 and 3 qualification and I know what I want to do in life. He says he wants to do certain things but then changes his mind and I find it stressful. I love him a lot but the thought of being financially insecure frightens me. Part of me thinks I should break up with him but then the other part of me thinks I should wait and see it things improve.

Sorry it's so long haha x

I just want to reiterate — you dont need ANY reason to leave a relationship.

It is not a court of law. You can simply say, ‘this isn’t working for me, and for, that reason, I’m out‘. And the go claim that sweet freedom.

As an assertive/grumpy older woman and former people pleaser, the most life changing thing I did was to own my feelings.

‘You don’t believe in me‘. Nope. Sure don’t.

‘You’re so mean‘. Yep. Sure am.

No need to explain, no need to complain.

@BillMasheen

I just want to reiterate — you dont need ANY reason to leave a relationship.

It is not a court of law. You can simply say, ‘this isn’t working for me, and for, that reason, I’m out‘. And the go claim that sweet freedom.

As an assertive/grumpy older woman and former people pleaser, the most life changing thing I did was to own my feelings.

‘You don’t believe in me‘. Nope. Sure don’t.

‘You’re so mean‘. Yep. Sure am.

No need to explain, no need to complain.

100% agree.

See also:

"You don’t believe in me"
You've given me no reason to. Our relationship is over for many reasons that is one of them. Goodbye.

You’re so mean"
I'm putting myself first, as have you throughout our relationship. Which is over. Goodbye.

I wish I was this confident, honestly you sound so strong willed and I admire it

@MIAAN

I wish I was this confident, honestly you sound so strong willed and I admire it

I was in a relationship with someone genuinely lovely but lazy with no drive around your age. Eventually we broke up after a few years, not because he wasn't lovely but because I'm a grafter and had ambition and would have had to carry him for our whole lives. Neither of us would have been happy because that incompatibility would have created toxicity.

Your boyfriend is, on top of being lazy, also selfish and refuses to discuss how you're feeling. That means he is not a suitable boyfriend in itself. All of these things put together, a year in, with no financial ties / children / mortgage etc...

You'd be mad to continue this relationship. But I would guess that most of us telling you that have done so ourselves at some point, which is why we are telling you that so strongly!

People who take no shit in their relationships in their 30s are often people who have been in shitty relationships in their 20s. Because you live and learn. Sometimes from others mistakes but more often than not from our own.

You sound like a catch. An absolute catch. He's not a grown up yet and seems to be quite unkind. You're not compatible either in state of mind, life stage or values.

if he does [quit uni] then he will have zero education under his belt making employment even harder

Exactly. The covid situation has left many out of work and he will be in competition for any jobs going too. Plus he'll have a student loan to pay off with sod all to show for it! I’m assuming he didn’t pay cash for the course or get it for free(?)

@MIAAN

I wish I was this confident, honestly you sound so strong willed and I admire it

You can be.

You just need to believe in yourself and value yourself. Remember this: I am currently in uni and have my GCSE's and a level 2 and 3 qualification and I know what I want to do in life ?

You have a bright shiny future ahead of you. Don't saddle yourself with a partner who will drag you down and limit your opportunities. I feel like you're locked in on this guy because of low self-esteem or a lack of feeling loved in your life? But there is better out there for you.

I want to but I feel like I won't have a "valid enough reason" and have the blame shifted to me if you understand what I mean?
When I read that I thought “why do you care what people think about you ending a relationship?”, thinking that you need to put yourself first rather than be a “people pleaser”, then read:
...I've grown up being a people pleaser and I'm trying to stop, I'm having therapy…

Great that you’re getting help. As previous posters have said, you do not need a "valid enough reason" to end a relationship. He doesn’t need to hit you or rape you to be an unsuitable match, it just has to not work for you, and the mismatch in financial attitudes and work ethics are 2 big reasons to end it. And if you do end it with him he will try and make it your fault for not giving him time/not being understanding/whatever, and will promise all sorts, but most people will try and talk their partner out of ending it, and talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. You’ll feel like a shit person for ending it but that’s par for the course with relationships and doesn’t make you bad.

People who take no shit in their relationships in their 30s are often people who have been in shitty relationships in their 20s. Because you live and learn. Sometimes from others mistakes but more often than not from our own.

I agree with this. I used to be a people pleaser, at work and in my personal life. Many bad experiences brought me to a position where I am now prepared to stand up for myself, and I don't care if that means some people think I am a big meanie.

No one will give you a medal for putting yourself last, prioritising everyone else's ego, and being 'nice'. In fact they're more likely to take it as a green light to walk all over you.

Be polite but firm, and stand up for what YOU want and what YOU need in life. If someone isn't prepared to respect your needs, walk away. Because life is too short to be unhappy.

@CandidaAlbicans2

if he does [quit uni] then he will have zero education under his belt making employment even harder

Exactly. The covid situation has left many out of work and he will be in competition for any jobs going too. Plus he'll have a student loan to pay off with sod all to show for it! I’m assuming he didn’t pay cash for the course or get it for free(?)

Yes he has a student loan

@youvegottenminuteslynn thank you so much, thst really means a lot and you are absolutely right!!

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

People who take no shit in their relationships in their 30s are often people who have been in shitty relationships in their 20s. Because you live and learn. Sometimes from others mistakes but more often than not from our own.

I agree with this. I used to be a people pleaser, at work and in my personal life. Many bad experiences brought me to a position where I am now prepared to stand up for myself, and I don't care if that means some people think I am a big meanie.

No one will give you a medal for putting yourself last, prioritising everyone else's ego, and being 'nice'. In fact they're more likely to take it as a green light to walk all over you.

Be polite but firm, and stand up for what YOU want and what YOU need in life. If someone isn't prepared to respect your needs, walk away. Because life is too short to be unhappy.

That last sentence hit me

Does he also want a baby?

@BillMasheen

I just want to reiterate — you dont need ANY reason to leave a relationship.

It is not a court of law. You can simply say, ‘this isn’t working for me, and for, that reason, I’m out‘. And the go claim that sweet freedom.

As an assertive/grumpy older woman and former people pleaser, the most life changing thing I did was to own my feelings.

‘You don’t believe in me‘. Nope. Sure don’t.

‘You’re so mean‘. Yep. Sure am.

No need to explain, no need to complain.

Oh I like this

@Thebusiness

Does he also want a baby?

Yep, for some reason having a baby before 30 is a big thing for him but for me I want to get through uni, get experience in my career for a few years and travel. Because without a child I can be selfish, and I can make decisions without having to think of anyone else

Yep, for some reason having a baby before 30 is a big thing for him but for me I want to get through uni, get experience in my career for a few years and travel. Because without a child I can be selfish, and I can make decisions without having to think of anyone else

They are some of the reasons selfish, lazy men like the idea of their partner having a baby! So you can't be selfish anymore and have to think about everyone else aka tied to him and feel an obligation to stay with him...

If he genuinely wanted that for the right reasons he would be getting off his arse, getting out of debt and not buying playstations instead of doing so. Not saying you'll need to be the one who gets cleared for a mortgage because his credit rating is shit.

Do you feel any closer to making a decision about the relationship having read through peoples comments?

The wanting a baby will be to trap you. You will be stuck with him and his attitude. Honestly, what do you find attractive about him and does his attitude appeal to you as a future husband and father of your children?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Yep, for some reason having a baby before 30 is a big thing for him but for me I want to get through uni, get experience in my career for a few years and travel. Because without a child I can be selfish, and I can make decisions without having to think of anyone else

They are some of the reasons selfish, lazy men like the idea of their partner having a baby! So you can't be selfish anymore and have to think about everyone else aka tied to him and feel an obligation to stay with him...

If he genuinely wanted that for the right reasons he would be getting off his arse, getting out of debt and not buying playstations instead of doing so. Not saying you'll need to be the one who gets cleared for a mortgage because his credit rating is shit.

Do you feel any closer to making a decision about the relationship having read through peoples comments?

It does make me want to push to leave but at the same time I feel so guilty. He has been great at emotionally supporting me and we have a lot of things in common, it's just when it comes down to finance and life goals that is where things are a bit different

If he was serious about wanting to be proper partner and father, he'd be focused on paying off his debt and improving his credit rating so he could be an equal contributor to a joint future. It's so very telling that rather than do the hard work, he's handwaving it and saying you'll have to be the one getting the mortgage.

An £8K debt is something he could clear and rebuild his credit rating with a bit of determination and care in fairly short order - but no, he intends for you to take the strain.

@Beforethetakingoftoastandtea

The wanting a baby will be to trap you. You will be stuck with him and his attitude. Honestly, what do you find attractive about him and does his attitude appeal to you as a future husband and father of your children?

I know he really wants kids and that's fine, but the lack of being able to save money and not touch it isn't a good sign

@category12

If he was serious about wanting to be proper partner and father, he'd be focused on paying off his debt and improving his credit rating so he could be an equal contributor to a joint future. It's so very telling that rather than do the hard work, he's handwaving it and saying you'll have to be the one getting the mortgage.

An £8K debt is something he could clear and rebuild his credit rating with a bit of determination and care in fairly short order - but no, he intends for you to take the strain.

Exactly. The money he spent on his ps5 and his pc were just over £900 (he took the majority from his savings) and that could have gone on his debts

He has been great at emotionally supporting me and we have a lot of things in common, it's just when it comes down to finance and life goals that is where things are a bit different

Emotionally supporting you while getting into more debt, not working hard and choosing to play video games all night isn't real life.

Emotional support should be something that you take as a given in relationships, not a plus point. It's a bit like when people list great things about a partner and say "he'd never cheat on me" as if it's something to be grateful for.

You're emotionally supportive of him too, as well as working hard, saving and building a future.

I know you think you love him but unfortunately love isn't enough. Finance and life goals are THE most important things compatibility wise long term, along with intimacy. He would really drag you down.

You've got ages to meet someone great and not get jaded or damaged by being in a shitty relationship. Being single in your 20s is so much better than being in a relationship that isn't super happy, especially only a year in!

OP you sound lovely and like you've (mostly) got your head screwed on, which is more than many of us at that age

You know the game snakes and ladders? I'm sure he's a great guy in many ways, but for you he's a snake - he'll drag you down. What all these women, with their years of hard-earned wisdom are doing is urging you towards a great big ladder - the chance to shoot ahead in life, bypassing years of emotional hurt with the wrong guy. Allowing you to focus on your own goals, build your own life with your own financial security at the heart of it. And when the time is right you'll meet someone who shares those goals and you'll have the opportunity to build something together.

This isn't the right guy for you. The ladder is within touching distance. Trust yourself and put yourself first.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He has been great at emotionally supporting me and we have a lot of things in common, it's just when it comes down to finance and life goals that is where things are a bit different

Emotionally supporting you while getting into more debt, not working hard and choosing to play video games all night isn't real life.

Emotional support should be something that you take as a given in relationships, not a plus point. It's a bit like when people list great things about a partner and say "he'd never cheat on me" as if it's something to be grateful for.

You're emotionally supportive of him too, as well as working hard, saving and building a future.

I know you think you love him but unfortunately love isn't enough. Finance and life goals are THE most important things compatibility wise long term, along with intimacy. He would really drag you down.

You've got ages to meet someone great and not get jaded or damaged by being in a shitty relationship. Being single in your 20s is so much better than being in a relationship that isn't super happy, especially only a year in!

You are right, I think the bar is on the floor (for me)

@Squooka

OP you sound lovely and like you've (mostly) got your head screwed on, which is more than many of us at that age

You know the game snakes and ladders? I'm sure he's a great guy in many ways, but for you he's a snake - he'll drag you down. What all these women, with their years of hard-earned wisdom are doing is urging you towards a great big ladder - the chance to shoot ahead in life, bypassing years of emotional hurt with the wrong guy. Allowing you to focus on your own goals, build your own life with your own financial security at the heart of it. And when the time is right you'll meet someone who shares those goals and you'll have the opportunity to build something together.

This isn't the right guy for you. The ladder is within touching distance. Trust yourself and put yourself first.

I hate feeling easily guilted because if I didnt I would walk away right now

Do not have children with this man, while you are there to support him and pay for things , he will do nothing and have no motivation to get his shit together. Now instead of bettering his prospects he will play ps5! Kick him out...he will drag down your future and it is not materialistic to want a secure and stable future for yourself. You should feel no guilt about that!