My boyfriend quits everything he starts and it worries me

[MIAAN]

I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 24 and since we've been together his finances haven't been very good as he went in debt in his previous relationship. When we were first together I was always paying for everything since I was the one with consistent working hours (he has a zero hour contract). A couple months into our relationship he secured an apprenticeship (paying minimum wage, not apprentice wage) which was 30 hours a week and he was going to quit his other job, he took it but then told the manager he no longer wanted it because he said he needs time to take care of his mom (he is one of seven kids who are all adults). A couple months later he secured a second job working nights stocking shelves and it was 5 days a week. He would only get one shift at his other job as it's zero hours but they'd usually cancel so I thought that this new job was great. On his second shift, he quit. He said he didn't have the right frame of mind to work two jobs. We broke up for about 4 months due to some serious things happening but have been back together for a while now. His money was a lot better but only because of furlough. He keeps putting money in his savings and then spends it, it worries me because he says he wants a future with me but I feel that because of his spending habits and quitting things, that all of the responsibility would fall on me. He recently brought a ps5 and a whole pc system which comes to atleast £600+ for both and most of that came out of his savings and borrowing money from his mom. Also, he recently started a level 4 course at university, it's only been a few weeks in and he said he might quit. He doesn't have any GCSE's or Alevels so he has nothing to really put on his CV and this makes me worried, I am currently in uni and have my GCSE's and a level 2 and 3 qualification and I know what I want to do in life. He says he wants to do certain things but then changes his mind and I find it stressful. I love him a lot but the thought of being financially insecure frightens me. Part of me thinks I should break up with him but then the other part of me thinks I should wait and see it things improve.

Sorry it's so long haha x

Nice guy... no earning potential.. no future 🌺

It's not just money, it's mental attitude, work ethic and life-goals. It's really important stuff.

Sounds like ADHD

@Amotherlife

Sounds like ADHD

sounds like he refuses to commit

Go find someone responsible. My first boyfriend was “too shy” to get a job. He was a loyal staff
Member once he had a job but was always woefully underemployed and only got jobs through me. If We went on holiday I had to pay for him too. If we went out i paid for everything. My self esteem was so low that I didn’t think I could do better. My current partner is shit with money. It took him ten years to train and get a proper job and in that time I was again paying for everything and I should’ve learned my lesson. Thankfully roles have reversed now thanks to covid I can’t earn and he’s a medic so guaranteed work right now. Don’t live your life paying for everything. It’s miserable.

He won't change OP.

@category12 I think if he quits uni then this might be the final straw

I know of several men like this, problem is they are in their 40’s.... they don’t change

I expect you will outgrow him as you move through life.

Financial security is a deal breaker for me. I grew up eating by candlelight and there's no way I'm going through that again. In a world that revolves around money, I think it's really important you are on the same page about finances.

He quits every job prospect he gets and has spent no money on you, but you seem persuaded that he got into debt in his last relationship. How? How is that likely given the boyfriend you describe?

He's a liability. Why would he save when he can borrow money from you or his family? A decent person would do anything to not do that. It's a matter of pride, independence,

It doesn't matter how nice he is in other ways. He's treating you like an extension of his bank account and gaming fund. If you ever moved in together I can see you having massive rows over this - a lot of people do.

Some people cannot inhibit their behaviour. I used to work with colleagues who were always complaining they were skint. Some of them even lived with their parents either rent free or were paying under half what I was paying for rent! Yet every month they managed to spend every single penny or only have a tenner left in their bank accounts. Where did it go? No idea according to them, since none of them had ever budgeted, never sat down and looked at their outgoings. We were all on close to minimum wage and they wanted to continue spending on designer trainers, an all inclusive holiday every year worth over £1000, spa days, drinking ect. They didn't save and simply did not want to live within their means. Easy come, easy go. Your boyfriend sounds the same.

One of my exes was like this. When I met him he was living on a friend's sofa but he'd just started a new job and had few overheads so was able to hold his own financially when we were dating. But he was thirty with no savings and nowhere to live of his own.

Once we got married his "free spirit" kicked in and he handed in his notice. I stayed in a dead end job for 8 years whilst his free spirit led him through short periods of employment in between longer stretches of the dole. Initially I had hope every time he got a job that this would be the one that caught his interest. It never happened.

When the penny finally dropped that he would always be like this it was painful. I wish I hadn't wasted those eight years.

Don't get me wrong he could be lovely and made me laugh but I now realise that wasn't enough reason for me to become his financial fall back if he didn't fancy working for six months or more.

Thankfully we didn't have children.

You don't only care about money.
You care about core values. Supporting himself and building a future for himself.
I met my dh young. We both went to evening classes and worked full time to pay our bills.
You need someone with the same view as you.

I doubt this situation will improve, and if you decide to continue with him, you’ll have to accept that you’ll be the wage earner , working hard yourself and supporting him while he doesn’t work. Who’d choose that life?

@Didkdt in his previous relationship he took out a lot of loans and things on credit and has over £8000 to pay back

@Sloth66 I had a talk with him about an hour ago about my concerns and told him that if he can't afford something he shouldn't take it from his savings or borrow and he said he will work on it, so it's all a matter of actions rather than words

He's not really a good bet, now, is he?

£8K of debt he blames on an ex, and he's still flitting from job to job and has no work ethic.

He'll drag you down.

Jesus wept. He's a loser who will waste your time, he already wastes your money and drag you down.

Run run run run run run. As far away as you can. This will 100% end in disaster enough of us here are old enough & have several t-shirts to testify to it.

However, I also know what it's like being your age and nothing an internet stranger says will change your mind. You'll stay with this man (boy, really) and 1/2/4/7/10 years down the line you'll be heartbroken and at the end of your tether.

If you actually want advice, leave & never look back. Otherwise, god bless you & all who sail in you as you're in for a rough time.

You'll get fed up of him because of this so your relationship wont last. He's a lazy spendthrift and no matter how much you love him, one day your respect for him will fizzle out. The best thing for you would be, if that happens before you have children. A broke mum with the cause of that (a lazy workshy man) by her side to look after too must go through hell on earth.

I have severe ADHD, and I'd seriously suggest exploring if this is a possibility before you give up on him. If he refuses to look into this or look at medication then I'd seriously consider ending the relationship because I know how infuriating people like me are to live with.

@user686233

I have severe ADHD, and I'd seriously suggest exploring if this is a possibility before you give up on him. If he refuses to look into this or look at medication then I'd seriously consider ending the relationship because I know how infuriating people like me are to live with.

So in other words, she takes on his problems and is the driver of sorting them out. Nope, just nope. My son has ADHD, we had to go private to get him diagnosed and properly medicated, it's nigh on impossible on the NHS.

He needs to Look into careers advice and get some advice. Lots of online strengths tests which can help

Or of course the OP's DP could be just a feckless layabout with a complete lack of anything remotely resembling a work ethic. He won't change.

@rawalpindithelabrador

That is really unfair. That is not at all what I said. I said if HE refuses to look into this then she should leave him.