My boyfriend quits everything he starts and it worries me

[MIAAN]

I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 24 and since we've been together his finances haven't been very good as he went in debt in his previous relationship. When we were first together I was always paying for everything since I was the one with consistent working hours (he has a zero hour contract). A couple months into our relationship he secured an apprenticeship (paying minimum wage, not apprentice wage) which was 30 hours a week and he was going to quit his other job, he took it but then told the manager he no longer wanted it because he said he needs time to take care of his mom (he is one of seven kids who are all adults). A couple months later he secured a second job working nights stocking shelves and it was 5 days a week. He would only get one shift at his other job as it's zero hours but they'd usually cancel so I thought that this new job was great. On his second shift, he quit. He said he didn't have the right frame of mind to work two jobs. We broke up for about 4 months due to some serious things happening but have been back together for a while now. His money was a lot better but only because of furlough. He keeps putting money in his savings and then spends it, it worries me because he says he wants a future with me but I feel that because of his spending habits and quitting things, that all of the responsibility would fall on me. He recently brought a ps5 and a whole pc system which comes to atleast £600+ for both and most of that came out of his savings and borrowing money from his mom. Also, he recently started a level 4 course at university, it's only been a few weeks in and he said he might quit. He doesn't have any GCSE's or Alevels so he has nothing to really put on his CV and this makes me worried, I am currently in uni and have my GCSE's and a level 2 and 3 qualification and I know what I want to do in life. He says he wants to do certain things but then changes his mind and I find it stressful. I love him a lot but the thought of being financially insecure frightens me. Part of me thinks I should break up with him but then the other part of me thinks I should wait and see it things improve.

Sorry it's so long haha x

@CakeRequired

Look let's just be blunt with you because you're not listening.

You're clearly going to stay with this man and ignore all of the advice given. He will NEVER work in a steady job. He WILL always spend his money on whatever he wants. It WON'T be on a house, on paying back his bills etc. He is and will always be, a quitter.

So this is your future ahead of you. You will support this man for the rest of your life. You will maybe get married, at your expense. You will buy a house, at your expense, if you can afford it on your own. You will have children at your expense. You will likely be the main carer for the children and main income for the family. All other jobs like cleaning, cooking, bills, presents etc will also fall on you. He won't be working, he'll barely do anything and you'll be depressed, miserable and feel alone, but desperately hoping he will change.

If you don't want that, leave him now. You've been warned. You're at the early stages, you can get out. Don't do what other people do and spend years with these lazy assholes.

I know you are completely right

@Hoppinggreen

Oh he’s “sensitive” is he? Do you want the same life your mum had?

100% do not

You also don't need a "valid reason" to walk out of this relationship.

You can break up with a man for any reason you choose, or even no reason at all. It's entirely your choice, and as long as you treat him fairly and respectfully in the process, no one has any right to have a go at you for it.

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

He's sensitive

Run like the wind.

This is nothing more than manipulation, a tool he uses to make it impossible for you to challenge his behaviour.

Whenever I challenge something for example when I ask if he's going to do a certain thing that he said he would he says "don't you believe in me" and I feel guilty

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

You also don't need a "valid reason" to walk out of this relationship.

You can break up with a man for any reason you choose, or even no reason at all. It's entirely your choice, and as long as you treat him fairly and respectfully in the process, no one has any right to have a go at you for it.

This is very reassuring thank you so much

She's only 22.

Take your time OP. You do not need to find the one right this second. Just keep your wits about you.

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

You also don't need a "valid reason" to walk out of this relationship.

You can break up with a man for any reason you choose, or even no reason at all. It's entirely your choice, and as long as you treat him fairly and respectfully in the process, no one has any right to have a go at you for it.

This x 1000. You could break up with him because he wears his trousers too short if you so choose. Why oh why do people feel they need to have any reason other than 'I don't want to go out with you anymore', that is all the reason you need in your scenario and with so few ties. But I would be saying a version of this regardless of the circumstances. You owe other people kindness, respect, honesty etc but nobody owes anybody a romantic/sexual relationship

Like so many other posters I’ve been where you are, in my early 20s and in a relationship with an emotionally manipulative man child.

I can’t change my history and not waste my time with that guy but you can. You are 22, you are obviously an ambitious, empathetic, intelligent woman. Use those qualities to make the life you want for yourself.
Dont get bogged down in the need to do the “right” things in the expected order! I know it is hard if your cultural expectations are saying find the one, settle down, man your life. But you can deviate from that. And quite probably be happier for it!

You do not need a "valid" reason to leave @MIAAN you do not need to bend to his "you don't believe in me" guilt trips. You are not responsible for his emotions and issues. Repeat. "I am not responsible for his issues". You are 22 and have a million things you could be doing rather than sticking it out in a relationship with a man child who has a thousand excuses for everything rather than get himself in gear and get on with it.

He quit a night shift job because he "couldn't cope with working 2 jobs" even though the first job was a 0 hour contract where sometimes he wouldn't even get a shift a week, why didn't he stay in the guaranteed hours? That tells you what you need to know.
He's lazy and flaky barely a year into a relationship you should not be putting up with it and having so many issues.
You are incompatible, he will drag you down, move on.

@MsAnnFrope

Like so many other posters I’ve been where you are, in my early 20s and in a relationship with an emotionally manipulative man child.

I can’t change my history and not waste my time with that guy but you can. You are 22, you are obviously an ambitious, empathetic, intelligent woman. Use those qualities to make the life you want for yourself.
Dont get bogged down in the need to do the “right” things in the expected order! I know it is hard if your cultural expectations are saying find the one, settle down, man your life. But you can deviate from that. And quite probably be happier for it!

You are so right! Due to childhood trauma I've grown up being a people pleaser and I'm trying to stop, I'm having therapy so I'm hoping to build my self esteem and I want to be able to live my life to make myself happy, not do what others want me to do

@letsjog

You do not need a "valid" reason to leave *@MIAAN* you do not need to bend to his "you don't believe in me" guilt trips. You are not responsible for his emotions and issues. Repeat. "I am not responsible for his issues". You are 22 and have a million things you could be doing rather than sticking it out in a relationship with a man child who has a thousand excuses for everything rather than get himself in gear and get on with it.

He quit a night shift job because he "couldn't cope with working 2 jobs" even though the first job was a 0 hour contract where sometimes he wouldn't even get a shift a week, why didn't he stay in the guaranteed hours? That tells you what you need to know.
He's lazy and flaky barely a year into a relationship you should not be putting up with it and having so many issues.
You are incompatible, he will drag you down, move on.

I really appreciate the advice thanks so much and yes the night shift thing still irks me for some reason (was over a year ago), he would maybe only get a single 4 hour shift at his other job, whereas the night job was 35 hours a week monday to friday, he stays up all night playing games so it would have been perfect for him since he would have had the energy for it, he quit on the second shift saying it was "too much"

Look into assertiveness training and stop putting what he thinks ahead of how you feel, because he's manipulating you.

@Thelnebriati

Look into assertiveness training and stop putting what he thinks ahead of how you feel, because he's manipulating you.

Thanks for the tip, I've never heard of that, I've just started reading up on it as soon as I saw your reply

Put it another way. He deserves someone who loves and accepts him for who he is, who can cope with his flaws. That's not you.
This thing about not "wanting the blame for a breakup" - just ignore that. Just because you start going out with someone doesn't mean you have to carry on doing that unless they steal all your money and shag your mum, for goodness sakes!
The whole point of romantic relationships is that they should provide a net IMPROVEMENT to your life and help you identify a suitable long-term partner for mutual support, happiness, fun times and maybe kids. This lad hits some of the targets (you say he's good hearted and good company), but shoots very wide on others - he's unreliable with money, won't discuss problems with you

And TBH you putting up with this is holding him back from growing up.

Do yourselves both a favour and politely say that you're not a good match.

You could be one of my nieces...

Finding a good long-term partner is really important. Warren Buffet and Facebook's Sheryl Sandberg agree on this and so do I. www.google.com/amp/s/www.cnbc.com/amp/2017/02/07/warren-buffett-and-sheryl-sandberg-agree-on-most-important-decision.html
Because the right partner will support you in becoming who you're meant to be, will support you in your career and other endeavours, will give you the stable foundation you need to stretch yourself and do the hard but worthwhile stuff. You will be a good team.

This guy, now?... Bless him but no.

There used to be classes where you could practice doing it, but obviously the pandemic has put a stop to that.

psychcentral.com/blog/building-assertiveness-in-4-steps#1

www.psychologytools.com/professional/problems/assertiveness/

@RootyT00t

She's only 22.

Take your time OP. You do not need to find the one right this second. Just keep your wits about you.

I get what you mean, I think, but op does need to leave this guy. She can't just have some fun with him. What if she ends up pregnant? She's then stuck with a useless lazy twat for the rest of her life.

@RootyT00t

She's only 22.

Take your time OP. You do not need to find the one right this second. Just keep your wits about you.

I know what you mean but she could be having fun with someone else or fun being single. This relationship is making her unhappy, anxious and stressed. He's dragging her down mood wise and will continue to drag her down financially the longer she stays with him.

OP, you sound responsible and kind. He isn't responsible and is being unkind to you using guilt tripping etc.

Your 20s should be a time you meet people and only stay with them if they make you laugh, make your life better, are someone who celebrates and amplify who you are - not someone who asks you to help him stop spending so much money on stuff then gets annoyed if you tell him that... he's spending too much money on stuff.

At 22 a year in you should be lined up and laughing. You can have that with someone else, with a few other people even, before you settle down with one who you're loved up and laughing with and want to share a long term future with.

He's not making your life better. So it's time to move on.

*LOVED up and laughing that should say, not lined up and laughing!

You've set the bar pretty low for your first relationship op.

If you were my friend, I’d tell you to leave him

[quote MIAAN]@sammylady37 in the last 3 months he's got a playstation and a pc just costing under a grand, that could have been money put in his savings or towards debts. He gave me his account details and bank card (I find it a bit stressful to have this) in an attempt to stop him from spending it but then asks me to transfer him money anyway, I can't really say no as it's his money and we don't live together so no joint finances. Since the first lockdown I've managed to save just under £2k and he has about £30 in his savings. Then when I say anything to him about his savings he says "I don't believe in him" or that he will "put money away soon". We've discussed our future and he keeps saying "the mortgage will need to be in your name because I have bad credit" and that drives me nuts[/quote]
This post is actually a little frightening. Can you not see what he’s doing?

He will never be out of debt
He is making you responsible for his spending and his day to day finances. Why? And why would you take that on?
He is manipulating you
He is telling you that you will be saddled with debt to service his needs/wants and that he won’t be contributing to them

You’re 22.

Why are you saddling yourself with this guy who is irresponsible, feckless, manipulative, has never stood on his own two feet and never will, is selfish and feels the world, and more specifically you, owes him a living??

He will hold you back.

Get out while you can. I was in a similar situation and ended up financially supporting my now ex for 8 years. He always had an excuse as to why he couldn't get a job, meanwhile I paid for everything and did all the housework whilst he played OC games all day. Looking back I don't know why I didn't run a mile, but I was young, and he was my first serious relationship. Best thing he ever did was dump me. 6 months later I met my DH, and we both work hard, own our house, and have a baby.

Obvs I mean PC games.

If you are looking for permission, everyone on this post is giving you permission to end it with him.