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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To tell a lie in an attempt to keep some peace in my life, or tell the truth and face the music?

294 replies

SiaSunday12 · 03/02/2021 22:53

So,

My husband has been having a 4 year affair. We have been together for 11 years but in those last 4 years, we have gotten married, and had 2 DC, (2 under 2 with youngest 9 weeks).

I have spent some time getting all my “ducks in a row” as the saying goes. So now, do I;

A. Tell family the truth of what he has done (we are really close to my family, I know they’ll be completely devastated, and angry!), and accept that Christmas, Birthdays, Celebrations etc for our daughters will be I suppose, shared? Which completely breaks my heart as I feel I’ll be losing out/being punished for these occasions without my kids because of his actions..

B. Tell everyone it was a mutual decision to separate, in order to keep some peace so he can still visit/attend celebrations/Xmas morning etc? Although I will feel I’m letting everyone down, as I’ve literally just had a baby 9 weeks ago and now I’m considering telling my family that this was a joint decision?!

Please tell me if I’m crazy to be asking this, I just never in a million years thought this would happen and I’m so done with it all and tired and emotional and just want someone to pour my heart out to. I just can’t stand the thought of it all.

Please give me all your advice x

OP posts:
DavidsSchitt · 04/02/2021 12:50

My friend went through the same, she had 2 small kids. Turned out there was more than one woman.

She's moved across the world for his work, covered up for him by telling her family it "wasn't working out" and some of the things they said to her won't be forgotten.

They weren't supportive as they felt she wasn't trying hard enough for her kids and that she was "selfish". Now she has a stilted relationship with her mum on top of having a "broken home" for her kids.

Tell them the absolute whole truth. He's an utter creep

CoronaIsWatching · 04/02/2021 12:55

You've played it right so far, but now is the time to sensationally reveal the truth, the fallout for him will be deserved and there's no secrets, everything out in the open which will help you move on x

crumpledlinens · 04/02/2021 12:57

option A. you don't need to lay it on thick, but you do need to explain the truth so that they can support you properly. something very similar just happened to my friend and it SUCKS. you have my sympathy. but at least her family were there for her, and really rallied around. partly they did this because they understood exactly what had happened and felt awful for her. if you try to cover it up, it will just shock and upset people, they won't understand and may be off with you.
unfortunately infidelity happens, so i think they may be able to forgive your husband after some time. or –forgive is a big word –they will be able to put their feelings aside, for your children's benefit.

it's very big of you to even consider this, but i think in this situation honesty is the best policy. you don't need to tell them everything, just the main takeaway point(s)

longtompot · 04/02/2021 13:01

I think you need to tell him you can't get back to the way things used to be as he has changed that forever. Especially the four years you thought things were good enough to get married and have two children with him.

Givemethechocolate · 04/02/2021 13:04

I think option B will eat at you over the years when people praise him not knowing the truth. So I would go with A

Megan2018 · 04/02/2021 13:07

You can do A and still have birthdays/Christmas etc together down the line. My parents did. Once the dust settled obviously, it doesn't have to be all or nothing.
But definitely tell the truth to your family.

Wheresthebeach · 04/02/2021 13:08

Tell the truth. A 4 year affair is massive - it's not a fling and hiding it under a carpet will be impossible. People will ask about a mutual breakup esp with such a young baby. Tell the truth and people won't question you further or ask irritating questions about 'working it out'.

If you want people to be civil to him - tell them. You can handle this anyway you want.
I'm sorry you're going through this.

TherapistInATabard · 04/02/2021 13:08

He "wants to get back to how we were"

Does he mean how you were 4+ years ago before he decided to fuck someone else, or 4 weeks ago before you knew he’d been fucking someone else.

The ‘we’ of 4 years ago doesn’t exist any more. You now have two children, and he has betrayed you in the most awful way. There’s no way back from that, in my opinion. He’s living in cloud cuckoo land, thinking he can have his cake and eat it. So he’s dumped her? Big woop. He has no respect for you at all, and you deserve so much better. Remember that actions speak louder than words.

You absolutely need to tell your family and close friends the truth. Not least because you need to come to terms with your future being very different to what you thought it would be and you will need support - practical and emotional. He doesn’t deserve to be let off the hook or to apportion any blame to you.

Saracen · 04/02/2021 13:11

((Hugs)) what a tough time you are having!!

Since you aren't sure what you want to do, I think you should tell your family that you are separating, that you have good reasons for doing this and that you don't feel able to discuss those reasons just yet. Don't make any hasty decisions while your head is in a spin. You'll figure it out in time.

Feedingthebirds1 · 04/02/2021 13:36

A all the way.

I get what you're afraid of for birthdays and Christmas. But you have two DCs. That's 2 birthdays + 1 Christmas = 3 days. Out of 365. It's not worth the hassle of trying to explain the situation when it's not true, of the compounding lies, of knowing that you've let him off the hook during the other 362. Christmas and birthdays really are 'just another day'.

And your parents deserve the respect of being told the truth. You'd be lying to them, as well as yourself, if you don't.

What happens if you want to divorce? Are you going to tell the court that it was mutual? And make up lies to support that?

Please be honest. It's like ripping a plaster off quickly - it hurts less in the long run.

Fuckityfucksake · 04/02/2021 13:38

I'd do A
I wouldn't cause myself any further stress by lying to the people who are going to support you.
People should know and I wouldn't be keeping his dirty little secret for him. This is a 4 year affair, he is a calculated scheming, lying arsehole. I don't know how he dares even think that you can get over it and be normal.
Also please don't blame yourself. You were and are good enough. What he chose to do is not on you, it's him, all him!
You are worth 10 million of him.

1frenchfoodie · 04/02/2021 13:38

A with bells on. You can still ask family to respect any decision to invite him to the children’s birthdays - after all the reason would be for the children’s hapiness , not their comfort.

LH1987 · 04/02/2021 13:42

Definitely A, you will eventually spill it anyway and keeping up a pretence will be too difficult emotionally for you.

I’m sorry this happened, what a loser excuse for a ‘Man’.

BlueJag · 04/02/2021 13:42

Can or would you stay together? What's his attitude? Is he apologetic? What does he want to do?
If you split without telling anybody is because he has agreed that you aren't to share Christmas and birthdays at all. He can have Christmas Eve or Boxing Day instead. You get to choose about New Year's Eve. There has to be a trade off.
4 years that's just awful. I don't think I could think about how this may affect him. I'm sad and shocked for you.
Personally I would tell my mother if you have a close relationship. You need support.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 04/02/2021 13:44

A
You deserve people to know the truth, and the people who support you need to know so you get the support must desperately need
But I hope they are the sort of family that will prioritise your needs and feelings and not make it all about their own anger

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 04/02/2021 13:45

I'm so sorry, OP. This man isn't one that you knew at all. He had an affair for FOUR YEARS. That is before your children were conceived and all the way through. He essentially entered into a relationship with another woman - and kept it from you.

Tell the truth. However nice you think he is, you have no idea of what he is going to be once the family derision, reality of having to live (and function practically) on his own, comes to pass.

If it were me, knowing what I know now, I'd file for divorce very quickly and not commit to 'amicable' until the decree nisi. Once you have that, you can be magnanimous if you want to... all your choice, not his. Your family will follow your lead so don't be fearful of their anger now, it won't be directed at you.

Tell the truth. All of it.

Cheator · 04/02/2021 13:46

I think tell everyone the truth. Your idea of hiding it so you can share birthdays is unrealistic.

If he ends up with the OW you can guarantee he won't be left alone with you and certainly won't be allowed to play happy families on special occasions. She knows full well that he is not to be trusted.

So sorry you are going through all of this! How on earth did he convince someone to have an affair whilst getting married and having two children!

Notsosnug · 04/02/2021 13:46

My husband left me and we still do all the occasion activity together. Family just has to accept it. We all get on now. It’s doable. You can’t lie that’s just odd. Good luck

Carriemac · 04/02/2021 13:47

You may find your family may already know or suspect

ivykaty44 · 04/02/2021 13:52

if you don't want to tell people why you are seperating thats fine

but don't lie to people, thats eats away and has a nasty habit of biting you on the bum later

ElfAndSafetyInspector · 04/02/2021 13:53

Definitely A.

B wouldn't even keep the peace - nobody will believe that there was a 'mutual decision' when your youngest is 9 weeks, and will jump to the worst possible conclusions (DV, hidden substance misuse, etc).

BosleyCharliesAngel · 04/02/2021 13:56

Option A. Definitely. No way would I shoulder the blame or any of the responsibility for the family being broken up. That, OP is down to your former 'D'H.
I want to express my condolences on the passing of your relative. Can I also suggest that when the time is right, you allow yourself mourn for the life you thought you would have with this man as that is a form of grief too.
Then, power on through and get yourself a shit hot lawyer and take him for every penny you can!
He was screwing around while you were pregnant....twice!

Please go with the suggested method of explaining that was put forward by @thenewduchessofhastings. It explains everything without having to go in to any of the details.

LionLily · 04/02/2021 13:58

I think in the longer term it will be the other way round than as your thread title - telling the truth to trusted family members will give you peace.
Otherwise you face a lifetime of biting your lip. Of course, with dc so young you don't want it discussed in front of them, you'll want to do the honourable thing and preserve their image of Dad so far as possible, but you need some people in your corner I. The months and years ahead. That doesn't mean all and sundry, choose carefully.

wishes1111 · 04/02/2021 13:59

I'm so sorry for you, OP.

Tell the truth otherwise questions will be asked if you appear the "normal" loving family.

Sending hugs x

FVFrog · 04/02/2021 14:03

Be honest. It will likely come out anyway and you need their support. Flowers amazing strong lady and good luck